Ready to quit

[Spektor]

I've been taking 20mg Adderall & 40mg Vyvanse for about a year.

I've probably taken 160mg Vyvanse and 10mg adderall throughout the day just today. I have no more Adderall left from my prescription. I weigh about 105. (I haven't always taken that high a dose in a day, I find the more depressed I become the more I take.)

I think I'm finally ready to stop taking these meds. Often at night I think-I have to stop this it's producing the exact opposite of what I need and want out of my life. I feel regret and remorse for the time I've wasted on it.Then, I wake up in the morning and there's life coming at me full force and I take the pills again. Only recently, within the past week I've noticed depression setting in. I realized that I'm not just taking the pills to knock things off the to do list, but I'm also trying to make myself happy. The catch though, is that of course- they never make me happy. They make me more irritable, anxious and increase the feelings of worthlessness. I have had panic attacks on it. I often have trouble breathing, or catching a deep breath.

I want desperately to flush what I have left down the toilet but it's never the 'right' time.

I worry that I'll cause even more damage doing it right now because there's so much going on in my life.

I'm in the middle of a divorce, I'm raising my son, I run my business, I'm PTA pres. How in the world am I going to continue fulfilling all of these duties while quitting? To get through the shitty marriage and now divorce, I've shouldered myself with a lot so I wouldn't have to be alone with my thoughts.

I just know that I feel pathetic now, I'm embarrassed at the reality of who I've become, I feel like a joke. Everyone thinks I'm so emotionally strong because I'm going through a divorce and taking care of everything without drama or chaos. I'm a wreck every night though. I'm so lonely.

When I take the pills, I become completely self centered and forget what's important; I forget what life is all about. I spend money recklessly, I drive recklessly, I'm inconsiderate to those I love the most.

I never thought I would get addicted to it and I hate that I have. I have always had incredible will power.

I've become so emotionally weak now because of these pills.

I called my therapist and told her I thought I was getting depressed so I have an appt set for Tuesday so she can evaluate me.

Can I please get off the ride?

[Zerokewl]

Sounds like you are having a hard time of things. My heart goes out to you. Sounds like the pills are making you crazy. But also like life is a motherfucker right now. Welcome to the board a place filled with people who get it. Adderall addiction is a tough place to be in.  If you would like to quit I recommend going through the article section of this site and reading some old posts. You will need to prepare for the crash that follows.  Good luck please post often and let us know how you are doing.

[Spektor]

Thanks for the reply. I've been slowly going through the articles. I'm going to get the vitamins etc and plan accordingly. I felt pretty nauseated all day from taking so much yesterday. I've only taken 40mg Vyvanse today but I'm not feeling 'happy' just Debby's Downer and crying spells. I appreciate the website that has been provided.

[Cat]

Hi Spektor, your post could have been written by me a year ago. You are experiencing the end of your adderall addiction. At this point adderall doesn't do anything positive for you, it makes you more depressed and self centered and stuck, yet you continue to take it because the idea of getting through a day without it seems impossible. At this point your best bet is to go cold turkey: tell your doctor not to prescribe you any more, flush the rest of your stash, and ride out the crash. It'll suck at first. You have a lot going on in your life, and you may have to back out of some commitments for the first month or two, so try to prepare for that. It'll be hard but the world will not end, life will go on, and it will only get better. So much better.

 

You've come to the right place for support. Read the threads, you will find inspiration and encouragement from people who are on day 1, day 7, day 30, 6 months, a year, two years, three years. Life without adderall is SO MUCH BETTER. It's the holiday season, if you quit now and revisit your post in one year you will be amazed and grateful for how far you've come and how much happier you'll be!