My Story

[Roseale]

I just want to get to the point. 

 

Here we go. I first started adderall when I was 15. I underestimated its effects and I can't quite remember why my friend had given it to me. I popped a 25mg time released pill at 6PM, not knowing I would be up until the next day. I was a chatterbox and I could not stop organizing my student planner; I was beyond excited to start my sophomore semester. I became inspired, motivated, and life became clear. 

 

I began taking this drug until I was 18 on and off, buying it through a friend to get good grades. I also loved taking it at concerts. My best friend and I loved the drug and bonded when we used it. I am connected to it emotionally at the deepest of all levels. The drug feels like my best friend. 

 

I stopped taking it when I left for college for 6 months. I was so depressed. I stole the drug from my best friend occasionally because she lived with me. I fought the urge for a while but still I could not manage to quit. I have attempted quitting about 10+ times by now. I have thrown the drugs out my car window and flushed pills down the toilet. 

 

I am nearly 23 now and I have habitually taken the drug for years, buying it illegally, taking it the bathroom stalls between classes-etc. I have stolen this drug from many people. It's so hard to talk about because after a while I convince myself that it's all OK and I bury my guilt. 

 

Why do I take adderall? I am depressed. I just love getting shit done and being noticed for it. I love love love feeling like I'm accomplishing important things in life. I feel like it helps me "grow." I also like to go to concerts and I get so excited at parties/events, or even when hanging out with friends; when I get feeling this way, I crave the drug. The drug makes me bigger and better. It basically feels like one big orgasm. 

 

Why do I want to quit? I am to the point where I can not enjoy watching a movie. I also feel a deep sense of loneliness and I cry a lot. I want to be myself again. Another reason why I want to quit is because I make terrible selfless decisions when I'm on the drug. I decide that it's OK to work every second of my life away for others. I decide that it's OK to date a drug-addict who sleeps on my couch and doesn't pay rent. I have low self-esteem and self-worth. I feel guilty all the time and I feel incredibly lonely. 

 

Why am I afraid to quit? I am going for a Master Degree right now and I fear that I will crave the drug when I am depressed and unmotivated. I'm afraid to quit because I have tried so many times and have failed. My best friend takes it; in fact 90% of the people close (including my dad) to me take it at least occasionally, and talk about it like it's no biggie. This depresses me and helps me justify using the drug.

 

I could go on about how much adderall is intertwined with my life and its meaning. For the past 8 years I have been battling with this addiction alone. I don't ever want to take it again. It's just hard to restructure your life because it's hard to remember life before adderall. 

 

 

 

 

[Zerokewl]

Welcome aboard. Sounds like you are really struggling with your addiction.  I would recommend reading all the materials on this on this site.  You may want to check out an NA or SMART recovery meeting.  Everybody get clean differently. Arm your self with information, the more you understand why you "love" Adderall and how it effects your mind. You'll begin to understand how to get clean.   The process of getting clean isn't easy...but its a lot easier than the hell you live in now.   Post here often and let us know how you are doing.  We are all here to support each other.   

[ashley6]

Roseale,

Welcome to the site. You've come to the right place. Your post really hit home with me. When you said adderall has basically become your best friend, I remember feeling exactly the same way. It's like having an evil, lying, backstabbing best friend that you just can't turn your back on....or haven't yet. Let me assure you.....there is hope. I never in my wildest dreams thought I could quit adderall.....it was MY LIFE. Adderall becoming our best friend is at the expense of having what I'd consider a life, more like an existence. When the pain of using becomes greater than the pain of quitting, you will make the decision to quit, and it sounds like you realize how much it is destroying your life. It doesn't matter how many times you've quit unsuccessfully. In fact, maybe you've learned a lot of what to avoid in order to have a successful quit, if you feel ready. I was regularly buying adderall illegally to support my on average 100 milligrams/day habit for a good amount of time before I quit. Something that helped me realize I needed to change my life is when I was in counseling one day discussing the illegal and immoral things I was doing. I said, "this isn't who I am." But in fact, it was exactly who I was. I was a junkie who was selling my soul to get high off of adderall. I believe there will come a time when you get to a point of being sick and tired of being sick and tired, and it sounds like you're there. While the journey of quitting is to be blunt very fucking painful, it's so worth getting your life back. Recovery from addiction is a day at a time, and I'm so grateful for every single day that passes that I'm adderall-free. I have so much faith that if you choose to fight this battle and quit, you CAN do it. It's worth it. You're worth it.

[Roseale]

Ashley and Zerokewl,

 

Thank you for your resposes, I feel incredibly relived to know that someone else has gone through the same pain. I am back on here today because I'm experiencing severe depression because of uncontrollable cicrcumstances. My boyfriend hasn't called me for days. Whenever this happens I get anxious, depressed and insecure, almost like I have no control over my life. Should I tell him that I need him now more than ever? I wish I could just escape the pain but I can't. I'm so used to avoiding these feelings and for the first time in years the pain feels so raw. Just the thought of getting the pills makes me feel better, but going there is dangerous. Thoughts soon lead to actions. Is there any advise for dealing with my boyfriends ignorance? Thanks.

[ashley6]

Roseale,

How long has it been since you've quit? I ask because I think although everyone's recovery is different, the early stages of recovery are so hard because we had forgotten what it's like to feel and dealing with real emotions becomes a foreign concept. Is your boyfriend typically supportive? What kind of relationship do you have? Does he already have an idea what you're going through with quitting? I absolutely think you need some kind of support right now. If he can't or won't be there, do you have a friend or family member you can go to? A lot of people find AA or NA to be helpful. And of course, we on the site are here to help you. Alone with our own thoughts with addiction we can start to believe the lies that adderall will make it all better. Those thoughts=lies. Adderall is what got us to a place of desperation, why would we think it would solve our problems? Again, addiction lies. Roseale, I have faith you can do this if you choose! One second, one minute, one hour at a time!

[Roseale]

Ashley,

I quit on January 1st. So it has been 20 days. It was easier last week than this week and I'm unsure why. My boyfriend is supportive but I haven't told him, and he takes adderall too, so I'm secretly pissed at him for that. We have been dating for almost a year now and I'm not sure if I want to tell him because I'm afraid I'm too week to keep this sobriety up. I'm afraid of disapoining myself especially someone else. I tried to get a hold of my dealer today but for some reason he hasn't called back. I swear there are two people inside me and it is EXAUSTING! Ashley, you are right I need to get help and tomorrow morning I'm going to find out where I can get counseling. I'm not stronger than the addiction and the thoughts are true lies but I can not see it. Until now...that I read your post. Thank you so much. I made it one more day. I have one more question though-

Should I tell my boyfriend about my addiction?

[Jon]

Yes, you should tell your boyfriend about your addiction and especially about stopping. If you ask me, having a boyfriend who takes the very drug you are trying to quit, will undermine any success at quitting.

 

You need to change the people, the places and the things that are related to Adderall to be successful in quitting.

 

Please get the drug counciling you spoke of. Go to NA or AA meetings. You have 20 tender days under your belt. They are precious days. Protect them with your life, because that is what's on the line.