Day 1 crash landing....

[Santiago de Compostel]

Hi everybody,

 

First of all I just want to say thanks for this wondefull site. Its been really comforting and helps a lot to relate.

 

I've on and off adderall for seven years. Ive been self medicating before that with stimulants since i'm 14 years old. Being the black goat child of a narccisist was never easy for me. I've always lack confidence in me and sometimes I like sabotaging myself.

 

In September I went on a spiritual walk. The Santiago the Compostella walk.  I walked 1600km from Paris to Santiago in Spain. I never cheated once and I even walked twice the distance regular pelgrims normally do. I wanted to prove to myself I wasnt lazy, unmotivated and weak being off adderall and I did. I even carried people's backPack on this trip. I've walked the first 600km with a cane because of broken ankle but it never stopped me. I was an Example and I was respected. I felt like supeman and god was there with me all the time.  Anyway If I would be the person I was on that walk here in my life here in Québec Canada, I would lift moutains.

 

But I did'nt....Its not something I learned to do...

 

And it's not what I did. When I got back, depression and fatigue kinda hit me. I crash landed from a pure high and from being the strong person i've been on this trip. The devil was happy to remind me how my life sucks here. I lost myself and was back to where I was 2 months before leaving for France. I went back to the doctor and renew my prescription for adderall and 3 days after I was abusing.

 

For me Adderall is the devil in a pill. I get completly detach from my heart when I take it. I get weird to the point that I will watch weird porn 3 days in row without sleeping. I'm less sociable on it. It's the Sin pill....

 

Now that im crash landing from 45 days of sabotaging myself I want to find myself back. I want to be who I was 45 days ago. I need to find a way to beleive in myself and to bring my fruits to life. I need patience and acceptance. Love is all that. Hopefully i will get better sooner because it was a 45 day relapse. 

 

I need to walk my own life like I walk my way to Santiago.  

[Jon]

Hi Mathieu,

 

Welcome to the forums. What an incredible experience you collected on your walk from Paris to Santiago! First you had to believe that you could do it, without chemicals. Now that you are back in Quebec, you need to find a way to believe in yourself again.

 

You have stated that you have been on and off "the devil in a pill" for 7 years and you still have a doctor that will write you prescriptions. Are you willing to tell that doctor that you are addicted to speed?

 

Why not seek someone to help you with your "inner walk" to Santiago? We can help you with the quitting part when you are ready to quit for good.

 

Nice travels! Thank you for sharing.

[SweetCarolinee]

Hi there!

Welcome and thank you so much for sharing your story/experience with us. I'm glad you found this amazing site. I don't think I would be where I am today without it. Honestly.

The spiritual walk "The Santiage the Compostella walk" you went on sounds incredible and like an amazing experience. It must have taken a lot of will power, strength, bravery and more to get through it and you did it! That's amazing. I've never done anything like that in my life but would love too.

I think you can be the person you described after the walk -- respected, like superman, with God and you can lift mountains. I really believe that. Now it's time for you to believe that and your first step is getting off Adderall! You just have to believe in yourself and that you can, no... WILL. The human mind is such a powerful, remarkable thing.

When you came back to Canada and the depression and fatigue hit you - that was probably/most likely the withdrawal stages of quitting Adderall setting in. This has happened to most, if not all of us during our recovery. It's the chemicals in our mind readjusting and hopefully fixing themselves after all those years of abuse on Adderall. While on your spiritual walk, you were moving the entire time and your endorphins were probably flowing, which helps makes a difference in mood and anxiety. You were free and you can get back there and to that place of peace, you just have to not give in. You already proved you can be without Adderall and push your body to incredible heights and go the distance, you have to be willing to do it again but this time quitting for good.

You have to understand what you are going through right now (when you came back from your travels) is normal and the normal part of recovery and getting back to your pre-adderall self. I try to look at it in a positive way, although I feel like shit and depressed, I'm not going crazy - it's apart of the "healing" and recovery process to become healthy once again. And it will make me stronger. Not only stronger, the further along I get on my recovery, I feel I'm more motivated to stay clean and not go back to my old ways and the last thing I want to do is have to restart the "recovery" process over. I refuse to do that.

You should try doing Bikram yoga, it may take you back to your "The Santiage the Compostella Walk" days. A place of inner peace and spirituality. I've been doing it the last 2 weeks and it has been amazing and making me feel great. I definitely wouldn't have been able to do it on Adderall. It really helps during recovery and to sweat out every toxin in your body.

You have the power in you, my friend and we are here for you for support and friendship!

[Zerokewl]

Welcome to the site. Its great to have another Canadian on the site.  

[Santiago de Compostel]

T

Hi Mathieu,

 

Welcome to the forums. What an incredible experience you collected on your walk from Paris to Santiago! First you had to believe that you could do it, without chemicals. Now that you are back in Quebec, you need to find a way to believe in yourself again.

 

You have stated that you have been on and off "the devil in a pill" for 7 years and you still have a doctor that will write you prescriptions. Are you willing to tell that doctor that you are addicted to speed?

 

Why not seek someone to help you with your "inner walk" to Santiago? We can help you with the quitting part when you are ready to quit for good.

 

Nice travels! Thank you for sharing.

Hi Jon,

I remember 2years ago sending a emails to my psychiatrist saying he needed to banned me from illegibility to receive prescription drugs and wanted out. I was doing well for 6 months and in a moment of doubt I decided to call the pharmacy just to see if my prescription got cancelled. It didn't ... So I was hooked for another 2-3 months.

Yes iI should be doing this but pill pushers are everywhere and street dealers probably too... It all comes up to me at the end.

[Santiago de Compostel]

Hi there!

Welcome and thank you so much for sharing your story/experience with us. I'm glad you found this amazing site. I don't think I would be where I am today without it. Honestly.

The spiritual walk "The Santiage the Compostella walk" you went on sounds incredible and like an amazing experience. It must have taken a lot of will power, strength, bravery and more to get through it and you did it! That's amazing. I've never done anything like that in my life but would love too.

I think you can be the person you described after the walk -- respected, like superman, with God and you can lift mountains. I really believe that. Now it's time for you to believe that and your first step is getting off Adderall! You just have to believe in yourself and that you can, no... WILL. The human mind is such a powerful, remarkable thing.

When you came back to Canada and the depression and fatigue hit you - that was probably/most likely the withdrawal stages of quitting Adderall setting in. This has happened to most, if not all of us during our recovery. It's the chemicals in our mind readjusting and hopefully fixing themselves after all those years of abuse on Adderall. While on your spiritual walk, you were moving the entire time and your endorphins were probably flowing, which helps makes a difference in mood and anxiety. You were free and you can get back there and to that place of peace, you just have to not give in. You already proved you can be without Adderall and push your body to incredible heights and go the distance, you have to be willing to do it again but this time quitting for good.

You have to understand what you are going through right now (when you came back from your travels) is normal and the normal part of recovery and getting back to your pre-adderall self. I try to look at it in a positive way, although I feel like shit and depressed, I'm not going crazy - it's apart of the "healing" and recovery process to become healthy once again. And it will make me stronger. Not only stronger, the further along I get on my recovery, I feel I'm more motivated to stay clean and not go back to my old ways and the last thing I want to do is have to restart the "recovery" process over. I refuse to do that.

You should try doing Bikram yoga, it may take you back to your "The Santiage the Compostella Walk" days. A place of inner peace and spirituality. I've been doing it the last 2 weeks and it has been amazing and making me feel great. I definitely wouldn't have been able to do it on Adderall. It really helps during recovery and to sweat out every toxin in your body.

You have the power in you, my friend and we are here for you for support and friendship!

Wow powerful and so true.

First 48h are not that hard but it's after that it becomes a challenge being sain. I beleive I'm gonna have to accept my condition by having some empathy for myself. Walking hand in hand with my hearth. That has always been the best remedy for me. For me that's being sober. Being sober makes you get out of bed, it's all about acceptance love and compassion for yourself and others. Abstinence without sobriety is a NO GO for me. When I only feel sorry for myself, sleeping my life away, living out off anxiety, regrets and breeding anger. That's where I was when I decided to use again 3 weeks ago. I couldn't live being that miserable and so I called the pharmacy and they let me have my renewal 40 days in advance. Bad decision....Maybe Wellbutrin would of been more appropriate.

Concerning relaxation, funny thing I was searching on the subject tonight on my new american version netflix accessible now with Apple TV. Wow Good selection America. There is tons of documentary on spirituality, yoga and huge library has oppose to Canada. Yes I'm even willing to do that for my recovery. Notting illegal ....I kinda have to grab on to anything that will get me closer to sobriety. I will practice relaxation. I know im gifted spiritually, I just need to sit stil no leg shaking. Lol

Merci Sweet Caroline !!!!

Medi

T

Hi Jon,

I remember 2years ago sending a emails to my psychiatrist saying he needed to banned me from illegibility to receive prescription drugs and wanted out. I was doing well for 6 months and in a moment of doubt I decided to call the pharmacy just to see if my prescription got cancelled. It didn't ... So I was hooked for another 2-3 months.

Yes iI should be doing this but pill pushers are everywhere and street dealers probably too... It all comes up to me at the end.