14 months and where I'm at.

[Sebastian05]

Hi Everyone:

 

It has been a while since I've posted, so I figured I'd drop by. 

 

This waiting game is just the worst. Its been 14 months (when we hit April it will be 15 months) and I'm still waiting to feel good again.

 

I think I'm doing better than a year ago, but still, things are a bit rough. The anxiety is still there. The depression is still there. I just feel very BLAH.

 

I've resisted anti-depressants (as most of you who know my story already know) and I'm going to continue to try staying away from that route.

 

So, something I'm concerned about is the fact that prior to Adderall, I would always get really awful anxiety before tests and exams. This started as a child with Spelling Tests and went all the way through Law School. Thats when the adderall  came into the picture.

 

Adderall did something for me that was amazing. It got rid of all my anxiety and really helped me focus and buckle down and confidently approach all of my responsibilities.

 

Thats why when I was on adderall, I was sure I'd be on it for life. Because it fixed everything that used to drive me crazy about myself.

 

Well, 14 months have gone by. No adderall...but I have pretty bad anxiety and it really sucks.

 

Im working out, eating right (but this is nothing new for me...before and during adderall i was eating healthy and working out) but I'm just really having trouble being positive.

 

I'm having trouble staying focused, being positive and being happy and optimistic about my life.

 

I've been out on a bunch of dates and I really cant seem to find a spark with anyone and now I'm starting to think maybe its me.

 

I dont know what to do. Part of me is wondering if i should go see a doc and maybe try Ritalin or something. Part of me is wondering if i should just say screw it and go back to 10-20 mgs of adderall a day. Part of me thinks i should give Wellbutrin a shot to see what happens.

 

I just dont want to be on any pharmaceutical drugs anymore and I certainly dont want to be on anything for life.

 

I noticed Cassie mentioned previously that she's having a hard time having fun. I'm right there with you. I just dont get enthusiastically happy and excited about things anymore and it breaks my heart and I'm so scared I'm going to be like this forever.

 

Is this a waiting game? Is my brain going to somehow and at some point reset? Do I need anti-depressants to make myself better? I have no idea what to do.

 

For those of you who know me, you might remember that I moved to the Philadelphia area for work. I feel really alone out here and feel like this was all a big mistake. I have a good job and it pays well, but I'm just not passionate about it and it bores me to death.

 

Another problem with my job is it is mostly working from home. So im isolated from the world all day (which isnt good for my mental health) but I have no choice right now. The only time i see people is when i go to the gym at night or when i go to bikram yoga  at night (its hot yoga and they turn the room up to 105 degrees and you sweat like you couldn't possibly imagine). Im new to yoga. Have only been going for two weeks, but I want to keep it in my life as I feel like it could seriously help with depression and anxiety.

 

I should be really happy with myself and with my life but I just cant seem to be. Things are better than a year ago, but I'm just not a happy camper. I'm like a BLAH camper. I hope this changes.

 

I dunno what the factors are that are making me so unhappy. Is it that i quit adderall and that I'm still struggling with that? Is it because I dont really like my job that much or where I live and now I'm a homeowner in a town I dont really like? Is it because I don't feel like a successful person? I have no clue.

 

Sorry, I'm thinking out loud, but i just wanted to reach out to see what you all think and to hopefully get some good advice.

 

Thanks as always,

 

Sebastian

[JustinW]

Sebastian,

 

Thanks for the update and quick rehash of your story; I remember talking about your isolation in previous posts.  It sounds to me like you might need some sort of anti-d in the short term in order to get back on top of things.  I would suggest staying away from any stimulants like Ritalin, Concerta, etc.  OTOH, life isn't meant to be all positives either so go easy on yourself (maybe you're trying to force it too much).  A song comes to mind by an artist that I can't seem to name at the moment:

 

"What's love without pain,

What's sun without rain,

What's blood without veins,

Useless

Like tryin' to smoke a blunt without a flame"

 

All that to say the bad times make the good times that much sweeter.

[Marissa]

I can't say I know what you're going through entirely because I haven't stayed off Adderall for that long, but it sounds like you're grappling with a lot of uncertainty about the state you're in and why, which is definitely scary. I think you should be proud of yourself for those 14 months- not only have you managed to stay away from Adderall, you did so while committing to being healthy and "getting out there". Quitting to begin with sounds overwhelming to me, but you have been going beyond that to better yourself and I think that's amazing. 

 

I can really understand where you're coming from in terms of wanting to stay away from pharmaceuticals, especially anti-depressants. I mentioned before in another post that the "exit plan" of medications (in my opinion) is rarely discussed or considered. And even though you know what stimulants will do, because we all know they work (from experience), I think the uncertainty you feel now is a result of using medication in the first place. Going back to it stimulants might work for now, but those feelings will still be there. Starting an anti-depressant might cause the same questions to arise: is this me or the drug? There's never a clear answer.

 

At the same time, I've seen friends and family benefit from anti-depressants and not have those feelings. Some of them have taken it for a short bit, gained a sense of balance, and gotten off of them no problem. So, like Justin said, that could be an option worth considering.

 

Maybe if you decide to see a doctor, discuss "short term" plans? Make it clear that you don't want to be on medication, and don't want to be on medication for life, and maybe they will be receptive to that.

 

I also like to consider the notion that things always change and do change, sometimes for better and sometimes for worse. You're making an incredible effort to make things better, and even if they haven't seemed that way, it's probably going to start looking up at some point! It has to right?

 

I don't "know" any of these things, just some thoughts on your thoughts. 

[Cassie]

One thing that's helped me is to not try to be positive, happy or optimistic if that's not what I'm feeling. Trying to change my feelings never works for me. It feels tedious and superficial. Instead I stop resisting what I'm feeling and lean into it. Then it passes and I feel good again. Sometimes it takes a day or so, but it passes if I don't try to change it. I think that's the key, learning to feel crappy at times without trying to change those feelings whenever they arise, or wonder what you can do to change your mood. What you resists persists, as they say. On Adderall you're used to never feeling sadness or having to suffer a low mood, but that's not human. In reality, good feelings pass through and bad feelings pass through.

 

Meditation helps a lot with this. The whole point of sitting upright and focusing on your breath is to learn how to detach yourself from your mind/thoughts. Consider doing meditation for 20 minutes a day.

 

Also, being isolated and understimulated really affects my mood. I notice a huge difference when I'm working around/conversing with a lot of people vs. working from home. I need a highly stimulating, fast paced job, otherwise I'm in my own head all the time. So, I would say that's absolutely a factor.

[BeHereNow]

Sebastian,

 

All other factors aside, moving to a new city can be an overwhelming life change in itself and that can take at least a year to fully adjust.  Especially a huge city.  You'd think you wouldn't feel alone, but a big city can be the most isolating place to be.  It's really hard to meet people at our age.  So maybe it would help to give yourself time and patience with that part of it, because it might be a huge contributing factor.

 

Maybe, if you open yourself up to meeting more new people, that could help?  

 

When I was living in a new city where I knew no one for awhile, I tried online dating.  It's interesting, you can meet really great local people who can show you around and introduce you to new friends.  Also it used to be my "dirty secret" lol but there's nothing shameful in it anymore, it's so common.

 

It sounds like you're living really healthy and doing all the right things.  Any supplements?  Do certain foods help you?  

 

Is novelty in any form possible in your life right now?

[SweetCarolinee]

Sebastian,

I wish you were feeling better than you are but know this time will pass. Nothing in life is certain and definitely not these feelings your having. They aren't permanent. It seems like you may be kind of in a little bit of a rut or funk. This happens to everyone and sucks but things will get better. It's just another bump in the road.

Maybe you got to change things up or add a little spice to your life. That's awesome you just started Bikram yoga, I've been doing it for almost 2 months now and I love it, I'm not very good at it but I think it's my new addiction. It feels so good to be sweatin' out all those toxins.

I definitely don't think the answer is pills though but what do I know, I'm on Zoloft myself and I think it has been helping. I started it back in October.

After reading your post, from my perspective - you seem to be doing pretty damn great. You have a lot going for you (and you should be proud of yourself); a good job, a house, a new exciting city to explore. Maybe it's all about how you look at things. Or you may be feeling the Winter time blues. Your chemicals can still be messed up from the Adderall use.

You said "Adderall did something for me that was amazing. It got rid of all my anxiety and really helped me focus and buckle down and confidently approach all of my responsibilities." I feel the same way but it also made me crazy, depressed and a drunk, all at the same time.

Your having a problem with being positive - maybe you can try fakin' it till you make it. Thoughts become habits/actions so maybe start trying to think more positively little by little and that may become a habit/new thinking process for you. I suggest looking into cognitive therapy or getting a life couch possibly. Hey, it's worth a shot.

About being bored, maybe check out Groupon or LivingSocial for some cool deals to new activities, events, or restaurants to try in Philly. Also, spring is just around the corner, maybe sign up for a co-ed kickball team on Sundays. I did this while in college in Savannah, GA and had a blast. We would bring beers and drink while playing and all go out to dinner afterwards together. It's a great way to meet new people. Just be open-minded and open to new experiences!

Some people may think I'm off my rocker but I honestly think, thinking positively and surrounding yourself with positive people brings positive energy and karma your way and into your life. Around a year ago, I started cleaning my life of negativity/negative people and I've never been happier. I also believe in sending out positive energy and thoughts into the universe helps. Try not to dwell on the negative and when you start too, replace those thoughts with something positive or the opposite of what you were thinking. Half full not half empty.

Okay enough with my hippie babble lol I just wanted to try to help. My boyfriend makes fun of me all the time and calls me "peace, love and sunshine" but I don't mind it, I kind of like that saying.

 

Everything is gonna be okay!

[SweetCarolinee]

I get daily e-mails from these 3 sites and sometimes they give me a little pick me up:

 

- MindBodyGreen Daily (They also offer ecourses for meditation and other things)

 

- The Daily Positive

 

- The Universe: A Note from the Universe (I found out about this thanks to ZeroKewl!)

[SquirrelTail]

Hi Sebastian,

I can relate quite well with the anxiety you're experiencing. Long before taking stimulants, I was riddled with anxiety as a kid - even exhibiting Obsessive Compulsive tendencies (based heavily in anxiety). I'm not one to push meds, but if the anxiety seems irrational and oppressive like it has been with me, an SSRI antidepressant may be helpful. I've been on many antidepressants in my life, but recently I got to rediscover my "natural" state of being without any meds. My anxiety came back like when I was a kid. Anyways, I started taking Lexapro (an SSRI I tried about 10 years ago that worked well for me). That seemed to help and I stopped having the melt-downs I was having prior to it. 

 

Let me clarify that SSRI antidepressants are administered for depression as well as anxiety - which is why I wanted to bring it up despite your aversion. I feel I can relate a lot to how you're feeling and it might be something to consider. In my experience, if you do consider taking an antidepressant, be very wary of doctors pushing new meds. They're are plenty of SSRIs that have been around for years, thoroughly researched, and far cheaper than new meds seeking profit. Also, STAY AWAY FROM BENZOs (Klonopin, Zanax, Valium, etc). I know from personal experience that Benzos are a nasty med to get involved with. 

 

I wish you the best!

[Krax]

One thing that's helped me is to not try to be positive, happy or optimistic if that's not what I'm feeling. Trying to change my feelings never works for me. It feels tedious and superficial. Instead I stop resisting what I'm feeling and lean into it. Then it passes and I feel good again. Sometimes it takes a day or so, but it passes if I don't try to change it. I think that's the key, learning to feel crappy at times without trying to change those feelings whenever they arise, or wonder what you can do to change your mood. What you resists persists, as they say. On Adderall you're used to never feeling sadness or having to suffer a low mood, but that's not human. In reality, good feelings pass through and bad feelings pass through..

Very much agree. Trying to be positive or happy by telling myself to be happy is like trying to fall asleep by telling myself to fall asleep.

[hyper_critical]

Pretty sure there is empirical research backing the efficacy of affirmation, along with overwhelming anecdotal evidence.

 

Sebastian - you sound miserable and depressed, and well on your way toward hopeless. Nothing good happens from there. Speaking from experience...

 

It's funny: people like us, who were so willing to use any number of substances in absurd quantities to regulate our moods and alter our mental states get a little bit of clean time under our belt and won't even consider trying medication that could actually help us. I made similar points aggressively when it was first recommended I could benefit from an antidepressant. It was just well articulated denial on my part.

 

I started Wellbutrin six months in, and it's really helped.

 

If nothing changes, nothing changes.

[Greg]

Sebastian I have been on Effexor since I quit and it's no big deal. Anti depressants are totally unaddictive or anything like that I understand where u r coming from about not wanting to take anything. Just want to give you a different perspective on them.

[ashley6]

Sebastian,

I know you've been struggling with this for awhile now. It is absolutely your right to say no antidepressants, obviously. Just keep in mind that sometimes there are imbalances in our brains...not that there will always be, but I know I am prone to depression. I still struggle with it sometimes, but it is nowhere near where it was before antidepressants. Before I got back on antidepressants after quitting adderall, I found hope again. I'm trying to see your view on why you are so adamantly against antidepressants. Maybe I'm too open to being medicated, but I just believe if it can significantly improve the quality of your life, it's worth a shot, but it's a personal decision. Antidepressants are absolutely not like adderall. I really agree with what hypercritical said, although I know you didn't abuse adderall. I hope things start getting better for you!

[quit-once]

Just to give some balance to this discussion, I will add my two cents:  I am absolutely opposed to putting any pharmaceutical drug into my body unless it is a medical necessity.  A belief I developed after the adderall experience. 

edit:  pharma=poison (greek translation of the root word)