Progress & The Shortness of Life

[BeHereNow]

Hey friends,

 

I'm almost 16 months clean, and I feel like I'm at a major milestone in my recovery.   I feel like my mental functioning, self confidence, lucidity, motivation level, and energy level are starting to reach a place where they never were before, not even pre-adderall.  I feel so much smarter than I ever was on adderall....because I AM.   I feel like I understand things now so much better, and in ways that the adderall brain-cage wouldn't even let me reach. Mainly, I have a new sense of the extreme shortness of life.   But also, I have my manic life energy back.  And I keep wondering what the hell to do with it all, I almost can't handle it, it's too much. But then I remember that it's a gift, and what I need to do with it is to live.

 

For the past couple months as a lot of you know, I've been playing around with different approaches to life and work, because I've been in a horrible slump, extremely depressed, and dealing with paralyzing anxiety.   So I've been putting a lot of focus into improving myself and my life.  It's helping.

 

For the past couple weeks, especially last week, I spent some time genuinely connecting with my mentor (who's had my back for years now, and who has been wanting to be better connected with me.)  I had kept her at arm's length this whole time and I don't even understand why.  I was too shy, and plus I've had an inferiority complex my whole life (another recent realization.) Oh yeah, and I was so tweaked out on adderall, I didn't trust a word that came out of my own mouth.

 

So, that happened, and will continue because life is too short, and my time here is too short, for me not to enjoy a full and great relationship with my mentor.  This probably sounds so ridiculous, but for me as a recovering adderallic its a big deal.

 

I also just reached out to 2 people to ask if they would be on my thesis committee, and that's a big deal for me too.   I've been too scared to take that step for years.  This sounds so silly when I say it out loud.  But I guess I had always assumed nobody would want to work with me.  Which just plain isn't true.

 

I also recently stood up for myself in a situation where I felt I was being unfairly compared to other people.  I made it clear that constructive critique is welcome, but that I can't compare myself to other people and anyways, they don't have anything that I don't, and I'm not them.  I'm ME.   That's probably not something I would have had the courage to do in the past.

 

Continuing with the shortness of life theme, I spent some time yesterday crying, and I needed to cry.  I was crying about my grandma, who's 92 and her health is going rapidly downhill.  She's been my best friend for most of my life.  In so many ways, I AM her, and she's with me all the time.  But I can't really even actually visit her anymore. I mean I CAN, but she barely remembers who I am anymore and it's not even close to how we were.   We used to chat and laugh for hours (she was only like 60 when I was born) and we have just always had an incredible connection.  On adderall I didn't let myself realize that she was already dying.  I didn't let myself feel it or grieve.  And I didn't spend as much time with her as I could have during those years, because I was so "busy" tweaking.  In the process she was going rapidly downhill.  I can't beat myself up over this and I know she's still with me.  But that helped me think more about how short, and how precious, our lives really are.  

 

Then I spent my evening with my partner and being in love.  On adderall I was never capable of the depth of love that I feel now for this person, that I feel for my own self and my loved ones.  It's part of my re-growing intelligence and it's part of how I understand the world better, because I have so much more love in my heart now.  Adderall took that capacity from me, but now it's back.

 

And I fell asleep saying, I'm so grateful I never have to take adderall ever again.  To be out of that cycle.   So grateful my brain will never be in that cage again.   I'm so far beyond it, I don't think I could even fit into that cage again, not even if I wanted to.  

[Zerokewl]

wow. great post thanks! 

[hyper_critical]

What a hopeful post.

 

Fear can take so many forms. I can identify with the fear of not being good enough. The impulse to act on feelings of inadequacy is a big theme of my step work (and, just as often, to NOT act due to those feelings). Fear is insidious.

 

In recovery, we have two choices:

 

F*ck Everything And Run

 

or

 

Face Everything And Recover

 

Eventually, fear turns into hope, and hope turns into faith. 

 

[SweetCarolinee]

Occasional,

That was such a beautiful post, I loved reading every minute of it. Thank you so much for sharing everything with us.

First off, I wanted to say congratulations on 16 months clean, that is amazing and a huge accomplishment and milestone. I dream about the day I hit that mark on my calendar. We are so proud of you! That is amazing to hear your doing/feeling so much better (even better than before starting Adderall) and you have your energy back, more than you know what to do with

It's really great to hear you've been working on improving your life and benefiting from the changes you've been making. I am always trying to improve my lifestyle and myself, so it's wonderful to hear what's working for others. I'm happy you've been conquering some of your fears as well. Hell to the yes!

You are so right; life is too damn short. That is for sure.

We need to stop wasting time and start spending it with the people we love the most and telling them how we truly feel!

I love the part you said:

"Then I spent my evening with my partner and being in love.  On adderall I was never capable of the depth of love that I feel now for this person, that I feel for my own self and my loved ones.  It's part of my re-growing intelligence and it's part of how I understand the world better, because I have so much more love in my heart now.  Adderall took that capacity from me, but now it's back."

That is really beautiful, wonderful, smart, strong, romantic and TRUE and just totally made me smile. I can completely relate and it's a remarkable feeling. That/it alone makes me never want to take or touch Adderall again. Ever.

Thanks for this inspiring post and being an inspiration on this site and in life!