My story...it all starts with music and self hate..

[FinallyHere]

This is just a bit of my story..

It's much longer, but I wanted to share some of it. I also want to say that I tried quitting over the weekend, but gave in today and feel ashamed and condemned.

Hi everyone.

I have abused adderall on and off for 10 years. I am a drug addict.

I have been a professional musician since I graduated college (jazz bass)

There was a time when the thought of playing a gig gave me an incredible rush of energy and natural passion.

Out of college I had a few good paying, regular gigs right away.

My main gig was an intense gig with my teacher from graduate school, he playing a different instrument than the one I studied under him with.

I had moved to a different city to study with him specifically at the advice of a professor during my undergrad.

I come from an abusive home with a domineering father who knew exactly how to make me feel worthless and doubt myself at every turn.

I never felt settled or secure in any decision, and subconsciously (or maybe consciously) I sought out male authority figures with similar traits to my father.

This teacher was one of them and the torment he put on me was much worse. I would get yelled at while I was playing, made fun of and generally ridiculed by him.

Here was music, something I had loved my entire life, and received validation for, being used as a weapon to destroy and humiliate me.

My only other male figure behaved the same way, so I didn't see just how fucked up and unhealthy the situation was.

It was something I deserved and part of paying dues and punishment for being born and daring to dream.

I immediately found myself struck with absolute terror at the thought of playing this gig for 4 hours every Friday night. I was scared to get fired, scared to quit.

If I did I would be a failure, at the one thing that I thought I was good at.

My fathers opinion of me would be confirmed, and I would have no value to the world anymore.

The thought of practicing and playing made me ill. I would curse myself for my mistakes and come away from each session feeling low and worthless.

My creative dreams were dashed, and the only thing that mattered was trying to make the 4 hours of hell I was going to experience each week more manageable.

It was impossible to practice like this and I would procrastinate, avoid the instrument and only make the situation worse each week. It was a living hell

I had tried adderall before this time, but never in a high dosage, and never with this pressing need to have to do something difficult for a prolonged period of time.

I still remember the amazing feeling that magical orange pill gave me that first time I took it before a practice session.

My mind was clear, I was motivated…I felt compassion, love and empathy for the world and myself.

When I practiced, I loved just the feeling of playing..something that had slowly been taken from me in the proceeding months.

Even though I knew I took a pill, it didn’t matter. For those 30 minutes or so while I was peaking, everything was going to be ok.

I was going to get my shit together, get organized, get in shape, reach out to others, be the person I always envisioned myself being, but never could be.

Then came the crash. For me, someone who experimented heavily with drugs in high school and college, it was similar to coming off of ecstasy.

I couldn’t quite pinpoint what had happened, but I knew that something changed.

That euphoric feeling was suddenly gone, and replaced by an incredible anguish that can only be described as hell. I would try to ignore it, smile, play some more, move around, but it was there.

My God, this void of emptiness.

The destruction of existence. I could either sit and suffer, or take another pill.

Ahhh, God has returned to my life. Things are ok again. For now. Until I have to take another.

I ran out of how ever many pills I had been given after about a week or so. I don’t know how many I took, but I can say that I didn’t care how many I took. All I cared about was that FEELING.

To feel connected. You see this was the closest thing to God I could find. Or at least what I imagine God to be. Isn't that the case with so many of us?

I've tried to quit before, sometimes I'll even go months, maybe even close to a year....but at some point, that feeling of listlessness just gets old...things just seem a little too difficult..

That creative spark that was long ago crushed and beaten out of me, yearns to come out and play, but just can't seem to do it on its own.

So I feel like I am forced to face a life of nothingness, or bursts of energy.

Hi everyone.

I have abused adderall on and off for 10 years. I am a drug addict.

I have been a professional musician since I graduated college (jazz bass)

There was a time when the thought of playing a gig gave me an incredible rush of energy and natural passion.

Out of college I had a few good paying, regular gigs right away.

My main gig was an intense gig with my teacher from graduate school, he playing a different instrument than the one I studied under him with.

I had moved to a different city to study with him specifically at the advice of a professor during my undergrad.

I come from an abusive home with a domineering father who knew exactly how to make me feel worthless and doubt myself at every turn.

I never felt settled or secure in any decision, and subconsciously (or maybe consciously) I sought out male authority figures with similar traits to my father.

This teacher was one of them and the torment he put on me was much worse. I would get yelled at while I was playing, made fun of and generally ridiculed by him.

Here was music, something I had loved my entire life, and received validation for, being used as a weapon to destroy and humiliate me.

My only other male figure behaved the same way, so I didn't see just how fucked up and unhealthy the situation was.

It was something I deserved and part of paying dues and punishment for being born and daring to dream.

I immediately found myself struck with absolute terror at the thought of playing this gig for 4 hours every Friday night. I was scared to get fired, scared to quit.

If I did I would be a failure, at the one thing that I thought I was good at.

My fathers opinion of me would be confirmed, and I would have no value to the world anymore.

The thought of practicing and playing made me ill. I would curse myself for my mistakes and come away from each session feeling low and worthless.

My creative dreams were dashed, and the only thing that mattered was trying to make the 4 hours of hell I was going to experience each week more manageable.

It was impossible to practice like this and I would procrastinate, avoid the instrument and only make the situation worse each week. It was a living hell

I had tried adderall before this time, but never in a high dosage, and never with this pressing need to have to do something difficult for a prolonged period of time.

I still remember the amazing feeling that magical orange pill gave me that first time I took it before a practice session.

My mind was clear, I was motivated…I felt compassion, love and empathy for the world and myself.

When I practiced, I loved just the feeling of playing..something that had slowly been taken from me in the proceeding months.

Even though I knew I took a pill, it didn’t matter. For those 30 minutes or so while I was peaking, everything was going to be ok.

I was going to get my shit together, get organized, get in shape, reach out to others, be the person I always envisioned myself being, but never could be.

Then came the crash. For me, someone who experimented heavily with drugs in high school and college, it was similar to coming off of ecstasy.

I couldn’t quite pinpoint what had happened, but I knew that something changed.

That euphoric feeling was suddenly gone, and replaced by an incredible anguish that can only be described as hell. I would try to ignore it, smile, play some more, move around, but it was there.

My God, this void of emptiness.

The destruction of existence. I could either sit and suffer, or take another pill.

Ahhh, God has returned to my life. Things are ok again. For now. Until I have to take another.

I ran out of how ever many pills I had been given after about a week or so. I don’t know how many I took, but I can say that I didn’t care how many I took. All I cared about was that FEELING.

To feel connected. You see this was the closest thing to God I could find. Or at least what I imagine God to be. Isn't that the case with so many of us?

I've tried to quit before, sometimes I'll even go months, maybe even close to a year....but at some point, that feeling of listlessness just gets old...things just seem a little too difficult..

That creative spark that was long ago crushed and beaten out of me, yearns to come out and play, but just can't seem to do it on its own.

So I feel like I am forced to face a life of nothingness, or burst

[Doge]

Don't condemn yourself or be ashamed.  Adderall is extremely powerful.  There's always tomorrow.

By the way, please come back to chat if you want to vent; I'm listening!

 

EDIT:  I typed the above before reading your whole story.  Now I have read it in full.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your father and teacher.  It's really tragic that people's words can have such power to damage someone else's self-esteem.

 

The way you describe the compelling effects of adderall is all to real.

 

You say you quit for almost a whole year?  That's impressive to me.  I've yet to be able to stay clean that long.

[Doge]

I also used adderall to reinvigorate my passion for playing music.

 

In some ways, any activities you do on adderall are "taken" from you in some sense.

 

But I really feel that they can be reclaimed in time.  One thing I found really helpful was to start with a new instrument; one that you have never played while on adderall.

 

I'm pretty early on in the recovery process myself, so take that with a grain of salt.

[LILTEX41]

Hi and welcome to the forum!

 

I am very sorry to hear about your father along with the abusive musician.    It makes total sense to want to reach for something that will temporarily fix the pain within.  From what you said, it sounds like you started taking adderall when you were mentally defeated by these two people and then got caught up in the trap of addiction.  There is a way out though!  Do not give up!

 

For me the biggest thing I had to learn in recovery is how to change my thinking.  People can plant seeds in your mind and if you are not careful, they can become your reality if you let them take root.  I think it would be good if you could go back and reprogram your thinking by disputing all the crap your father and that rotten music teacher put in your mind.  For every time they said something negative about you, replace it with something positive.  Push the DELETE button on all the negative and focus on everything POSITIVE.  We are all human and of equal value.  We all have strengths and weaknesses.  The enemy will try to use you and put you down in order to feel better about themselves.  They will look for your weaknesses and push those buttons to use to their advantage.  It makes them feel powerful.  Don't allow them to do this to you anymore!  It's a new day!  You gotta take the power back and reprogram your mind with thoughts of victory. (Also, there are a lot of good tools in Smart Recovery that teach how to dispute irrational beliefs. That's where I learned a lot of the ways my thinking was distorted). 

 

You said, "I was going to get my shit together, get organized, get in shape, reach out to others, be the person I always envisioned myself being, but never could be."  What is stopping you now?    You can still be this person!  You have your entire life ahead of you!   Reprogram your thinking.  Delete all the trash in your mind that the enemy planted.  Focus on everything you've done in life so far.  You have a college degree!  You are a BAD ASS MUSICIAN!  God has given you this amazing gift.  Maybe that teacher was jealous of you and was trying to sabotage you.  Don't let him do it anymore!  Focus on the joy you can bring to others with your gift.  Forgive them for being flawed....deeply flawed..and go flourish.  The world needs to hear what you have to say!

[Doge]

"Maybe that teacher was jealous of you and was trying to sabotage you.  Don't let him do it anymore!"

+1

 

This sort of thing happens between teacher and pupil quite often actually.

[anonvoice]

I've had the same experience. I used to LOVE jamming on the guitar, and when I was on Adderall (combined with a joint), playing the guitar became a singularly amazing experience. I've always loved music, but now, five months after I've quit, it's just not the same. The motivation I had to play is somehow gone. I don't know where it went but I am hoping it will return - music has always been a source of peace and solace for me and to find that solace taken away is saddening. But - have persistence - human biochemistry is a pretty resilient thing, and our brains are plastic - keep focusing on the positive things, try to forgive yourself for your past mistakes and be grateful and kind to yourself. I feel like recovering from Adderall is basically like reprogramming myself - I used to be able to take a pill and everything, even the hard or boring stuff, became easy and involving, but now I can't take a pill -and now everything seems hard or boring, but I still have to keep doing it, until it starts to become easy / interesting again. 

 

I just keep telling myself: This is where you are now. You can't go back to the way things were. You're going to have to work to get better - and this process is both completely necessary and potentially transformative. It's up to YOU - and right now that may seem hard - but persistence will carry you through! It really is about changing your thinking - especially with the way I feel like my mind has been damaged post-Adderall, a lot of things I thought used to come easy - making new friends, maintaining a positive outlook - are things I feel like I have to re-learn from scratch. It sucks, but - again - it's completely necessary.

 

Just my 0.02. I hope you're able to find the heart in your music again - I'm on the same path, you're not alone!