Day 5

[onolex]

I have these great enlargement pills....JK. It is now Day 5 on my second attempt to quit my love affair with psychostimulants. I actually started at the age of 24, approximately 10 years to the date. I guess that is what is filling my time these days. I am unemployed, having resigned my job last December and taking up an offer to go back to school from my parents. I struggled my 1st semester and decided to give Adderall another try. Did I get A's? Sure I did. However, the same nagging thoughts and problems soon resurfaced. Does Adderall help? Sometimes. However, instead of taking the drug like a normal human being I "enjoy" taking it another way. It is much more fun for me to pull all nighters. I like the binge. The fantasy of frozen time. My last round of monthly pills got gobbled up last week. Not like I can't relate to every single post on this site and now forum, but one post somewhere I could relate to most. I finished my pills because I just had this desire to get "it" over with. Take the last of the pills in an adrenaline imposed fury so I would be out and the nightmare would end. That is what it was at the end, a nightmare. I knew how destructive and dangerous it is popping those lovely pills. Chasing the buzz but at the same time I just wanted it to be over with. What do I have to show for those 10 years? Runaway spending, marriage, divorce, Bankruptcy. Living at home now and rebuilding my life. My biggest decision right now is to refill till the end of the semester then apply to my program, use that 9 months off of school again to work a part time job and then truly detox or to continue these five days and tough out this sememster taking what grades I can get? I don't know. Doesn't matter in a way because the quit is inevitable. I can't, my body can't do it anymore. It is cheating. The A's I get aren't worth it because deep down I know it is bullshit. I have let so many people down most importantly myself with this crap. And yes, the shrinko told me eventually I won't need it anymore because my mind will magically know how to concentrate. I could ramble on more but it will just be an affirmation of everything that has all ready been written on the site. It is all one big lie. This stuff should be outlawed I wish I would have never eaten the rotten apple. Actually went to the gym today and walked three miles. Anything to break up the constant napping and sitting around like a used piece of toilet paper. Sorry to be crude but anyone who has done this knows it. Anyway, love this site and the people on it. Good to know I am not alone.

[Mike]

Thanks for being the first poster, onolex! You've officially christened the forums!

You totally got me on that "I have these great enlargement pills" line. First I was like :evil:, then I was like .

I think beginning to hate Adderall is a huge first step in quitting. You spend so long loving it like it's the best, most important thing in the world. I remember thinking "Adderall is the only thing worth more than money". Then one day you stop liking it, and start resenting it, start wishing it away...that's where you seem to be. That's a seed of better times to come, of successfully quitting.

As for your decision: I don't totally recommend quitting in the middle of a semester, especially if you are taking a full load, but I also don't recommend getting in the habit of waiting for the "perfect time" to quit. Because there is never a perfect time to quit. It's going to be a mess whenever you do it, so might as well start soon so you can get on with the clean up.

That said, if you're going to stay on it for the semester, definitely get your dosage under control. Do what you can to take it in the human fashion without binges and all nighters. This can be as easy as setting a hard "last dose time" (don't let that be too much later than 3pm, or your not going to sleep). And above all, keep your doses consistent. At least you can add some sanity to this. And that routine will help you in the long run.

When the semester ends, don't quit school entirely for those 9 months. Stay enrolled in at least one class. You need something regular to start training your off-Adderall work ethic, plus it will keep you moving forward, which will help with your mood.

Also take weekends off the pills. Every little bit of sanity you can inject into your Adderall life will help you that much more prepare for life without Adderall.

And definitely keep up those gym visits.

Also, couple questions...

1. When you say "apply for my program", what do you mean? What program?

2. Don't take this the wrong way, but do you have any bipolar tendencies? I wonder this whenever somebody mentions runaway spending and Adderall. If you're bipolar, Adderall keeps you in the maniacally-optimistic "manic" phase all the time, which can result in things like over-spending.

Anyhow, good luck and thanks again for breaking the seal on the forums!

[onolex]

Hello again. When I say program I meant that I am applying to nursing programs. I already have a bachelor degree so I am simply taking the nursing pre-requisites. I will fulfill those this December. However, the programs I am applying for will not start until the following fall so basically it is not a self imposed 8-9 month break it is just how the cookie crumbles. I guess I kind of just hit the wall last week. Every new script I have gone in with the best intentions of controlling my medication but in the end I have no control over it. At some point it slips into the passenger seat and I am riding shotgun. I am not the type to go doctor shopping (thank God) I do have the self control to either keep this quit or wait until I can refill if that makes sense. I was fine the 1st week, but the 2nd and 3rd weeks hit and there is simply too much stuff to be working on (yeah right). So I keep working, one more half, well that didn't really give me a rush one more half, that was ok well I know what the problem is, take a whole other pill that will do the trick and on and on it goes. Maybe, someone can relate, I used to do a little but a little wouldn't do it so a little got more and more, I just keep trying to get a little better said a little better than before (GnR). There was only one period where I have ever gone runaway spending. It was when credit was "free" a couple of years ago. It was also when I graduated from generic methyphenidate to Adderall XR. It was also my first real job with steady paycheck. So manic depressive? It is possible but after the entire I am ADHD charade with psychiatrists unless there is some sort of quantitative test for it I wouldn't know how to say for sure if I was or not.

[Lilah]

Congratulations on making it to day 5 Just getting one week down at first is so so hard, I know.

The gym and walking is a great step. I know I might sound like a broken record with the "eat right and exercise" sometimes, but as far as I know its the only thing that can truly make a dramatic difference in a short period of time.

I second pretty much everything Mike said. Try stepping down your dosage dramatically before quitting altogether. Its like having a parachute to help guide you down the ground, otherwise you're just jumping off the plane and hoping for the best. Dedicate a few days a week that make sense for you to have "Adderall free", commit to not going over a certain dosage on any day and stick to it.

Best of luck and welcome!

[liltexan79]

Best of luck!

[sleepyT]

Finally, a site where I can feel not so alone with this ADDERALL addiction. I appreciate everyone sharing and I hope you know that you're helping others. Yes, even in your misery, you are a making a difference. I have not yet quit. I run out of my perscription about 10 days in to it and then I supplement with narcotics, shopping, and now lottery tickets. I am not sure what I am to be called - MULTIPLE ADDICT. I used to be on Adderall and then my psychiatrist changed it to Vyvanse. A bit different, but same outcome. Love the drug. What can I say it makes me feel like the "best me". Of course, that does not last long and pretty soon I am just chasing the "best me" and spending hours and hours enjoying what I am doing and thinking I am going to change the world with an article or a painting, but they never get done. I have no idea what I do for hours, but more than not, I have nothing to show for it. This drug is kicking my butt and I don't want to stop. That's the problem. But, I have to. Thankfully, I have not yet completely ruined my life - I have, however, turned in to a person I do not like or respect and I am ashamed, scared, and alone with this. I can't tell my husband as I have already been through rehab once and I am afraid he will leave me if I come clean. I don't know what to do. But, I do know what to do. I just don't want to do it. So glad, I now have a place to come to hear other people's stories. It really helps. Thanks. Good Luck to you ALL!

[Mike]

@sleepyT

A boyfriend might break up with you. A husband should be different. Your husband is going to find out sooner or later anyway (or at least he's going to notice the behavior change and start theorizing about what's up with you). Better not to keep him in the dark. Give him the chance to help you. Even if you do all the work yourself and don't put any weight on him, tell him what you're doing so he can appreciate how much of it you're doing yourself.

Just my 2cents.

You might also want to quit the other coping mechanisms first, or vice-versa. Quit the most damaging thing first, and keep the other vices, then quit the next most damaging thing, etc. For you it sounds like maybe you should quit the narcotics first, then the Adderall, then the other stuff. Kill one addiction at a time.

Then get back to writing those articles and painting those paintings. Let me know when you've done something and I'll give you a place to post it. :-)

[jessiem]

Wow! Your situation with the way you were taking adderall is exactly the way my experience has been over the past year or so. I can truely relate with the way you just wanted to "get it over with". I am now on day 5 myself and can feel the depression beginning to slowly emerge. But, last night as read through your post, I found some comic relief from your "used up piece of toiletpaper" comment. That is exactly how I feel during withdrawl and I couldn't help but laugh as I thought about your comment last night. So, thank you, laughter truely is a beacon of light during this dark period of my life.

How is your experience going? Your post is a few months old and I am curious as to what the first few months were like for you?

[onolex]

Ha ha. Glad I could offer you a laugh. Things are going very well thank you very much.

You are in for some difficult times but it is not the end of the world. Even a new tree begins with a dark hole in the ground. Adderall is a wild ride but when that script runs out you have travelled absolutely no where and never will. There will come a time when you truly realize this. You will realize that you don't need it anymore. You won't even want it anymore. It is just holding you back from who you really are and who you are meant to be. I would like to avoid cliche as much as possible. Just be cool and if you relapse so be it. It is a process. You will be back here. Your mind is all ready made up. Just keep fighting and you will reach the finish line I promise you.

Glad I can finally write about all this - the anger. Smiling more, making people laugh a hell of a lot. God Bless America.

[Courtney]

Yah you are funny especially because I can relate with you in so many ways...Only one who has experienced the "adderall world" as mIke puts it, can understand exactly and catch your humor spot on!

I have just found this site...

Its so incredible to finally hear real honest up to date live emotion of others going thru it...

I have felt so alone lost in my frazzled world...living in paradise... experiencing that "mourning" that mike talks about..I am literally mourning the beloved blue pill. orange if i got lucky.

for me its been almost five months without..and i'm still grabbing a hold of any ritalin I can get my paws on in the tropics.

They seem not to be so found of the drug in Asia.

But California loved it!

The only thing stopping me is that Im in a country right now that I cant get adderol and my stock has run out...ouch..i think(i feel) deep inside I know its my best blessing.

Its givng me the time and space to see how fucked up my life got on adderall. It really did. so many mistakes. so many ways. humility.

I bit the apple and with deep regrets i wish i never did.

I can only move forward grabbing on to any help i can get in hopes i wont turn back!