onolex

Ha ha. Glad I could offer you a laugh. Things are going very well thank you very much. You are in for some difficult times but it is not the end of the world. Even a new tree begins with a dark hole in the ground. Adderall is a wild ride but when that script runs out you have travelled absolutely no where and never will. There will come a time when you truly realize this. You will realize that you don't need it anymore. You won't even want it anymore. It is just holding you back from who you really are and who you are meant to be. I would like to avoid cliche as much as possible. Just be cool and if you relapse so be it. It is a process. You will be back here. Your mind is all ready made up. Just keep fighting and you will reach the finish line I promise you. Glad I can finally write about all this - the anger. Smiling more, making people laugh a hell of a lot. God Bless America.

Well last week my quitting adderall song was "Mr. Brownstone" by Guns and Roses This week it is "Sin" by Nine Inch Nails. It is probably about a bad relationship but I started thinking about the lyrics and how they could apply to my hatred for Adderall. You give me the reason You give me control I gave you my purity My purity you stole P.S. Personally the biggest challenge and key to my recovery is staying active. So this is what is on my I-pod when lifting weights or doing cardio.

Hello again. When I say program I meant that I am applying to nursing programs. I already have a bachelor degree so I am simply taking the nursing pre-requisites. I will fulfill those this December. However, the programs I am applying for will not start until the following fall so basically it is not a self imposed 8-9 month break it is just how the cookie crumbles. I guess I kind of just hit the wall last week. Every new script I have gone in with the best intentions of controlling my medication but in the end I have no control over it. At some point it slips into the passenger seat and I am riding shotgun. I am not the type to go doctor shopping (thank God) I do have the self control to either keep this quit or wait until I can refill if that makes sense. I was fine the 1st week, but the 2nd and 3rd weeks hit and there is simply too much stuff to be working on (yeah right). So I keep working, one more half, well that didn't really give me a rush one more half, that was ok well I know what the problem is, take a whole other pill that will do the trick and on and on it goes. Maybe, someone can relate, I used to do a little but a little wouldn't do it so a little got more and more, I just keep trying to get a little better said a little better than before (GnR). There was only one period where I have ever gone runaway spending. It was when credit was "free" a couple of years ago. It was also when I graduated from generic methyphenidate to Adderall XR. It was also my first real job with steady paycheck. So manic depressive? It is possible but after the entire I am ADHD charade with psychiatrists unless there is some sort of quantitative test for it I wouldn't know how to say for sure if I was or not.

I have these great enlargement pills....JK. It is now Day 5 on my second attempt to quit my love affair with psychostimulants. I actually started at the age of 24, approximately 10 years to the date. I guess that is what is filling my time these days. I am unemployed, having resigned my job last December and taking up an offer to go back to school from my parents. I struggled my 1st semester and decided to give Adderall another try. Did I get A's? Sure I did. However, the same nagging thoughts and problems soon resurfaced. Does Adderall help? Sometimes. However, instead of taking the drug like a normal human being I "enjoy" taking it another way. It is much more fun for me to pull all nighters. I like the binge. The fantasy of frozen time. My last round of monthly pills got gobbled up last week. Not like I can't relate to every single post on this site and now forum, but one post somewhere I could relate to most. I finished my pills because I just had this desire to get "it" over with. Take the last of the pills in an adrenaline imposed fury so I would be out and the nightmare would end. That is what it was at the end, a nightmare. I knew how destructive and dangerous it is popping those lovely pills. Chasing the buzz but at the same time I just wanted it to be over with. What do I have to show for those 10 years? Runaway spending, marriage, divorce, Bankruptcy. Living at home now and rebuilding my life. My biggest decision right now is to refill till the end of the semester then apply to my program, use that 9 months off of school again to work a part time job and then truly detox or to continue these five days and tough out this sememster taking what grades I can get? I don't know. Doesn't matter in a way because the quit is inevitable. I can't, my body can't do it anymore. It is cheating. The A's I get aren't worth it because deep down I know it is bullshit. I have let so many people down most importantly myself with this crap. And yes, the shrinko told me eventually I won't need it anymore because my mind will magically know how to concentrate. I could ramble on more but it will just be an affirmation of everything that has all ready been written on the site. It is all one big lie. This stuff should be outlawed I wish I would have never eaten the rotten apple. Actually went to the gym today and walked three miles. Anything to break up the constant napping and sitting around like a used piece of toilet paper. Sorry to be crude but anyone who has done this knows it. Anyway, love this site and the people on it. Good to know I am not alone.