Losing my resolve

[Evie25]

It's been roughly six months since I quit adderall (wasn't the first time I quit). Still, after all this time, I find myself missing the addy and thinking about it, almost daily. I was prescribed 30 mg, but was taking over 80 mg a day. Eventually, the same thing happened that has always happened when I've taken it over a long period of time. I became incredibly irritable, didn't sleep, obsessed endlessly over minor things and lost my sense of humor.

 

Right now, I will say that my interpersonal relationships have improved greatly. However, I'm extremely unmotivated at work. Things are slow now, but I find myself getting little done, and then beating myself up for my lack of productivity. 

 

I know everyone else likes me better off the adderall (have heard from numerous people). However, I can't say I like myself better. Getting things done and being productive determines my self worth, and it's hard to like myself when I'm disinterested in the mundane tasks that are needed to be completed at work.

 

Should I be concerned that after this amount of time, I'm still missing the adderall, dreaming about it, and wishing I had just a few to get me through the work day?

 

 

[quit-once]

Yes, I believe you should be very concerned about your desire to relapse six months after quitting.  Missing the Adderall and thinking about it obsessively is normal.  Having fantasies about taking just a few pills to get you through the day is very dangerous.  If you want to stay quit, you must not allow those thoughts to take hold.  It took about a year before the obsessive thoughts subsided for me.  But my obsessive thoughts just hardened my resolve to never use it again, because (by the time I quit) Adderall failed to do anything positive for my life and the side affects were horrible.  It simply stopped working and worked against me in every way.

 

I have one big question for you.  If you think you liked yourself better on Adderall, why have you tried to quit multiple times? 

[LILTEX41]

It took me a year before I stopped wanting it so much as well.  The addictive desire for it will weaken the longer you are off of it. If you take it again, the addictive desire will only be reinforced and grow stronger.

 

Also, how about reframing your belief that your self worth is determined by being productive and getting things done?  What about opening up your frame of reference in regards to how you define your self worth?  I was actually so intrigued by this statement I went digging around on the internet to see what I could find and I ended up finding some great stuff for myself, lol.

 

The main points I took away from everything I found is that basically chasing after our self worth in accomplishments and external crap is really not much of a solid way to deepen and establish that genuine feeling of utter acceptance and love for ourselves.  It's all very fleeting as we are going to end up succeeding and failing many times in our lives and that is just part of being human.  

 

I really liked this little blog I found.

 

 

What is your most valuable asset?

You have something of great worth and it is so rare that it’s not shared by anyone else on the planet. Do you know what that is? You are a one of a kind, totally unique individual. You are you, and that alone gives you personal value and self-worth.

Take some time to appreciate who you really are, aside from all the trappings and outside opinions. Make a list of things you like about yourself and then read it out loud so it can resonate in your consciousness. Think about all the ways you have contributed to the lives of those around you. Now, give yourself some well deserved approval. It’s time to celebrate you!

 

Ok, so yeah, maybe that is pretty cheesy, but it's true!  We are all unique individuals and everyone has something that is absolutely authentic and special to them.  Take the time to appreciate all that is awesome about yourself and keep working to be the best you that you can be. 

 

Also, this is a good article.  http://www.psychalive.org/self-worth/

 

Check out this part of this article.  I think this is spot on when it comes to the our adderall addiction. 

Furthermore, studies now show that basing one’s self-worth on external factors is actually harmful to one’s mental health. One study at the University of Michigan found that college students who base their self-worth on external sources (including academic performance, appearance and approval from others) reported more stress, anger, academic problems and relationship conflicts. They also had higher levels of alcohol and drug use, as well as more symptoms of eating disorders. The same study found that students who based their self-worth on internal sources, not only felt better, they also received higher grades and were less likely to use drugs and alcohol or to develop eating disorders.

 

I'm really glad you brought this up.  Reading a bunch of stuff on this topic has really helped me tonight and given me some clarity as far as developing my goals for the new year.  

 

Anyhow, please don't worry too much about your urges and cravings as these are all totally normal.  They will dissipate the longer you are clean.  Keep focusing on all of the benefits you have enjoyed from being off this drug and remember how good it feels to be living your life again on your own accord without the use/abuse of stimulants.  Try and define your self worth in a broader array of terms in things that are more based on your character, integrity, generosity to others, and being a person of substance etc., rather than all the external crap our competitive society brainwashes us to believe.  I think you'll feel better.    I know I do so thank you for reaching out!  

<3 LT

[Cassie]

The loss of productivity and work ethic were brutal for me as well. I did the bare minimum at work for the first year. It took several years for my work ethic and motivation to completely bounce back, but now it's better than ever. You have to give it time - rebuilding habits are slow and painstaking. You can't force motivation, you just have to trust that if you had it before drugs, you will have it again someday. No one enjoys mundane tasks, but eventually they will become bearable as you relearn to detach emotion from them. If you persevere, you'll be so proud of yourself and relieved in a couple years.

[Evie25]

Yes, I believe you should be very concerned about your desire to relapse six months after quitting.  Missing the Adderall and thinking about it obsessively is normal.  Having fantasies about taking just a few pills to get you through the day is very dangerous.  If you want to stay quit, you must not allow those thoughts to take hold.  It took about a year before the obsessive thoughts subsided for me.  But my obsessive thoughts just hardened my resolve to never use it again, because (by the time I quit) Adderall failed to do anything positive for my life and the side affects were horrible.  It simply stopped working and worked against me in every way.

 

I have one big question for you.  If you think you liked yourself better on Adderall, why have you tried to quit multiple times? 

 

Good question. I guess I'm confused. I liked the way I worked better on Adderall, which made me more confident (even though maybe it was a false confidence). However, I disliked my personality in that I was so humorless and ill tempered. Eventually, I came to the conclusion that getting more done at work was not worth losing friends or relationships over. 

 

Maybe I should keep reminding myself of that. 

[Evie25]

The loss of productivity and work ethic were brutal for me as well. I did the bare minimum at work for the first year. It took several years for my work ethic and motivation to completely bounce back, but now it's better than ever. You have to give it time - rebuilding habits are slow and painstaking. You can't force motivation, you just have to trust that if you had it before drugs, you will have it again someday. No one enjoys mundane tasks, but eventually they will become bearable as you relearn to detach emotion from them. If you persevere, you'll be so proud of yourself and relieved in a couple years.

Thanks, it helped hearing that you did the bare minimum at work for the first year. I am getting impatient, but have to keep reminding myself that it takes time.

 

"No one enjoys mundane tasks, but eventually they will become bearable as you relearn to detach emotion from them"  

 

Found this statement very helpful, because right now I become very emotional and self-critical about completing tasks, but if I learn to become more detached about doing them, I think they will become more bearable. 

[Evie25]

It took me a year before I stopped wanting it so much as well.  The addictive desire for it will weaken the longer you are off of it. If you take it again, the addictive desire will only be reinforced and grow stronger.

 

Also, how about reframing your belief that your self worth is determined by being productive and getting things done?  What about opening up your frame of reference in regards to how you define your self worth?  I was actually so intrigued by this statement I went digging around on the internet to see what I could find and I ended up finding some great stuff for myself, lol.

 

The main points I took away from everything I found is that basically chasing after our self worth in accomplishments and external crap is really not much of a solid way to deepen and establish that genuine feeling of utter acceptance and love for ourselves.  It's all very fleeting as we are going to end up succeeding and failing many times in our lives and that is just part of being human.  

 

I really liked this little blog I found.

 

 

What is your most valuable asset?

You have something of great worth and it is so rare that it’s not shared by anyone else on the planet. Do you know what that is? You are a one of a kind, totally unique individual. You are you, and that alone gives you personal value and self-worth.

Take some time to appreciate who you really are, aside from all the trappings and outside opinions. Make a list of things you like about yourself and then read it out loud so it can resonate in your consciousness. Think about all the ways you have contributed to the lives of those around you. Now, give yourself some well deserved approval. It’s time to celebrate you!

 

Ok, so yeah, maybe that is pretty cheesy, but it's true!  We are all unique individuals and everyone has something that is absolutely authentic and special to them.  Take the time to appreciate all that is awesome about yourself and keep working to be the best you that you can be. 

 

Also, this is a good article.  http://www.psychalive.org/self-worth/

 

Check out this part of this article.  I think this is spot on when it comes to the our adderall addiction. 

Furthermore, studies now show that basing one’s self-worth on external factors is actually harmful to one’s mental health. One study at the University of Michigan found that college students who base their self-worth on external sources (including academic performance, appearance and approval from others) reported more stress, anger, academic problems and relationship conflicts. They also had higher levels of alcohol and drug use, as well as more symptoms of eating disorders. The same study found that students who based their self-worth on internal sources, not only felt better, they also received higher grades and were less likely to use drugs and alcohol or to develop eating disorders.

 

I'm really glad you brought this up.  Reading a bunch of stuff on this topic has really helped me tonight and given me some clarity as far as developing my goals for the new year.  

 

Anyhow, please don't worry too much about your urges and cravings as these are all totally normal.  They will dissipate the longer you are clean.  Keep focusing on all of the benefits you have enjoyed from being off this drug and remember how good it feels to be living your life again on your own accord without the use/abuse of stimulants.  Try and define your self worth in a broader array of terms in things that are more based on your character, integrity, generosity to others, and being a person of substance etc., rather than all the external crap our competitive society brainwashes us to believe.  I think you'll feel better.    I know I do so thank you for reaching out!  

<3 LT

 

Thank you for this very helpful response! 

 

"Also, how about reframing your belief that your self worth is determined by being productive and getting things done?  What about opening up your frame of reference in regards to how you define your self worth?"

 

I found your above statement very interesting, because for most of my life, I've put so much emphasis on how hard I work and being disciplined that if I'm not working hard, I start to think very lowly of myself. I don't think I've ever considered that there are alternative ways to define my self-worth then my accomplishments. 

 

I'm reading a bit more on this including the links you provided and will have to think over this a bit and reexamine my thought process. 

[idonttan]

I'm finding myself in your exact situation/state of mind right now. I've officially hit yet another breaking point. It's winter here on the east coast, and cold though not as cold as usual for January, and I have officially entered the hibernation mode of where I am ALWAYS so damn tired and feel so unmotivated to do things. I miss this stuff so much and those bursts of crazy energy and focus that all I want to do is call up my old doctor and ask for a prescription. It also doesn't help that my Adderall use was so tied in with my own insecurities about my body and weight, and that I'm gaining weight and missing my old slim figure. The other day, I saw an advertisement for binge eating disorder, and the prescribed cure for it was vyanse, the cousin to Adderall.. What is wrong with this world?

Anyway I just had to rant. It's comforting to see others on this forum going through the exact same thing as me.

[Evie25]

I'm finding myself in your exact situation/state of mind right now. I've officially hit yet another breaking point. It's winter here on the east coast, and cold though not as cold as usual for January, and I have officially entered the hibernation mode of where I am ALWAYS so damn tired and feel so unmotivated to do things. I miss this stuff so much and those bursts of crazy energy and focus that all I want to do is call up my old doctor and ask for a prescription. It also doesn't help that my Adderall use was so tied in with my own insecurities about my body and weight, and that I'm gaining weight and missing my old slim figure. The other day, I saw an advertisement for binge eating disorder, and the prescribed cure for it was vyanse, the cousin to Adderall.. What is wrong with this world?

Anyway I just had to rant. It's comforting to see others on this forum going through the exact same thing as me.

 

Gosh, I could have written what you just wrote, it's so similar to how I feel. I'm in the Midwest, but it's also bitter cold and gloomy. I feel so tired, jaded and unmotivated to do things that don't catch my interest (and very little catches my interest these days). I miss the crazy bursts of energy and focus badly. But, I also remember the comedowns and how paranoid and uncomfortable in my own skin I became. And how difficult it was to have a sense of humor and be lighthearted. The negative aspect of the adderall was so ugly. I also am very weight conscious and think part of the reason I liked taking it so much was that it was effortless to be thin. 

 

I will say, as time progresses, it does get easier. But I think it'll be a while longer before I stop wishing I had addy everytime I feel slow or stupid and incapable of being productive. 

 

Thanks for sharing. It helps knowing others are in the same boat. 

[AlwaysAwesome]

This is why it is so important to cut off all sources of Adderall!  I just posted about finding some phentermine in a drawer at home and being seriously tempted.  18 months clean and I was formulating how I could take those six little blue spotted pills to jump start my weight loss, maybe clean the house...   I had a random drug screen the following Monday.  How would that have been?  I could have lost my job over it.  Let it go and don't go back.  it is a devil drug. 

[Evie25]

I just relapsed again. I was off it for six months and I thought things would get better as far as my personal life. However, I still had problems with my boyfriend and family and since my relationships didn't improve off it, I lost my resolve. I thought once I returned to my more laid back, humorous self, at least that part of my life would improve. Continued to feel slow and stupid at work and was extremely bored with life. Nothing interested me. 

 

So, I figured what would a few days on it hurt? I would get a lot done at work and things were already doomed with my boyfriend, so I wouldn't be destroying that. 

 

It's day 3 and I've already taken 80 mg today. I think I will flush them. I feel so disappointed in myself and exhausted.

[bluemoon]

I'm sorry this happened. But it's not too late to get back on track. You know the right thing to do. Flush those pills and never look back!!! 

[jloyd800]

Evie, I am only 4 days clean and coming off of it is one of the hardest decisions I've ever made. I don't know if I have anything to help you other than to do exactly what bluemoon said and flush that stuff and don't look back. I've still got a bottle of Adderall and Ritalin. Think I will do just what blue moon said myself. I hope you can come off again. 

 

I didn't realize how difficult it would be until the very first day I went without it and it was a true nightmare. The days are getting a little better but I know I have a long way to go. We all have to find that strength within ourselves to get past the pill and what we thought it did for us. I had no idea how much I was dependent on it until my first day at work. It was very hard. I need to find my self worth again too!

 

Hang in there!

Janie

[LILTEX41]

Evie,

 

It's just a flat tire. Dump the pills, fix your flat, and get back on the road!!  You still have 6 months!  One slip does not take all that hard earned recovery away.  If you get off now it will be all that much easier to keep going.  If you keep taking them it's only going to make it that much harder to quit.

 

Come on girl!  You got this!

[EstherEmily]

I'm almost three months clean, and I, too, find myself daydreaming about it, especially at work. I remember just the good about Adderall, not the bad. I try and just close my eyes and remember all those horrible comedowns. I definitely don't miss the nights of insomnia, not being able to sleep and praying I wasn't going to die of a heart attack. Hang in there!

[Evie25]

Evie,

It's just a flat tire. Dump the pills, fix your flat, and get back on the road!! You still have 6 months! One slip does not take all that hard earned recovery away. If you get off now it will be all that much easier to keep going. If you keep taking them it's only going to make it that much harder to quit.

Come on girl! You got this!

Thank you - this perspective helps so much. It's a slip up, doesn't undo all if he work I put into quitting. I just got rid of them an hour ago. It was 3 days I was on them. I'll learn from it and move on. So scary how I seem to succumb to the addiction once it's in my possession and keep thinking about it nonstop and then taking massive amounts. And it didn't even make me feel good about focusing .. Felt like it was a mask soothing my insecurities about my intelligence level.

[Evie25]

Evie, I am only 4 days clean and coming off of it is one of the hardest decisions I've ever made. I don't know if I have anything to help you other than to do exactly what bluemoon said and flush that stuff and don't look back. I've still got a bottle of Adderall and Ritalin. Think I will do just what blue moon said myself. I hope you can come off again.

I didn't realize how difficult it would be until the very first day I went without it and it was a true nightmare. The days are getting a little better but I know I have a long way to go. We all have to find that strength within ourselves to get past the pill and what we thought it did for us. I had no idea how much I was dependent on it until my first day at work. It was very hard. I need to find my self worth again too!

Hang in there!

Janie

[Evie25]

Janie,

I feel for you. The first couple of weeks are the WORST. I don't know how you have a bottle of Ritalin and adderall without taking it. You must have more willpower - That would be impossible for me.

Things do get easier, but I still have major insecurities - I think the Adderall made me feal smarter at work.

How did you feel on the first day of work after quitting Adderall? I felt like I had this special power that was taken away from me- Felt very self-critical and vulnerable

[LILTEX41]

FANTASTIC!!!   Just look at this experience as a stepping stone bringing you closer and closer to your FULL RECOVERY.

 

Learn from this experience that it was just another seed deposited on the inside showing you how this drug is not bringing you any of the joy, peace, and fulfillment in your life.  It was an artificial crutch/high that was not aligning you within your spirit of where you want to be in life.  I notice that when I am on the right track, doing the right things each day that resonate as good and healthy within me, that I have this sense of well being.  I know that I am where I am supposed to be and I live with this weird sense of genuine purpose that I could not find when I was taking that pill.  I felt so out of whack emotionally.  It was like my body was a robot of going through the motions, tasks, and processes of life, but my heart was somewhere else. 

 

I sense you just got back to a place of victory after getting rid of those pills and that my friend is a treasure and joy you can dwell on and feel good about in your heart.  Just dwell on this success today because it is miraculous and exciting!