I know I should just can't commit to quitting

[Kim1717]

Hi all you brave souls,

I'm not new to this website, I found it a great resource when I gave up Adderall about a year ago.. I was successful at staying off of it for 3months or so but went back on once I landed a job with brutally long hours. For me, it was the right decision at the time as the job is just so fast paced (PR agency) and I learned a few coworkers also take it to stay on top of everything. It was a choice I made and I see why I did but I regret getting sucked in to the mentality that this was my little helper as it's more like a little manipulator, more than anything.

Anyways, I think I always knew this would be a problem. The two weeks to reset tolerance, my doctor sometimes recommended always seemed like a ridiculous suggestion. That red flag worried me but wasn't enough to make me stop. I don't have a necessarily addictive personality although I did go through a few bouts of eating disordered behavior in college. Looking back, I see it was an issue with feeling in control since I felt shame from my earlier years and my wild child behavior. I wanted to be a perfect lil person.. Which is why I fell in love with adderall. But as we all know, it's a love hate relationship. Soon, it starts to just take over your life and consume your thoughts. And before you know it, you forget what it feels like to feel normal/natural.. But at this point you don't really care. It's not until you get a feeling of being so washed up, so sick of yourself, so unhappy that you start questioning the very prescription bottle that you thought would solve everything. I've been down this road so many times with myself. Nights where I can't sleep because I took one too late in the afternoon trying to rush on a deadline, nights where my I fight with my boyfriend or am just going through the motions without really being there, productive days that whizz by but with no meaning. It feels like your on a one track path to miserably-productive-town but changing your destination seems so hard. Any of the beauty in life that once made it all worthwhile.., you can no longer see. It's ALL work and NEVER being able to let go to "play". It's very isolating too.. Those who know I'm on this don't really understand.. Nor do I want them too because I know how worried they would be if they knew my heart feels like it's racing so hard it might stop or why I constantly feel so hot yet I'm in an air conditioned room. So I always pretend "everything's fine.. Great, in fact! No need to worry about me! I'm just busy,busy,busy!" But inside I wonder "what the hell is wrong with me?" And I worry all night until the sun comes up.

So here I am. 4 days without being on it and feeling like a mess!! And the truth is I'm only on break because my doctors appointment is this week and I'm out. BUT the most wonderful thing has happened in the four days, I remembered what it felt like to be proud of me. I remembered how life was before Adderall because every hour of every day I feel like the old me is thawing out. So I told myself that this is my experiment. I may not be able to swear that this day going forward I'll never go back on Adderall but what I can do is say I'm going to take this one day at a time and I'm going to record and relish when something happens that makes me feel so happy to be off Adderall. For example, I dragged my butt to the gym today. Mind you, I went to the gym everyday while on Adderall but there is something so different about finishing a workout on your own accord. Maybe it was the endorphins, maybe it was my self worth getting stronger but whatever it was, it felt good! I walked out proud as a peacock and went to the supermarket to refuel. So don't mind me while I post about the small daily victories and feel good moments. I'm happy to read ya'll posts too as I know even if our stories differ we're all in this together!

[bluemoon]

Isn't it wild how no matter how many stories you read, you can always seem to find a piece of yourself in every story? 

 

I hope you don't fill your script at your doctor's appointment this week. I hope you find the strong woman inside of you and tell your doctor you no longer want it prescribed to you, ever again, rather than filling that script.

 

It sucks that your job is so hectic and busy that it makes you feel like you have to turn to Adderall to stay on top of things. But the truth is that you don't need it, and none of us do!! We were fine before Adderall and we will be fine again without it. I hate this drug and what it does to people.

 

You can do this!

[LILTEX41]

Congratulations on day 4!!!  Imagine the strength you might find in yourself if you stay off adderall and get to watch your co-workers behavior as they continue to take it.  Imagine being on the other side of this and maybe even imagine one day one of them being inspired by you to quit.    

 

I really hope you will stick with us and share your journey.  Life doesn't have to be so intense anymore and you discovered that at the gym today!  That's amazing you were already there day 4!  

 

You can do this!!

[Kim1717]

Thanks guys! Day 5! So far so good! I'm really trying to keep an open and positive mind. Every day becomes a little bit better. It's shocking how much this drug interferes with and it's not until you're off of it for a few days that you see how potent and toxic this stuff really is. Sure, the stuff works and yes it does help some people develop skills to manage their responsibilities when all other tricks have been exhausted, but at a very very heavy price. I often thought when I walked out of the doctor's office with script in hand, "so how does this all end? rehab, a mental institution, or some other way?" With the doctor, we never talked about an exit strategy or how/when I should prepare to be weaned off. And to be honest, I would of freaked out if my doctor brought up the idea that one day I would have to  go without because I felt like that character in the hobbit with the ring, the prescription was my hidden gem that I could not fathom parting away from. Hell, I even looked up switching doctors when I thought my dose was too low. But now that I can see clearly, I find it a little bizarre that no one talks about the other side to the equation. Now that it's my decision to get off of this stuff, I just find it weird that it's assumed that you're on this for presumably life, until your health insurance runs out and you can't pay the doctor for your regulated vice, or until you've had enough. With no line drawn in the sand, when is it ever enough?

 

With headlines pointing out the obvious drug problem in this country and the growing number of overdoses increasing each year, I think the system is definitely broken. I think that part of the problem is drugs are treated like the long term solution to a wide range of problems. Just as a typical antibiotic is prescribed for a definite duration like a week on the Z-pak for an infection, I think these potently additive drugs should be used as a short term jump start for people so that they can learn the skills necessary to function and contribute to society when it seems nearly impossible to do so on their own. I think after those skills and behaviors are learned or enough time has lapsed where the person should have learned how to deal, the drug should be weaned off like training wheels as dependency is the only other outcome. I feel like so many people know how to manipulate the system in getting prescribed Adderall but in the end the drug ends up manipulating their life. I fell into that group as I ran to my prescribing doctors office every chance to get my monthly fix. I said whatever I needed to say to make him believe that I was truly a better person while on this medicine. Not once did I think to myself, "I only have this for this amount of time, so lets take it carefully and utilize it effectively so I can continue on same positive path once I get off." It was more like "how can I get my hands on more" and figuring out what pharmacy would give me my new prescription a few days early without batting an eyelash. All the regulations and rules made obtaining Adderall from my doctor like an exhausting game but like anything taboo, the want became even more.  I don't know one person on Adderall that isn't hooked on it on some level. And that's why I think one of the most noble but difficult things to do is recognize this and make the decision to quit. Because from the moment you feel that euphoric feeling, the drug has you under its spell.

 

Anyways enough of my tangents lol. I cleaned my apartment yesterday! Big steps, felt so proud of my myself   I didn't sleep the greatest though but I think that kind of shows me that I have some work to do on myself. I need to learn how to calm down and wind down- something I use to always blame on Adderall but maybe I have some things I just need to work on that aren't simply a matter of being on or off thismedication. But I'm finding my own way and feeling so proud that I'm doing it on my own and it's not drug induced.

[Kim1717]

I think the hardest part for me will be in the middle of work when a wave of exhaustion hits that no amount of coffee can combat. I literally want to close my eyes and take a nap. I am starting to look for another job. Since my coworkers are on this stuff and take an ungodly amount, I feel it's a sign that this place is just too much. I think one way I'm going to be able to mentally stay in the game without resorting to going back is realizing that not everyone is on this stuff. There are plenty of people who are able to get through their day and do it all.. without being on anything synthetic. I use to not understand how anyone was able to be very productive when not on something but now I know they know no other way and now my best bet now is to try to imitate them. It is possible no matter how much I want to complain about the struggle and injustice of being expected to do it all. After all, some people have that drive that comes from a natural place and hopefully with due time I can find that drive within me too. Once this awful tired feeling goes away. "Fake it till you make it," right? Lastly, I want to remember that despite my rational that I was mentally solid and strong while taking Adderall, I now see that it actually was weakening my real mental strength. What's the point in doing the heavy lifting if the aide is doing all the work? I feel more mentally exhausted, checked out, frustrated then I ever was before I touched this stuff. I feel like my last two years of use have weakened my nerve and now I'm left to build it back up. The highlight though is I'm able to look myself in the mirror, I'm able to meet other people's eyes when their talking to me, and I'm able to live in the moment without a zillion thoughts of future tasks subconsciously running through my mind driving me slightly batty. So in the moments that I feel like giving up or complaining about how hard this is, I'm going to redirect my train of thought to remember that it's 99% mental. And that I feel happy (albeit tired) just being me! I think that far outweighs anything Adderall was ever able to do for me. 

[1789]

I am back a year later after quitting for a month. I am so scared to quit because I feel liked I can't handle my responsibilities without it. What an insidious trap this shit is! Damn it. I feel so damn dependent on it when it is literally killing me. I have had three heart surgeries that are directly due to four years of adderall. I have four kids, a stressful career and a wife who on a bad day I am not sure I want to stay married to. However, she does not know I have an adderall problem and just thinks I have turned into asshole over the last four years. Sometimes with my heart issues I do think I am trying to kill myself. I seem unable to handle life without some sort of pill. The thought of going back to AA just depresses me. I can't see a way out of this addiction at the current time... I feel like I would come apart at the seams even though for all practical purposes I am coming apart at the seams. Jesus I feel just hopeless.

[quit-once]

1789, does your heart doctor know you use adderall?

[AlwaysAwesome]

When you escape the hold that this drug has on you, there is a peace that can not be measured.  Please, don't give up on quitting.  If now is not the right time, then plan a time to make the change.  Give yourself the time to be a lazy slug, eat junk food, and just heal your mind and body.  Don't think that this has to be forever.  It can't be like this forever.  It is too unhealthy and utterly traumatic to your body and mind.  I don't miss seeing things that aren't there...  Good luck and stay close to this site.  We are all here for you when you decide to give it a go again.