Pill have destroyed my marriage/family

[diehard_dodger_fan]

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[AlwaysAwesome]

I am so sorry that you are going through this.  I think if I were in your situation, then I would let the doctors know that she has a problem.  Just me, but she is a mess and needs a push.  Get her off of the drugs and support her through a cold turkey quit.  I don't know how it would go, but it can't get much worse at this point until she kills herself with all those pills.  Most of all, you have to protect your kids.  I don't know that I would admit that I was the one who told the doc...

 

She has to quit for herself, and she has to want to succeed.  Maybe talk to her when she isn't jacked up on pills.  I think a little video of the kids telling her how much they miss her, or how much they want her back, might get through.  All you need is for her to see how bad it is.  She won't see it while she is taking all those pills.  My kids are so much happier now.  They notice that I am not a mean, grumpy mommy anymore.  I still fuss at them when necessary, but I am not a volatile screamer like I was on Adderall. Sad memories never go away, but we can lessen the impact by changing bad behaviors and moving forward in a positive way.   

 

Good luck and let us know how it goes. 

[diehard_dodger_fan]

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[dadof3finallyfree]

Im very sorry your going thru this, sounds alot like my story with my wife.  In my experience (which is not alot) I think if someone is willing to toe the line and break up a family, they are no where near wanting to quit or in the right frame of mind to picture recovery...but Ive only been thru this once (was enough)  and have never taken pills so Im no expert. Take care of yourself first, thats the best info I got from all these helpful people. And you cant make her quit...its up to ONLY her.  Distance and my ability to just walk away was what smacked reality into my ex wife...Hope thats not the same for you.

I learned on here that its worth leaning on the side that its not her making a good decision and more the pills influence and her being scared then not loving you.  You might as well hope for the best.  My wife threatened divorce so that I would shut up and she could stay on her "medication".  Thats what she calls it but her and I know all too well she was just a party girl that got caught up in the addiction.  You dont go to 22 doctors and dentist and 13 diff pharmacies for "medication".  Her list of pills was pretty extensive and I had no idea.  Her tactics and games and toying with our marriage failed her and everything backfired on her but the depths she went to to stay on Adderall were horrible.  I know she loves me too she tells me every week just about but the pills had too much of a hold.

She took all sorts of pills as well (opiates and speed) as I found out all behind my back but I think the one that ruined us was Adderall.  I have no doubt about it.  With my wife there just wasnt any empathy until she started nearing rock bottom.  Im not even sure shes there yet or fully knows what shes done but dam I would think so or I hope so.  I think shes finally realizing what she has done and that it cant be undone unfortuately.  I know she did the slimy things she did because she was scared of quitting or living without adderall more then being with me and our three little girls. She watched her whole world crumble but wouldnt even admit she was addicted until after it was all gone.  Its amazing how hard this drug seems to be to actually WANT to quit.. Your in a good site for support.  I really hope the best for your family and hate to see anyone go thru it...

 

[Traceme]

I can totally relate to what you are going through and I will pray for your strength during this difficult time.  Sometimes those decisions make themselves.  Whether you want them to or not.  Hang in there. 

[LILTEX41]

Hi Bones,

 

I am so sorry to hear your family is struggling like this right now.  I can offer you some perspective based on my own story and maybe that can help.  I don't know if it will, but here is what I kind of gather of this situation.

 

First of all, when someone is addicted to drugs, just know it doesn't mean they don't love you or your kids.  Their DOC (drug of choice) comes first.  It is the number one most important thing in their life.  They are hooked and 100% dependent on it for emotional, psychological, and every reason known to man.  They have become so attached to it, that they cannot comprehend life without it.  They may not even be aware that they have placed it as the most important thing in their lives.  All they know is they need it, depend on it, and anything which stands in the way of their love affair feels incomprehensible.  

 

I remember when I moved 1200 miles away and I was so GRATEFUL I could finally just have my adderall and drink without anyone watching me or trying to control me.  I could just take as much as I needed for the first time in my life and could get away with it.  However, I wasn't in a good place and once I was all alone with my DOC, it was pretty much the most awful feeling in the world. For me, it took going to the ER twice, detox, and outpatient to finally say enough was enough of this drug and never go back on it.  I had gone through several attempts to quit up until this point and it wasn't until I went to the ER for the second time that I finally thought, "Ok, seriously I have a problem here. I am defeated."  It would've been great had I not have sunken that low in order to recover, but that's what it took.  Looking back now, if I would've had other prescriptions going on top of the adderall such as oxycodene (downer) I probably wouldn't have overdosed and landed in the hospital. I could've kept the whole cycle going on longer.  I feel grateful that I never had access to more.  

 

Has she ever admitted she has a problem or that she would like to get well?  Does she have any desire to quit?  If she doesn't, it appears you might be up against a losing battle.  If you try to control her or force her to quit, it will only make her want to do it more and make everything worse.  She will resent you and pull farther away.  At some point, if she has no willingness to break free from this, then you have some decisions to make.  You have to do what's best for yourself and your children.  

 

Wishing you all the best. 

[diehard_dodger_fan]

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[AlwaysAwesome]

You are not dealing with a rational person.  Adderall causes you to be a crazy, raving, maniac at the drop of a hat. Volatile.

 

You need to protect yourself and your children.  She doesn't sound like she is close to wanting to quit. 

[Traceme]

Bones, Always is correct.  With children of my own and an adderall addict partner-its a ticking bomb.  Protect your kids and yourself.  Never under-estimate your wife. I say that with the heaviest amount of love and experience. 

[dadof3finallyfree]

Hey Bones, in my experience and I think just about everyone's is it does get worse before it starts getting better, especially for myself and the kids but try to take that as a sign of hope.  My wife started on just 30 pills of 10 mg a month and now she refills 60 pills of 20 mg IR in 3 weeks.  Thats just what i know about....

It has to come to a head for it to get fixed and the more out in the open it gets the closer maybe you both are growing towards dealing with it or hopefully she is at least starting to move towards some sort of eye opening and recovery thinking. If she deals with it daily it has to be weighing on her.  Thats better then sweeping it under the rug.

 Just remember what Always said above she is not rational, its not you doing this so don't feel guilty even if you participate in the arguing. She may not have empathy or seem like she doesn't care but in all the posts Ive read here everyone sounded like they weren't happy and wanted it to end so badly that she knows whats going on enough.  My wife put on such a huge front like life and her career were just a big peach but it was all a lie. Everyone saw it in the end and they still do.  She was and is miserable but in my heart i know she will come around. I'm sure you know your wife better then anyone.  Just because you don't see it today I bet you can feel the truth inside of both of you. I hate hearing how time heals things but it is so true.  Every time your sad or heartbroken it is one less time you will have to feel it and one day closer to you finding your own peace for you and the kids.

My strength came from two simple areas when it all boiled down to it.  First was that if I was such as ass that hounded her about her problem as i was told daily it was only because she was my best friend and I wanted her to be healthy for her and for me and the kids and to grow old together. Thats not selfish or being a dick.  What sort of spouse would you be if you didnt say something or fight for her?  Even if it may mean losing her for a bit... You want her to be alive and healthy don't you?  I always told myself if I didn't stand up for us well then what kind of spouse would that make me?  The non addicted spouses should get angry over this shit!!! The ones that don't well thats not love in my opinion and they are just enablers. Dont allow that to be you.  I walked away feeling good that I had a backbone and she couldnt take that away from me.  She took the boat, car, furniture and a shit load of alimony...lol! but I call it stay away payments...just lightening things up a bit because you gotta find a way to laugh and move on regardless if you know what direction your going. You deserve a life outside of this crappy drug!  Your going to say shit you dont mean but your not a pro at this, no one is... theres no book on it...

Second thing was that it was not about me and my ex nor will it be in the future as I have to deal with her for quite some time.  Its about the kids, they come first...Marriage is tough enough without throwing in addictions and being selfish. I had to put things in place that guaranteed my kids would never go through this bullshit again, ever again.  I want my ex back but it would just happen again and again and again as it did the last few years.  Im not saying give up at all but do realize your in for a long road either way with kids involved.  We repeated every argument over and over and over... same stupid comments every dam day... throwing our bad moves in each others faces over and over again...we were both at fault....in the end I just went totally silent and walked which fixed me but believe me i fought like hell for it to go the other way and fix her.  I didnt win but she is alive and she is thinking about quitting more so now then ever before. Hopefully she will turn into a better mom or at least be around for the kids to some degree. That makes me happy...bittersweet but at least I haven't buried her with my kids watching as I stood by like an ass not saying anything.  Id rather be an ex then a widower...So argue with her... its part of it...Just take care of the kids first, then you, then her...Sorry so long but it helps me to relive it as well. Best of luck man!!! Think positive there's proof on this site this shit can be beat, all these people on here that changed their lives around are that awesome example of finding happiness again!  It can be done!

[amandal1130]

Well I hate to admit that I might be able to relate to your wife...

 

I started adderall at 17, met my ex fiancee at 21.  He was never a big adderall supporter but didn't start getting vocal about it until we moved in together, about four years into our relationship.  Then we got engaged, I started law school, and we moved to the suburbs.  I was 26.  We were both artistic souls trying to get a foundation beneath us.  All the creativity was zapped from our relationship when we got engaged--the whole thing became about saving money, kids, the wedding, etc..  I don't blame anyone but for me it was just too much.  I went from 25-30mg per day to around 50, 60 tops.  And I'm small.  Halfway through the first year my doctor prescribed prozac to treat the panic attacks I'd started having.  I believe the prozac made me at least slightly manic and when i started trying to wean off the adderall in my second year I had a full on hypomanic episode.  At that point I didn't care about my relationship at all.  In my eyes he was just completely unsympathetic to the pressure that led me into what felt like an impossible situation and he had to go.

 

I will say that in hindsight his pressure was a huge reason for my decision to get off the meds.  However, it was the (very understandable on his part) lack of sympathy that led me to withdraw.  I came around when I spoke to a few enlightened friends who gave it to me straight while at the same time making me feel completely understood.  

 

I have no idea if this reflects your situation at all.  But I can say in hindsight that for my fiancee to have looked honestly at all that was on my plate, to look past what appeared to be psychotic behavior and acknowledge (and seriously help alleviate) the level of pressure I was under would have been a miracle.  For BOTH of us.  My ever increasing adderall dosage led me to take on most of the household responsibilities in addition to law school work.  My fiancee increasingly invalidated what I did with my time and my life.  I felt like he didn't see me, he saw "drug addict."  And he had a major family history of drug addiction that I felt he was bringing in. 

 

My advice, if ANY of this resonates, is to pull all of your spiritual resources to the table and do your best to see things from her point of view.  I do agree with all of the posters here.  This is no joke and you must protect yourself and your children.  However, when dealing with your wife, remembering a) WHY is she in this situation and WHY am I in the situation will go a long way in remembering the humanity that led you to each other.