One Year and Seven Months - trying to be kind to myself

[tantan911]

Hi there everyone! 

 

I quit adderall on August 28th, 2014th and am proud to say that I am a little over a year and a half adderall free!!!! it has not been easy, but this website has totally helped me through some tough times. i was taking between 20-40mgs XR for about TEN YEARS before i decided to quit. 

 

That being said, I sometimes look back at that part of my life (age 16-26) and feel as though i am looking back the life of a different person. I try not to let my mind wander too far bc the past is the past, but it is hard to not wonder what my life would have been like if i never took it.

 

i have been doing my best to change my diet and pack myself with nutrients and omega 3s so that my body can heal from years of not eating properly and drinking too much. i have also been taking lionsmane supplements that seem to help with my focus.  i used to go almost all day without eating and then drink about the equivalent of a 6pack when i would get home to calm my nerves, and then eat something really fattening and unhealthy once i was drunk. i would also smoke a pack of cigarettes a day, and now ive gotten down to maybe 1 cigarette a month, which feels amazing!!!! i used to waste so much time smoking cigarettes, i sometimes think back on the old me and am so embarrassed by certain things i used to do (like smoking cigarettes in the car with nonsmokers bc i couldnt wait until i got out of the car)

 

i feel like i am re-learning how to be a proper human all the time now, and am learning to cut myself some slack, but i really do still get frustrated with myself from time to time about my lack of motivation. i have been able to keep up my same job (location scouting for tv shows) but in the last year and a half i have really had to push myself at times to keep my head in the game. adderall used to be so helpful at work bc i sometimes work 12-16 hour days and it would help keep me awake and productive. now when i work that long of days it is much harder for me. there is also a lot of stress and pressure at my job because there are deadlines and a lot of multi tasking, and i will admit that i have had three serious anxiety attacks from work in the last year and a half. i really hope that i can find another profession someday, but it is hard to turn down the work because it is good money and it is what i am used to. 

 

right now i am in between jobs, i have a new one that starts on april 21st, so i am using the next few weeks to get more into my yoga practice and do a lot of gardening and fixing up around my place for the spring. i have also been doing a lot of creative writing which i want to publish into a zine, but it is still really hard for me to concentrate sometimes. 

 

does anyone on here ever feel like their brain will never work to its fullest potential again? sometimes i feel like there are pieces of my brain missing that still need to grow back. i am not trying not to be pessimistic, which is why i keep trying to heal and re-build by body and brain, but sometimes it is still so hard for me to stay focused or feel motivated to to anything. it can even be painful just trying to read a book, which is really frustrating because there is so much that i want to learn!!!!!!

 

i had three failed relationships during the ten years i was on adderall and have not been able to have a serious relationship with anyone since i quit. i try to remind myself when i get down about this that i am still working on myself. sometimes i wonder if i will every be able to have a serious relationship again.. it really scares me that i might never be ready. i have also really had to come to terms with my bi-sexuality in the last year an a half. something that i have always known was there, but never really took the time to think about when i was on adderall. i am still learning to be more comfortable with myself, which i have learned all stems back to loving yourself and surrounding yourself with people that are forthcoming with their love and acceptance. 

 

i also suffer from severe paranoia at times since quitting adderall. i will go through phases of thinking that everybody hates me or that my friends are all talking about me. 

 

meditation has really been key in getting these repetitive thought processes to stop, and i HIGHLY recommend it to everyone. 

 

i have always been extremely sensitive since i was a child, and taking away the adderall has definitely brought a lot of that sensitivity and wild emotion back into my life. i am doing my best to keep my emotions in check without any other medications, but it can definitely be a struggle. 

 

this post is getting really long and i want people to actually read it so i am going to try and cut it off. i guess i felt a need to post because i am feeling a lack of motivation and have so many projects that i want to do in the next few weeks while i have time off and i really dont want to let myself down, but i am having a hard time getting my energy up! it is disheartening for me that after all this time i am still struggling with some of the same stuff i was struggling with a year ago and could use some encouragement from anyone who has gone a bit deeper into this process of healing.

 

I AM NOT GIVING UP. that is one thing i am sure of. i will never go back to that stuff. ever. EVER. and i will continue to grow and be kind to myself. i encourage anyone who has recently quit to stick to it, or if you are thinking about quitting go for it! it is definitely not easy, but you WILL live where you are more present and a much better version of yourself. 

 

love and light to you all <3 namaste.

 

 

[quit-once]

Hi tantan,

Welcome to QuittingAdderall.  I have a lot in common with you.  I used it for almost ten years too, and smoked cigs for 30+ years.  I am also into yoga practice, gardening and I love my dog.  I used Lions Mane for focus well into my fourth year of recovery.  I still take fish oil, vitamins, and Redbull.  Straight to your question: "does anyone ever feel like their brain will never work to its fullest potential again?"

 

Yeah, I am concerned about that too.  My brain is not as sharp as it was when I was in grad school 25 years ago.  Is that because I spent a decade on Adderall? Or is it because my brain is 25 years older and it does not work as well as a young brain?  Most likely a combination of both plus some other factors I am not even aware of.  But my brain does work much better that it did before I quit stimulants.  I was losing executive function and memory at a rapid pace.  IN fact, my brain was not very functional and I was consumed with this awful addiction and hyper focused on maintaining my supply of pills while other things didn't matter.  My future was uncertain as a drug addict and I had this impending task of quitting ahead of me.  Going back to the pills will never be an option for me because I know the addiction would return with a vengeance and I simply can't afford to risk any greater mental decline than I have already experienced at my age.   

So the short answer to your question is that I feel like I have lost some brain power with age in years but I won't blame it on the Adderall.

 

I also had to come to terms with my sexuality after quitting.  In my case, I realized that I am asexual and that my lack of sexual attraction to others throughout my life was an orientation, not a choice.  I am still in the process of accepting that I may never have a lifetime partner because of my orientation. 

 

Motivation, mental focus and self confidence will return to you as you progress through your recovery.  Just keep your expectations real. and give it plenty of time.  It took me 2-3 years to feel like I was mostly recovered from this awful addiction,

[AlwaysAwesome]

At 21 months clean, I am feeling much better than I did a year ago.  However, I am currently experiencing a slump in motivation.  I have lost over 20 pounds since January and I am just not in the mood to exercise.  I haven't had a real workout in 2 weeks.  I will get back to it, but right now I am a slug.  I haven't fallen off the healthy eating wagon, so I am still losing slowly.  I have 10 pounds to go before I am at my pre Adderall weight and 20 until I am at my ideal. 

 

Give yourself a break.  Non linear process...

[Frank B]

I just miss being high and loving work but then again I was on adderal plus oxy everyday it was great now life is so so fucking boring. Very little makes me happy and I look forward to very little however I have become obsessed with the MLB being from KC that's easy these days. I watch MLB network non stop listen to sports radio all the time never used to be like that not sure why off adderal I'm a sports nut now maybe because I don't wanna do much of anything myself.

[LILTEX41]

Congratulations!!!  I can totally relate with the way you used.  I did the same 20-40 mgs for 5 or 6 years, pack of cigs a day, drink @ 6pack every night, well and I'd smoke pot too.  It's a pretty big change getting off all that crap and so glad you are doing better!

 

Does brain function come back?  I wish I knew the answer to that question.  I feel like I have the same abilities now as I did prior to taking adderall.  I think I was depleted of dopamine for quite some time after i quit.  Just took a long time for the constant cravings to go away.  I feel recovered these days.  

 

Glad you are doing so well and thanks for sharing!

[tantan911]

liltex, thank you for your kind words. i smoked a lot of pot white i was using adderall as well.  i actually used to have a nickname for myself... "speedweed"!!! LOL.

 

all jokes aside, i still do smoke pot and DUH im sure that is not helping with my brain function. it does help me with anxiety though and i am not quite ready to give it up. not sure if or when i ever will be, but i have def cut back and am working on it. i found that it really helped me through my withdrawal period and am glad i had access to it rather than other pills like xanax and klonopin that are usually given for anxiety. 

 

that being said, there is a good chance i would be far more productive without it.........