Adderall + Xanax addiction: HEAVY abuse of both. Feeling desperate, unable to quit.

[eaterofplanets]

I have been taking adderall consistently for about 12 years now. I've been abusing it for about 7. Like really ABUSING it. I weigh about 98 pounds, and I'll take anywhere from 80 to 120mgs a day.

But here's where I differ from every story I've read in the forums: I'm also just as addicted to Xanax. I absolutely cannot go to sleep unless i pop about 4 bars at night. The Xanax addiction started about 7 years ago. The heavy Xanax abuse started about 6 years ago, and has grown rapidly ever since.

IS THERE ANYONE WHO CAN RELATE TO THIS? Doesn't have to be as severe. I'm sure I'm in a league of my own with this rap sheet, I JUST NEED ADVICE SO BAD from someone who suffers with an addiction to both adderall AND Xanax.

I've been trying to quit (and failing miserably) for about a month now. I swear swear swear from the bottom of my heart, it feels absolutely possibly im-fucking-possible to quit.

Am I too far gone? I've been doing this so long, it seems like I'd be forced to hibernate for 5 years just to kick it. I'm sure my recovery and withdrawals will be exponentially more difficult because of the double addiction.

Does anyone else suffer from this?

What do i do? Where do I start? Is it even possible? Am I too far gone?

Any advice would be more appreciated than you'll ever know.

[duffman]

Hey eaterofplanets,

 

I'm also someone who is currently going through stimulant medication and benzodiazepine withdrawal hardship, though I must admit your situation is a few orders of magnitude above mine. I can completely empathize with that soul-crushing feeling of not being able to quit these medications due to their devastating and mind-fucking withdrawal effects. I'm sure you're feeling trapped in your current predicament, because I sure felt like I was. You're not too far gone, but I can say with full-fledging confidence that you will NOT be able to (nor should you even try to) quit on your own.

 

You need to find a physician that you trust and admit to your addictions. Having medical oversight of your withdrawal process is absolutely critical and necessary, especially with Xanax. By all means, do NOT try to quit Xanax cold turkey. Your tapering process (again, under physician supervision) will be stretched out over many months and should be gradual.

 

I know someone first-hand who was able to recover from a 12mg a day Xanax habit. He tried quitting cold turkey and ended up in the hospital. The advice he gave me (which is the same advice I'm giving to you) is to fess up to a doctor you trust and follow their protocol. He's doing good now. You would have never known he had such a heavy addiction to a benzodiazepine unless he told ya. Be prepared for a long journey though. You WILL MAKE IT if you quit these drugs using the correct method of tapering. 

 

Feel free to message me if you want to know anything else. 

[eaterofplanets]

Thank you both for responding. It really means a lot.

I would love to be able to go to rehab, but not only can I not afford it, I live alone and support myself, so I couldn't afford to take the time off. And that's another big issue in all of this. Whenever I try to quit, I'm absolutely WORTHLESS. I lay in bed all day in a dark room watching Netflix, eating crap, and sleeping on and off throughout the day. I literally can't do anything else. It's bad. So the intense withdrawals that would come with quitting altogether would definitely endanger my survival, since I have to keep working to pay bills and stuff. I just know that making it through one day of work without adderall would be absolutely agonizing. Let alone months.

Does anyone have any suggestions for this predicament or have been in a similar situation and found an intelligent way to navigate through it?

Any answer is worth more than gold to me right now.

[hyper_critical]

You're not too far gone. I know a couple people who have been in a similar situation and recovered.

 

I can't agree with duffman strongly enough...I think you need to get completely honest with your doctor and ask for help.

 

You can absolutely get better.

[eaterofplanets]

I made an appointment.

I'm so terrified. But I'm going to tell my doctor everything and basically cut off my supply.

I'll keep you updated.

...if I have the energy, hahaha.

[Frank B]

If you check on my posts you'll see we are somewhat similar. I was on adderal for years heavy dose plus pain killers and also took Xanax .

It will be very hard we will be here for support.

[eaterofplanets]

Frank,

May i ask, how long did it take until you finally started feeling better? Right now my mindset is so fragile that I feel just completely hopeless. My constant fear is that it will NEVER end. The misery, the constant fatigue, and the dark negative thinking, etc., that is.

Like how long was it until you started to notice any positive change, at all?

I sincerely appreciate your replies.

Thank you so very much.

[Frank B]

Well it sucks but you know at this point like I did your either going to stop or continue to use and destroy yourself. I want to say 5 months things will start to get better from the adderal the Xanax maybe a couple weeks and you won't need it for sleep. I used it as a sleep aid or should say crash aid after being up on adderal for two days straight. It's weird such a roller coaster of emotions quitting everything. The thing about adderal is you physically get over the withdraws in a short time but mentally it screws you up bad. What I personally feel is the further away you go from your stop date you slowly forget how you needed it to do everything. I finally started to work a full day without total drag ass couple weeks ago . I almost hate coming home because it triggers back to the days I sat and did nothing for weeks. Yeah you won't be worth a shit for awhile but you gotta tell people u must do this or may end up dying from a heart attack. I advice attended NA meetings espically the first couple weeks hit them up hard they are free.

[eaterofplanets]

Frank,

Thank you so so much for all of your advice. It's been a huge comfort. Sometimes the only comfort. I am going to look into finding some groups. You're so very right, I need a support system. People I can talk to and others to hold me accountable.

Thanks for the timeline as well.

It's so goddamn inspiring when you feel like there's no way this is ever going to end.

Doctor appointment is Tuesday.

I'm on day 6 without using.

I guess it's appropriate to say that not-using, makes me completely useless.

Ha

[Benjamin8585]

Hey

Your story resonates with me.. I abused adderall heavily for 8 years. Ive only posted once on this site, you should look back at my post. It's been 3 years since I quit, so I'd be happy to talk to you and tell you about what the journeys been like for me. It's hard for me to relate to the people who took adderall in normal dosages... Because When you abuse it, like we did, it's a whole different story. I was upwards of 100 mg a day. But anyways, I'd like to hear more about your story. it would be great to talk to someone who is just now beginning the journey. I don't know if there's a way that you can message me on this site?

[Searchingsoul9]

I was heavily addicted to adderall, same as you 80-200 a day.

I didn't use xanax to cope, but i did drink massive amounts of alcohol.

It is possible to stop. You just need the right tools. To get some type of help. 

I read somewhere that it takes 21 days or something to establish a new habit. That once you keep at something for 21 days your brain will file that away as something important and necessary. 

Maybe just make a promise to yourself to try and be clean for 21 days. I know saying "i quit fully and forever" is extremely difficult. So just think of it as a 21 day trial and then take it from there.