This site is pretty cool

[Knonymous]

This is gonna be a crazy intro! I just turned 23 and still haven't graduated college due to my addiction and love affair(I'm a guy I can't believe I just wrote that) with my various adhd medications first prescribed exactly 2 years ago.I'm almost a senior at a University in Texas. 

 

 

Unlike many adderall users who took their prescription starting at the age of 5, I somehow decided to go to a doctor when I was 21 to get checked for ADHD. I had some trouble with focus my whole life but never thought twice about ever going to a shrink for it,probably because my parents were and still are against Psychiatric drugs. I graduated high school 1 year early purposefully and had almost 1 year of college credits before the first day of University. I was 17 starting my "sophomore year". I started to struggle probably because that extra year of non-high school still had me a bit immature. This was my chance to go to a shrink, although they denied it because I had gotten off recently from a 6 month weed binge(I never went back to weed after that,its odd telling people the only time I smoked weed in my life was literally 4-5x a week for 6 months with my old friends I knew since high school most likely due to the panic attacks it was causing me). Long story short my GPA sucks its a 2.0 5 years later and I've only completed not even 2 years of college credits since than(no drugs or alcohol or medicine abuse just pure laziness and lethargy my passion for cigarettes was causing me)

 

 

So I waited 3 years to manipulate a doctor to finally get my hands on some adderalls that I tried probably 3 or 4 times before for exams and cramming. I was excited i would "change my life" like I saw others post online on other forums. Could it be that I always had ADHD and my anxiety the last few years is a result of not being treated for 21 years? I really don't know but thats the story I used to self-diagnose myself to the doctor.

 

Anyways i basically upped my dose the first 4 months on my own to numb myself from work and school stress and to amp me up at my banquet hall job so I could be confident in front of 300 people every friday-sunday while maybe scoring a little

 

 

After the first 4 months I stopped adderall for almost 6 months but had gained so much weight approximately 45lbs and had completely lost interest in hanging out,school,gym,you name it!

 

 

 

Now the last 12 months its basically become a habit again to use stimulants as a confident booster,motivation fire starter,weight loss tool to basically get through my daily functioning. I go to school and work, barely hang out or work out and everyday feels miserable. I haven't felt this disconnected with life since 5 years ago when I had a mental breakdown caused by the weed panic attacks. I don't even know what anxiety is anymore because I think I might have developed schizophrenic symptoms maybe I'm not sure but I've started to believe everyone in my life excluding my immediate family constantly gossips that I fell off or became a low life. 

 

 

I take 5mgx2 a day of Zenzedi(dextroamphetamine) right now after being on adderall,ritalin,adderall again,vyvanse,adderall for the third time, and now d-amphetamine since adderall obviously made me like I was on crack of something. 

 

 

This is pretty embarassing I don't even think I'm suppose to write this much on a hello post but yall are the only ones I tell this too,I can't keep hiding my addiction because this dual life is driving me insane its about time I came on here as I've been browsing this site and other random addiction amphetamine searches on google the last 2 years without actually posting anything. 

 

 

To anyone who read the whole thing I appreciate it. Peace.

[Doge]

 

 

I was excited i would "change my life" like I saw others post online on other forums. Could it be that I always had ADHD and my anxiety the last few years is a result of not being treated for 21 years?

 

Of your whole post, this is the part that echoes in my skull.  I think this feeling is very common.  It's ironic how excited I got when I first got my hands on a fistful of pills, and how great I though I was going to become from them.  The drug ground me into dust, chewed me up and spit me out.

 

And post as much as you need to!  We're all here for the same reason.

[Knonymous]

Yea looking back I sort of thought I was above anyone my age going to school just because I have "that study pill" that happens to be a "legal amphetamine". I still can't believe I made the ignorant decision to try prescription drugs this habit forming I feel like a such a loser now hahah.

 

 

People say on this site you can't quit until your ready. I think, I've had many times I believed I bottomed out in  my mind during excessive use and told myself its not worth it anymore. Yet when its time for the next appointment or script I go in acting as if I'm a studious student who is functioning better with the meds. COMPLETE LIE! Although I did quit for 4-5 months but I didn't take the initiative to balance my life and eventually resorted to it again.

 

You got any advice?

[Doge]

I have relapsed more times than I can count.  And the reason each attempt failed is this:  I didn't cut off my supply.

 

When I decided to quit, I didn't take action to tell my supplier what was really going on.  I did the same thing as you, pretended everything was fine and that I didn't really need anymore but

 

"hey, might as well have em just in case right doc?  yeah everything is else is fine too doc, how is the family doing?  same old same old eh?  yeah, well...   hey thanks for the refill, if you really think I should keep taking it I guess I will.... I probably wont even take any though because I really don't care about them, see you next month, maybe...."

 

Did I tell him that I was sitting at my desk with my head in my hands bawling my eyes out after binging on a months worth of prescription in two days?  We addicts are the best liars.

 

Most important piece of advice is, CUT OFF ACCESS.  Or you will become like me.

 

There is nothing to feel like a loser about.  It's a viciously addicted chemical that is irresponsibly prescribed by those who should (and are paid a FORTUNE in salary) to know better.  Avoiding the shame of admitting your problem is not worth continuing the cycle of self-abuse that a life on adderall (or dexederine, or vyvanse, or zenzedi, it's all the same shit under different names) amounts to.

 

Necessary Disclosure:

Easy for me to say, I haven't had the boldness to take my own advice.  I've decided time and time again to quit, and right now it's been about 5 weeks since my last pill and I don't feel any desire to go back to it.  But really why haven't I totally cut myself off?  Is it because I'm ashamed to admit it and am clinging to a hope that I can successfully quit without doing it? or is it because deep down on some subconscious level I'm saying "maybe" when I really should be saying "FUCK NO"?  I don't know but based on my history I'm taking a big risk for the sake of pride that has not turned out well for me in the past.

 

So that's my advice with a bit of background of where it's coming from.

[BeHereNow]

 I haven't felt this disconnected with life since 5 years ago when I had a mental breakdown caused by the weed panic attacks. I don't even know what anxiety is anymore because I think I might have developed schizophrenic symptoms maybe I'm not sure but I've started to believe everyone in my life excluding my immediate family constantly gossips that I fell off or became a low life.

 

Hey Knonymous,

 

I have to agree with Doge that there is nothing to be ashamed of.  Addiction is biological and chemical.  It's not like you're a bad person.  You got hooked on something.  And we live in a world where most people seem to be addicted to something. 

 

But now you're seeing the consequences.  You keep taking it, and these feelings you're describing (the emptiness, paranoia, anxiety, etc.) are probably going to keep getting worse if you keep taking it. 

 

Addiction is progressive.   People tend to keep bottoming out at lower and lower points-- but you can always go lower.  How low do you want to go?  You can stop this here, or you can keep letting it get worse.  Do you want to wait for life to send you a major wake-up call (like health, work, or relationship problems caused by addiction?)  

 

Stick around and post away!  I'd suggest reading through some of the "tell your story" forum.  There is a lot of wisdom on this site.