A decade of abuse...My Adderall story is a long complicated one

[Tom23Jones]

I'm now 30 years old and abused adderall almost every single day from the time I was 20 until about three months ago.  

 

This is my first post telling my whole story and I don't really know what all I'm going to write so excuse any ramblings or run-on sentences.  I also apologize in advance for a lengthy article.  I know we all have a hard time focusing for very long lol.

 

I was never diagnosed with ADD is a child or teenager.  My adderall story started when I was 20 years old and a co-worker let me try one of his 20mg Addies and holy shit! It was the most magical thing ever.  Instantly I thoroughly enjoyed my job that day (which I typically hated).  I enjoyed talking to anyone who would talk to me.  It was 100% love at first Adderall.  It was everything my life was missing.  Its hard to explain but just walking outside everything looked clearer and more vibrant.  The first few times taking Adderall I would even get emotional about how great life is and all that I've got to be thankful for.  It made me pick up my phone and call family and friends that I don't speak to often enough.  <-- but we all know after abusing adderall for an extended period of time that this changes and we become less and less social with friends and family.

 

From the moment I felt those euphoric feelings kick in, it was my mission to obtain a prescription for myself.  At that moment I never had a clue how deep the obsession would become.  Nor did I have any idea how much pain and chaos it would cause years later.

 

It was beyond easy to manipulate my doctors and within 2 weeks after trying that first adderall, I was out the door with a prescription of my own.

 

Now I'm going to fast forward about 5 years;  I'm 25 years old and a highly successful outside salesman for a fortune 500 company.  I hate giving adderall credit because I have so much hate for the drug but I know with out a doubt that it accelerated my career.  The pill was beginning to lose its magic so naturally I took more and more.  My normal doctor wouldn't give me what I was asking so I found a mental health doctor who prescribed me 3x daily 20mg xr.  After meeting with her one time I was out the door with my ninety 20mg pills.

 

I really regret how oblivious I was to what I was doing to my body.  For years I never even researched long term effects.  I had no idea that I could have been damaging my heart, my mental well being etc.  But I was blinded by the pure obsession of obtaining and taking more adderall to function optimally.  

 

The first time I realized how big my problem was a huge wake up call.  I had never broken the law in my life but adderall had my world so screwed up that I committed a felony forgery to obtain more pills when I ran out.

 

That felony charge and the fact that I continued to abuse adderall would ultimately be the demise of my career as an outside salesman.

 

I've had a few jobs since then and continued to abuse adderall up until about 3 months ago. 

 

My adderall abuse got so bad that it would cause massive panic attacks where I felt like I was having a heart attack.  I would tweak out and get all sweaty doing nothing.  I would see shadow people and act paranoid all the time.  

 

I put myself through the same vicious cycle every single month.  I would take upwards of 150mg daily for about 2 weeks then I would crash for two weeks straight and be depressed until I could obtain more adderall.

 

I finally hit rock bottom about 3 months ago and did enough research to know that my habit was not sustainable.  I would have eventually died if I continued the way I was going.  I quit cold turkey and suffered for about 2 weeks pretty bad but then things slowly started improving.  I really got excited about having my own natural feelings again.  I regained my sense of humor and I've started to reconnect with friends who I had neglected for years.  I attend N/A meetings weekly and could probably benefit from going multiple times a week.

 

But for some reason these last 2 weeks have been tough for me.  I've really struggled with getting motivated to do anything.  Whether it be work, exercise, house chores.  I've also got a lot of paranoia about what I may have done to my body.  Physically I have a fear that I could have damaged my heart.  And mentally I have a fear that I may have screwed myself up so bad that I'll never feel happy or focused.  But I know thats all because I've been in my own head a lot lately.  I know I'll be okay because I've experienced genuine happiness and excitement about life since quitting adderall.  This is just a rough patch that I've gotta get through.

 

Thanks for allowing me to share 

 â˜® ✌

[Doge]

Thanks for sharing and welcome!  It sounds like you are doing awesome and are on track!  And good for you for going to N/A meetings.  That is probably really helpful.  I've never had the courage myself yet....

 

 

 

I put myself through the same vicious cycle every single month.  I would take upwards of 150mg daily for about 2 weeks then I would crash for two weeks straight and be depressed until I could obtain more adderall.

 

I know exactly what you mean about the cycle of self-abuse.  Using them up fast then crashing and suffering.  Only to JUST start feeling better again and go get more and start over.

 

May I ask if you took any pre-cautions when you quit?  Did you get your doctors to cut you off in case the really hard cravings hit in the future?  They are almost impossible to resist for most of us.

 

I'm really happy for your decision to live a life of freedom and glad you are getting your sense of humour back.

[Tom23Jones]

Well I had two sources for getting adderall.  I had a legit prescription and then I had a friend who would sell me his monthly supply.

 

When I finally realized my habit was not sustainable and I was killing myself I knew what I had to do.   I told my wife everything which is really the only precautionary thing I put in place.  I had 2 hard copies rX refills for the next two months so I ripped them up in front of her. I also told her about my friend who was supplying me with addies.  I gave her his name and number and told her to track our phone records, If i'm calling or texting him, thats bad news.  I committed to her and myself that I will never take that fu*king poison again and that I'll go to N/A at least once weekly for at least the next several years.

[Doge]

That's an amazing demonstration of commitment.  You've left yourself no place to hide from your wife.  That's great that you brought her on board with your plan.  You are awesome

 

(Is your doctor aware of what is going on?  That sounds like the only bridge left to burn.)

[Tom23Jones]

To answer your question, no I haven't told the doctor whats going on.  All I did was cancel the next appointment I had scheduled and told them I'd call back if I needed to reschedule.  The good thing is that I'm on my wifes insurance so she'd immediately see any appointment or prescription fills.

 

Appreciate you giving me props.  I knew it was the only choice I had  if I was going to live a healthy/happy life.  It finally hit me that I was completely powerless over the addiction and I was never going to be able to do Adderall in moderation.  

 

I've had a lot of positive feelings and great things happen since quitting but its not all sunshine and rainbows.  The past 2 weeks have been particularly hard.  My motivation to do literally anything has been paralyzed. For two weeks I haven't helped my wife around the house, I haven't gotten up early to exercise and plan for my day.  I've been late to work everyday and I've been doing as little as possible to just get through each day at work.  I'm stuck in this rut and I can't trigger my motivation muscle.  Whats weird though, is I've had really good weeks since quitting adderall.  I've weeks where I'm exercising and planning so much that its euphoric in a natural way...but for now I'm pathetic and lazy.  I keep thinking- tomorrow I'll get fired up again but we all know tomorrow never comes.

[Doge]

 

 

Whats weird though, is I've had really good weeks since quitting adderall.  I've weeks where I'm exercising and planning so much that its euphoric in a natural way...but for now I'm pathetic and lazy.  I keep thinking- tomorrow I'll get fired up again but we all know tomorrow never comes.

I hear this.  There are good days and bad days for sure.

 

The motivation will come.  Just survive the mean time and be as easy on yourself as possible.  

 

It sucks knowing work is piling up though.  Got any vacation time saved up?