2 yrs clean, but now with heart problems. Sad and in need of support

[clp0001]

So, I just found out I have a serious heart arrhythmia from all of my years on Adderall. (I posted my back story in a past post last year http://bit.ly/2e1mO18).My biggest fear has come true and it's making me so depressed. I've felt paralyzed for the last few weeks since finding out. I'm scared for the long term probability of heart medicines, heart surgery or god forbid a heart transplant. And this is particularly jarring because I was feeling hopeful with natural energy just one month ago after two years of a torturous physical and psychological withdrawal process. Just before I got this news about my heart, I had started exercising and had decided to go to grad school for Buddhist psychology (the exact opposite mentality and psychological philosophy than Adderall promotes) and was getting out of the house more. But now I'm just laying around obsessively researching different heart problems associated with Adderall use, how to sue my old prescribing psychiatrist and feeling disassociated, hopeless and pissed off at my old psychiatrist, myself, my ignorance and of course- Adderall- the devil's drug. All of this anxiety, grief and paralysis is making me feel like I'm back in the first month after quitting, which is horrible as many of you know. I don't know what to do and how to feel hopeful again and get back on track. Can anyone help?

[LILTEX41]

Hi CLP0001,

 

First off, here is a big ((((hug)))) for you this morning.  I can almost feel your pain as I know what it's like to trust the medical community only to have it backfire on you.  I was prescribed super potent pills once which landed me in the emergency room, stranded in Houston, hallucinating like crazy, got a ride with a stranger who thought I was a hooker and could've raped and killed me.  I almost died all thanks to trusting my doctor, pharmacy, and pharmaceutical company.  They messed up and I suffered the consequences of their errors.  It's not a good feeling, but I think holding onto anger over the situation didn't help me heal in any way.  It just kept me stuck. I signed up to join the lawsuit http://www.aboutlawsuits.com/generic-adderall-recall-barr-dextroamphetamine-amphetamine-5459/, but never heard anything.  I think it will be a long time before this battle is won, but until then we have to make peace with what has happened and not allow it to overtake us - otherwise they win.

 

Look at how far you come!!!!  2 years is AMAZING!!!!  You are doing so awesome and please whatever you do, do not allow this to send you backwards into depression.  You're just going to have to stay positive!!  Imagine if you didn't stop 2 years ago.  You might not even be here today, you know???  160mgs is insane.  BUT you're heart is in recovery mode.  MAYBE it is actually getting better this whole time and it will only keep getting better.  Maybe 2 years ago when you stopped you were nearly of the verge of a heart attack.  Even though they just now found this...I bet it is at least nowhere near as bad of shape as 2 years ago.  You gotta keep reminding yourself it COULD be worse and that whatever happens going forward you CAN HANDLE IT.  You have been through too much and worked too hard to give up now and let this depression defeat you!!  AND you don't know for sure if you will need medication, transplant, and all that stuff.  Just keep doing what you are doing and HEALING.  Let go of that anger and forgive the psychiatrist for being incompetent.  He was trying to help, but made a mistake.  He is human and we as humans make errors.   The more you can forgive and let go of these toxic negative emotions, you will begin to feel better.

 

I'm not saying you shouldn't take action though against the psychiatrist.  I think your case is EXTREMELY important and something needs to be done.  If we can help other people and take action against this drug in some way, that would help.  I have something I have been meaning to do for a long time and hoping to do it this year. Coming to this website and just even sharing your story with others could help a lot.  Think of all the people you could help.  Your story is powerful and it is possibly just what another person might need to hear to finally break from from this drug.  You have been blessed with the gift to help others so they don't have to go through what you're going through.  Some of us addicted to this drug are gone and will never get that chance.  You still have a chance to live a good life and you will get the help you need to fix this condition.  You could still be addicted, struggling, and not even aware you're heart is in danger.  All is not lost here.  You got this.  

 

Also, I love that you are going to school for Buddhist psychology!!  That is great!!!  I think this will so extremely helpful as you go through this challenge to be absorbing the buddhist teachings.  Maybe it was all meant to be.  Just remember you have a gift now and there are other people who will greatly benefit from what you have to share.  Take what happened and turn it into something positive.  You will get through this.  We are here to help you!

 

((Hugs))

[clp0001]

LILTEX41,

Thank you so so much. I'm printing what you wrote and putting it on my fridge as a reminder of the silver linings in my situation. You are truly very wise and I am so grateful that you took the time to write all of this.

Even though I've been in bed most of today again, I haven't been beating myself up over it like I was yesterday because your words have reminded me of the bigger picture. Im also realizing it's not the end of the world that I haven't left the house much all week and am eating tons of pizza and cookies. My partner reminded me that I have to be proud of myself that that's all I'm doing and that at least I'm not relapsing on Adderall or something just as damaging.

Also, reading more about you on your profile, I'm so happy for you and how far you are in your recovery. That's amazing that you have done all of those marathons! That's very inspiring!

With what you were saying about helping others with my story, do you have any suggestions for where and how I could do so? I read your story in Self which is amazing. I can relate to the psychosis so much. How else do you share your story?

Thank you again! (((Hugs)))

[LILTEX41]

LILTEX41,

Thank you so so much. I'm printing what you wrote and putting it on my fridge as a reminder of the silver linings in my situation. You are truly very wise and I am so grateful that you took the time to write all of this.

Even though I've been in bed most of today again, I haven't been beating myself up over it like I was yesterday because your words have reminded me of the bigger picture. Im also realizing it's not the end of the world that I haven't left the house much all week and am eating tons of pizza and cookies. My partner reminded me that I have to be proud of myself that that's all I'm doing and that at least I'm not relapsing on Adderall or something just as damaging.

Also, reading more about you on your profile, I'm so happy for you and how far you are in your recovery. That's amazing that you have done all of those marathons! That's very inspiring!

With what you were saying about helping others with my story, do you have any suggestions for where and how I could do so? I read your story in Self which is amazing. I can relate to the psychosis so much. How else do you share your story?

Thank you again! (((Hugs)))

Awe, I am so glad I could help!!  Thank you!!

 

Well, my first place I come to help others is this site.  I believe that helping others is honestly the biggest key to my recovery.  I look at a lot of my friends with long term sobriety even (like 15 years or more) and I see how much they helped others. I think this is crucial to staying clean.

 

Second, I am now a facilitator for Smart Recovery.  Another woman and myself started a face to face meeting in town and that has been going really well.  Before we started that meeting, I used to do a lot of online meetings with Smart through their website.  I just tried to help others during the meetings that were struggling.  And secretly, I've been wanting to write a book for a long time and I'm hoping to do that this year.  I just need to get focused and get on it.  After seeing the Today show clip last week, I realized there are a lot of people out there who need help so I think it's time.  

 

So glad you are feeling a little better and please keep us posted as to what you find out from the docs about your condition. Praying for the best!!

[clp0001]

Cool! Thanks for the suggestions. I was obsessed with writing and wrote half of a memoir while on Adderall that documented a lot of my struggles with the drug. But now that I'm off the drug, I haven't written to try to address what recovery is like or that it's possible. I've been too busy just trying to be able to do the dishes and take walks. Anyway, when you mentioned you want to write a book, it made me realize that I could try to write the second half of my book sober to try to help people. And I think you should start that book you've been wanting to write! You have so much amazing advice and wisdom. Seriously, reading some of your posts made me hope I can have such insight with clients someday when I'm a therapist which is the goal with the Buddhist Psych degree. You could even compile all of your posts on quititngadderall.com as a starting point for your book and then flesh out your ideas and the advice you've already thought of to help people on this site. Just my two cents.

[LILTEX41]

Omg, that would be an awesome book!!  The before and after story.  You should totally do that!  But I hear you about just taking walks and doing the dishes.  Not an easy process to go through by any means, but once you get over the hump it truly gets better and better.  So glad to hear you are going to go back to school and do something so meaningful for others.  I think that will be amazing.

 

That's so sweet of you to say that about my posts.  It's hard to know sometimes if what you say on here reaches other people or not as so many come and go, but it is always so rewarding to hear if anything I've written has actually helped someone else.  I often wonder if I send people the opposite direction by saying the wrong thing somehow, but for the most part I feel like it's been good.  It's weird how much this site has become like my little home over the years and it's been amazing to watch people get clean and get better.  I worry when people drift away though.  But yeah, I will definitely take your idea into consideration.  I think it's just a matter of getting the ball rolling and then momentum will come.  There are a lot of people who need help with this and it's not an easy solution, but we are living proof it can be done so that just along in itself should at least let others know it possible to get through it. 

 

Anyhow, hope your day is going well and have a good night!

[Doge]

I wish I had wise words of wisdom but LILTEX nailed it.  We're all thinking of you. <3

[clp0001]

Omg, that would be an awesome book!! The before and after story. You should totally do that! But I hear you about just taking walks and doing the dishes. Not an easy process to go through by any means, but once you get over the hump it truly gets better and better. So glad to hear you are going to go back to school and do something so meaningful for others. I think that will be amazing.

That's so sweet of you to say that about my posts. It's hard to know sometimes if what you say on here reaches other people or not as so many come and go, but it is always so rewarding to hear if anything I've written has actually helped someone else. I often wonder if I send people the opposite direction by saying the wrong thing somehow, but for the most part I feel like it's been good. It's weird how much this site has become like my little home over the years and it's been amazing to watch people get clean and get better. I worry when people drift away though. But yeah, I will definitely take your idea into consideration. I think it's just a matter of getting the ball rolling and then momentum will come. There are a lot of people who need help with this and it's not an easy solution, but we are living proof it can be done so that just along in itself should at least let others know it possible to get through it.

Anyhow, hope your day is going well and have a good night!

I think you're definitely helping a lot of people and when people drift away, it can also be for good reasons. Since getting clean, I've only reached out to this site twice both of which when I've been super struggling. So when I wasn't writing I was doing better than when I did write. But I'm going to try to stay involved more with the boards now. Thanks for the support about finishing my book. I hope to do that and am going to try to let it come naturally this time instead of forcing it to get done by using Adderall.

Have a good night! 🌻

[clp0001]

I wish I had wise words of wisdom but LILTEX nailed it. We're all thinking of you. <3

Thank you, Doge! That definitely means a lot and makes me not feel alone.