Help me forum - you're my only hope

[Speeder906]

I wasn't planning to post anything here, but there isn't anyone that I can turn to anymore. I don't know why I'm writing this. Maybe it's a cry for help, maybe it's a way to pass the time while coming down, either way, might be good to get it off my chest even if it's here. After all if anyone could understand it's the people here, right? (I'm two months from turning 21)

 

I've been on Adderall since September 2014 and got the script just before going to college. Not more than 3 months in, I was taking more than the 20mg/day (IR) limit frequently to pull all nighters, avoid eating, and spend long hours studying without breaks. It wasn't long before I  was sleeping every other day and isolating myself from everyone even the few friends I had that still kept in touch. Adderall helped distract me from my shyness and low self esteem with weight loss and a 4.0 gpa. My second quarter I wasn't getting the same effects so my psych upped my dosage to 30mg/day (IR) which helped for a while but I would still use more than I was supposed to in order to keep up the horrendous lifestyle I had developed my first quarter. I'd run out prematurely and have to take some time off the meds just to binge hard when the next one came. I had lost 50-60 lbs in a few short months, but I didn't feel healthy at all. Finished another quarter barely surviving the malnourishment, sleep deprivation, and plummeted self-worth.

Spooked by a panic attack, confusion spell, and giving a presentation tweaked out yet mentally so slow (slurring words, losing train of thought randomly), went to my psych to discontinue Adderall maybe try something else. Minutes later I'm handed a script for Adderall XR instead and a bottle of pills in my hand. Figured I'd try XR and maybe things will be better. Nope. Blew through the month's supply in one fucking week. Somehow I emailed her after I was out she switched me back to IR and I got another bottle to binge during spring break all by myself. 

Since then I haven't been the same. I've snaked back and forth from XR to IR because I'm a greedy fucking junkie I guess. I would return to school only to drop out by midterms do overwhelmed by the work load and the lack of Adderall that would help me complete it. For an entire month I would sit in my dorm room all day eating, sleeping, skipping class until officially dropping classes and moving back into my parent's house. I was fined a few thousand dollars and had to play it off to my folks as financial aid fucked me over and kicked me out. How could I tell them their son dropped out because I was overusing my medicine thats supposed to help me focus? 

September 2016.. Got enrolled in a community college while still working full time. Paying out of pocket. Still binging Adderall every month. Haven't averaged less than 100mg/daily in months by this point. By midterms I dropped out.. again. Partly due to Adderall but also didn't want to go to that school. Now i'm enrolled elsewhere, still paying out of pocket. Still abusing Adderall. Averaging 150mg-200mg daily. Can't remember when I had only 30mg like I should be. I've had practice taking Adderall breaks and have gotten good at coping. It's just the week before the refill that ruins me because I just remember the good things about the pills. Not the way it turns me into an anti-social asshole, how it makes me sweat like a pig while I'm at work, how it's caused me to compulsively crack/pop my ankle/foot bones.. I've never heard anyone doing that before so hopefully as often as I do it that it isn't too harmful. 

I don't know what I want to do from here. I'm averaging 150mg daily. I'm passed the point of making rules to last the month with Adderall. I have 12 pills left and I trust myself so little that the pills are in the emergency kit in the trunk of my car. Honestly I don't even know how much I've had today. I was set on taking today off as usual but nope. Here I am.Mindlessly writing the play by play of my addiction. It's odd but I feel better the closer to being out of pills I am after a binge and re-realizing the fucking hell that Adderall can put me though. I don't think I need advice on coping with withdrawal, but I think if anyone actually reads this long less, or if I even have the gaul to post it at all, maybe someone can shed a light on what my next step might be? Getting an outsider's take might be good because no one even knows the severity of my abusing and the aftermath of it.. Cause I sure as hell can't be very objective anymore.

 

Thanks for reading if you made it all the way through.

[Tom23Jones]

Your story and mine are very similar.  I progressed from 20mg per day to averaging 150mg daily.  At one point I had a script for (90) 20mg xrs per month and I was buying an additional 30-60 from a "friend".  I'd still run out in 2 weeks or less.  

The good thing is you sound like you aren't in denial about you're addiction and the control it has over you.  You admit that taking the prescribed dose would not work for you.  It took me a very long time to realize that.  I'd lie to myself month after month, year after year.

It sounds like you already know the best and only option.  Adderall has lost its magic and its time to give it up.  The vicious cycle of binging, being all tweaked out and anxious for a couple of weeks and then a couple weeks of withdrawl is not sustainable for anyone.  And its no way to live.  Its F*cking miserable!  

Don't get me wrong though.  Quitting isn't easy.  There are going to be some low times and its going to suck for awhile.  But since I quit 8 months ago, I haven't once ever regretted it.  I'm getting better with each and every month.

Good luck kid, you are a young guy or girl and you have the best years of your life ahead of you.

☮ ✌

[Frank B]

Man stories like this should be posted on college campus. Your in real deep and feel ashamed but can't stop. Have you told your parents what is going on? You need help don't feel guilty abusing a powerful drug that was given to you by a doctor they are the ones to blame. People at one time could get cocaine and morphine tablets from a Sears catalog. Now do you blame them for getting addicted or Sears? It's sort of the same thing doctors giving out adderal scripts know the dangers of abuse yet they still do it to anyone who says, " I have a hard time  concentrating , get distracted easily." Well who the fuck doesn't these days with smart phones instant access to unlimited info most which is just mindless bullshit. 

 Good news /bad news. Good news you've only been on it a couple years so over all recovery will probably be shorter vs most of us. Bad news your on a really high dosage the physical withdraw will be pretty harsh sounds like you have little control to no control so cold turkey is probably the only way to go if somehow you can get into a in house rehab clinic go be your best hope. Talk to your parents if you haven't get this part of your life over ASAP it's a long recovery but worth it really have no other options if you want a meaningful life vs being a speed addict. 

[Tom23Jones]

2 hours ago, Frank B said:

Man stories like this should be posted on college campus.

You are so right about this Frank.  I've thought a lot about possibly speaking on these issues at college campuses or at least doing something to spread awareness about how powerful and dangerous this drug is.  But I want to be farther along in recovery and have more examples in my life of success after adderall.

Its crazy how liberal these docs are with prescribing these strong stimulants.  Almost every friend or family member I have that has went to college has at least experimented with adderall.  Luckily the majority of them didn't become full blown dependent on it.

It makes me sick how these docs give this $hit out like its candy.  I know for a fact some of the doctors I used to visit knew I was abusing the drugs but they'd still up my dosage.  I'd be in the docs office completely tweaked out but still leave with more of that poison.  What a joke, I don't know how they sleep at night.

[Speeder906]

Thank you Frank and Tom. Your words meant a lot to wake up to read this morning. Today is going to be the last day of my binge because after taking 100mg for my two classes today I realized adderall doesnt even fucking help me focus.. just makes me more distracted it seems like. I haven't been in school for a while and the last time I was (this time I plan on actually finishing not dropping out again) and its so weird to face that reality because I can recall being so engaged in class and so interested in everything, just to two years later feeling the exact opposite way as I sat in class and didn't say a word to anyone, even going out of my way to avoid eye contact with everyone too. I'm really self aware of this problem and how much pain it's causing me.. and I think that fact alone is the worst part of all. 

 

When I was in class i saw a flyer for student counseling services including specifically substance abuse counseling. Idk if its just the adderall making tons of connections but seeing that flyer felt like a sign to seek professional help instead of continually trying to fight this addiction on my own without involving anyone else. I don't know what will come of it, and of myself because this evening I'll be crashing from 120mg and starting the withdrawal from my 6 day binge my entire month's supply. I'll use this post as encouragement to NOT order that new refill, which will be much easier said than done but thank you again. 

[Frank B]

This time is your last u need to make drastic steps to beat this. If you have the outlook that maybe you will maybe you won't call in that new script adderal already won. You must make sure you have no access to that new script if you have one in writing burn that shit. Check out the campus counseling or find a local NA meeting it's free.  It's hard and scary thought to quit for good I know but u can do this I was on this shit for years plus oxyContin and Xanax quit it all for a year plus now its possible. 

[Tom23Jones]

12 hours ago, Frank B said:

This time is your last u need to make drastic steps to beat this. If you have the outlook that maybe you will maybe you won't call in that new script adderal already won. You must make sure you have no access to that new script if you have one in writing burn that shit. Check out the campus counseling or find a local NA meeting it's free.  It's hard and scary thought to quit for good I know but u can do this I was on this shit for years plus oxyContin and Xanax quit it all for a year plus now its possible. 

I agree 100%.  You have to mentally really commit to being done forever.  I know how hard that is though, I let the addiction go on for about 7-8 years too long.  I think it would help if you tell at least told one person close to you what you are going through and let them know you are quitting.  It felt so awesome when I finally made up my mind and told my wife I was abusing adderall and I ripped up my next two months worth of scripts.  It was scary as fu*k but at the same time it felt so good to take back control of my own life VS. the strangle hold adderall had on me.  I also gave her the phone number of my dealer who I was buying extra addies from.  I told her that if that phone number ever pops up on the phone bill then that means I relapsed.  

I also highly recommend NA meetings.  It will seem like a cult atmosphere initially and maybe like you don't belong. You might even have to try a couple different meetings to find the one that is the right fit for you but once you do, you'll realize those addicts in recovery have so much experience, strength, and hope to share with you.