My Full Story

[Rachel]

I had almost ten years clean and sober before I relapsed. I had stopped going to meetings, and that time away gave my addiction plenty of time to grow unchecked and take over. 

I discovered Adderall during my addiction to pain killers in the end of 2015. I was at the point where doctors would not prescribe them to me anymore and I had lost my insurance, so I was asking anyone and everyone I knew if they had any. One of my friends told me to come over, and when she handed me her Norco, she also gave me a little case filled with blue pills. Enter Adderall. I had ADHD and had been diagnosed in childhood, but my mom didn't want me on pills, so I was never treated for it. I figured I could finally get the help I actually needed, and I didn't have health insurance at the time, so I felt totally justified. She told me I should try them because they would give me energy. At the time, I was way more exhausted than usual and having trouble keeping up with my crazy schedule. My life was already falling apart due to the painkiller addiction, but of course I never attributed it to that. Little did I know I was so tired because I was pregnant. If only I hadn't been so out of it.

At first, I didn't take the Adderall because I had heard horror stories about it. It scared me, I didn't want to take it without the supervisor of a doctor. But then one day my pain pills ran out, and I started to go into withdrawal. Well, I didn't have time for that, so I decided to take half of a 10 mg. Adderall. It felt OK, but I liked the pain pills better. Nevertheless, it got me up and going, and I felt a whole heck of a lot better.

I continued to take the Addy at 20 mg. When I got my pain pills back, I discovered the absolute heaven of mixing narcotoc pain killers and Adderall. God, I wish I had never experienced that. It took a hold of me, and I was determined to not let go. I felt the best I ever had in my life. Not only was I filled with energy, I had ZERO pain. But the best part was how euphoric I felt, I could handle anything and I loved everyone. It was a compete turn around from the angry woman I used to be. People were happily surprised at my transformation. The sinking feeling of depression left, and I could face all my previously insurmountable problems, like massive debt. I had found the solution, finally, to all my problems. 

However, the addiction was snowballing, and I needed more. My friend didn't want to give me anymore, because I was asking for it every other day. She told me I was taking too much, but I assured her it was just because I had a "high tolerance for these things." She stopped giving them to me, and I also ran out of sources for pain pills.

Pain pills were still my first love, so I asked around and was introduced to a dealer. He couldn't get th pain pills, but the Adderall wasn't an issue. He proceeded to rip me off for almost a year straight, and he was my lifeline. I wasted buckets of money I didn't have on this stuff, I even ended up selling very important stuff to get money for drugs.

Due to my awful behavior, my father had cut me off for awhile. I didn't have health insurance, so I couldn't get a script. 

As my life became more difficult because I wasn't addressing my problems, I took more and more Adderall. I reached a point where I no longer wanted pain killers, only Adderall. I couldn't function without it, and one day it turned on me. I was no longer the happier person like I was in the beginning, I had transformed into a paranoid junkie. I was slowly losing it. One day I suffered a psychotic break that my fiancé was able to talk me down from, but that wasn't enough to stop me. It was infringing upon my professional life, and I looked horrible...skinny and old with bad skin. I was very unhealthy, but I didn't care. 

I finally got health insurance and a script for Adderall. I would run out of it way too early, and then withdraw and white knuckle it for a few weeks. It was en endless cycle, I didn't have any control. I lived for the day my script would be filled, and wouldn't schedule anything unless I knew I would have my drugs. But I was losing it more and more each day. I would be up for nights on end, hardly eating. I still didn't care. I started making up stories in my head about my fiancé cheating on me with my friends, and it ended up ruining those friendships! I cut them out of my life due to my warped thinking. I was driving people away one by one and didn't know it. I was trapped in my own psycho reality. I was going to lose everything.

After getting a three months supply of Adderall, I promptly started to go through it at a rapid pace. 4 days in, I was already down my bottle of IR and half way through my XR. I still had two months left that I needed! I couldn't buy from the dealer anymore, because my fiancé refused to go down that route again. You would think I would have stopped for a few days. Oh no. I was so far gone, that I went into psychosis. This time, I was convinced the FBI was after me and my life was over, so I finished the rest of the Adderall because I thought those were my last moments of freedom. That put me in further psychosis and I blacked out in hallucination for two days in the ER. Then I was 5150'd. I finally "came to" on my way to the psych ward, when the young driver let me use my phone. I texted my dad all this crazy stuff from my hallucination: That I had HIV and every other deadly disease, that my fiancé left me for another woman and gave her my ring, that I was on death row and the worst criminal in history...the list goes on. He told me I was nuts and that's when I realized I had taken too much Adderall and it all wasn't real. 

It still took a few days for me to trust that I was really in a psych ward and not in a fake setting created by the FBI to get me to confess to my "crimes." Yes, it was that bad. My fiancé had to visit me there for an hour a day. I felt so badly he had to see me like that, but I was just so grateful I still had him. He stuck by my side and only wanted me to get better, he never got angry with me. He really is the best guy in the world. 

I was in the psych ward for four days, and then entered an outpatient program. I slowly have been making progress, and am 51 days clean today. It's hard to believe, because I did not think I could survive without Adderall. 

I have finally taken care of a lot of the problems that had been haunting me. It's funny, I thought the Adderall would help me get things done, but it just made me concentrate on things that weren't important. I spent nights filling notebooks empty worthless babble and researching nonsense on the internet instead of doing school work and making a plan for my debt. 

My fiancé and I got our marriage license a couple weeks ago, and I started exercising again this week. I am finishing my last class before I finally graduate this May. My relationship with my dad has improved 100 percent, and I am remembering the great person I actually am when I am not filled with drugs. I am getting my life back, and I can actually feel things now!

This drug almost robbed me of everything. I am so lucky. And yet, I still have cravings to use it. It is a powerful, cunning, and baffling drug. But one day at a time, I am making progress on rebuilding my life. I hope I can make it. I wish you all nothing but the best, and I hope my story can help you stay away from this crazy drug. 

 

[NotToday]

Thanks for sharing your story. I feel like all of us share so much in common! Stay strong! 

[KimR]

Thanks for sharing and congratulations on quitting! 

Isn't it nice living for something other than your refill day? I'm trying to taper down now, and I can't wait till I'm not dependant on this stupid drug anymore. 

[Sossi]

Wow Rachel - you are amazing. I hope you never go back. I was prescribed Dexedrine in 2010 and then Vyvanse. I've been trying to quit since September 2015. It's 13 days now. Thanks for telling your story so well. It really really helps me see how important it is to stay off for good - one day at a time. Stimulants really suck! 

[Rachel]

Hey guys,

I am still doing well--77 days off Adderall. I don't know if you have seen my other post, but I was prescribed Concerta by my doctor in my chemical dependency program. I have been fine and taking it as directed, and have no desire to abuse it. In fact, I really don't feel any high from it, just an increased level of concentration. It is nothing compared to what Adderall is, in my opinion. I also get it perscribed a week at a time. 

I do not recommend or support going on a different kind of stimulant after abusing Adderall. Yes, the Concerta does help my ADHD symptoms, but honestly it isn't that much of a difference from when I was not taking anything. I think the work I am doing, and the healthy habits I am developing in my recovery are paying off. I don't need stimulants, and you don't either.

[bluemoon]

Rachel, I still can't believe they prescribed you concerta. You're 77 days clean of adderall yes, but you're still taking a stimulant. To me, it is still the same thing. It will lead to the same problems. That's too bad. I wish you all the best in your quest to recovery.