quitting adderall and being a mom

[Jennifer0614]

Im curious if anyone on here is a mother? Or a father. No offense. In my experience even when my sons father is right next to him, im the one he calls on. But I do know there are great fathers too. Being a mother has played the biggest part in my addiction. Im not at all saying that being a mother caused me to pop an adderall that first time. Or that I put any blame on my child. But my addiction from the very beginning made me believe that I was a better mother on adderall. That my son was happier when I was on it. I remember when i first started suspecting I had a problem. This thought came through my mind " addicted or not, im going to do what i have to do to be the best mom. As long as hes happy, i dont care if it kills me." of course now i know that was totally ridiculous. But thats how I justified my taking 120 to 200 mgs of adderall every day. But he is also the reason i want to stop for good. I dont want my son to have a pill head mom. But I think alot of times i beat myself up too much and push myself too soon after quitting to be this energetic, happy, super mom who always has her makeup on and hair done and doesn't eat and drinks 2 pots of coffee a day to wash her adderall down. I slowly start having thoughts after i quit that I am a disgrace as a mother. I dont have a clue what im doing. Im lazy. I need to be up doing things and teaching him things and im just a fat nasty selfish person who doesn't deserve to have a child. Social services should take him away. As crazy as it sounds i believe that so much that it has kept me from asking for help because I am terrified cps is going to be called and take him away. I mean really????? But at the time i truly believe that. I work a full time job on top of having a 3 year old. I get off at 10 at night and its always after midnight before i fall asleep. I have never been lazy. Its crazy how addiction can use your child to get to you. Use your weakness against you. Not to mention how hard it is to have the energy for a toddler when your withdrawing. Its hard not to pop another one when your brain is telling you what an abusive mother you are for being tired and not freaking June Cleaver. 

 

[KimR]

You have a medical problem. You're addicted to pills that a doctor prescribes you. No one is going to take your kid away if you seek help. It sounds to me like you're a good mother who wants what is best for her child. 

[Jennifer0614]

Thank you so much for that! If I could just keep believing it myself! Lol. I do, but very briefly. Its crazy, alot of the fear and negative feelings I get about myself as a mom, they kinda have alot to do with my childhood and experiencing some pretty unfair stuff. I get worried that I will cause my son the pain and hurt that I experienced and still do at 34. I somehow started believing that as long as i had adderall i was the perfect, in control mother.

[KimR]

I think this drug is the "mommy's little helper" of our generation. I have tons of friends who swear by these pills. 

When you try quitting you almost feel selfish. I can't lay on the couch and wait to feel better — another human being is counting on me to take care of them. Being a mom is tough.

 Life is tough. 

I love that feeling I get when my husband gets off work and the house is spotless, my kid is happy, and I have enough energy to cater to his every need. 

But we can't go on like this. Every day we continue to take these pills we lose ourselves a bit. 

I miss the old me. 

[Jennifer0614]

I know exactly what you mean. Ive tried explaining that to my sons father/boyfriend. He gets mad that i keep on abusing them but he isnt supportive when I try to steer clear of them. Not that its his job to make me feel good enough. But he just doesn't get it. It makes me think about how unfair the world can be to women. Alot is expected of us. I have had daddy issues for a long time too. Lol. And it makes things harder. What i mean is my father left when I was 3 and ive been looking for him ever since. I didn't realize that until the last couple years though. I always had to have a boyfriend or at least have a guy "want me". Even if it was just sexual. I got my identity and worthiness from guys. Without one i was nobody. I was clingy and possessive. Then I got to a point where I had been hurt so much that I swore off love and hated men. I had "booty calls" but that was it. No emotion involved. But when my boyfriend came along something in me wanted to try. I wanted love. We have been together 5 years but I am terrified of him leaving every day. To the point that my worries have caused problems. I have this belief that adderall makes me the perfect woman. As long as I can keep the house spotless and get tons done and handle our son and the house and bills and laundry and work and barely eat plus have energy to keep my hair and makeup done then he will never leave me right????? But I think ive had that sick belief most of my life. That I have to be perfect to be loved. 

[olivia115]

I’m there with you 100%. I get scared too about cps, even though inherently I know that’s not going to happen. My goal is for a happy healthy well adjusted family. I’ve learned that this is incompatible while on adderall for me...even though no one knew. I need to learn how to adult and parent and you can’t do that extra efficiently bc you’re either high, withdrawing, or jonseing for your next high. Being a mom is so hard, esp these days; we have the weight on our shoulders if anything ever goes wrong. The time, energy, guilt of lying and hiding something so obvious is exhausting. I’m exhausted. What Mom isn’t?

[anon]

" addicted or not, im going to do what i have to do to be the best mom. As long as hes happy, i dont care if it kills me."  is not ridiculous. You're not a disgrace. You are loved.