When doing the bare minimum is not enough

[NotToday]

I have to admit that I have, to my own surprise, been able to make it 10 months with VERY little output at work. I luckily had a great reputation and a very good relationship with my boss, so my first few months back from rehab, no one bothered me too much. I've managed to avoid as many assignments as possible, and basically my routine has been procrastinate for several days, maybe even weeks, then realize I need to put something out and get a burst of motivation under pressure and push out something that looks like it could have legitimately taken awhile to produce. This has been working just fine, and while I do miss the feeling of daily productivity, my main objective this past year has been to just survive.

Unfortunately, I've just been assigned a huge project that requires me to lead a team of senior management. Adderall me would have jumped at the opportunity, but the real me is literally full of dread. I cannot bullshit my way through this, and I am almost paralyzed with anxiety on how I'm going to get through it. I can't even seem to produce an action plan/timeline. These are the kinds of things that make me realize just how far down the wrong path adderall has taken me. Adderall made me think I enjoyed this shit, but the reality is I cannot fucking stand it. I keep hoping that if I can just stick it out that maybe it won't be so bad. I can't afford a pay cut so I'm pretty much stuck for the time being anyways. I feel like I would do so much better in a career like nursing, I would just be busy all day and when I left, the work day would end. I wouldn't have these projects that I take home with me and that stress me out for months on end. I never enjoyed school so the fact that adderall made me think I would enjoy an office job still baffles me. There is no real purpose to this point, but I suppose I just wanted to get that out!

[Frank B]

O you can bullshit anything hell you can become president doing that. Well I can say doing what you enjoy helps. I drive around listing to podcast of hvac talk that's how big of dork I'am but enjoy what I do. At 10 months in I was not feeling that way yet.

[NotToday]

I suppose that's true. I guess we will see how it goes. That is a bit encouraging that you still didn't feel that way at 10 months. Adderall seriously made me so enthusiasti about my job, I was always taking on new projects and was probably the most engaged employee they'd ever seen. I happily worked overtime and even came in on the weekends. Lol! It's like the complete opposite now, I'm pretty much always the last one in, leave as soon as I can, always taking lunches, always saying I'm too busy for more work etc... I feel like I am slowly burning through the reputation that I had built on adderall. I think they were giving me the benefit of the doubt, but I need to get my shit together here soon. 

[Subtracterall]

You CAN BS your way through this and you WILL BS your way through this.  I could have written this same post myself sans the part about the big assignment and I've only been off addy for 4 months. What Frank said when I made a similar post a while back really helps me and I think about it almost daily - thanks Frank. The flipping president of the U.S. can BS his way through the job...so I can too. Will some people suspect I don't know what I'm doing?  Maybe, probably, but I won't admit it unless I get caught making a mistake, which does happen sometimes. After all we are human and so is that senior management team you are working with. Who knows maybe they are going through a similar crisis in their lives or maybe their son or daughter is. They may be so distracted by their own inner struggle that they may not even have the ability to notice anything is "off". Also I remind myself that although I work with a lot of very intelligent people, there are also a decent number of people who are not as smart as me. So that cuts the number of people that I need to impress in half.  I hope you keep us posted on how things go.  You may find that people like what you do when you are not on addy.  Since I quit, I've turned in work that was not my best and been praised for it. I am going to ride this gravy train (job) until they kick my arse out lol. Fake it till you make it and don't give up.  You can do it. 

[NotToday]

Thanks @Subtracterall. Faking it has gotten me this far so I'm sure it can carry me on in the future. I just hate that I still have like zero confidence since quitting. My ego was so inflated on adderall it's ridiculous lol! These forums have been my lifeline and it's such a relief to know that what were all going through is normal and that we can make it out the other side! Thanks for the encouragement  

[NotToday]

I put a game plan together and presented it to my VP today. She really liked it so meeting with CIO next to discuss next steps. I'm actually kind of excited to get this project underway now because I think it will be a really big milestone for me in my quit and gaining confidence in my abilities post adderall.  Sorry for all of my dramatic posts, but I can't say there's won't  be more! Lol

I don't know why I still get so overwhelmed by things but I have noticed that when presented with a difficult task I still have this "must do it in the most epic way possible' mindset like I did on adderall. I have to keep reminding myself to just do what is asked and nothing more. I hope this reaction fades with time...

[Dani36]

On 5/10/2017 at 7:09 PM, Nicole88 said:

I have to admit that I have, to my own surprise, been able to make it 10 months with VERY little output at work. I luckily had a great reputation and a very good relationship with my boss, so my first few months back from rehab, no one bothered me too much. I've managed to avoid as many assignments as possible, and basically my routine has been procrastinate for several days, maybe even weeks, then realize I need to put something out and get a burst of motivation under pressure and push out something that looks like it could have legitimately taken awhile to produce. This has been working just fine, and while I do miss the feeling of daily productivity, my main objective this past year has been to just survive.

Unfortunately, I've just been assigned a huge project that requires me to lead a team of senior management. Adderall me would have jumped at the opportunity, but the real me is literally full of dread. I cannot bullshit my way through this, and I am almost paralyzed with anxiety on how I'm going to get through it. I can't even seem to produce an action plan/timeline. These are the kinds of things that make me realize just how far down the wrong path adderall has taken me. Adderall made me think I enjoyed this shit, but the reality is I cannot fucking stand it. I keep hoping that if I can just stick it out that maybe it won't be so bad. I can't afford a pay cut so I'm pretty much stuck for the time being anyways. I feel like I would do so much better in a career like nursing, I would just be busy all day and when I left, the work day would end. I wouldn't have these projects that I take home with me and that stress me out for months on end. I never enjoyed school so the fact that adderall made me think I would enjoy an office job still baffles me. There is no real purpose to this point, but I suppose I just wanted to get that out!

I get it. While heavily Adderall induced, I would apply to new jobs (only to quickly glance over the descriotion), get called in for an interview, nail the interview, get hired, run out of Adderall and sober up and realize that pushing papers all day was pure hell. 

[NotToday]

Bahahhhaha oh god, I can't even count the number of jobs I applied for and even those I went through with interviews for. My adderall fueled ego made me think I was invincible. Funny thing, though, is i never could take any of the opportunities because I knew how far gone I was in my addiction that at least in my current company I knew what I could get away with. I did, however, on TWO occasions threaten my boss that i would leave unless they matched the salary offers. Adderall is one hell of a drug, that's for sure lmao.