About to lose it all

[dave516]

My wife was diagnosed with ADHD almost 20 years ago. At first, I dipped into her Dexedrine bottles on weekends when we were out clubbing so I could be the life of the party. In 2009, the company I worked for switched from random urine tests to random hair tests. I was forced to find my own doctor and my own prescription if I were going to continue to use amphetamines. I found my own Adderall script and my weekend warrior ways continued.

I was training for a 1/2 marathon in 2014 and a training buddy told me that Adderall was the key to running long distances. Now, in addition to my weekend use, I started taking Adderall before all of my training runs.

It was a simple jump (at least to me) if Adderall could help me train better, it could help me work better. If it could help me work better, it could help me....

Over the past few months, life has come full circle. I am back to raiding my wife's bottle to for a few pills for the weekend. Only now I raid her bottle because I have used all of mine. She is starting to notice the missing pills and my excuses about giving mine to friends is running thin.

On the weekends, I take a lot of Adderall, run long distances, and stay up late drinking with friends. On the Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, I take a small dose to get through work and then I come home and sleep. On Thursday, I take a large dose to run and cover miles. On Friday, the weekend starts and so does this miserable cycle I find myself trapped in.

My children seem like a burden, a nuisance. They get in the way of my buzz or my sleep. I have no control over my temper now and I explode over the smallest transgressions. My oldest child really needs my guidance at this point in life and I am either speeding, sleeping or jonesing. I look back and try to pinpoint the day where my priorities got so messed up but the look back seems so hazy.

Everything I love and have worked for feels like its slipping away. My wife, my children, and my career all seem to be on shaky ground. Even if I make changes now, I'm not sure I can save the life I knew.

I've been having suicidal thoughts of late. Nothing acute, but more the "what if" kind of thoughts. I have a beautiful family and beautiful children, a lot to fight for, and a life worth saving if only for my boys. Last night, as I tried to explain to my wife why our checking account was overdrawn and why her debit card was rejected while she was out black Friday shopping with her friends, I started looking for help and I found this site.

Thanks to all of you who have shared your stories here. I have read many of them and will read any more. For the first time in a long time, the word 'hope' is starting to bubble just below the surface and I realize for the first time, other people have been through this and survived.

And now my journey begins.

[quit-once]

welcome @dave516.  I remember getting to where you are at during my addiction experience.  Somewhere between only using it on the weekends and requiring about 3-4 pills daily in order to function, with more on the weekends.  I continued taking adderall another two years or so.  I hope you are able to kick it sooner that I did - those last two years of adderall were hellish for me.  Please don't loose it all, Dave.  Quit while you have the good sense to make it happen.

[EricP]

Once you quit you will find your anger outbursts diminish greatly in the matter of days! However you will be fatigued. Running will be a great tool no matter how unmotivated you are even running 1-2 mikes will help a lot. Tapering off will be likely a better option. Cut doses in half then slowly skip days would be what I wish I had done. Stopping cold turkey was really bad for me. 

Matter that it's just about making it one day at a time. The first 6mo are pretty hard, recovery is different for everybody however seems pretty consistent that people feel nearly back to Norma around a year of quitting. Please post your questions and progress even if you fail, this forum is very compassionate and helpful.

Best of luck to you! 

[Frank B]

They key to a massive heart attack is taking adderall and running long distances. I work out way more now vs on addy but whenever I did felt my heart about to explode. My kids were one of the main reasons I quit even though on addy many times I’d be up all night like a mad scientist making some crazy electronic thing for them to play with. But overall they needed me vs some stupid gadget I created staying up all night building that was my thing on addy my shop lights never shut off. But I had a lot of regrets many weekends I’d skip going to the park with them over working in my shop and did that for several years. You may feel after stopping your a worse parent for awhile but don’t let that burden you. Yes you’ll be struggling awhile but in the long run it will benefit you and your kids in so many ways. Good luck visit this site often.