My wake-up call

[Groundhogdaze]

Hi,

I apparently set up an account some time ago and I don't even remember doing so. I have been taking Adderall and also often abusing it, since 2000 and I am now convinced this addiction is why I ended my marriage to a loving husband. I was in the throes of one of the stages; irritable, blaming, angry, depressed, anxious, confused, no motivation, living only to take the dose in the morning, and feeling the problems were my spouse's fault.

I have been able to free myself from Adderall about three or four times but never permanently. 

I am currently unable to hold a job although I have a master's degree and I don't know myself.  I can't make the simplest decision.   I have become so depressed and anxious that I decided to try one more time to get off Adderall, about two or so weeks ago.   

The first time I went off, I was in rehab for something else and it was incidental to the other rehab. I was in Arizona and it was January. My bleeding painful fingertips healed while I was there and when I got home, I figured it was the warm, dry, weather. I eventually, rather quickly, got back on Adderall. 

Now, four years later, I'm free of Adderall for about one or two weeks; having tried to wean down the dose. I never attributed it to Adderall, but my feet and toes hurt and my thumb and fingertips had painful, bleeding, cracks/fissures that made it hard to hold a pen or type.  So...two weeks into this experiment, now taking 30 mg/day of Cymbalta due to extreme depression, I notice...fissures are completely closed and healing like some magic thing happened! And it's winter and it's 0 degrees and I'm NOT in Arizona. I'm in the same weather that caused me to need gloves all the time and no amount of lotion would sooth the cracks. Oh, I also am now pre-diabetic and there is no diabetes in my family, I weigh 127#, and I eat green smoothies and whole grains, white meat chicken, a little chocolate now and then, etc. It's just weird. 

I looked up this site and wow, read the stages of adderall addiction and now I know why my anxiety has been off the charts.  I had all of it; almost into the final brain damage phase. It's terrifying to me because even knowing how shitty I feel on Adderall, I am not sure I can abstain in the future.  I was never able to stop it for more than a few days; a few weeks if lucky; and the one time, while in rehab for 10 weeks. 

I have to stay on this forum. I was at NA a few months ago and gave up trying to quit; getting that relief from use with the first dose; then the second day, no sleep and feeling shitty again. Then telling myself, those addicts are abusing Heroine and Meth and they will laugh at me if I tell them I'm trying to stay off adderall.  In fact, once someone told me, if you have ADHD, you don't need to stop it and it's ok; not an addiction.   This roller coaster has to stop. I just want to work and not feel so terrified all the time. 

Thanks to anyone reading and please comment if you have any thoughts. I feel unmotivated, insecure, indecisive, and very scattered.

Thank you! 

[SleepyStupid]

hi Groundhogdaze,

first, i love your username! don't know if this was the inspiration for it it, but living an addiction definitely feels like reliving the same day over and over. it's miserable, and it seems like no matter what you try, it ends up the same. however... most of us on this board are living proof that this is not true. 

anyway, welcome back to the forum! looks like you posted here about a year ago.. glad to see that you are still actively trying to quit. has anything changed since last year? from that last year post, it sounded like you weren't even sure whether you wanted to quit or not. also curious whether you have completely stopped the benzos and anti-d? i'm assuming the benzos were the reason for the rehab stint, but from what i understand, that is a TOUGH one and you made it out the other side!

it sounds like at your level of abuse, there will never be a safe way to use adderall. the decision is made for you. you've experienced the physical effects.. if it's doing visible damage on the outside, just imagine what is happening on the inside. therefore, the two most important things now are:

*have you cut off all sources? - this includes your doctor, friends, etc.

*do you have a base of support? - can you take the time you need to make it through at least the first few months without worrying about work, supporting yourself, etc.

[Bethany]

You're definitely not unmotivated because your addressing a serious issue that has changed your life.

Insecure, no, you shared your experience.  That is brave.

Indecisive, making a decision to stay on this forum for support is a step in the right direction.

Scattered, your thoughts and feeling were expressed well so obviously matters of importance allow you to articulate.

Writing this, I hope, gives you the support to keep going forward in the direction you wish your life to become.  Wish you much success and I'm in the same place you are so you're not alone.