My little secret

[Lovebear]

My adderall y abuse and my journey of recovery has been a complete secret. I abused for 1 year, have been off of it for 20 months, and I haven’t told anyone I’m close to about it. This secret has become a boulder in my mind. It’s right there all the time. I wish I could tell my parents, but I put them through so much shit with drug abuse and rehab in high school and the years after, and they really thought I was better. I’ve seen them heal so much after the heartbreak of almost losing their daughter- I don’t think I could break their hearts again by admitting that from the fall of 2015 to the fall of 2016 I was dousing my brain daily with bourgeois tweak. But the problem is that this secret has grown in my mind. I now feel like I can’t talk normally with anyone. I feel very far away, very seperate. Ive lost my ability to relate to people and I think a part of this is the fact that I always feel like I am hiding something. How do I tell my story? I’m super ashamed!! i don’t even know where to start. When someone I trust asks me how I am, I lie to them!!! I don’t know how to tell the truth. I seriously need to begin telling my story, but when I start to talk about it my nervous system loses its shit, I become flush in the face and totally dissociate. I’m in deep shit here. Super blocked. Quitting adderall is more than just not using adderall. I’ve accomplished the not using part!!! Go me!! But there’s this whole other part!!!!  I love you guys on this forum. I lurk here all the time. I have to start talking. 

[OnSomething]

Lovebear,

First of all, congrats on 20 months off of Adderall! You really should be proud for fighting the good fight. As for sharing your story, I think there’s something empowering about being honest and willing to share your mistakes with others. I think it helps you realize you have the power over the drug. It’s up to you on how much detail you want to share, but I know it’s never as bad to the other person hearing it as it is you’d think. If someone judges you for your story, it just means they haven’t been through many hardships in life. Your parents will always be scared of you using again, but it’s not like your in the dead middle of it- it sounds like this addiction is dead. That’s pretty awesome, I think your parents would feel comforted knowing you not only beat another drug but are open about it. You are a human, so are they.

[SleepyStupid]

as @OnSomething  said, there certainly is something empowering about owning your condition. i think where you need to be careful is letting it define your identity. like those people who advertise their condition on Facebook, it simply becomes who they are. i'm not saying that doesn't work for some people, but i think most people perceive that as attention-seeking. you don't want to be that person.

i think in your particular situation, there's a balance that can be had. no one needs to know the whole truth, but if someone asks how you're doing: "i'm doing okay. could be better. i went through some personal shit last year so still recovering from that."  most people will respect your privacy when you phrase it like that, and won't probe any deeper, but your response is honest and universal enough that anyone can relate to "going through shit".

at the risk of sounding facetious, being mysterious and damaged is attractive in it's own way, isn't it? (: