Popular Post SamJo Posted April 15, 2018 Popular Post Report Share Posted April 15, 2018 I'm going to try and make this short and sweet but my words might get carried away. Basically I have been on and off this site for a whole year and i just found the strength and will to post and introduce myself. I quit vyvanse 3 months ago and let me tell you, its been the worst 3 months of my life, BUT, today when I woke up I finally felt hope and happiness and clear minded and I just FELT. I am so sad that this has what my life has become but I am working on forgiving myself everyday. I was on adderall/vyvanse for about 10 years, it mainly started because of my eating disorder when I was 17 but I began abusing it in college to study for exams and then after college I thought I would quit but I got a job and blah blah blah im sure you guys have heard this type of story a million times. ANYWAYS, the last 2 years I was abusing vyvanse very badly, I made a lot of big changes in my life and tried to mask the pain of situations I hadn't dealt with. I tried to quit all last year and I wouldn't take it for a few days but then I would go on a bender and take 5 or 6 30mg vyvanse in one night and drinking on it just to feel alive. I have heart issues because of my eating disorder when I was younger so abusing it this badly really takes a toll on my body. I'm an actor in LA and sometimes the vyvanse even helped me get to places I needed to go for my character but it wasn't healthy. One night I took so many vyvanse I was scared to go to sleep and ended up taking a bar of xanax and the next few days after that I felt so off and like my brain wasn't working that I told myself I would never take a vyvanse again. I honestly don't even crave it anymore because of how bad it fucked with my brain. I couldn't think straight for two days and then I just drank and smoked weed to hide from what was happening. I really thought I messed up my brain for good but after a month I realized i was just going through hardcore withdrawals. Its been three months now and I've gained almost 15 pounds, have done nothing but eat and lay in bed wanting to die. I even tried to slit my wrists so deep so I could bleed to death but my boyfriend came home and stopped me (he is to his breaking point with me). My thoughts are probley everywhere right now lol im trying to make this as short as possible but there are so many things to say. The main reason im posting is to say that TODAY, i felt ALMOST normal again. I haven't been able to feel feelings for three months, I've hated everyone and everything, i have been so depressed i just wanted to die so badly. I haven't been able to think straight or clearly, I feel like i had no opinions or ideas of my own and that I was just going to lay as a vegetable forever. I turned down every acting job because I can't act worth shit anymore and if i can't live my passion i don't want to be alive at all. But today I feel joy because its the first day i feel somewhat like myself, and that ill get through this, and that my life isn't over, and that I don't want to die. Okay my rant is over lol but I hope everyday keeps getting better because wanting to die is the scariest thing and I hope I never get back to that place and I hope I recover 100%. I don't want to hurt anymore people that love me. Anyways, my name is Sam, I would love to talk to some of you on here about your journey and have people to connect with because feeling alone is the worst. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danquit Posted May 1, 2018 Report Share Posted May 1, 2018 Welcome Sam, the journey is long and hard but if you keep coming here and sharing, we will be here to offer help. It is the best decision in your life to quit. Stick with it and eventually things do get better. It just takes forever, don't give up and don't get back on vyvanse, it's not worth it. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SamJo Posted May 4, 2018 Author Report Share Posted May 4, 2018 @Danquit thank you! I’m just worried because reading about PAWS some websites say that ppl do never go back to normal bc of brain damage but I’ve only read that on one site and freaked myself out. I’m beginning month 4, yesterday I talked a lot and had a lot of opinions on things to say but today I feel like saying nothing and talking to no one and the only thing that helps is a glass of wine or a Xanax. I’m over thissssss. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danquit Posted May 4, 2018 Report Share Posted May 4, 2018 16 hours ago, SamJo said: @Danquit thank you! I’m just worried because reading about PAWS some websites say that ppl do never go back to normal bc of brain damage but I’ve only read that on one site and freaked myself out. I’m beginning month 4, yesterday I talked a lot and had a lot of opinions on things to say but today I feel like saying nothing and talking to no one and the only thing that helps is a glass of wine or a Xanax. I’m over thissssss. I used to think that too in my early days but I just stayed off regardless, even if I do n’t go back to normal, at least I won’t be on Amphetamines. Now at two years clean, I can honestly tell you that I feel back to normal. I mean, I don’t know how I would be if I never took the stuff, but I do feel like my old self again. I’m kinda lazy, I have my humor back, I eat, I sleep, I work, I socialize, I am living my life and that’s what you’ll have if you stay off the vyvanse. There is no need to be whacked out on speed to live your life. We are here to experience the world and to have relationships and to have a little fun. Amphetamines will rob you of that and turn you into an uncaring, selfish, antisocial, manic, robot that thinks you’re the shit when in reality you are a lunatic. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SamJo Posted May 4, 2018 Author Report Share Posted May 4, 2018 @Danquit I totally feel you. And that gives me hope that you feel back to normal! My brain is just still so scattered and I can’t think of certain words sometimes and I’m like how can this still be happening after 4 months not being on the drug? I feel like I have dementia or something 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danquit Posted May 5, 2018 Report Share Posted May 5, 2018 5 hours ago, SamJo said: @Danquit I totally feel you. And that gives me hope that you feel back to normal! My brain is just still so scattered and I can’t think of certain words sometimes and I’m like how can this still be happening after 4 months not being on the drug? I feel like I have dementia or something 4 months is very early in the process. Everything you’re feeling is normal. Scatter brained, depressed, lazy, indecisive, those are all signs that your brain is slowly working to fix what the vyvanse changed. It is a slow process but it will get better. You will have to relearn how to live without it, every time you do something without the pills you will regain a bit of confidence. I mean everything, from taking a walk, to going out with some friends, talking to people, feeding yourself, laundry, all these things will slowly add up and one day you will look back and say “wow, that was all me” and that’s when you can enjoy your life again! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SamJo Posted May 5, 2018 Author Report Share Posted May 5, 2018 @Danquit so do you think it’s normal to feel like you have the symptoms of dementia sometimes (not as much as it was the first month) because of PAWS? My doctor wants to test me for dementia and I’m like ahhhh what if it comes out positive but it’s just the PAWS. When I was 17 I had a terrible eating disorder that lead me to lose my period for 2 years and my microvilli in my intestines collapsed so I now have celiac and at the time was losing all my hair bc of the undiagnosed celiac but the dermatologist told me I had alopecia which it turned out I didn’t I just had celiac and had to stop eating gluten. I’m just afraid of doctors giving me a diagnosis that isn’t true and believing it. I studied nutrition in college because of this and now I’m an actor/writer hoping to create a magical story with all that I’ve been through with addiction such as weight and now going through this (among other things as a young woman) but I pray and want to believe I can accomplish these things and that my brain will come back alive so that I actually can do it. I struggle to find strength all the time, especially living in LA. Sorry went on a rampage...thanks for listening!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SleepyStupid Posted May 8, 2018 Report Share Posted May 8, 2018 lol, what's more likely: you have an extremely rare form of dementia with an onset 40 years too soon... or you're going through PAWS and have the exact same struggles that we've all had? stay at it. as @Danquit said, 4 months is very early. its great that you're already having some good days- cherish them and it will help you ride out the bad days. then at some point, you will start having more good days than bad. that's all there is to it. (: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EricP Posted May 8, 2018 Report Share Posted May 8, 2018 On 5/4/2018 at 8:19 PM, SamJo said: @Danquit so do you think it’s normal to feel like you have the symptoms of dementia sometimes (not as much as it was the first month) because of PAWS? My doctor wants to test me for dementia and I’m like ahhhh what if it comes out positive but it’s just the PAWS. When I was 17 I had a terrible eating disorder that lead me to lose my period for 2 years and my microvilli in my intestines collapsed so I now have celiac and at the time was losing all my hair bc of the undiagnosed celiac but the dermatologist told me I had alopecia which it turned out I didn’t I just had celiac and had to stop eating gluten. I’m just afraid of doctors giving me a diagnosis that isn’t true and believing it. I studied nutrition in college because of this and now I’m an actor/writer hoping to create a magical story with all that I’ve been through with addiction such as weight and now going through this (among other things as a young woman) but I pray and want to believe I can accomplish these things and that my brain will come back alive so that I actually can do it. I struggle to find strength all the time, especially living in LA. Sorry went on a rampage...thanks for listening!! I’ve been reading your posts and relate the the dementia type stuff. It would actually be more like MCI (mild cognitive impairment) as dementia is much worse. I will probably get tested to at least know my baseline and see if it inproves or gets worse with time. At 4mo you are likely too early for this testing IMO... I am at a year and maybe still too early... My memory and thinking capabilities is pretty good some days then really bad on others for no rhym or reason. Same sleep, good diet, vitamins and exercise stable and yet will still get a bad day or two out of nowhere... I have been assuming my brain chemical are still fighting finding the balance however it is frustrating and concerning for sure! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SamJo Posted May 8, 2018 Author Report Share Posted May 8, 2018 1 hour ago, sleepystupid said: lol, what's more likely: you have an extremely rare form of dementia with an onset 40 years too soon... or you're going through PAWS and have the exact same struggles that we've all had? stay at it. as @Danquit said, 4 months is very early. its great that you're already having some good days- cherish them and it will help you ride out the bad days. then at some point, you will start having more good days than bad. that's all there is to it. (: You’re right, I’m only 27 and a bit of a hypochondriac I suppose lol. I’m just waiting for that day I feel so clear headed and excited about life I’m just like okayyyy any day now!! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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