Clean nearly 3 months - Happier and sadder at the same time!!

[LiberatedMind]

For the record, I officially stopped on July 16th but then on July 23rd I found half a pill in my pocket and I knew I had to dispose of it so I took it.  Lol I know that sounds retarded, but that's what happened.  That was the last time I took it though, so... very nice!  Progress!!  :)))

This quote I found on reddit REALLY helped me keep it going:  "Discipline is choosing between what you want NOW and what you want MOST!" (personally I'd replace the word "discipline" with "self-actualization")

I feel saddened by the reality in which I am in but I also feel happier that I can ACTUALLY change it!!!  So many damn things I want to improve about my life that I pushed off forever, and I tend to limit myself, and when I take adderall I even moreso distract myself from what's important.  I become the animal, not the person.

I totally ruined certain relationships in the past by being a selfish bastard, adderall makes me heartless and sociopathic.  Now I have the opposite problem, I am emotional and over-empathetic ugh.  In the short term, that heartless sociopath was more confident.  But in the long term he is left alone, by himself unsatisfied.  Not worth it.

I have found that I am thinking long term every day now, I am thinking about long term all fucking day in such an obsessive fashion.  I got no problem with pushing off immediate pleasures, but now I often feel like I cannot relax.  I just have to push myself harder, faster, stronger, more.  That's better than wasting away, I feel.  It's good for the gym.

I am FEELING much stronger emotions, they are so strong and vivid.  I feel often (almost daily, usually in the evening) very negatively affected by melancholy and nostalgia, and that tortures me, but I also use the strong emotions, especially in interval training when I listen to my music. They push me to continue when things are uncomfortable.  One of my biggest dreams is to travel on my own dime, and see all these cool places but that is kinda hard to do when you got nothing saved up and are in debt, like me.  So I became super frugal, finding ways to make my existing resources (money, food, etc) last as long as possible.  And yes, this is SUPER inconvenient and a major headache doing a million calculations and price comparisons and cooking everything myself, but I AM SUCCEEDING!!   Groceries are my biggest expense by far (some months even surpassing rent and I live by myself, no joke) and I am (after a ton of mental elbow grease) getting it all under control.  I will be happy to impart some pointers or resources if anyone is interested in improving that aspect of their lives.....

I have a recommendation that I think every single forum member here will benefit from.  Please listen to this podcast episode: https://www.artofmanliness.com/articles/podcast-429-taking-control-of-the-brain-chemical-that-drives-excitement-motivation-and-more/

It REALLY clarifies our whole relationship with dopamine, and the two different types: desire dopamine (simple, immediate) VS control dopamine (complex, long term).   Please please please listen to that podcast episode, it helped me and I think it will help you too.  And yes, the website is called "Art of Manliness" as it is in general a site more geared towards men, but that specific podcast episode is for everyone!!  Especially everyone on this forum!!

I am still facing challenges with quitting, I still go back to it in my mind but one thing I found that really helps me is not to think about adderall at all, as if it doesn't exist.  I am here now thinking about it as I am writing this and it gets harder for me.  I like focusing on goals and achieving them.  That is more inspiring to myself than dwelling about adderall and what it did to me.  I need to be aware obviously of everything, but why give that monster any place in my brain?????  I evicted him in July, fuck him.  I am more interested in living.  I'll go outside and take pictures of flowers for all I fucking care instead, he doesn't get any luxury space by me!!!!

OH!  And I hit a milestone!!!  So one of my BIGGEST problems with quitting was pleasure from sex.  Without adderall, sex would feel bland and stupid and a waste of time.  I had an incredible sexual experience recently, and although I do admit I drank some alcohol to get me in the mood I really enjoyed the experience a lot, something that I did not expect.  This gives me hope.  This is so important to me.

 

[KimR]

I like what you say about not even letting Adderall into your mind. 

You're doing good so far. Keep up the good work. 

[OnSomething]

On 9/7/2018 at 4:17 PM, LiberatedMind said:

 adderall makes me heartless and sociopathic.  Now I have the opposite problem, I am emotional and over-empathetic ugh.  In the short term, that heartless sociopath was more confident.

 

If I were to summarize my 2-3 year addy addiction, this would be it. It was the first thing I noticed during my first high and what I chased for years- it made me "empathetic". It made me lose my emotions and helped me overcome my major depression for a short while by just not caring and using that energy to love myself instead. It's very hard to explain but I know what you mean. It was obviously a fake feeling and a fantasy for me, but it felt good while it lasted. Anyway, I'm also coming up on my 3 months sober so it's interesting to see someone in a similar place as me. Keep pushing on