Two Years!

[Cheeri0]

Hi everyone, what a great day to be clean!

I've been checking in less frequently recently (because life has gotten really busy - in a good way), but I wanted to write a post in celebration of my two years clean from adderall  When I first googled "am i addicted to my adhd meds," I was 17. If only I had stopped then. Adderall addiction, over the subsequent 7 years, took me in and out college, in and out of strange towns, in and out of strange relationships, and in and out of bizarre personalities that I'd try on like cheap sunglasses. My life had crumbled into a depressing state of chaos and (arguably misdiagnosed) mental illness.

When I finally admitted I was powerless over the pills, at age 24, my friendships were all strained, my job situation was dicey at best, and conflict with roommates had escalated to a point where it was essentially impossible for a sane person to live with me peacefully. Every dream I had for myself had been placed on hold for just "another day" so I could clean my closet. I was "cleaning my closet tomorrow" for. Seven. Years. It wasn't until I had no closet to clean and no drawers to organize that I realized how truly fucked up my priorities had become.

So if you're reading this, feeling isolated, and promising yourself that you're going to "stop eventually," after you graduate maybe, or after you get organized, or after you get promoted... search your soul. Ask yourself if you feel as though something is gravely wrong. Be honest.

On a lighter note: here's what's happened in my life in the past two years as a result of not getting high even when it was the only thing I wanted to do: 

1) I started going to NA meetings. Complete and utter game-changer for my recovery. It's not for everyone, but if you're curious, I highly recommend it.

2) Got back into college.

3) Developed healthy, honest friendships. Where I could be honest about my feelings. I'm a firm believer that this is how we heal.

4) GOT A BACHELOR'S DEGREE. From a Top 30 University.

5) Mended my relationship with my family and came clean about the reasons for my strange behavior.

6) Had my heart broken by my ex-boyfriend of three years, and MADE IT THROUGH. Clean.

7) Got hired. Amazing job, brand new city, 80k a year. I'm kicking ass at work - without speed.

8) Found a pinterest-worthy apartment of my own (with ALL the exposed brick). I'm currently learning how to balance cleanliness at home with a less-than-organized personality (I don't call it ADHD anymore). Without the use of adderall.

9) Finally overcame my embarrassment and asked someone, at 26, how to use a treadmill. Started to work on my fitness. *hair flip*

10) Developed a relationship with a Higher Power. A Higher Power that, somehow, was merciful enough to keep me from dying - despite the fact that I was pumping 200 milligrams of speed into my body on an almost-daily basis (at 115 lbs) and actively avoiding food and sleep.

Honestly, I'm not sure whether or not to be happy or sad about the fact that this site has been seeing less traffic recently. Maybe fewer people are struggling with amphetamine addiction. I hope so. But if that's not the case: In my first 3 months sober, when my brain still felt like mashed potatoes, reading these forums over and over again was one of the biggest support structures I had. Quittingadderall.com was my hope a lot of days when I had none. Let's continue to spread that hope, y'all. Love you people <3 

***Edit*** I hope this post doesn't come off as too braggadocios. I just wanted to underscore the fact that everything that I **thought** I was working toward by taking adderall only started to come to fruition when I stopped. I've had my fair share of down days these past few years. But when you look at the net result, sobriety will always be the best option for me.

[NotToday]

So happy to see this update today!! Congratulations  

[LILTEX41]

That is amazing!!!  I remember when you first came around.  Can't believe 2 years have gone by already!  Way to go!!!

What kind of job did you get by the way?  That's a pretty remarkable salary for just getting done with college? 

Congratulations! 

[Tom23Jones]

Nothing braggadocios about this! Fucking awesome!  Keep Kicking ass Cheerio!  Appreciate you sharing your experience, strength, and hope.   ✌☮

[LiberatedMind]

This has got to be one of my favorite posts on this site. 

I absolutely love the fact that you not only succeeded, but succeeded so well!  You pulled through, you are a winner! 

I am going to bookmark this page so I can visit it when things get challenging, thank you for sharing.

[SeanW]

Happy for you! Coming up on 17 months and just started a new job and I'm planning to complete my bachelors next semester. Super nervous about my ability to finish this degree that demands 40-50 hours a week "chemical engineering". I relied heavily on adderall to get to my senior year then I went psychotic and dropped out to get clean and save my life.  It's nice to see you were able to finish your degree. I hope I can do the same! I'm finally feeling better with this job even though it's just to fill my time till I finish school. I hope to be in your shoes when I hit two years! You've given me hope and something to aim for! If all goes as planned I'll have graduated and landed a job making about the same and hopefully be living my own!! Again, I'm so happy for you and hope to share a similar experience:)

[Cheeri0]

Thanks everyone for the support! Couldn't have done it without y'all.

@LILTEX41 I work as a data scientist / database architect / software developer. I mostly work in SQL, R, Python, and Excel. I learned most of those skills at an internship I got right after I got clean. It was 7.50 an hour while I lived with my parents and college wouldn't take me back yet. Paid off in the end though!

@LiberatedMind Keep at it! Accept the hard days and learn how to feel pain. I promise struggle with come, even after some time sober. You just have to learn how to get through the shittiest days without leaning on pills and you'll be fine

@SeanW Awesome Sean, that sounds like a great plan. Yeah if I'm being completely honest, of everything I've been through in my after-adderall journey, the two things that were the hardest were school and being dumped. I cried and cried and cried over papers. I felt like I couldn't do them anymore because my brain was broken. I felt dumb and useless and miserable for most of the time while I was in class/working on homework. That never really went away  I just did it over and over again until I didn't have to do it anymore. Work is a MILLION times easier than school. I seriously hated it - just gotta accept it as a stepping stone.

[LILTEX41]

I think your post is going to help inspire so many people!  And I love love love that you persevered through the hard times and look at you now!  Even though I might've drifted backwards in my recovery in the past year or so it is still heart warming to see people recover on this site and know that everyone here had an integral part of your success.  I think of where I should and could be now had I not have slid backwards, but what I always tell myself no matter what happens and my advice to anyone with addiction is just never ever give up.  Fall off, get right back on track.  And even though it's a hit to the ego to come back and admit it to everyone, at least you're back on the right path and will have a bright future again.  I think what happened to me is I got caught up with too many drinking friends and got disconnected from my support groups.  Peer influence is so critical.  Your post has and is going to generate so much positivity on this site so I hope we can reignite it once again and get more traffic.  We all have something to offer one another here and it is only by sharing our experience can we be helpful to someone else.  Success stories like yours are the glue that keeps people coming back and offering them hope.    I hope that by my experience, others that have taken two steps back will come forward with me and get back on track.  It's never too late to pick up where you left off and live in a way that makes you proud of yourself and happy.  Thank you for sharing all of your successes with us and I hope you continue to do so in the future.  You're an inspiration!  

<3 LT

[KimR]

Such an amazing story. Thanks for sharing. 

[SamJo]

The “I was cleaning my closest tomorrow” for seven years made me laugh in the best yet saddest way because I know EXACTLY what you mean! I did/have been doing the same thing. FUCKING CONGRATS on 2 years and thank you for this inspiring post that I NEEDED! The brain is always repairable and we all have to remember that in our recovery.