1 month clean, having issues. Input appreciated!

[AdderallAnonymous]

Hi guys,

I'm a little over a month clean and am having psychological issues. I'm looking to share my story and get some input/advice.

I'm 26 years old. Two years ago, my physician prescribed me Adderall. I do believe I suffer from attention issues, and the drug helped improve my work performance and got me through school. It was great! My dosage was 20mg XR daily - nothing too bad.

I also smoked weed to offset some of the more adverse effects of Adderall such as insomnia, appetite loss, and irritability. I'd pop an addy in the morning (and maybe a hit of sativa), and smoke some indica at night in order to relax, eat, and get to sleep. It worked great.

This spring, however, my doc advised me that the laws had changed and he could no longer prescribe. It had to be through a psychiatrist after an evaluation. He could refill my script one last time, however. I was in between jobs and my insurance was almost up, so I decided to make that last refill (30 pills) count.

I was always pretty responsible with Addy, but with this last refill I took each pill less and less frequently, and eventually only when it could REALLY come in handy. I think because I "tapered" myself in this way, once I ran out I had no major withdrawal symptoms outside of cravings.

I was eventually going to see a psychiatrist to reinstate my prescription, but a friend introduced me to modafinil, touted as a safer alternative to Adderall. I ended up using that instead, to no negative consequences that I can think of. Still smoked weed regularly, too.

However, my Addy cravings persisted. I asked around, and a guy I know advised me he was selling 20mg amphetamine salts. I declined at first, but my cravings got the best of me. I found this source more convenient than getting a prescription, so I bought ten tablets, "just in case". These were meant for a "rainy day" (because modafinil was working for me), but drug addiction is insidious.

I stopped using modafinil and ended up going through the ten tablets, back to back, in a manner of days. I was addicted, and knew I was, so after I consumed the last one I decided not to purchase any more.

I took the last one about a month ago, on a Wednesday, and that Saturday I smoked weed with a friend. On the drive home, I experienced a SEVERE panic attack. It was so bad that I holed up in my bedroom, under the covers, and didn't come out until morning.

Since then I've been dealing with crushing anxiety, a constant sense of dread/doom, depression, zero motivation, and depersonalization. I feel nothing like myself and I hate it.

The worst part of it is that this has ruined cannabis for me. One or two very small hits is okay, but anything beyond that is liable to drive me into the severe panic zone - the run home and get under the covers panic zone. As someone who has (mostly) responsibly enjoyed recreational weed for a while it's very discouraging. I've had to kick the habit for now.

I will say that my anxiety has kind of lessened in the past month, but the depression, depersonalization, and inability to feel pleasure have picked up the slack. I feel afraid, depressed, and disconnected from life. I find it difficult to enjoy things I used to enjoy.

I visited a therapist last week who's into holistic methods like yoga and meditation. We had a meditation session and I felt a little better afterwards. Meditation doesn't always work for me but I try to do it when I can.

I exercise regularly and have begun doing so more regularly in order to combat my issues.

I take CBD oil at least twice a day, and a combination of melatonin/l-theanine at night for sleep. Unfortunately my anxiety hit the point where my favorite time of day is typically bedtime. I only feel good when I'm asleep and I now sleep in as often as I can - which I used to not do.

I just want to feel normal and like myself again. I want to enjoy life like I used to. I felt fine when tapering myself off of and eventually quitting the medically prescribed Adderall. This all started after I stupidly used ten of those illicitly-obtained amphetamine tablets in a row and then suddenly stopped.

I guess I'm posting this because I'm looking for input from those familiar with the subject regarding the timeline of withdrawal. I'm also interested in the science of why I can't smoke any significant amount of weed anymore without losing my mind.

Anyway, thanks for reading and hope you have a great week

[SleepyStupid]

 

1 hour ago, AdderallAnonymous said:

The worst part of it is that this has ruined cannabis for me. One or two very small hits is okay, but anything beyond that is liable to drive me into the severe panic zone - the run home and get under the covers panic zone. As someone who has (mostly) responsibly enjoyed recreational weed for a while it's very discouraging. I've had to kick the habit for now.

i've had some friends report this same kind of persistent anxiety from smoking weed, that seemingly happened out of nowhere. honestly it took them a while to enjoy it again, and even that at a reduced capacity (not necessarily a bad thing).

that being said, this isn't as uncommon as you'd think. i find that if i'm in a bad place, state of mind, or otherwise negative mood, smoking weed will amplify those feelings. i'm sure you've experienced this to some degree in the past. now, quitting Adderall means your mind is going through the most severe psychological experience it has ever gone through. it is quite literally a traumatic biological and chemical imbalance that you cannot think or reason your way out of. a break from smoking weed is definitely needed here, especially if you wish to enjoy it again in the future! you can also maybe try vaping it instead of smoking it for a less intense high.

the depression, depersonalization, anhedonia... all very common effects of post-acute withdrawal syndrome (PAWS). there are already some great posts and articles on the main site that discuss this so i won't get into that, but if you're still using Modafinil i would suggest stopping that as well. it is certainly a different drug from amphetamine, but im skeptical about the claim of being "safer than Adderall". sure - it may be safer from a physiological standpoint, less taxing on the body, etc... but the potential for psychological addiction is similar. you will eventually become dependent on it, and i'm not even sure that it provides any relief for true ADHD symptoms (it is mostly prescribed for sleep disorders). it is still a very dangerous path.

[AdderallAnonymous]

16 minutes ago, sleepystupid said:

 

i've had some friends report this same kind of persistent anxiety from smoking weed, that seemingly happened out of nowhere. honestly it took them a while to enjoy it again, and even that at a reduced capacity (not necessarily a bad thing).

that being said, this isn't as uncommon as you'd think. i find that if i'm in a bad place, state of mind, or otherwise negative mood, smoking weed will amplify those feelings. i'm sure you've experienced this to some degree in the past. now, quitting Adderall means your mind is going through the most severe psychological experience it has ever gone through. it is quite literally a traumatic biological and chemical imbalance that you cannot think or reason your way out of. a break from smoking weed is definitely needed here, especially if you wish to enjoy it again in the future! you can also maybe try vaping it instead of smoking it for a less intense high.

the depression, depersonalization, anhedonia... all very common effects of post-acute withdrawal syndrome (PAWS). there are already some great posts and articles on the main site that discuss this so i won't get into that, but if you're still using Modafinil i would suggest stopping that as well. it is certainly a different drug from amphetamine, but im skeptical about the claim of being "safer than Adderall". sure - it may be safer from a physiological standpoint, less taxing on the body, etc... but the potential for psychological addiction is similar. you will eventually become dependent on it, and i'm not even sure that it provides any relief for true ADHD symptoms (it is mostly prescribed for sleep disorders). it is still a very dangerous path.

Thank you for your reply. I do vape mostly - small hits of my pen are all I can handle at the moment, but I'm quitting that for now. I'm also not taking modafinil until my issues are resolved

I'm going to do some research on PAWS - but based on my usage, do you have any idea of how long I will be experiencing these symptoms?

 

Thanks again for your message

 

[SleepyStupid]

that's a very hard question to answer. you're relatively young, only used for 2 years @ 20mg a day and you've already tapered down to some degree. i'd say 3 months until the PAWS effects aren't crippling at least, maybe a year till you feel like yourself again.

[DrewK15]

Hi there and welcome. Weed and amphetamine is my drug combo of choice as well. I quit weed about a year ago and amphetamine about 7 months ago. In my experience the effects of each drug compliment and/or offset each other nicely with one big exception, the panic/anxiety/psychosis inducing components. 

 

I had an experience with panic while high as well that ended as a full blown seizure in a Target parking lot. Needless to say I didn’t want to go through that again and had a hard time enjoying weed for a while. I think maybe what you’re going through is your mind and body doing what it can to avoid the trauma of another full blown panic attack.

 

As far as immediate withdrawal and PAWS, that’s something that can vary wildly from person to person. You should be through with physical withdrawal, but the psychological issues can persist for quite some time. Once you know what drug induced euphoria feels like, the real world can feel depressing by comparison. As time passes this feeling does fade if you don’t use again. Thinking about how long it will be until you feel ‘normal’ can be very overwhelming. In early recovery I’ve found it helpful to take things just a day at a time, some will be good and some will be bad and that’s okay.

[KimR]

Weed + Adderall = worst panic attack of my entire life. I feel you on that one. 

As far as withdrawal symptoms, it's hard to say when they'll disappear. But every day it gets better. 

Never go back.