Relapsed after more than four months

[neveragain]

I abused dexedrine heavily for about seven years. A week ago I relapsed after more than four months of sobriety from dexedrine (and alcohol and other drugs). Let me tell you: IT IS NOT WORTH IT. I cannot even enjoy this feeling, actually: I hate it. This feeling isn't even really a feeling, it's feeling nothing at all. It's a feeling that belongs to my past where I should have left it. All the fucking lies I told myself to start using again.. All the lies I am telling the ones around me right now. But even my guilt and shame are numbed out. The only feeling I feel coming up is anxiety.

I don't know how to live a productive life without these pills, but I know sure as hell I don't want to live a ''productive'' life with these pills. I am not even doing the things I used to do while high on these pills like writing or studying. It would feel like betrayal or just really stupid. Like yea right for months you have been lazy and unproductive and now you took some pills and suddenly BOOM working for hours again. That is not how I wanted to live my life anymore. It wouldn't make sense. So instead I am not doing much at all, actually nothing besides thinking how I can get out of this mess again, smoking lots of cigarettes and walking around the house and cleaning around like an obsessive idiot. I am listening to music but even though during my sobriety I thought to myself many times ''I wonder how this song would sound in a drugged out state'' - music doesn't sound better at all. Another lie I told myself. It's like I cannot ''feel'' the music. Simply because I cannot feel shit because the pills block all my emotions. 

Somehow I feel really really stuck. I cannot manage to get back on track again. I flushed my pills and deleted dealers contacts (I used to have a script for years but not anymore obviously), only to wake up and find a way to get more pills. I need to get out of this cycle. Every day I say this is day one again, every day I screw up. 

If somehow I manage to get back on track again, I will start contributing more to this website. I am from the Netherlands btw. English is not my native language and that kept me from submitting stuff instead of just reading. But I think I could really benefit from talking with others about the problems we all share. 

If you are struggling yourself and considering a relapse, feel free to ask me anything. But let me tell you: all the reasons you tell yourself are lies. Yes, all of them. Don't be like me. Stay strong.

[JF99]

All I have to say is this could be me. I am between the 4 and 5 month mark and I could easily go down the same path. I’ve had a tough week and I’m craving so badly. My only saving grace is that I’m a f*cking loner and don’t know anyone that would give me pills.

Last night I dreamt of buckets of orange Adderall pills being given to me by some guy on a college campus. This wasn’t a nightmare for me. It was f*cking heaven. It’s bad how much I still romanticize over something that has been slowly destroying my life for years.

I encourage you to write more. It’s helpful for all of us.

 

[neveragain]

1 hour ago, BK99 said:

All I have to say is this could be me. I am between the 4 and 5 month mark and I could easily go down the same path. I’ve had a tough week and I’m craving so badly. My only saving grace is that I’m a f*cking loner and don’t know anyone that would give me pills.

Last night I dreamt of buckets of orange Adderall pills being given to me by some guy on a college campus. This wasn’t a nightmare for me. It was f*cking heaven. It’s bad how much I still romanticize over something that has been slowly destroyeing my life for years.

I encourage you to write more. It’s helpful for all of us.

I did wake up this week hoping my relapse was nothing but a bad nightmare.. It wasn't. To me it's reality. Think about that.

[SleepyStupid]

1 hour ago, BK99 said:

Last night I dreamt of buckets of orange Adderall pills being given to me by some guy on a college campus. This wasn’t a nightmare for me. It was f*cking heaven. It’s bad how much I still romanticize over something that has been slowly destroyeing my life for years.

yup. i still get these dreams occasionally, and you're right - they feel great.

this is part of what i mean when i say you can't un-know the feeling.

stay vigilant my friends.

[SleepyStupid]

@neveragain

sorry to hear about your relapse, but it's not the end of the world. you said yourself that you're not even enjoying the drug - that's a good sign!

6 hours ago, neveragain said:

I don't know how to live a productive life without these pills, but I know sure as hell I don't want to live a productive life with these pills.

well said. this is the conflict at the heart of amphetamine addiction, though i'd add that you don't stay productive forever. if you've abused it heavily for a number of years, you're probably already taking way too much and not getting anything out of it.

i relapsed after 2 years clean, thinking my tolerance would be down, that i'd be able to control my usage, that it had been so long that maybe the magic would be back...

nope. went right back to slamming it. right back to 100s of mgs a day, almost immediately.

it will never be different the next time.

[neveragain]

20 minutes ago, sleepystupid said:

@neveragain

sorry to hear about your relapse, but it's not the end of the world. you said yourself that you're not even enjoying the drug - that's a good sign!

well said. this is the conflict at the heart of amphetamine addiction, though i'd add that you don't stay productive forever. if you've abused it heavily for a number of years, you're probably already taking way too much and not getting anything out of it.

i relapsed after 2 years clean, thinking my tolerance would be down, that i'd be able to control my usage, that it had been so long that maybe the magic would be back...

nope. went right back to slamming it. right back to 100s of mgs a day, almost immediately.

it will never be different the next time.

yes exactly what you are saying.. ''you don't stay productive forever'' well that's is exactly what i experienced. it wasn't really a choice anymore before i quit in november, i wasn't (and am not) productive while on these pills. the golden days are long gone, still i relapsed.. because i was fooling myself. 

''it will never be different the next time''.. that's a fucking fact. but why do we forget and think it will be? why does addiction fuck with our memory? why does it lie to us? that's the part i don't understand..

[Clavicula]

I have dreams about using too, guys. Usually they are nightmares which reinforce me to stay away from the drug, because in the dreams I go crazy and manic because of the drug's effect on my mental illness. It's terrible, but it sometimes stops me from using. Neveragain, every time you resist cravings you are reinforcing your sobriety in your brain. You can recover from this. You can. But it requires tremendous work, a total restructuring of your life and psyche in order that you may discover the reasons why you used, the reasons why you MUST continue to be sober, and the mental and pragmatic (i.e. practicing doing productive things without amphetamine) practices you need to undertake to live your life sober. I'm praying and rooting for you!