Addicted Artist Looking For Help

[Corey]

Hi QA,

Years ago, visiting this site/community helped me quit my adderall addiction, but I've recently (as of October) gotten hooked on the stuff once again.

I'm a professional full-time illustrator and part-time illustration teacher. In October I had a huge project with a ton of work and a tight deadline that seemed impossible. I turned to adderall to stay up for days on end, putting a butt-ton of work into this project. The end result was so good, and I was able to get so much done, and the adderall high was so great that I kept using adderall to push myself as hard as I could in my work, telling myself that once I finished the round of projects I was working on, that I would quit. After 3 months of making excuses to keep taking it, despite progressively feeling more like crap when I don't take it, I'm looking around and realizing that I am clearly and unmistakably addicted. When I try to work without using adderall, I feel miserable and distracted and fixate on when I can next get my hands on more adderall. I think one of the most upsetting parts of this development is that I genuinely think my work has improved drastically since I've started taking it. I've never been more ambitious in what I try to achieve and my attention to detail. The idea of going back to a life of slogging through work without adderall and the fear that my work will get drastically worse if I quit is something I find very depressing. However, my personal life and emotional well-being has taken a nose-dive in the last three months. I don't wake up until noon most days, my apartment is a total mess, I weasel out of any social engagements I can so I can either work or spend the day "recovering" by being zonked out watching TV or playing video games. My addiction is a total secret from friends and family whom I routinely blow off. The only person who knows is my therapist (whom I don't get my drugs from) who hasn't been much help in getting me to quit adderall, though I do appreciate having someone to talk to about it.

Can anyone give me advice and tips? How do you go back to a life of dullness and disinterest in your work? Will I ever be able to enjoy doing work again without adderall?

Thanks for listening,

Corey

[dolssa]

From what I have read it is completely normal to feel a disinterest in life and in work. You say you have only been taking it for 3 months? If you just do the bare minimum at work for now, it is going to be hard and frustrating but your natural energy and motivation WILL come back! I was using for 4 years, and i would have made my life a million times easier if i would have realized at three months that I was addicted. flush your pills. You can do this. Good luck! 

[Lizzyc]

Stop now. If you continue to use, it will only get worse. I wish more than anything I’d gotten help when I first noticed I was addicted. You will save yourself from a lot of pain if you throw your pills out and never go back. In the 1 year I had clean (after 10 years of taking adderall)...my life got much better, I felt a lot better, and I was much happier. I’m working towards that again. Continue to reach out. You can do this!

[m34]

I agree. If I would have recognized at 3 months and quit my life prob would be totally different. I still crave the creativity boost I use to feel. However, the trade off was too much. I paint as a hobby and am getting back my creativity slowly. I don’t get that “amazing” feeling of accomplishment, but it is returning. I know this is different than doing it for work. There is much more pressure. That part is hard! 

[Corey]

Thanks friends. Your words of encouragement have helped a lot. Luckily my work load is pretty light at the moment, so I'm taking the opportunity to wean myself back onto working without adderall. I'm starting small by just working a couple hours each day. I got rid of my pills. Hopefully I caught myself early enough that it won't be too difficult to re-adjust like it was the last time I quit after four years of using.