dolssa

@tjzen congrats on 7.5 months. that's huge. keep going. when I felt down when I was clean its no where near how im feeling now. keep pushing day by day. thank you for the encouraging response

@Krae19 thank you for leaving a response. congrats on over 100 days!!! I know that when I reach that milestone again I will be stronger than I was the first time. id do anything to do back and not relapse! again congrats, you are doing amazing. <3

@ALA looking back the year off was great comapred to where I am now. the first 6 months were tough but I started feeling my personality come back a bit. I relapsed when the pandemic eased and more work was thrown my way and also Adderall had always helped me socialize which I feel like the pandemic made me more introverted than I was before. I felt lonely and depressed and knew Adderall would get me out of bed. it did. obviously huge mistake. but thank you for responding and the encouraging words.

I can't wrap my head around how many people use this site and we are addicted to legal drugs given to children. I have been using Adderall my entire 20s.. I am 28. I was prescribed 20mg twice a day. and then 1mg Xanax to sleep at night. I quit Adderall for a year in 2020. relapsed and now on 40 mg of vyvanve. I never quit Xanax which I didn't even think I had a problem with because I was always thinking about Adderall not Xanax. but oh my god I had a rude awakening when I ran out and couldn't get my script. the withdrawals were insane. I didn't sleep for 4 days. mild psychosis. derealizion, scary stuff. so now I have two addictions. all because I told my doctor I had trouble concentrating. Im so angry. no better time than do start back at day 1 with the shortage. and I never thought id say this, but im more worried about coming off the Xanax. Im annoyed that my meds make me feel normal. they help me socialize. but they make me a zombie. I don't feel anything. im over it. im going to go cold turkey off stimulants and ween off my Xanax starting tomorrow. will update.

@GettingOffOfIt thank you that is good to know about the vyvance. I only recently switched because of the national Adderall shortage. (OMG) BLESSING also curse lol anyway I do plan on quitting. I'll look into the weaning with vyvance. thank you for the response.

Holy shit... the numbing of emotions is crazy. I didn't even realize that's is partly why I continue using. so thank you for saying this I needed to see it in words. I mean I knew intuitively that is what was going on but I just said nahh I'm fine. but to see someone else experience this also it is a wake up call. can I ask how you coped with this?? I think one of the main reasons I relapsed at a year was energy levels being low and just feeling sad. I guess therapy is the right answer lol

Hi I've been on and off this website for most my twenties. addicted for most of it. I managed to get clean for a little over a year and relapsed in 2021. I am now 27 and have been using ever since the relapse. (I take the prescribed amount 40mg vyvance) but I know its doing more harm than good. Im isolated, can't get out of bed without it, robotic. you guys know. anyway I spend a lot of time on Tiktok and does anyone ever see anyone else trying to get clean from like alcohol or other drugs, and they literally have to go through like A MONTH of withdrawal until they start feeling better?? god, I know all addiction is an illness but Adderall truly has to be the hardest to quit. maybe I'm biased, but because if you've read enough stories on here you know it takes about TWO YEARS to start feeling like yourself again and I am just SO JEALOUS of people who get their little 30 day chip at AA and say they feel better and can't believe how hard the month was.. A MONTH?!!!!! I tried this shit for YEAR and did not feel like I did before I started this devil pill. jealous isn't the right word. I'm not jealous of alcoholics or trying to minimize their struggles or suffering. It just makes it that much more discouraging. cause I quit once I know what it entails. I don't want to spend another year in my room unable to get out of bed. at least when I'm using I can experience a little life, even if its a roller coster. also ill just be scrolling Tiktok and a video glorifying Adderall comes up and It just makes my brain tell itself see its okay you can take it. whatever.

me too. been using every day for 6 months after a year and a half clean. day 1. im so done and starting to feel hopeless. you arent alone :/

Hi- just wanted to let you know i went though the exact same thing. I abused adderall for 8 years. i quit cold turkey for all of 2020 (the only plus of the pandemic was it took away the social pressure for me to finally quit). I experienced all things you mentioned here. I did get my personality back after 9 months. it was a long time coming. I ended up relapsing after a year and a half just to feel more productive and again i sacrificed my personality, opinions, mind. i would do anything to go back and not relapse. I think the key after being on this site is just TIME. this process takes forever and then some but your brain WILLL bounce back it just needs time to get there. you are not alone. i am back at day 1. ready to do this.

i just want to say i relate to this. the second i open my eyes and my mind starts racing its a constant battle of should i just take an adderall or not UGH

has anyone experienced dissociation and or derealization when quitting? I went a year without adderall, 2020 i was clean. then in the beginning of 2021 i relapsed and started using 50 mg Vyvance twice or three times a week. my roommate gives me a few from her script so its controlled. on the days i didnt take it i would stay in bed depressed / disassociating. on days i took it i would clean my apartment / hang out with friends / have energy it would snap me to the present moment and quiet my brain like its supposed to with people with ADHD. it made me forget why i quit. but then the come down hits and i cant stop disassociating. I dont know if its adderall related or a trauma response from other things im not facing. i know im on a slippery slope taking it a few times a week. my life is unbalanced / a rollercoaster of feeling okay, feeling great, feeling like shit. something that led me to relapse after a year was over stimulation. i would go out and be over stimulated by loud restaurants, too many people, crowds to the point of panic attacks, meltdowns. i never had this issue during my 5 years of taking adderall everyday. this and a few other things are leading me to seek an autism diagnosis. this is off topic i just wanted to include it to see if anyone else relates. anyway Ill end this with if you are clean for a year dont go back. i really fucked up by choosing to relapse. i dont see quitting in my future anymore no matter how unhappy i am. temporary artifical happiness is better than mind blowing depression and panic attacks from over stimulation. at least its controlled and i only get a few a week. anyone else disassociate alot ?

this gives me hope! may i ask how long youve been clean?

thank you for your post! it was so insightful and helpful. its wild that our addiction tricks us into thinking we wont be successful without it but really it just gives us a false sense of success because we equate productivity with success. i find it so interesting that all those good things happened to you after you got clean essentially when you got our of your own way. congrats on how far you come and thank you for this post i will be reading it often!

I think you should hold on. I am coming from a place where i had 14 months adderall free and i went back to help with accomplishing tasks and depression and now it is all i think about again. the depression when i dont take it is 10 times worse than when i was feeling a little low while sober. I wish i could go back in time and not relapse. its been 6 months now and i hate myself for quitting at over a year and giving in. I have seen people on here make HUGE progess in second year/third year. dont give up. dont be like me starting at day one. you got this.

I quit nov 19 2019. i relapsed this may and have been using 20 mg every day since. Im going clean again starting tomorrow and can not believe i have to go through this again. im so sick of this shit. I just came on here to say that if you made it to a year clean KEEP GOING i swear your addict brain is going to trick you into thinking you need it again, YOU DON'T.

YES my executive functioning skills were zero so i talked myself into "needing" it and to help with ADD. which is both true but i know that life with add off adderall has to be better. thank you for responding your story is giving me hope!

If they told me adderall was harder to quit long term than heroin i would believe them. worst drug ever. fucking hell

CONGRATS

welp... still havent been able to stop.. IM SO MAD AT MYSELF

Hi @OnSomething. I also used adderall as a coping tool for trauma, but i did not know it. it wasn't until i got clean and the fog lifted that i started to face some truths about my childhood and past that i was suppressing with adderall and the life i was living on adderall. At over a year clean i recently relapsed because of it, just trying to run again instead of face and heal. in the beginning, don't worry too much about that. first focus on quitting. take it a day at a time. the you while you are detoxing and withdrawing isn't the real you and your brain will be too busy healing to think about other stuff. (at least thats what happened to me) and then when its time you will have a clear mind and can find better coping tools to use. for me, i'm about to start my withdrawal from my temporary relapse of the last month and FINALLY admit i need a damn therapist. don't try to to do much too soon. focus on getting through the days without adderall and forgive yourself if its messy. wanting to quit is already a huge step. YOU CAN DO THIS. x

I recently made a post about my recent relapse after almost a year clean. My mom noticed that i had more energy when i took the adderall and doesnt understand why i dont just keep taking it. I tried to explain that its an addiction and the good doesnt last and ill pay for it later. a few weeks ago i went home to visit her (i was still clean then) and I thought wow i feel good compared to a year ago when i first quit. we went shopping, i participated in family games, i didnt have alot of anxiety at dinners and a year ago this weekend would have been unimaginable without adderall. i just got off the phone with her and she made a comment like "you are better than when you came to visit" it broke me. non adderall users will never understand getting through the days without it. because compared to other drugs it can look normal. she also said "its been a year" theres no way you are still feeling the affects of when you took adderall. i just wish she understood that YES. im STILL dealing with the affects of my addiction of 5 years, even having taken the correct dosage. its so hard. really no one but adderall users will understand. its such a misunderstood addiction. :/

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post! @SleepyStupid and @EricP! Without this forum i defiantly think this relapse wouldn't have been so temporary. I've decided not to go forward with the adderall. thanks again

ummm... YES.

just read this post and want to cry. its almost my exact journey in the beginning. I just relapsed at a little over a year becasue i felt i wasnt getting better. to hear you started feeling way better at two years than one year, i am encouraged to keep going and not hate myself too much for this two week relapse i just put myself through. congrats on four years

Hi guys... I quit adderall Nov 11, 2019. It was the longest year of my life. it got easier very slowly. at a year mark i was able to maintain some friendships, but i still lacked motivation and had no drive to accomplish anything. I started to feel discouraged when I hit the year mark when things didn't start getting better. I tried wellbutrin with no success. and i am ashamed to say that two weeks ago i filled an adderall script. i just turned 26 so i got a new doctor with my own insurance who didn't know that i told my other doctor to not give me adderall again. instead i asked her for some in deep despair to accomplish something at 26 years old. I really thought i couldn't live without it again after a year clean. (it hasn't been all bad, i enjoy being able to sleep and not having a racing mind) but still i got my hands on another script. it helps. i get out of bed, i have motivation, i have clarity, but deep in my brain, i know every time i pop one its a mistake. that i'll pay for it later. now two weeks taking 20mg and I'm sitting here sobbing writing this. im so mad at myself for taking this step back for temporary feelings of accomplishment. I just want to feel okay. i want to have energy without that devil little orange pill. is it possible?? i really don't know.