dolssa

congrats! do you mind me asking what anti depressant you started? i quit a little more than a year ago and relapsed this week because of deep depression :/

YESSSS. Adderall gave me an eating disorder. I didn't realize it, bc i never thought about food while i was in my addiction but I loved the adderall skinny body I had, and people would ALWAYS compliment my body saying whats your secret!!! if only they knew it was a diet of cold brew and adderall. I am now a year off and those first few months i gained 10 pounds and then I lost the weight, but didnt get back down to adderall skinny which would make me spiral and want to use. I did try wellburitn for a few months which also decreases appetite which i loved. but I got off that too. I just passed the year mark and its a never ending struggle of wanting to take adderal for the purpose of masking hunger. Im coming to terms that this is deeper than just being addicted to adderall and i might need to seek treatment for an ED. just wild because i had a great relationship with food pre adderall.

Hi @LuLamb. Just wanted to say I am right there with you i quit Nov last year. came here bc just passed the year mark and struggling. way better than those first few months of recovery but the cravings have started again. I just wanted to reach out and say that i am feeling literally everything you write and you are not alone. happy we made it this far... we have to keep going right? x

exactly its just more jittery. Did you switch to a different antidepressant? @EricP thanks for the reply!

nvm i found alot of posts with this information! thanks xx

Hey all I am at 10 months tomorrow. I am mostly happy with my decision to quit adderall, yet i am still really struggling with depression. I started Wellburtin almost three weeks ago and while my doctor reassured me that it was NOT a stimulant, i feel much the same affects as adderall. A burst of energy after taking, and huge decrease in appetite. along with increased anxiety. I am going to continue it for the month because I guess thats how long it takes to work, however I am concerned with its parallels to adderall. Anyone else try wellburtin and feel this way??

I am almost at 9 months clean. a year ago i could not imagine what it would be like to say i have gone a majority of 9 month without adderall. I wont lie i slipped and took 5 mg around 6 months and again around 7 months. It was such a small dose I didn't feel anything and didn't have much negative affect so I still consider myself 9 months clean. I seem to always want to slip around my quit date which is NOV 11. So its not a surprise I'm here coming up on 9 months. My thoughts have not been good. I want to feel more. I want that rush. I want that motivation. I want that little pill of confidence. I am drowning in depression. Its wild that a solution is just a pill away and I could have the energy to live life. I know it is not sustainable but man I wish it was. I made an appointment to try wellbutrin, I know some people on here have had some success with that. I don't really have a point to this. I just keep waiting and waiting to feel like myself again and i feel like all the positive times i look back in my life i was on adderall. I am going to keep going because 9 months is a long time to give up now. I just really hope the antidepressant works because if not I will go back to this

thank you for posting!!! I am at 8 months and just started to come out of the depersonalization. I thought i was the only one!

Hello @idkanymore.. I also signed on here to say that I have relapsed this past weekend. I also feel like i can never be normal without this drug but also taking it is HELL. I am so sorry to hear you are struggling so much. I just want you to know you are not alone. kicking this drug is HARD. Do not beat yourself up over this relapse. Just start again tomorrow. You can do this.

GIRL you are literallly describing my life my first three months off adderall. It was absolutely brutal and honestly a miracle i didn't go back to adderall just to FEEL SOMETHING. I wish I had a better answer for you other than you just have to ride this wave but it DOES get better. This is your brain re wiring itsself. it is important to remember this is NOT YOU either. The real you is healing. The real you wants you to fight for its chance to be adderall free. You can get there. Just do anything you can not to go back. I did not leave my apartment for three months. I binged netlfix and read alot of books. then slowly I started feeling like a person again. it takes time and its not easy but you CAN do it.

although I get nervous that I will get overwhelmed and need adderall to keep up. the girl im dating loves to be active and travel. I did too when i was on adderall. im hoping my depression won't get in the way because I really like her and it scares me that I might turn to adderall to keep up

It was so hard for me to date on adderall. I had no emotions and I was content alone as long as i had adderall. One of the reasons i got sober was to connect more deeply with people. I am now 7 months clean and just started dating. It was a rough start with the depression which is why it took 7 months. I feel better now, i lost the post adderall weight gain and I am slowly getting confidence back. My emotions are back, stronger than I remember and it feels really good connecting again.

@sweetupbaaby Thanks for your response. I totally relate about the emotions coming back. Besides the depression I generally love being sober for that same reason. Not going to let this small step back stop be from continuing this path of recovery

@DC011381 wow that is such a long time. I am going to try and stay strong I know i can its just mind blowing how slow this process is and how much using affects our brains in the long term

Hi guys.. if you saw my post last week i was really struggling with depression at a little over 6 months adderall free. I wanted to cave but a few of you really helped me out and talked me out of that (thank you!!) I ended up having a really good rest of the week after those few shitty days. But today i woke up feeling shitty again. I know this is normal but I was dying for an adderall. I stumbled upon one in shorts I havent worn since last summer and I just took it :/ its half of 10 mg. i probably wont get high from it but im so mad at myself for taking it (and looking for it in the first place) I swear i got rid of em all. Anyway I know this doesn't undo ALL the progress in the last 6 months and I have a really hard week ahead of me. any stories of slips like this that didnt end in total relapse destruction please share with me Im feeling really like i fucked everything up

@Ready4Change You are so so so right. thank you so much for your response

May 11 was 6 months for me. I have been struggling. I am so so so close to turning back. Life shouldn't be this hard. at 6 MONTHS my post adderall depression is still so prominent that I don't know what else to do. I have days where I feel ok. Like yesterday I felt good, not great.. but good. I made plans with a friend for tomorrow via zoom to catch up, and I told my mom I would come quarantine with her this weekend and help her get food and essentials. now i woke up today with absolutely no energy to follow through on these plans. Its giving me so much anxiety that 10 mg of adderall would cure. Dammit, i know its a bad idea.. but i just dont know if its worse than how i am feeling now. I just know im going to relapse. 6 months and its all for nothing.

there is a need for a 12 step program just for adderall and i would say its growing... I defiantly support this and your letter

What is it about the date you get sober that makes you want addrall so bad? Am i the only one that literally craves adderall so bad around the quit date each month? My craving are always so strong around the 11th of each month which is when i quit. Its so fucking weird. Most of the month it sucks but adderall isn't the dominant part of my mind, and then a few days before the 11th adderall just sounds like the BEST IDEA EVER. i miss it alot. anyway 6 months tomorrow. yay (i guess.)

the quicker you accept you are not going to have any motivation or any of the things you described for a little bit while your brain chemistry heals itself the easier it will be. dont be hard on yourself. there is no magic motivator. you just have to ride this wave and let your brain heal. it sucks but the faster i accepted my reality as not having the energy to do anything and that being OKAY the better it got. the good news, is it WILL return. I had all those things you mentioned the depression, anxiety, and fatigue for a good few months. It does get easier though I promise you.

Did you get rid of all easy access pills?? the only reason i pushed through this day was not having any access to any! Now, i am feeling much better and happy I didn't have any on me cause i also would have caved.

I woke up today and was hit hard by PAWS. I talked myself into trying to find some adderall as soon as possible, but then i read this and have decided to continue in recovery. thank you!

@OneDay i would say the first three months were hardest, no really getting better. i would have a day here or there would i would feel ok, but overall I just did everything i could to not take adderall. I swear i didn't leave my apartment for 3 months my depression was so bad and I had the worst anxiety about any kind of social interaction. It was not fun. Once i stopped being hard on myself for not having the energy to be a person and just surrendered to Netflix and reading it was better. i just got to the point where i would rather be in withdrawal hell than the alternative adderall rollercoaster. Month 4 i started being able to leave my apartment, get lunch with friends, go to the movies chill stuff. now at month 5 I am working out consistently, and I wake up with motivation to work some days!! Its a slow process. I am no where near as productive and stable as i was pre adderall but i am functioning again not like those first three months of being a vegetable.

Thanks all!

1. made me a zombie (could not feel any emotions) 2. isolated me from everyone. no close meaningful friendships. i only cared about my pill bottle, i literally had feelings for it 3. no personal growth, because adderall makes you only successful in your head so I spent 5 years in an adderall rollercoster not getting anywhere 4. MIND RACING A MILLION MILES A FUCKING MINUTE 5. deep sleep? don't know her