QUITTING EVERYTHING AT ONCE

[LuLamb]

I’m working on a plan to quit everything at once and looking for support and thoughts. I quit Adderall back in October and cut off my supplier (my doc). I’ve had a slip-up this week and it led me to cut off my newest supplier (my neighbor). Before quitting Adderall I managed to quit Seroquel. About a month ago I quit pot, which, surprisingly, has been totally fine. However, as I look towards resuming my abstinence from Adderall, I am realizing from this most recent lapse, that I really need to up my game. I am considering going cold turkey on everything that I consider to be at most, an addiction (Adderall, nicotine) and at least, a crutch (Various supplements, stimulant teas like Kratom, alcohol, sleep aids). They all seem to go hand-in-hand and to perpetuate a lack of true sobriety. When I quit Adderall in October, that was Day 1. I had three brief (a few days) slip-ups since Day 1, but I decided to keep moving forward and did not go back to a Day 1 when the slip-ups happened. I’ve decided it feels important to me now to go back to “Day 1” once this current lapse is over (see how I am?). Any thoughts or feedback or suggestions appreciated. One of my biggest fears is that things like alcohol and smokes are so readily available. How does one cut off their supplier in these cases!!???

So grateful for you all and this site...

[DelaneyJuliette]

Do you mean start your day count over?  Or do you just mean like, start an additional day one with all the other stuff?  I can make myself crazy over all of this.  I have an app called quitzilla that has counted my 7 different "addiction" day ones over and over lol.  I am going to start tomorrow as "Day 1" because I am going to stick to a taper down specific plan rather than just willy nilly abuse this shit all the time on a whim.  I am scared.  I feel okay about it right now, but I am scared I will give in.  I know I can do this.  Then, when my taper is down to zero like before, I will have a new Day 1 off of adderall.  But, I don't want to even think about that right now because it is too scary and it makes me doubt that I can live life without it and then it makes me think why bother with the taper lol.  It's crazy this is all in my head.  I know I didn't really answer your question, but I am going to go home from work now.  It's after 1am.  This is crazy.  No more of this.  Seriously, I just can't.  It's not okay with me. 

[LuLamb]

I mean start my day count over. So today is Day 3 off of Adderall. If you weren’t scared about all of this, then you probably wouldn’t have an addiction, lol. Whatever works. Starting the day count over just seemed like it would help me hold myself more accountable. I realized what’s the point of the day count if a bunch of the days were actually days I was using? The good thing, DJ, is that you haven’t quit trying to quit. I had one short period of time (like maybe 6 hours) during this most recent relapse when I felt “good”-where I was enjoying having a little Adderall in my system. The rest of it was awful. It was just a mental-emotional roller-coaster coupled with complete agitation. My boyfriend and I nearly broke up over it. I’m glad it was so awful simply because it was such a reminder that there’s no going back. It’s a trap. 

[LuLamb]

Cutting off my suppliers has been invaluable. I cannot conceive of myself trying to stay off Adderall if I have any access to it. The addiction wants what it wants, but if there’s no Adderall around, then I can mostly go about my business. It really frees me up. And the act of cutting them off was hugely empowering. 

[LuLamb]

For the record, I haven’t quit everything at once. Still smoking (cigars) and drinking some alcohol. However, I am committed to steering clear of all the supplements (dopa) and stimulant teas (kratom) and otc meds (mucinex d) that I was using off and on over the past six months to skirt around the lack of Adderall. Progress IS a process, I guess!

[LuLamb]

I’m also working on taking a more reasonable approach to exercise because my tendency over the last six months was too all-or-nothing and that ends up being a trigger to use and finds me not actually listening to my body and causes my Adderall-induced injuries (herniated disks) to flare-up. I’m committing to doing some walking every day and anything else I do like an occasional run or hike will be a bonus but not something I’m forcing. I haven’t decided what my plan is For when Orangetheory reopens...

[LuLamb]

the bottom line is, I can't keep approaching my recovery with the kind of expectations of myself that I had while I was on Adderall...that's an idealistic mindset that is a set-up for relapse. 

[DelaneyJuliette]

I have that problem now.  I don't really know how to downsize my life to be able to be realistic with out adderall.  I caved in today on the first day of my taper.  For me, caving means that I took more of it than I alloted in a different "manner" than swallowing, b/c that's the only way I can feel the effects.  I'm so mad at myself. 

[LuLamb]

What might you tell a client in your shoes? 

I'm also learning that in order to stay sober, I have to make that my #1 priority. It's a drag, but it is simple and I keep learning the hard way that it's the only option. Every time I relapse I am disappointed. It simply isn't sustainable and my whole life suffers. Life without adderall is different, but when I think about what I really WANT, what my actual GOALS are, it's things like being responsible, being a good therapist, being a good friend and partner, etc etc...and I can't be those things when I'm on adderall. Even tho my addicted brain thinks I can. Thinks I can't be those things without adderall. 

A belief is just a thought we keep on thinking. Think some new thoughts. 

I hope you will involve your husband. If you want to work on your marriage, it seems like that has to happen. 

[SleepyStupid]

On 4/15/2020 at 5:56 PM, LuLamb said:

A belief is just a thought we keep on thinking. Think some new thoughts. 

love this (:

On 4/14/2020 at 10:58 PM, DelaneyJuliette said:

I don't really know how to downsize my life to be able to be realistic with out adderall.

for the time being, maybe don't think of it as downsizing - more like taking a vacation from your life? see the problem is, you will not be able to see your life objectively until you have enough time off adderall - probably several months in your case. it's very likely the case that Adderall is making you feel like there's so much more going on than there is - that's just what speed does. once you're past the debilitating 60-90 day period, you will slowly start to see how everything you did on Adderall just wasn't that important or challenging. that's why so many things feel "uninteresting" when you come off Adderall - because THEY ARE uninteresting lol. no one likes doing chores or busy work! 

i won't sugar coat this for you though - tapering takes A LOT of discipline, and the fact that you're presumably snorting(?) to feel the effects is not a good sign. look carefully at your track record thus far - it may be time to try something different like coming clean with your doctor and cutting off your supply.

[sweetupbaaby]

OP, I totally understand your desire to quit everything at once. I too felt like this. I wanted to be completely clean from everything and to start a new life. I still desire to do this, but the more you condemn yourself, the worse you will feel. I'm slowly learning to be understanding of myself, to take responsibility for my actions but to also understand that I am only human, not superhuman. Personally, I found it absolutely necessary to quit smoking cigarettes and adderall simultaneously as I knew these substances were having a huge negative impact on me. I am currently 24 days without smoking cigarettes today and 4 days without Adderall and I feel like hell. It took me over 15 attempts to quit smoking, but by the grace of God I am doing it somehow.

The fact that you want to quit is an accomplishment in itself. You WILL conquer all of this, but you need to be patient with yourself. Your body and brain are going to completely crash if you kick everything at once. You need to give your body months to heal and allow yourself to go through it.

I was addicted to Adderall for 4 years. I have tried to quit plenty of times, but after noticing some severe psychological distress and physical manifestations of illness I have decided to drop the habit for good. 

My doctor would prescribe me up to 100mg XR daily. At my worst, I was abusing up to 240mg XR a day, then I would buy concerta or vyvanse from my friends to make up for the missed days. During this time I was so paranoid and hostile, I was experiencing delusions and hallucinations and my body was severely malnourished and dehydrated. I would not sleep for up to a week at a time. I was so disassociated from reality.

My doctor would give me my script, along with 4 repeats and send me on my way for a few months. He would never ask any questions regarding the impact it may have been having on my mental health. I was obviously extremely disheveled in appearance and notably very different in my personality. 

Thank God that my doctor finally retired and said that I would not see him again. Without that happening, I believe I would very well be dead today. If it wasn't the Adderall that killed me it would have been the insane amount of cognac I drank along with the cocaine, benzos and other drugs I was using simultaneously.

I currently feel absolutely disconnected. I can't help but beat myself up over the guilt over the years I wasted, the people I hurt and the things I missed out on. Adderall made me very cruel to even my loved ones, and I did not care about anyone's feelings but my own. For all I knew, no one else had any feelings but myself. And the only feelings I experienced were hostility, aggression and jealously. Other than that I was completely flat. I was numb.

My appetite is now ravenous and no amount of food can keep me satisfied! I am always hungry! There is some strange comfort in being able to feel tired again and crawling into my bed after a long day of doing nothing. In this time of quarantine, I believe this Is the best time to quit Adderall if I am ever going to do it.

I have always been a writer and very articulate with my dialogue, now I feel like I can't spit out two words and put them together in a sentence. I feel like I have gone back to pre-K. I suppose my body is just trying to re-adjust after abusing it for so long. I am at the point where I cannot turn back. I refuse to ever be a slave to Adderall again. For anyone who wants to or is trying to quit, I believe one day you will hit a point yourself where you just cannot go on like this anymore. You will realize for better or for worse that you must quit this drug, there is no other choice. I felt like I was growing out of that Adderall mold and the only way to make room for all of me was to get out of my own way. I feel like I am so close to meeting my true self, but the only way to attain that is to become totally sober. It's one of the toughest things I have ever done. I have managed to kick an opiate addiction in the past and that pain cannot compare to the pain of kicking Adderall.

You are all absolute beasts for taking this challenge on. Cut yourself some slack for attempting this Demon. You are all so strong. These symptoms will pass. Each new day brings a clearer picture of what your future could hold. If the best I could do today was get out of bed to lay on the couch, I'm going to call it a success, because I refused to take a little orange or blue capsule to set me right. 

I know every day won't be like this. You're body and brain are crying out and begging you to slow down and give yourself time to heal. You will get your personality back. Give yourself time and take in the scenery. I believe there is something to learn in this period of rehabilitation.

God bless x

[DelaneyJuliette]

On 4/15/2020 at 5:56 PM, LuLamb said:

What might you tell a client in your shoes? 

I'm also learning that in order to stay sober, I have to make that my #1 priority. It's a drag, but it is simple and I keep learning the hard way that it's the only option. Every time I relapse I am disappointed. It simply isn't sustainable and my whole life suffers. Life without adderall is different, but when I think about what I really WANT, what my actual GOALS are, it's things like being responsible, being a good therapist, being a good friend and partner, etc etc...and I can't be those things when I'm on adderall. Even tho my addicted brain thinks I can. Thinks I can't be those things without adderall. 

A belief is just a thought we keep on thinking. Think some new thoughts. 

I hope you will involve your husband. If you want to work on your marriage, it seems like that has to happen. 

I would tell a client to cut off the supply, but if they aren't willing yet, I would work with them where they are.  I know a long taper worked last time, so I am going to try that again.  Starting tomorrow.  Yep, fully aware of the irony and addict thinking of that statment.  I feel like I don't have goals ... i mean... the only ones i feel like i can achieve are on adderall.  Clearly not true, but my mind tells me that.  I wish i could have someone with me when i get tempted to say fuck it and take it anyway.  I have been thinking some new thoughts though - i joined a group called Recovery Dharma and I am doing a small book study on Monday nights.  I have been totally honest there.  I also am doing 12 step based yoga on Thursday in addition to having done like 3 yoga classes last week which is a big deal for me.  Involving my husband is a tricky situation b/c we don't have the best relationship to begin with.  I did involve him when I quit for that month, but my resolve isn't there yet and I don't want to further exacerbate the parent/child dynamic.  I will involve him, but i feel like i need to first involve people who feel safe.  And I have.  I have also been totally honest with my therapist and a dear friend of mine in recovery in addition to this small group.  So things are changing.  And yet I am still not willing to go cold turkey.  So, I'll start with where I am and learn from what doesn't work.