Beginning of the end

[Kik]

Hi guys,

I've been lurking on the forum for a couple of weeks now I've gathered enough motivation to call it off for good. Like many of us here, my dex (Australian version of adderall) use is closely tied to academic performance. I'm actually completing my last 2 subjects of my bachelors degree and my final exam is in a week! I have been using stimulants for school-work since 16, so this is a huge jump after 5 years of use. Prior to stimulants, I was a disorganised, unmotivated mess who did everything last minute. I'm still the same person. The delusion of dex-fuelled efficiency is well and truly over. *sigh*

I thought I'd post this to hold myself accountable throughout this journey. I was committed to quitting two days ago, when I took 7.5mg IR and did shit all. All I felt was a stiff neck and regret. Yesterday, I had an insanely productive dex-free day using the pomodoro method. I made my way through 2.5 hours of lectures!!! I was driven out of pure spite for the drug and being fed-up with having no faith in myself - its a miserable way of life even with stims. The day before (on meds), I only made it through half a lecture. Then, this morning, I got through one horrendously boring lecture and caved around 2pm because I had some serious brain fog. The meds didn't take away the brain fog and actually added a couple of unwanted symptoms. So, I've decided today's dose is my last. 

This decision is scary and difficult, but I'm kinda nervous-excited for whats ahead. I'm only in my early 20's and these meds have ruined my body. I have cellulite all over my legs like a 60 year old lady. I'm pale and have chronic neck, back and jaw issues. I'm ready to pursuit my health, wellbeing and self-efficacy - all things that were stunted when I started taking meds at 16. I'm determined to start off positive. I've found myself laughing a lot more on my days off meds (something I previously didn't do) - particularly about how comically BORING tasks are. Like jeez, how the fuck did I ever watch 6 lectures in a day and not want to die? 

As I've decided to do this a week before the end of my degree, I've spent a lot of time reading into productivity tips on this site and elsewhere. If anyone needs some anti-procrastination info, I highly recommend this blog series by WaitbutWhy https://waitbutwhy.com/2013/10/why-procrastinators-procrastinate.html

Lets do this!!!!!!!!!!!!

[LuLamb]

CONGRATULATIONS!! I’m excited for you and look forward to following your progress!!

[sweetupbaaby]

Congratulations on taking this huge step.

You have a long road ahead but you can do this. Let your desire to live med-free counteract your desire to be productive for a while. I quit Adderall XR cold turkey about 2 weeks ago and it has been rough. I was on an extremely high dose, however. Though I feel less than up to par, each day is so exciting.

I see my skin clearing up, my anxiety has subsided, my racing thoughts are not nearly as chaotic as they were, everything has slowed down to a speed that I feel I can live at. I am starting to appreciate the beauty of life. When we're on stimulants we tend to miss all the little beauty life has to offer.

I too am in my 20's and it's devastating to see what Adderall has done to my skin. Cellulite and acne are a huge downer when it comes to Adderall. My skin is literally glowing after not being on my meds for 2 weeks. I think it's really important to establish a routine now. You don't have to be super productive or even productive at all. Just make sure to have some structure to your day. It will make your life alooot easier during this time. Day's will go by faster and you will feel like you are in control of some part of your life. Idle time will be your downfall. 

Try to go for a walk every day and get outside. There is no part of me that wants to get up and move. The only reason why I do it is because I know that it's good for me. I also know that it will really help my recovery over the long term. What you eat now is truly is essential- try your best to eat a nutrient-rich diet and drink lots of water. The first week that I quit, I indulged in so many sweets because my appetite was ravenous.

I see a massive difference now that I have cut out the sugar. Not only is my skin thanking me but my brain and my whole body is too. You can truly think a lot more clear without artificial sugar. I can't believe I took so long for me to realize tt. I am trying to stay away from all inflammatory food. The Paleo diet is great for getting clean and clear looking skin again- you should research it!

Most importantly remember to go easy on yourself. This is a huge step and it's the best one you can make for your health and well-being. Not only will you benefit from going med-free but your family and friends will too. You will start to understand the person you were on meds is a far cry from who your real self is and you will feel like a million bucks knowing that Every day you are one step closer to discovering the true meaning of living.

I wish you all the luck and I know that you can do this. God bless xx

[Kik]

Thanks @LuLamb and @sweetupbaaby

Congrats on 2 weeks! I can imagine that stopping a high dose cold turkey was not easy. I'm glad to hear your body has already shown signs of recovery after 2 weeks, how exciting! I'm really hoping the cellulite thing is fixable  I guess we'll find out in a couple of months....

I appreciate your advice on setting a routine. I definitely need to work on finding a routine and sticking to it. I have a bad sleeping pattern at the moment and I realised on meds my day was easily split into 'morning' and 'afternoon' doses. The insatiable hunger is making the routine even more confusing. I'm trying intermittent fasting as I noticed that I have felt pretty clear headed in the mornings until I eat a big meal. I assume it'll take some time to get in tune with my body. I'll have a look at the paleo diet for sure.

I'm hoping the pressure of exams will motivate me to stay productive. Once that's over I am 100% committed to doing absolutely nothing. I do think being productive atm will be a challenge... So far I can already feel major brain fog and almost scatterbrain, as well as general slower cognitive processing. I think the exam pressure is keeping my focus alive tho. I expect that to go once exams are over. On the other hand, recently on meds I've been more scatterbrained than ever. I couldn't find the words that I wanted to say and thoughts would come in fragments. I was on a relatively low dose but didn't see the value in just upping the dose to see if that would fix it. I guess thats a good reminder that I'm better off without them.

It's a long journey ahead but I'm glad for this site. I'm looking forward to hearing about your progress @sweetupbaaby. All the best and good luck! x

 

[Kik]

Update post.

A few days after these posts I ended up taking dex for a couple of days to manage the exam load as I didn't feel very confident in my capacity to study without it. I did manage to get through over 10 hours of lectures without it though, its more the note organisation + discipline that challenged me. However, since then its been 2 weeks and I've officially got a bachelors degree - not really with the marks I wanted either but we live and we learn. 

I have been feeling good physically, its nice not to hear my heart pounding all the time, to sleep properly and not feel emotionally empty at the end of the day.

Mentally, it's quite hard. I am unemployed and don't want to be, and without meds I feel very lost. I find the ebb and flow of motivation very annoying and I miss being able to make it appear out of thin air. I have really fallen out of sync with what 'normal' motivation levels are and how they don't appear when I want it to. The main thing is that I feel a major loss of confidence without meds and applying for jobs has me feeling down. It takes hours to write cover letters and I'm not really sure what job I even want... I have too much time to myself and the laziness is getting to me.  Sometimes I feel paralysed. It may be a life phase thing too - finishing a degree in the middle of a pandemic and on-coming economic recession (maybe even depression) isn't the best either.