Energy and Marriage - 8 months off - Need your help

[StAnne0822]

I was officially 8 months off adderall on July 1st and it hurts to know the hold it had on me.  I took it as a prescription daily for 10 years,  30 mg xr.  It ended up causing pyschotic effects with mania, paranoia,  delusional thoughts and many physical issues, yet I took it daily believing I was perfect!  It hurt my marriage that I'm trying to now save!  I'm running out of energy daily and I know it's both exhaustion from the lack of stimulant as well as focusing my energy to save my marriage.   Any helpful advice on regaining your energy? I'm trying protein shakes,  high protein diet and still I am sluggish.   Any thoughts on how I can explain to my wife adderall made me out of control for years?  I'm now telling people I was on it and I hear "that explains a lot" or "that explains your odd behavior".  I appreciate your help!

[Ready4Change]

7 hours ago, StAnne0822 said:

I was officially 8 months off adderall on July 1st and it hurts to know the hold it had on me.  I took it as a prescription daily for 10 years,  30 mg xr.  It ended up causing pyschotic effects with mania, paranoia,  delusional thoughts and many physical issues, yet I took it daily believing I was perfect!  It hurt my marriage that I'm trying to now save!  I'm running out of energy daily and I know it's both exhaustion from the lack of stimulant as well as focusing my energy to save my marriage.   Any helpful advice on regaining your energy? I'm trying protein shakes,  high protein diet and still I am sluggish.   Any thoughts on how I can explain to my wife adderall made me out of control for years?  I'm now telling people I was on it and I hear "that explains a lot" or "that explains your odd behavior".  I appreciate your help!

Congratulations on 8 months and staying strong through this difficult phase of your recovery. I have some potentially  good news for you but please be aware that we are all so different and my experience is mine alone. I used 60mg of Adderall per day for ten years and then lowered to 40mg for 5 years. I was on Adderall as prescribed for 15 years without a single day break. The exhaustion and lack of energy after I quit lasted me about 11 months. It was brutal. I also had a laundry list of other horrific PAWS related issues. Around the 11 month mark I started getting more restless and agitated and I began experiencing the need to pace and I could no longer take naps or lay around. This was a good sign but it also created new challenges that created new hardships. My central nervous system has become hyper alert and overwhelmed. I quickly learned that I needed to move and rigorous exercise became a necessary part of my daily routine.  You are going to get through this difficult time. Please be patient and hang on tight. 

[speedracer]

Absolutely, congrats on 8 months! You have come a long way baby! I hope you keep going. You should be getting to the good stuff soon. Your energy should come back and increase month by month. There will be continued waves of weakness and fatigue, but you will get some good days and weeks too.  I am on month 12, and last week before the 4th, I had my best  week so far. It was the first full week of productivity without losing days to fatigue. yay! . A huge milestone for me.

My wife sometimes misses the old social me, where I could party like a rockstar, have fun with anyone, and blast away with on high dopamine, but she tells me regularly how much better I am today on a day to day basis. And because of this site, she understands I will go through cycles of fatigue where I cant do anything productive. I am doing my best to stay positive. I think positive affirmations are huge. We have to change our patterns of thought, our habits of thinking from negative to positive. "We are getting better and better." " We are healthier and stronger than before. We are more at peace. Our marriages continue to improve."

Create affirmations to counter the negative thoughts. "I am strong and energetic". "I have what it takes to get through this."  "My marriage is getting better and better every day and in every way". Our daily consciousness impacts our final outcomes. It was so easy to think positively on the medication but now its really hard. With humility and self empathy, we need to rebuild our self image without the meds.  Its so hard to do but I am starting to make affirmations a habit.  i challenge you to try it for 30 days. 

 

[StAnne0822]

Thank you for this!  My wife believes I had control when the hospital I went to has explained I experienced pyschotic effects from adderall.  I was experiencing mania, paranoia,  delusional thoughts,  anehedonia and I had so many physical issues from the side effects of this evil drug that I never needed or should've had prescribed to me.  She believes I had control over the effects that caused to behave horribly.  I was irritable,  I lied, I was unable to concentrate and apparently told my Dr 2 years ago I wasn't enjoying life.  The hospital I checked into in November explained that my primary care was negligent as he watched me shake, have a high heart rate, sweat, talk about anxiety,  have stomach problems and each year he'd give me a 10 minute test,  tell me I had ADHD and "needed" adderall.   It was killing me and hurting everyone around me.  Thank you for the positive words.  I'm trying to encourage my wife to visit this site, heal with me for our kids, for each other...once I took adderall I lost control!

[StAnne0822]

@speedracer thank you!

[SleepyStupid]

17 hours ago, StAnne0822 said:

Thank you for this!  My wife believes I had control when the hospital I went to has explained I experienced pyschotic effects from adderall.  I was experiencing mania, paranoia,  delusional thoughts,  anehedonia and I had so many physical issues from the side effects of this evil drug that I never needed or should've had prescribed to me.  She believes I had control over the effects that caused to behave horribly.  I was irritable,  I lied, I was unable to concentrate and apparently told my Dr 2 years ago I wasn't enjoying life.  The hospital I checked into in November explained that my primary care was negligent as he watched me shake, have a high heart rate, sweat, talk about anxiety,  have stomach problems and each year he'd give me a 10 minute test,  tell me I had ADHD and "needed" adderall.   It was killing me and hurting everyone around me.  Thank you for the positive words.  I'm trying to encourage my wife to visit this site, heal with me for our kids, for each other...once I took adderall I lost control!

i'm not a marriage counselor or anything of the sort, but i get the sense that it's not just about believing you or not. it seems like your wife has gone through a lot of pain as a result of your use, and it just doesn't seem to be fair to her that everything is explained away simply by "it was the drugs". there's no comfort or closure in that for her.

to be honest, all of your posts actually read like you're playing the victim card way too heavily. maybe she feels like you're robbing her of being the victim?

i don't mean to sound like i'm discrediting you or defending medical institutions, but you probably need to take a bit more responsibility for your actions, even if they were under the influence. 10 years is a long time to have no idea what's going on with your life.

[StAnne0822]

@sleepystupid I am ashamed of my behavior!  I know she is a victim,  and I know the use of the medication became progressively worse on my brain, causing pyschotic effects that I now can look back on and say I was not normal.  I've never done drugs in my life, had no idea I was high, was with a therapist for 7 weeks while I started on it and now know she gravitates to the prescription approach...completely wrong!!!  I took the medication and saw my primary care physician twice a year because of my heart rate and family history of stroke, which that alone should've stopped my dr.  Many other side effects were visible to him and documented in my medical records as the hospital confirmed he should've pulled me.  We are both victims is my point and in a marriage,  it should be a partnership in sickness and in health.  I increasingly had issues thinking,  being happy,  became suicidal,  and couldn't understand what was wrong,  then each morning pop that pill and all was good, drink at night to sleep as I couldn't shut off!!  I had no idea the drug was "speed", and took it as I was told I needed it, felt horrible when I didn't so I believed it.  It made me believe nothing was wrong, then I look back after 10 days in the hospital in December and now 80 hours of therapy to fully understand it caused me to experience psychotic effects that grew exponentially worse and dangerous.  In talking with friends who had no idea I was on a medication I now tell them and they say "that explains a lot".  My wife, my kids, and I are all victims.  My kids almost didn't have a father after November when I experienced an amphetamine driven break.  It was hell, the drug should be banned and I hope anyone who is reading this and is married to someone taking it...get that person help and off it.  If you are taking it and reading this, take a long look at yourself and your behavior and seek help....both of which I wish happened for me years ago!!!    I appreciate your feedback and hope you understand there is a lot to this, but to have every physical issue resolved that I had over 10 years, all mental issues resolved,  tells me my Dr was negligent for keeping me on the drug.  You have no idea when you are on it that long that anything is wrong....to me everyone else was wrong for years....didn't matter what it was, I was always right and I know that isn't the truth,  that was the most insidious thing the drug did to me.