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About speedracer

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  1. Coping Mechanisms

    Wonderful response SS! I went through my own series of traumas and I am not sure I could have survived without adderall. But then again, sometimes I wonder if taking the adderall contributed to a pattern of thinking that attracted the next trauma. "As a man thinketh, so he is". Mine started off with the loss of my family. My grief was beyond and I wasnt able to function. Adderall kickstarted my life so I could manage. It pulled me out of the mud of depression and grief. But then I made a career decisions, took on an large start up company, which ended up in further truama. Again adderall helped get me through it and helped me fight for my life. I prevailed. But again, sometimes I wonder if my adderallic thinking put me into those predicaments in the first place. Then after my most recent clash with trauma, and suffering from a total burnout from the stress, trauma, and adderall, I finally surrendered and took action by quitting adderall and alcohol, went to AA, got a sponsor, and read tons of material by Emmit Fox like "The power of constructive thinking", " The sermon on the Mount", etc. and started to use the sprituial tools suggested in AA and Emmit Fox. It really worked for me. So it was the spiritual programs and literature that gave me the tools to cope. I learned to apply them in my daily life. And this forum is also a major tool. It helped me understand that becuase of my longterm use and trauma, its going to take up to 2 years to get well again. I gave myself permission to focus on recovery above my career or anything else for at least two years. I worked part time becuase I really couldnt work full time anyway without gettin back on the adderall. I was totally fried up. Crispy critter! Nothing left in the engine. Grinding gears. You know what I am talkiing about. The scary thing about truama is it creates patterns of thought that get embedded in our pscyhe. Adderall agravates the patterns of negative thoughts. We need tools to break those patterns up and the best tool for me was prayer and meditation and doing the 12 steps. Health and fitness also got my self esteem going. Giving myself permission to heal above all else! Giving myself permission to feel like a loser for up to two years has paid off enormously. I am almost there at 22.5 months and the last few months continue to show massive improvements. Geeze, its crazy how much my life has improved over the past two years and all the trauma and drama are gone. I think they are gone for good. I also took a greif class at the local church. Taking actions daily becomes a long term investment of health and recovery and soon enough you will realize life is good and you are free!!! I hope this helps.
  2. On monday this week, I got a ton of energy and clairty. I felt unstoppable. So excited. I am back!!! Better than adderall. No side affects. I prayed I made a break through. The next day I woke up and it was back to the same old sluggish recovery. Good performance for 1/2 day then lethargic. I am comming up on 2 years. I know that I will continue to improve, but I thought for a second I had made it all the way back. I got through the rest of the week ok, but nothing like monday. Does anyone else relate?
  3. That was a great post Taylor - I am glad you found this site. It really helped me get past the toughest stages. telling your story on this forum is a great start on your road to recovery. We can all relate on different levels. The loss of personality, health, and ability to love in a healthy way is scary. The only thing I cant relate to is being a mom.I suggest you have an emergency plan for your baby when times get tough. Some sort of child care back up plan when or if you get hit with PAWS - It usually lasted 2 to 3 days for me - as long as I took action like hiking, nutrition, prayer, it passed. And hitting this site during those periods helped me understand it will pass and we are not alone. Hopefully you can get enough support from Dad, but if he has to work, maybe you can find someone else who can help. Build a support network. I did 12 step program for the first 18 months and it was super helpful. Doing the steps is a guarantee for a better life. Look forward to hearing about your success.
  4. Hi Dolssa, I am sorry for your relapse. You got a year and thats darn good. Get back on that horse. I love the phrase, "progress not perfection". You got this. Coincidentally, I had conversation with an old friend yesterday about my failures at quitting Adderall in the past. He always encouraged me to quit. I told him I have 21 months. He was happy and surprised. I would always get some good time under my belt, even up to 8 months, then give up because my mood, ADD symptoms, fog brain, and depression overwhelmed me. I always figured I was the person who needs Adderall to survive in this crazy world. Its prescribed for a reason, and I was the reason. I never understood how long it takes for the brain to heal and recover from long term use. Our dopamine systems are shot. I think it takes 2 years to reach some sort of baseline. I have 21 months and still notice improvement. I did start taking Wellbutrin at 14 months or so because my wife insisted I had depression. It wasnt all about the withdrawl, or PAWS. I needed some more help than abstinence and sobriety. I took her advise, talked to my doctor and got a prescription for Wellbutrin. It worked for me and no side effects as far as I can tell. My quality of life got way better. I will probably wean off of it at the 2 year mark and see how it goes. So for me, addressing the depression was a big step forward. I enjoy golf and socializing now, I drink with friends about once a week. Before I had no interest in anything. I also think we live in an age of severe stress which contributes to depression. With the underlying recovery issues we face, the world and its stresses are likely to trigger at least some mild depression. And I think working a spiritual program daily is critical.
  5. 21 Month Progress Report

    Close! yes..my date is June 18, 2019.
  6. 21 Month Progress Report

    Hello there. I wanted to check in and post an update. I am 3 months away from the big two year milestone and life continues to improve. Thank you Lord!!!! Sometime around 15 months, I started taking Wellbutrin and it really did help me with the anadenia/depression symptoms. Everything was getting better and better until we bought a new house. Yippee...big news for us after quitting Adderall, but the stress from moving brought back the blues. Buying a new house should have been a highlight, and it is, but its been hard to enjoy it. Major stress was something I was lucky to avoid until the move. Its been 30 days now and I am so much better again. I got a stress rash for the first time and it kinda freaked me out. We are almost done with the adjustment phase. In a previous post I promised to share my experience with alcohol. After 18 months of total sobriety, I gave it a try. My wife wanted to celebrate on her birthday with margaritas and we went for it. It was fun. I have been drinking socially about once per week since and have had some good times feeling normal again. I did get sloppy one night for my friends 50th birthday, but what the hek. If for any reason, alcohol becomes a problem, I will hang up my cleats. Based on the progress the year, I am excited to reach the two year mark. I hope and expect my brain to improve further. Based on other timelines, we can expect to see improvements into the 3rd or 4th year. My work performance is probably at 60-70%. I would love to be at 80-90% without meds. My partner at work says he definitely noticed a big difference pre vs post Adderall. I am lucky to have a supportive partner at work and at home. Anyway, that’s it for now. Keep on trucking my friends. Have a great Easter.
  7. Great post. Thanks for sharing. What a wild ride indeed. One year is HUGE!!!!!

    Congrats on 20 months! And two years is right around the corner. I am running on a parallel track. I got 20 months too. I've been so much better I havent been on this site too much either. This site has been such a great support for the past 20 months. I think I still get some PAWS even at 20 months. But overall, so much better. My wife still cant believe she put up with my adderall for so long. She says I am a completely different person. We laugh all the time now. And I am excited that we still have more room for improvement. Have a great weekend. Thanks for sharing.
  9. 2yrs

    So happy for you! Congrats!! Two years is so great! 2 years is huge because I think it takes two years for the brain to heal and adjust after long term use. Thank you for your words of encouragement.
  10. Wellbutrin During Withdrawal

    HI Ruby, (20 year adderallic - 18 months clean - 3 months on Wellbutrin) I started Wellbutrin 15 months into my recovery and after 30 days felt better. I take 100 mg in the morning and another 100 at lunch time. My depression/ Anhedonia has lifted. I started golfing again and I love it. Socializing is easier. Work performance is getting better. I feel no side effects at all. I learned about Wellbutrin from other posts and Cassidy in particular who provided an amazing timeline on this site. I kinda wish I started taking the Wellbutrin a little sooner but I was convinced it was just part of part of my recovery. My wife insisted I was depressed and should talk to a doctor and I reluctantly agreed. Not only is it working for my depression, but its also helpful for underlying ADD which is why I started taking Adderall in the first place. I am hoping to take if for 6-9 months and then wean off it. Good News! I woke this morning and for the first time since I quit Adderall 18 months ago, I wanted to go through my mail and pay my bills. I just finished going through a stack of mail, paid bills and it didn't bother me at all. Haha... For me, this is a really good sign. ..so my condition continues to improve. I am so grateful I made it 18 months and grateful to those who post their experiences so I can learn to manage this recovery better. In my heart and mind, I set myself up with the expectation, that my brain needs 2 years to recover from the prolonged use of adderall. I also learned that from this site. I am almost there. And its true, its feeling like it will take about 2 years more or less. Good luck!
  11. Sobriety and rocky relationship

    Wow, you really are fighting the good fight. And hats off to your boyfriend for standing by your side. I spent a lot of time looking at my resentments in the first year. I learned in AA literature that we have a choice about our resentments. We can chose to let them go. I practiced doing that and boy things improved overnight. So many battles disappeared. Besides AA's big book, another great book was Dr. Marshal Rosenberg's "Non-violent communications". Ever since I studied that book, and learned about "unmet" needs, I was able to navigate my love life. Its an amazing book and has amazing concepts. We all need to find ways or come up with strategies to get our basic needs met. When I put too much pressure on my wife to meet all my needs, its a disaster. Now when either of us get upset, we do our best to avoid being critical and start thinking about what needs are going unmet. Empathy? Nature? Nurture? Creativiity? Purpose? Its fun when we start getting some awareness about the subject. And find new ways to get those needs met. .God bless you on your journey. 5 months is huge...keep it up. ...
  12. I started doing Wellbutrin 3 months ago.Happy with results. Doesnt feel like Im taking anything at all, but I seem to have lost the depression. Almost 18 months off the speed and I almost back to baseline before adderall started. Definitely talk to your therapist about Wellbutrin too.
  13. A lapse in time

    Hey Sweetupbaby! I appreciate your honesty. I remember when you wrote about your plan to work full time and I remember thinking, "oh no" I couldnt do it. I tried so many times but when the chips were down and I needed to perform at work, I went back to the adderall. I never felt like I had a choice. I finally quit for good (at least I have 17 months) because this last time, I prepared myself for 100% total disability for at least 30 days...like a self imposed rehab program...and then limit my work to part time from there. I had to build that into my recovery plan. I had been trying to quit for 10 years and work always took me out. I have a stressful occupation, so if you can find easy work, thats different. IMHO, we all need to prepare for 3 months of total disability and then another 9 months of partial disability with part time work. On top of all that, we now have the insane challenges of 2020. We need to manage our stress levels. Meetings are great. Finding a sponsor would be awesome. I pray God gives you the time and space to heal and find balance before getting back into the thick of your career.
  14. Great report Brit. Thanks for checking in. Ironically, month 8 was easier for me than month 9. Its so non-linear. I want to encourage you to keep going. I am about to hit 17 months in 2 days. I am twice as good as I was at 8 months. The progress is real. I am sure I was masking some underlying depression too. I went through some tough losses and battles which took their toll and I think I was able to push through it all kind of numbed up on the go go juice. Crazy how normal and peaceful my life is today compared to 10 years ago. Thank you Lord.
  15. Exhaustion

    What a great answer to a tough question Sleepy Stupid. I wasnt sure how to respond. "It depends on how you define exhaustion". At 15 months I started on Wellbutrin and it has helped lift a depression I didnt know I had. I have been taking it for two months and its really helped me with my "exhaustion". I still have days of anhedonia and depression, but so so much better for the past 30 days. Quaility of Life is better. Its actually good. I dont feel like "Whats the point?" anymore. 20 years of perscribed adderall really sucked all the feel good chemicles and life energy right out of me. I didnt expect to feel better until after two years, but I think the wellbutrin may be making a big difference. Just wanted to put that out there. Everybody is different.