Almost relapsed. Thank you all

[EthericTraveler]

Hello everyone.

A heartfelt THANK YOU to each of you for sharing your story.

a little recap. For about 2.5 years I was taking Dexedrine, then adderrall only 2-3 times a week. I never took it daily. I used it in conjunction with psychotherapy to help me become aware of unconscious traumas and begin to heal. It actually did serve a useful purpose in the beginning. I actually did manage to break free from a decade long depression. But it now has no purpose for me.

I posted here back in January that I was done with adderrall forever. That determination lasted a little over a month or so, before I felt this overwhelming sense of dread and relapsed. That first day taking it, I justified it because I said, “but, I’m only taking 20-40 mg once or twice a week. So, it’s fine.” Wrong. Although this justification lasted a while, I decided again to quit again a little over a month ago (early June) and felt those pangs of justification again this morning. I decided to read some of your stories on here and I decided not to. I’m done with the constant highs and lows. I’m done with burning my future potential all for some clarity and relief right now. And I’m confident that I can achieve a greater sense of well being WITHOUT the drug, through meditation, attachment with thoughts that lift me up rather than bring me down, diet and exercise. I’ve forgotten what my brain was like before the influence of adderrall, even from not using it every day. I can’t imagine the withdrawal for those who take high doses daily, my heart goes out to you. Stay strong, everyone. 
 

peace

[EthericTraveler]

I’m curious. I’d like to ask you guys, has anyone here quit after only using the drug regularly a few times a week (as opposed to daily) care to share how you realized it was still detrimental for you and your road to recovery? Or direct me to a good related story already on the forum?

[letsgetzooted]

I have a similar question, EthericTraveler. I have been taking adderall for 6 years but for the first 5 only took it once or twice a week. Year 6 is when I became absolutely dependent and addicted (taking 100mg + per day for some weeks) and chased the high rather than using it to be productive.... 

 

I am still not convinced my life will be better without it and although I am detoxing for 30 days, I still want it in my life a few times a month. I believe that if I can live without it, it will be okay to take and enjoy every so often. Is this mindset messed up?? I want to get back to where I was before I became dependent. I did not look forward to taking it, just took it when I had 100 things to do and needed to focus. 

 

Do you think I am not ready to quick if this is my mindset?

[SleepyStupid]

15 hours ago, letsgetzooted said:

I have a similar question, EthericTraveler. I have been taking adderall for 6 years but for the first 5 only took it once or twice a week. Year 6 is when I became absolutely dependent and addicted (taking 100mg + per day for some weeks) and chased the high rather than using it to be productive.... 

i think you've answered your own question here. to be honest, if Adderall didn't any negative side effects or risk of addiction or affect on your loved ones, no one would stop taking it. there is always a trade off with drugs, whether you recognize it yet or not. in your case, you make it seem like you were in control for 5 years, but honestly what you were doing was eroding your internal motivation circuits.. you conditioned yourself to rely on a pill when the going got tough. perhaps you subconsciously shifted around your priorities or work to align with pill days or something to that effect.

15 hours ago, letsgetzooted said:

I believe that if I can live without it, it will be okay to take and enjoy every so often. Is this mindset messed up??

the problem with this logic is that your addicted mind could very easy rationalize anything if it means getting back to the pills. a 30 day detox simply becomes a drug vacation if you've already decided you're going back to the pill after it's over. if you really want to test yourself, try a 90 day break.

15 hours ago, letsgetzooted said:

I want to get back to where I was before I became dependent. I did not look forward to taking it, just took it when I had 100 things to do and needed to focus. 

i'm sorry to say but once you've crossed over to binge abuse like you've described, you have about a 0% chance of going back to "normal" use. 

[EthericTraveler]

18 hours ago, letsgetzooted said:

I have a similar question, EthericTraveler. I have been taking adderall for 6 years but for the first 5 only took it once or twice a week. Year 6 is when I became absolutely dependent and addicted (taking 100mg + per day for some weeks) and chased the high rather than using it to be productive.... 

 

I am still not convinced my life will be better without it and although I am detoxing for 30 days, I still want it in my life a few times a month. I believe that if I can live without it, it will be okay to take and enjoy every so often. Is this mindset messed up?? I want to get back to where I was before I became dependent. I did not look forward to taking it, just took it when I had 100 things to do and needed to focus. 

 

Do you think I am not ready to quick if this is my mindset?

Letsgetzooted, I was in a very similar space as you. A while before I went back to once a week usage, I told myself, “okay, adderrall once a month is fine.” I was trying to convince myself that adderrall used in extreme moderation, and used with the intention of facilitating my own inner work to overcome trauma (and not used as a means to escape from reality) was perfectly healthy. But even still, something was off. And then, it hit me. Why do I feel like I’m back at square one, even after all the adderrall-induced inner-work I’ve done?  I realized that anytime I am relying on some outer thing, (be it a drug, another person, food, alcohol) to achieve a particular inner-experience, I am not really learning how to achieve that experience naturally... I’m putting on the training wheels so to speak. So whether I take it once a week, or once a month, or once a year, it is unhealthy for me, because it is forcing my brain into an unnatural state, which ironically creates more suffering for me in the long term, its not teaching me how to self-source, stabilize and achieve joy through natural means.

thats not to say that adderrall did not serve a useful purpose in the beginning. I was in a severe, almost catatonic state of depression - sometimes a “jolt” is necessary to get a footing into healthy, balanced living.

I hope that helps. :-)

 

[EthericTraveler]

6 hours ago, sleepystupid said:

the problem with this logic is that your addicted mind could very easy rationalize anything if it means getting back to the pills. a 30 day detox simply becomes a drug vacation if you've already decided you're going back to the pill after it's over. if you really want to test yourself, try a 90 day break.

Sleepystupid, you make a great point here. There is no limit to the rationalization a mind will conjure up in order to avoid letting go of something that provides temporary relief. This is why so many of my drug vacations were successful, because I told myself, “just stop taking it for 30 days, then as a reward you get to take it again, and it’s gonna be an awesome day!” I get through the 30 days, I take the pill, the pill wears off, then I’m back at square one. It’s like being on a treadmill, essentially. No growth, just perpetuating a cycle that doesn’t get me any closer to living the life I want to live.
 

I am in awe of the strength and wisdom of the people in this forum - I’m grateful to have an outlet to share what I’m feeling anytime I sense I’m on the brink of relapse - having that outlet enables me to take a step back and say, “no more. I’m putting this drug behind me, and that’s that!”

[letsgetzooted]

3 hours ago, EthericTraveler said:

Letsgetzooted, I was in a very similar space as you. A while before I went back to once a week usage, I told myself, “okay, adderrall once a month is fine.” I was trying to convince myself that adderrall used in extreme moderation, and used with the intention of facilitating my own inner work to overcome trauma (and not used as a means to escape from reality) was perfectly healthy. But even still, something was off. And then, it hit me. Why do I feel like I’m back at square one, even after all the adderrall-induced inner-work I’ve done?  I realized that anytime I am relying on some outer thing, (be it a drug, another person, food, alcohol) to achieve a particular inner-experience, I am not really learning how to achieve that experience naturally... I’m putting on the training wheels so to speak. So whether I take it once a week, or once a month, or once a year, it is unhealthy for me, because it is forcing my brain into an unnatural state, which ironically creates more suffering for me in the long term, its not teaching me how to self-source, stabilize and achieve joy through natural means.

Can I ask you.... are you completely sober and don't use anything else to continue these "natural experiences"? If you wake up and feel tired... do you drink coffee or do you think that is bad? It sounds like you try not to rely on anything at all..... And I guess I do agree with this, although I feel I am not quite there yet. I do rely on people, I rely on food (I have left overeating disorder mentality which makes quitting even harder), I abuse alcohol sometimes when I feel insecure. Yeah adderall is the same thing. But if I am still struggling internally and using things to treat that in other ways, why is there so much emphasis on Adderall? Isn't that the least bad for me especially when compared to alcohol or nicotine? I guess I do not agree that forcing my brain into an unnatural state is unhealthy. I don't see anything wrong with having a crazy productive tweaker day once a month. But the reason I am here is that it got WAY out of hand. Clearly still is if I am clenching my teeth with tears in my eyes wishing I could pop a pill that is sitting in my car because I am an idiot and let my psychiatrist talk me into a refilll...... 

15 minutes ago, EthericTraveler said:

Sleepystupid, you make a great point here. There is no limit to the rationalization a mind will conjure up in order to avoid letting go of something that provides temporary relief. This is why so many of my drug vacations were successful, because I told myself, “just stop taking it for 30 days, then as a reward you get to take it again, and it’s gonna be an awesome day!” I get through the 30 days, I take the pill, the pill wears off, then I’m back at square one. It’s like being on a treadmill, essentially. No growth, just perpetuating a cycle that doesn’t get me any closer to living the life I want to live.

Isn't temporary relief ok? Don't we all need that? Isn't that what a vacation to Mexico is? But yeah I realized yesterday the only thing getting me through the 30 days is knownig I can take it again. I am losing site of why I don't want to take it. 

 

IMPORTANT QUESTION: Do any of you know chemically speaking if taking Adderall 2 weeks after quitting will reset the detox even if it is a small dose? My withdrawals are not that bad and I have a hard time believing that a small dose will undo all of the progress. I am in graduate school and stressed AF. I do not have the luxury to "take it easy the first 30 days" and am drowning and could potentially lose a lot if I don't complete this program well. Maybe now isn't the time to quit cold turkey, rather become mindful of why I need it and take less. I am lost. Please help. I am 2 minutes towards relapse. 

[EthericTraveler]

28 minutes ago, letsgetzooted said:

Can I ask you.... are you completely sober and don't use anything else to continue these "natural experiences"? If you wake up and feel tired... do you drink coffee or do you think that is bad? It sounds like you try not to rely on anything at all..... And I guess I do agree with this, although I feel I am not quite there yet. I do rely on people, I rely on food (I have left overeating disorder mentality which makes quitting even harder), I abuse alcohol sometimes when I feel insecure. Yeah adderall is the same thing. But if I am still struggling internally and using things to treat that in other ways, why is there so much emphasis on Adderall? Isn't that the least bad for me especially when compared to alcohol or nicotine? I guess I do not agree that forcing my brain into an unnatural state is unhealthy. I don't see anything wrong with having a crazy productive tweaker day once a month. But the reason I am here is that it got WAY out of hand. Clearly still is if I am clenching my teeth with tears in my eyes wishing I could pop a pill that is sitting in my car because I am an idiot and let my psychiatrist talk me into a refilll...... 

Isn't temporary relief ok? Don't we all need that? Isn't that what a vacation to Mexico is? But yeah I realized yesterday the only thing getting me through the 30 days is knownig I can take it again. I am losing site of why I don't want to take it. 

 

IMPORTANT QUESTION: Do any of you know chemically speaking if taking Adderall 2 weeks after quitting will reset the detox even if it is a small dose? My withdrawals are not that bad and I have a hard time believing that a small dose will undo all of the progress. I am in graduate school and stressed AF. I do not have the luxury to "take it easy the first 30 days" and am drowning and could potentially lose a lot if I don't complete this program well. Maybe now isn't the time to quit cold turkey, rather become mindful of why I need it and take less. I am lost. Please help. I am 2 minutes towards relapse. 

forcing your brain into an unnatural state can be beneficial temporarily to give you an experience of “other than”, ie breaking free from the loop of depressive thoughts that I was talking about. But once you’ve had the experience, you have a point of reference that you didn’t have before, so for me, the most beneficial thing I can do is find a way to achieve that state without the drug.

I was in grad school (eventually withdrew) and was completely overwhelmed and can imagine how much relief the adderrall can provide. But what would happen if you didn’t take it? Do you really think you would lose everything? There has to be way to keep afloat, even if it means taking caffeine or something more minimal that doesn’t overload dopamine receptors. 
 

 I still drink coffee, yes. And I still on occasion eat unhealthy food or more recently use Kratom for pain relief, and yes, this is not ideal. I’ve only just quit adderrall 40 days ago, and I’m okay with using these things temporarily to fill the gap that’s missing for adderrall - I’m not taking the adderrall, and that’s a win. I’m slowly weening myself off, it’s a gradual process. I could just go cold turkey and quit everything, but realistically, the chances of maintaining that forever are slim, so for me personally, letting go of unhealthy things slowly and gradually is key. 
 

[letsgetzooted]

7 hours ago, EthericTraveler said:

forcing your brain into an unnatural state can be beneficial temporarily to give you an experience of “other than”, ie breaking free from the loop of depressive thoughts that I was talking about. But once you’ve had the experience, you have a point of reference that you didn’t have before, so for me, the most beneficial thing I can do is find a way to achieve that state without the drug.

I was in grad school (eventually withdrew) and was completely overwhelmed and can imagine how much relief the adderrall can provide. But what would happen if you didn’t take it? Do you really think you would lose everything? There has to be way to keep afloat, even if it means taking caffeine or something more minimal that doesn’t overload dopamine receptors. 
 

 I still drink coffee, yes. And I still on occasion eat unhealthy food or more recently use Kratom for pain relief, and yes, this is not ideal. I’ve only just quit adderrall 40 days ago, and I’m okay with using these things temporarily to fill the gap that’s missing for adderrall - I’m not taking the adderrall, and that’s a win. I’m slowly weening myself off, it’s a gradual process. I could just go cold turkey and quit everything, but realistically, the chances of maintaining that forever are slim, so for me personally, letting go of unhealthy things slowly and gradually is key. 
 

Thank you for your quick reply. I feel better knowing someone has shared similar experiences. Well.... I was 14 days in and took some today. I feel like a horrible failure. It's like how many times do I have to try it once more to quickly remember why I want to quit? That cannot be good. 

 

So you quit cold turkey and are 40 days in... how often do you crave it? I would love to hear more about your personal journey. Hopefully you can be my inspiration. 

[EthericTraveler]

3 hours ago, letsgetzooted said:

Thank you for your quick reply. I feel better knowing someone has shared similar experiences. Well.... I was 14 days in and took some today. I feel like a horrible failure. It's like how many times do I have to try it once more to quickly remember why I want to quit? That cannot be good. 

 

So you quit cold turkey and are 40 days in... how often do you crave it? I would love to hear more about your personal journey. Hopefully you can be my inspiration. 

Thank you for your honesty. It’s okay that you relapsed. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Remember that the journey of a hundred miles begins with the first step. But once you reach 10 miles or so, you likely won’t be thinking about taking the adderall nearly as much. Sure, there’s always a risk of relapsing. But it gets easier. Do you really want to commit to quitting? Flush what you have down the toilet. Tear your prescriptions up. Don’t go back to the psychiatrist. I did that once and it did helped a lot.

I don’t crave it nearly as much as I did those first few weeks. The craving still kicks in every now and again. When I recognize those thoughts that cleverly try to convince me it’s okay to just take a little bit of adderrall, no matter what the reasoning may be, I separate myself from those thoughts, and push them further and further away from my mind. I visualize them dissipating. I keep doing this over and over. It really does work for me. 

if you have any other questions, I’d be happy to answer.

[SleepyStupid]

17 hours ago, letsgetzooted said:

I don't see anything wrong with having a crazy productive tweaker day once a month.

frankly i agree - in my mind there's nothing morally wrong with drugs in general - the problem is it's never just once a month 

17 hours ago, EthericTraveler said:

I still drink coffee, yes. And I still on occasion eat unhealthy food or more recently use Kratom for pain relief, and yes, this is not ideal. I’ve only just quit adderrall 40 days ago, and I’m okay with using these things temporarily to fill the gap that’s missing for adderrall - I’m not taking the adderrall, and that’s a win. I’m slowly weening myself off, it’s a gradual process. I could just go cold turkey and quit everything, but realistically, the chances of maintaining that forever are slim, so for me personally, letting go of unhealthy things slowly and gradually is key. 

i think that's a fairly healthy attitude. it's kind of hard to lump Adderall in with other things like alcohol, food, caffeine, even weed - because Adderall is genuinely a much more powerful psychostimulant with a high risk of dependence and addiction. there's a reason why it's a prescription unlike the rest of those things.

[DrewK15]

@EthericTraveler @letsgetzooted pay attention to how other things such as food, alcohol, weed, etc. impact your desire and cravings for Adderall. The day after drinking, post-smoking fog, etc. made me crave Adderall because I desired the clarity. When I would eat candy and fast food I also desired Adderall because those things make me feel like garbage and Adderall is really good at masking ‘feeling like garbage’.  

I quit weed and alcohol at the same time as Adderall. I wouldn’t have been able to quit without doing it that way. A year into recovery I quit nicotine and started eating much better and it only helped lower my desire to use. This was my experience, take it as you will. You’re on the right path.