Sigh

[sweetupbaaby]

******I'm just realizing this now, but maybe I should have mentioned before that I've been diagnosed BPD with manic depression. I don't want to potentially mislead anyone who thinks my symptoms may be attributed to Adderall withdrawal when in fact they may be connected to mental illness. That doesn't downplay how shitty it is to withdrawal from Adderall.

Yesterday, I was put back on my mood stabilizer for BPD. I should have never come off them. Hopefully, that might take the edge off, and I truly hope I get the balls to flush the Adderall I just purchased today.

I'm in such a tough position and I feel like there is no winning to this situation.

Yesterday I took a trip to the ER because I was having racing thoughts and suicidal ideation and my therapist mentioned I should go. I had a full assessment done and I had told the Doctor I had come off all of my medication 3 months ago. I told him I was on Adderall XR but I was abusing the medication so I came off of it. 

This is what's wrong with the world....

For one...I had mentioned I feel like harming myself or someone else and they did not admit me into psych. My file mentions violent tendencies in the past, and I come to you saying I feel suicidal but you discharge me right away. Wtf?

Not only that but the Doctor was adamant about me going back on Adderall at 20mg a day to keep me stable. After I just mentioned I discontinued use because I was abusing it.

At that moment in time, I was really not strong enough to say no and agreed to it. My brain immediately started freaking out trying to convince me not to take the script, but a small voice was starting to justify that maybe a small dose will help.

I filled my meds and already took 3x the prescribed dose before noon today. I felt so confident and top of the world for 2 hours and felt like this may actually work. Until I experienced the crash. Now I feel like a piece of shit and just want to take more Addy. I ain't gonna do it. I came too far. I feel sooooo good on Adderall but it's not sustainable!!! I would have to take a 20mg pill every two hours to keep that feeling up. What kind of life is that. Taking that script was only hurting me more. 

Now I am reminded how Good I felt on stims, and I am also reminded how shitty I feel without them.

I don't know. I don't really know what to do. I'm so tired of being depressed and insecure without Adderall, it's really killing me.

 

 

[SleepyStupid]

i'm sorry to hear about your eventful weekend - that must have been really tough, especially being let down by the professionals you're trusting with your life. it sounds like the ER doc was quick to assume your condition was a result of abruptly stopping medication, which is probably a fair diagnosis most of the time. unfortunately an ER doc's job isn't to attend to your mental health, it's to stabilize you. that being said, it's still pretty negligent to prescribe stimulants to someone who clearly communicated that they had been abusing them! 

it sounds like your management of BPD will be very important in your Adderall recovery success. if mood stabilizers are genuinely the right solution for you, then there must have been a reason you chose to go off them when you quit Adderall? only you know the answer to that, but if you're going to discontinue those meds as well you need to make sure you have the right support in place - manage the underlying condition properly and you will also manage the Adderall recovery.

from your posts i can tell you have excellent introspection and discipline - you know what you need to do now, so toss those pills and get back on the wagon! (:

[sweetupbaaby]

On 27/07/2020 at 4:11 PM, sleepystupid said:

i'm sorry to hear about your eventful weekend - that must have been really tough, especially being let down by the professionals you're trusting with your life. it sounds like the ER doc was quick to assume your condition was a result of abruptly stopping medication, which is probably a fair diagnosis most of the time. unfortunately an ER doc's job isn't to attend to your mental health, it's to stabilize you. that being said, it's still pretty negligent to prescribe stimulants to someone who clearly communicated that they had been abusing them! 

it sounds like your management of BPD will be very important in your Adderall recovery success. if mood stabilizers are genuinely the right solution for you, then there must have been a reason you chose to go off them when you quit Adderall? only you know the answer to that, but if you're going to discontinue those meds as well you need to make sure you have the right support in place - manage the underlying condition properly and you will also manage the Adderall recovery.

from your posts i can tell you have excellent introspection and discipline - you know what you need to do now, so toss those pills and get back on the wagon! (:

Thank you for your kind words.

I'm really struggling right now and I feel like I am being pulled in two directions. I have been able to take 40mg the past few days without going over that amount. But the problem is, that's already more than I am prescribed. I feel like I try to justify it by saying I am not in the right state of mind to quit right now. I don't have much support in my daily life, and it really helps me with concentration. I also justify taking it because I just got a new job. I can't even process the thought of having a demanding day job without being on Adderall. I wish I could learn to live without it. 

From what I have seen from the past few days, these are the pros and cons I've noticed from taking Adderall again

Pros:

1. Increased concentration

2. No more withdrawal fatigue

3. Energy to get things done that I have been putting off forever

4. Increased confidence

Cons

1. Restless sleep

2. Low mood when Adderall wears off

3. Body feels exhausted in the morning before I take it

4. I now understand that I have been using Adderall as a crutch to do anything at all. I will put things off unless I am "high" enough to do them, otherwise, it won't be enjoyable. That's a dangerous mindset to have.

5. Constantly feeling dehydrated

6. Not eating or consuming enough daily recommended calories

7. Always feeling like I want more (even if I don't indulge in the craving, the fact that the craving is there means I am vulnerable to falling back into addiction. Addicts will justify any reason to take more)

8. Spaced out. I notice I am not even paying attention to anything my family is saying. And that's not fair to them. They deserve to have me present with them. I realize now why my relationships and friendships crumbled over the years. I was in my own world 24/7.

9. Mood swings. I noticed a more consistent mood while in recovery. It definitely wasn't super stable, but a lot more stable than the highs and lows associated with Adderall usage.

That's just off the top of my head. But if anyone has more "cons" they can list, I would be happy to hear them. I need a reality check. I'm glad that I can recognize what Adderall does to me, and I know I am better without it. But I am not sure how I am going to function, especially with a new job. 

At the end of the day, I cannot stay on Addy forever. I am moving across the country next year and figured I would take 3 months off to recover after I move before I find a new job. But even then..that would mean I just threw away 3, almost 4 months of recovery just recently? 

 

There is no easy way around it. I feel like I have to take the leap and just start this job without being medicated. It's going to be uncomfortable and harder than it would normally be. But I really don't see how else I will get clean unless I just do it..