Adderall-Addict

[Kathleen]

I have been blessed with family and friends who motivated me by reminding me how kind, smart, attractive and loving I was through out my life---and then I found something that pushed me more, that didn't have to remind me--and made me feel so on top and focused--Adderall. It started off normal but led to a 6 year binge. After years of Adderall abuse, I hit rock bottom and barely wanted to live. Three weeks ago, I called my father is who is a Pharmacist (and completely hates amphetamine drugs). I have started the weaning off process. If I hadn’t made that call, God knows what I’d be doing now.

My story starts off pretty normal. In high school, I slept all the time but that was because of my constant involvement in sports. I had issues with focus, but I easily made all As and got into a very well known University. I remember the first time I tried Adderall back in 2004(my freshman year of college). I stayed up all night getting things done, I actually WANTED to study. Motivation was always hard for me to find. My friend would give me them when we had exams and I could just walk into the library, take 20mg and power study. This was all great until I couldn’t find Adderall sometimes and then I would fail a test. The Adderall pumped me up, made me euphoric about school—without it, I just couldn’t get things done. My father, a pharmacist dreaded this. He never wanted his children on controlled narcotics because he saw first hand what they do to people. I didn’t care…like any reliance or quick fix at a young age, I believed I could control this. My dad says he still remember the day I called him to tell him I was prescribed to Adderall.

In 2006, the gates of hell were opened to me. I felt depressed which caused fatigue and weight gain. I went to a family doctor who prescribed me the Adderall—it was a quick fix. I started feeling much better and just went about my daily life. My dad begged me to take a small dose of the Adderall and then stop using after college. I had no idea my 6 year dependency had just began. I graduated college and stopped taking it for a few months. I finally got an adult job that was stressful—so I went back to taking it for the past year and half. I started losing a lot of weight and feeling good about my life again. I was on top at work. After a few months-- I started staying up all night, chain smoking and this was okay for awhile, I would just pop more Adderall. I had no idea this was raising my tolerance and therefore preventing the Adderall to be steady. I was prescribed to 2 20MGs a day, but I would probably pop about 80MGs…sometimes more because I wasn’t counting. There were times were I felt great—the highs were high..but the lows on Adderal---AWFUL. I would lay there feeling paranoid, my mouth dry, my heart racing out of control, my skin breaking out—People who cared about me began to notice this. I didn’t care, I didn’t think anything was wrong. During this time and popping such high MGs, I was spending money out of control, smoking tons of cigarettes, not eating and isolating myself. I didn’t want the people who loved me to see this. At the time, I just made excuses—but this is what all addicts do—make excuses for their ways of filling their addictions. I pretended to my parents that everything was okay.

This all led to me and my boyfriend of 3 years breaking up; which didn’t phase me because I continued on the euphoric binges. He had begged me to chill out on the Adderall and that he loved me. I didn't really care. I was using the Adderall so much that it masked the sadness that was building inside of me. A lot of other events occurred—one’s that should bring you closer to family. Instead I ended up out casting myself, losing a ton of weight and having constant thoughts of suicide. My performance slipped at work and I almost lost my job.

My Mom and Dad Skyped me one day when I was crashing on Adderall and had been up for 2 days straight. I was feeling delirious and seeing/hearing things. They asked what was wrong with me and why I was so skinny. I just BSed, but I could see tears in my mom’s eyes. She knew something wasn’t right.

After years of staying up all night and spinning down the downward spiral--- I called my dad about all of my debt and troubles I was experiencing. He asked me, “Are you taking Adderall?Do not lie.†I told him I was. He knew it, but he knew he was dealing with an addict..and at the same time…his daughter.

My Dad is a strong man and rarely shows his emotion through his words. My dad told me that his heart was broken to see me like this and if I continued on this path I would end up killing myself from all the speed. He said if he could get rid of every Adderall in his pharmacy he would because of this. He told me one thing that will always stick—“You have created HIGH highs(with the Adderall)—you depend on for all situations ----your brain is not responding to the normal things in life—if you cannot look at a sunrise,feel love or appreciate the small things in life without a drug—something is wrong.†He then put the words I never wanted to hear in front of me---“You are addicted to Adderall.â€

When the realization hit, I cried. I never considered my Adderall intake bad because a doctor stood there and wrote prescriptions for it—making it seem much more innocent than illegal speed. I thought I was only hurting myself with these highs, but I was hurting everyone dear to me. I had always thought I was getting a “little out of hand†with the pills, but I never thought I was similar to a crystal meth addict. I swore to him on that evening that I would begin to wean off the Adderall. I then realized, I have to get Adderall out of my life for good. I have to exercise, live healthy and begin facing a lot of issues I ignored. I went from taking about 80MGs a day to 15MGs—it felt like hell for the first week. I was up and down—tired, cranky, but very hungry and sleeping a ton. After three weeks of 15 MGs, drinking coffee, starting to exercise, admitting to close friends my addiction—I am starting to feel again—human. I am so blessed that I am in the process of saving myself from addiction and psychosis. I found this website and have been reading other testimonies and struggles with Adderall. I am experiencing so many things that everyone else is. It is refreshing to see that quitting Adderall for good has happened to a lot of people. It gives me hope.

I hope that by July or August, it will be out of my life for good. I am excited to live again—because when I was Adderall free years ago, I was lovable, funny and known for just being me. My abuse with Adderall turned me into an emotional monster that constantly lived for euphoric peaks without any rest or food. I am scared of gaining weight and learning how to focus without drugs again. I am happy I have become aware of my addiction at 26 years old, rather than live another 10 years in poor lifestyle. This is going to be a struggle for me, learning how to eat, exercise and sleep properly again…but I want to appreciate the small things in life.

[Greg]

I can relate to so much of what you said. Your post really moved me. Thank you so much for sharing!

[Kathleen]

Thank you for your kind words! So glad to be able to reach out to and interact with people who understand..

[roadtorecovery]

This post was so inspiring for me, as I can really relate to a lot of the things you said. I haven't taken Adderall for about a month and a half and I am feeling SO much better both mentally and physically. You can do this-it's definitely not going to be easy, but you will be so happy in the long run!

[ashley6]

I was reading your post yesterday, and it felt like I was reading my own story. It brought me to tears. We have so much in common (aside from the obvious). You can do this!! We can do this :)

[Kathleen]

Ashley and RR, thank you so much. It really hits me hard when people say that they are in the same boat....Thank you for all the kind words and thoughts--

It's making me think more and more about how crazy that this drug is FDA approved...

[addy8]

I have been blessed with family and friends who motivated me by reminding me how kind, smart, attractive and loving I was through out my life---and then I found something that pushed me more, that didn't have to remind me--and made me feel so on top and focused--Adderall. It started off normal but led to a 6 year binge. After years of Adderall abuse, I hit rock bottom and barely wanted to live. Three weeks ago, I called my father is who is a Pharmacist (and completely hates amphetamine drugs). I have started the weaning off process. If I hadn’t made that call, God knows what I’d be doing now.

My story starts off pretty normal. In high school, I slept all the time but that was because of my constant involvement in sports. I had issues with focus, but I easily made all As and got into a very well known University. I remember the first time I tried Adderall back in 2004(my freshman year of college). I stayed up all night getting things done, I actually WANTED to study. Motivation was always hard for me to find. My friend would give me them when we had exams and I could just walk into the library, take 20mg and power study. This was all great until I couldn’t find Adderall sometimes and then I would fail a test. The Adderall pumped me up, made me euphoric about school—without it, I just couldn’t get things done. My father, a pharmacist dreaded this. He never wanted his children on controlled narcotics because he saw first hand what they do to people. I didn’t care…like any reliance or quick fix at a young age, I believed I could control this. My dad says he still remember the day I called him to tell him I was prescribed to Adderall.

In 2006, the gates of hell were opened to me. I felt depressed which caused fatigue and weight gain. I went to a family doctor who prescribed me the Adderall—it was a quick fix. I started feeling much better and just went about my daily life. My dad begged me to take a small dose of the Adderall and then stop using after college. I had no idea my 6 year dependency had just began. I graduated college and stopped taking it for a few months. I finally got an adult job that was stressful—so I went back to taking it for the past year and half. I started losing a lot of weight and feeling good about my life again. I was on top at work. After a few months-- I started staying up all night, chain smoking and this was okay for awhile, I would just pop more Adderall. I had no idea this was raising my tolerance and therefore preventing the Adderall to be steady. I was prescribed to 2 20MGs a day, but I would probably pop about 80MGs…sometimes more because I wasn’t counting. There were times were I felt great—the highs were high..but the lows on Adderal---AWFUL. I would lay there feeling paranoid, my mouth dry, my heart racing out of control, my skin breaking out—People who cared about me began to notice this. I didn’t care, I didn’t think anything was wrong. During this time and popping such high MGs, I was spending money out of control, smoking tons of cigarettes, not eating and isolating myself. I didn’t want the people who loved me to see this. At the time, I just made excuses—but this is what all addicts do—make excuses for their ways of filling their addictions. I pretended to my parents that everything was okay.

This all led to me and my boyfriend of 3 years breaking up; which didn’t phase me because I continued on the euphoric binges. He had begged me to chill out on the Adderall and that he loved me. I didn't really care. I was using the Adderall so much that it masked the sadness that was building inside of me. A lot of other events occurred—one’s that should bring you closer to family. Instead I ended up out casting myself, losing a ton of weight and having constant thoughts of suicide. My performance slipped at work and I almost lost my job.

My Mom and Dad Skyped me one day when I was crashing on Adderall and had been up for 2 days straight. I was feeling delirious and seeing/hearing things. They asked what was wrong with me and why I was so skinny. I just BSed, but I could see tears in my mom’s eyes. She knew something wasn’t right.

After years of staying up all night and spinning down the downward spiral--- I called my dad about all of my debt and troubles I was experiencing. He asked me, “Are you taking Adderall?Do not lie.†I told him I was. He knew it, but he knew he was dealing with an addict..and at the same time…his daughter.

My Dad is a strong man and rarely shows his emotion through his words. My dad told me that his heart was broken to see me like this and if I continued on this path I would end up killing myself from all the speed. He said if he could get rid of every Adderall in his pharmacy he would because of this. He told me one thing that will always stick—“You have created HIGH highs(with the Adderall)—you depend on for all situations ----your brain is not responding to the normal things in life—if you cannot look at a sunrise,feel love or appreciate the small things in life without a drug—something is wrong.†He then put the words I never wanted to hear in front of me---“You are addicted to Adderall.â€

When the realization hit, I cried. I never considered my Adderall intake bad because a doctor stood there and wrote prescriptions for it—making it seem much more innocent than illegal speed. I thought I was only hurting myself with these highs, but I was hurting everyone dear to me. I had always thought I was getting a “little out of hand†with the pills, but I never thought I was similar to a crystal meth addict. I swore to him on that evening that I would begin to wean off the Adderall. I then realized, I have to get Adderall out of my life for good. I have to exercise, live healthy and begin facing a lot of issues I ignored. I went from taking about 80MGs a day to 15MGs—it felt like hell for the first week. I was up and down—tired, cranky, but very hungry and sleeping a ton. After three weeks of 15 MGs, drinking coffee, starting to exercise, admitting to close friends my addiction—I am starting to feel again—human. I am so blessed that I am in the process of saving myself from addiction and psychosis. I found this website and have been reading other testimonies and struggles with Adderall. I am experiencing so many things that everyone else is. It is refreshing to see that quitting Adderall for good has happened to a lot of people. It gives me hope.

I hope that by July or August, it will be out of my life for good. I am excited to live again—because when I was Adderall free years ago, I was lovable, funny and known for just being me. My abuse with Adderall turned me into an emotional monster that constantly lived for euphoric peaks without any rest or food. I am scared of gaining weight and learning how to focus without drugs again. I am happy I have become aware of my addiction at 26 years old, rather than live another 10 years in poor lifestyle. This is going to be a struggle for me, learning how to eat, exercise and sleep properly again…but I want to appreciate the small things in life.

[Kathleen]

Today I am on day 3 of nothing besides B12--this is uber early for me--as I've been on the step down and I'm supposed to be on 15 MGS for the next few weeks--but I am tired of this chemical ruling my life.--My focus is not there, but I feel silly and like myself...I am starting to see a light. Laughing feels so damn good...FOOD TASTES AMAZING..AND SLEEP--FEELS LIKE A HEAVEN:)

Today however, I am feeling upset. A coworker was like, "You need to take your medicine--the difference in your focus is like night and day."

I felt so freaking upset. Amphetamine has RUINED me for the past few years...of course I can't get into that with a coworker...so I'm trying to hold it together. I also spoke with someone I know who has been clean of alcohol for two years and he was telling me about how AA stressed when you're addicted to

something, there is a "demon" in your mind (it's addiction personified) that makes up excuses for you to feed the hunger of youraddiction. AKA--"I will feel much better if I take medicine","I cannot survive without, I will fail.." "I am bored" "Noone will know, so I should take this...".....rationalizes feeding the hunger of bad

habits. However, if I start to feel sick, or like I cannot keep my eyes open at work, I have 10MG available...but I'm trying to stay away from that as much as possible. I am also debating not having my

prescription refilled....this isn't easy...

[Jonny5]

Kathleen,

Cool post. I'm coming up on 1 year off of prescription amphetamines next month. Not so long that I can't remember the highs and lows and what not, but long enough to have a little perspective. I quit everything else (alcohol and other mind altering substances) just short of 4 months ago. Just the cigs left.

I really identify with some of the feelings you talked about. The just not caring about anything except whatever trivial tasks you were up to at the moment... having no feelings at all. I remember thinking the whole world was ending (it really felt that dooming) whenever I'd crash, or run out, or when I finally was done... how was I ever gonna have fun or get anything done ever again? Looking back though, I wasn't really having fun, just experiencing exhilaration. I also wasn't getting that much done, and shamefully, I had gotten really damn ... weird. And angry. And pathetic.

I still think about adderall and dexedrine most every day, but now its more like an minor itch. It's not an option, and the thought passes as fast as it comes.

I had the prescription cycle where I would swear it off right after I ran out, and then, like clockwork, I'd get another as soon as I was able. Substance abusers are so, so predictable. I lost physical access to the doctor when I went to a state run drug detox and immediately moved to new england. You're probably gonna have to get yourself cut off by telling your doctor you abuse them. Ten minutes later you might regret it but ten months later you'll know it was maybe the one good decision you made while you were coming down.

Thing is, if I can get clean and sober, anybody, and I mean anybody, can do it. And I did it not because of the better life that might be waiting for me. Nope. I'm kind of a coward.... I did because I just couldn't take the misery and pain anymore. The paradox is that the first couple months felt awful. But a pill or drink or whatever would just make it worse, even if I felt a little better.

I'll stop with an something entertaining I've gotten out of being clean. After just a little while, you're gonna start to notice all the "hidden" addicts and problem drinkers around you, before most everyone else does. B/c you were one. And they all think they have everybody fooled.

[Kathleen]

"I just wanted to tell you that I'm proud of you. Not proud as in I'm somehow responsible way, but proud of you as a friend that's bouncing back from the bottom. You look healthy and more mentally present, even in the short time. A lot's not been going well (hence the embarrassing encounter last night), so it helps to know that people I care about can improve. Keep up the good work.

Love Always,

J."

Close friend of mine wrote that. He hadn’t seen me in 2 months.

I haven’t been on these boards in a few weeks. I had more figuring out to do. Weening off wasn’t working for me. I had to get drugs out for good. In the past few weeks I have felt tired, grouchy, moody—but honestly—it feels SO GOOD to laugh, so good to eat and so good to feel tired before midnight. I flushed my last “back up†Adderall down a toilet..because honestly—there is no backup when you’re SERIOUS about quitting.

I am an addict. I will always be an addict—and that’s okay—I accept this. I am feeling again and I have so many great people around me who are reminding me that the old Katie is coming back. Just the thought of Adderall makes me sick—it polluted my life for years. It gave me fake feelings and it became a high I could never keep up with. This is me reaching out to anybody who thinks they can never stop—please understand that with time and serious dedication…you can..and when you realize this—you will realize a life of hope, love, and happiness… lays before you. I can’t tell you how many dark nights I laid in the physical and emotional pain of amphetamine drugs. They will rob you and lie to you. Adderall addiction is the downward spiral.

I’m here for anyone who wants to talk. There is hope:)

I still struggle with focus at work—but with time and strength, I’ll work this out.

I always remember this when I am having a bad day::

I would rather live my WORST day SOBER >than my BEST day high on ADDERALL.(At least then I can just fall in bed and fall asleep after a bad day….)

Love you all----

[Kathleen]

Listening to Champagne Supernova and eating red velvet cake--now that's living. MMMMMhmmmm:)<3

[tinybuddha]

Thanks Kathleen. Keep your posts coming!

[Kathleen]

Thank you!!

I actually wanted to thank EVERYONE on these boards. 2 months ago--I was just getting my night started. It is kind of late now--had a run earlier and I'm completely HYPER(all natural I promise)--and I love it. Anyhow..2 months ago there is no way in HELL I'd be typing anything or feel motivated to do anything productive without Adderall. I am actually so freaking tired of that word--because to me--it represents 6 years of my life...of destruction. LUCKILY--With the help of my family, friends and this site--I actually feel things again..and I love it. There are days where I just blare Semi-Charmed Life by Third Eye Blind(sounds lame but..) and I feel so related---because I do want something else..to get me through...and IT IS NOT ADDERALL.

Adderall was a fake crutch. Focus and motivation--with some sort of effort--can be achieved. It's never my place to judge anyone on Adderall--but it does sadden me--and scare the hell out of me what our generation is going through--legal meth epidemic.

The thought of Adderall makes me sick. I feel sick because I remember that tingly feeling after I took it--the aspect that got me hooked is now the aspect that makes me stay away. I'm never going back to Adderall. A lot of people have told me that I was more focused, quieter, serious ON ADDERALL---but that isn't who I am. A lot of those people also do not know me and also no not know the side effects of:paranoia, psychosis, malnutrition, sleep deprivation, dry mouth, cracked lips, black eyes, non stop smoking, careless choice making and FAKE SENSE OF BEING are not worth a few hours of my focus.

When I first read some of the stories here about how good people were feeling after the few days without-I was thinking there was NO WAY. But there is a way--This life is so beautiful--I'm choosing to continue on with working at focus and keep my ADHD ass in line--HAHA.

Thank you everyone here. Thank you for listening and THANK YOU FOR BEING A PART OF THE MOST POSITIVE CHANGE IN MY LIFE. <3 I am always here for anyone who needs a friend or support.

Love, Katie

[ashley6]

Katie,

I'm very happy for you!! It's not an easy road, but you're so positive and sooo right that the side effects are not worth it. I, too, had every single one of those, and it's an awful way to live. It's amazing what getting those chemicals out of the brain can do for a person's thought processes and outlook on life. I'm on this site a lot, and I've read many of your posts (probably all of them ), and I can see in your writing how much your thoughts have changed.

I woke up today feeling crappy, and your post helped remind me that this is not as bad as my days on adderall. I can deal with it....sanely!! You're doing great, keep it up!!

-Ashley

[Kathleen]

Katie,

I'm very happy for you!! It's not an easy road, but you're so positive and sooo right that the side effects are not worth it. I, too, had every single one of those, and it's an awful way to live. It's amazing what getting those chemicals out of the brain can do for a person's thought processes and outlook on life. I'm on this site a lot, and I've read many of your posts (probably all of them ), and I can see in your writing how much your thoughts have changed.

I woke up today feeling crappy, and your post helped remind me that this is not as bad as my days on adderall. I can deal with it....sanely!! You're doing great, keep it up!!

-Ashley

Ashley, Thank you! I appreciate your sweet response! Staying positive has got me FEELING positive. Can't believe for years I was trying to suppress these amazing hyper feelings. I'm glad you've seen a shift..because months ago--I was in a dark and scary place. It's people like you who remind me that there is a better side, a better life--with out speed.

I'm glad my post brightened your day--that makes my heart glow:) How long have you been sober or weaning off? Do you exercise a lot? I always stress to myself when I'm having a crappy day that my worst day sober is 100 TIMES BETTER than any of my best days high on amphetamine--bc those feelings...weren't really real--they were generated or amplified by the chemicals I was pumping into my body.

Thanks again for your response, girl:)

[Cassie]

Hi Kathleen,

Your story and comments about Adderall taking away your ability to appreciate the small things in life reminded me of a Bertrand Russell quote, so I thought I would post it. Bertrand Russell had some really insightful things to say on the subjects of drugs, boredom and addiction. From The Conquest of Happiness, Chapter 4 'Boredom and Excitement':

"A life too full of excitement is an exhausting life, in which continually stronger stimuli are needed to give the thrill that has come to be thought an essential part of pleasure. A person accustomed to too much excitement is like a person with a morbid craving for pepper, who comes last to be unable even to taste a quantity of pepper which would cause anyone else to choke. There is an element of boredom which is inseparable from the avoidance of too much excitement, and too much excitement not only undermines the health, but dulls the palate for every kind of pleasure, substituting titillations for profound organic satisfactions, cleverness for wisdom, and jagged surprises for beauty."

[waronwar]

Oh my this is an amazing place. i never thought something this amazing would even exist and could possibly help me. I'm a mess... almost a decade of this mind controlling stuff. I'm stuffing emotional pain w/ that euphoric yet destructive med. I hate it, have what seems a normal life but is so empty and speed ridden. I'm a great "functional" addict. People think I'm great... who am I anymore. I'm not fun, I isolate and feel guilt about what a bad friend/fiance/family member I am. I'm choosing this crap over them.... but I'm not I just need support.

It's gonna be harder than they know. I have lifelong chronic fatigue, autoimmune markers, pain, and ADD... possibly dyslexia (oh and trauma). I've never had self esteem or felt normal. I'm sad. I want my life back but this drug changes your brain chemistry., esp. after 10 years of binge type use. I'm borderline narcoleptic fatigued, and my brain has never been able to comprehend much. From the age of 2nd maybe 3rd grade I knew I was dumb. I was a defect. This drug helped at first tremendously, but then I abused it and took for granted the possible benefits it could have had. My family history is full of addiction... kept on the down low but full on addicts. I never had the addictive trigger in my brain but I liked to party. this was the only thing that fired that "trigger". I'm amazed that this site is here... and thankful.

[Justin]

I just posted your dad's quote on my facebook page. It really hit me hard. I altered the words a little to apply to drugs in general, I certainly didn't want to specifically mention adderall because I'm not even precribed it but I've taken it almost daily for the past year. No more though, I'm done. Finished my semester on Thursday, got rid of the rest of my supply and I'm ready to move on with my life. On my third day without it and im feeling worse but better at the same time. I look forward to the progress i'm going to make this month. I'm already feeling more social and that is one of my main reasons for quitting along with the on again off again depression. I feel I could become a completely different and much better and happier person by the end of the summer without it. I'm ready to be the person I was meant to be.

[Justin]

Thank you!!

I actually wanted to thank EVERYONE on these boards. 2 months ago--I was just getting my night started. It is kind of late now--had a run earlier and I'm completely HYPER(all natural I promise)--and I love it. Anyhow..2 months ago there is no way in HELL I'd be typing anything or feel motivated to do anything productive without Adderall. I am actually so freaking tired of that word--because to me--it represents 6 years of my life...of destruction. LUCKILY--With the help of my family, friends and this site--I actually feel things again..and I love it. There are days where I just blare Semi-Charmed Life by Third Eye Blind(sounds lame but..) and I feel so related---because I do want something else..to get me through...and IT IS NOT ADDERALL.

Adderall was a fake crutch. Focus and motivation--with some sort of effort--can be achieved. It's never my place to judge anyone on Adderall--but it does sadden me--and scare the hell out of me what our generation is going through--legal meth epidemic.

The thought of Adderall makes me sick. I feel sick because I remember that tingly feeling after I took it--the aspect that got me hooked is now the aspect that makes me stay away. I'm never going back to Adderall. A lot of people have told me that I was more focused, quieter, serious ON ADDERALL---but that isn't who I am. A lot of those people also do not know me and also no not know the side effects of:paranoia, psychosis, malnutrition, sleep deprivation, dry mouth, cracked lips, black eyes, non stop smoking, careless choice making and FAKE SENSE OF BEING are not worth a few hours of my focus.

When I first read some of the stories here about how good people were feeling after the few days without-I was thinking there was NO WAY. But there is a way--This life is so beautiful--I'm choosing to continue on with working at focus and keep my ADHD ass in line--HAHA.

Thank you everyone here. Thank you for listening and THANK YOU FOR BEING A PART OF THE MOST POSITIVE CHANGE IN MY LIFE. <3 I am always here for anyone who needs a friend or support.

Love, Katie

It's ironic that you can relate to Semi-Charmed life. You know that song is about Meth right? And on Adderall we are all just a few short steps above the life of a Meth addict.

[Jonny5]

Wow. Over 2 months. That's a real accomplishment. It's neat how quickly some of the good stuff comes back, like appreciating little things such as a walk or cake. It'll be a year for me any day now. So so worth it. Glad to read you flushed the last of it down.

Something you wrote jumped out me.

I am an addict. I will always be an addict—and that’s okay—I accept this.

I hear that a lot from people who no longer drink or take pills or whatever, and it bothers me. Sometimes from people who haven't had a drink or drug in 10 or 15 years. The cognitive dissonance this creates isn't good. I mean, it's not possible to be an addict if you no longer consume drugs, since to be an addict means that you are compulsively using drugs. Wouldn't it more realistic to say that you used to be an addict?

I get your point though - you know if you were to start again you'd most likely be right back where you were or worse in very short time. And you have the sense to realize this and you choose not to take a bad risk.... of becoming an addict again.

[quit-once]

Jonny5:

I, too, really struggle with the use of the word addict or alcoholic by those who have quit using. Up until recently, (after one of my lame attempts to quit smoking) I would tell everybody that I am a smoker- - but I choose not to smoke. Well, WTF? How can one be a smoker if they do not smoke? How can they be an alcoholic or a drinker if they don't consume alcohol? I gotta agree with you on this one, Jonny5. I think if you are gonna call yourself an addict, then you better be actively pursuing your addiction.

I have never been to a meeting, but I think that AA or NA may use this approach with all of their members. We have all heard the classic introductions like "I'm Bob and I'm an alcoholic and I took my last drink 26 years ago". I think they do this to remind everybody who has ever been addicted that they are only one drink, pill, or cigarette away from resuming their addiction. And that is the absolute truth.

[Cassie]

I agree with you, Jonny5. When I think of an addict, I think of someone who goes from one addiction to another, whether it's drugs, alcohol, food, exercise, work, etc. My friend John is a perfect example of this. He was addicted to meth for two years, quit that, then started binge drinking. Now he's a high functioning alcoholic. And he's a heavy smoker, and a compulsive eater, and a workaholic. I think addicts, in the true sense of the word, just replace one addiction for another throughout their lives.

Using this definition I'm definitely not an addict. I don't smoke, rarely drink, and just don't have the tendency to go to extremes with anything. I got addicted to Adderall because I took it regularly every day for years for depression and ADD symptoms. A friend of mine got addicted to painkillers in the same way. She broke her back in a horrible accident and took prescribed painkillers for years because of genuine chronic pain. When she tried to quit she couldn't because she was so addicted to them. Now that she's off them (she got an implant device for pain) I wouldn't call her an addict. She's was never addicted to anything else before. She was addicted to painkillers, and now she's not. I used to be addicted to Adderall, but that connection is getting weaker every day.

[Kathleen]

Wow. Over 2 months. That's a real accomplishment. It's neat how quickly some of the good stuff comes back, like appreciating little things such as a walk or cake. It'll be a year for me any day now. So so worth it. Glad to read you flushed the last of it down.

Something you wrote jumped out me.

I hear that a lot from people who no longer drink or take pills or whatever, and it bothers me. Sometimes from people who haven't had a drink or drug in 10 or 15 years. The cognitive dissonance this creates isn't good. I mean, it's not possible to be an addict if you no longer consume drugs, since to be an addict means that you are compulsively using drugs. Wouldn't it more realistic to say that you used to be an addict?

I get your point though - you know if you were to start again you'd most likely be right back where you were or worse in very short time. And you have the sense to realize this and you choose not to take a bad risk.... of becoming an addict again.

I know that if I take even a quarter of a 20 mg--I will be back at 80-100 mgs by next week going back down the slope of hell. I recognize that I do not have ANY control with this(when I'm on Adderall)--and that makes me well aware that the addiction(aka the demon in my head) will always want to be fed. That's why I will never take another Adderall in my life.

I found a half of a 20mg under my car sit last week at the beach--which is typical because I was taking so many addies and breaking them in half all the time a few months ago. I immediately threw it out of the window. I don't desire them, but I don't even want to have that choice available.

I don't want Adderall, but I know how I am when I get on it. It's a never ending cycle of more,more,more,MORE,MORE,MORE until...who even knows. That's why even if the desire and habit is not there--it always has the potential to be.That's why I believe in once an addict-always an addict.

BUT..I get what you're sayin:)

CONGRATS ON A YEAR!!! THAT IS SO DAMN AWESOME.

PS--You were right about noticing other addicts wandering around.

[Kathleen]

I agree with you, Jonny5. When I think of an addict, I think of someone who goes from one addiction to another, whether it's drugs, alcohol, food, exercise, work, etc. My friend John is a perfect example of this. He was addicted to meth for two years, quit that, then started binge drinking. Now he's a high functioning alcoholic. And he's a heavy smoker, and a compulsive eater, and a workaholic. I think addicts, in the true sense of the word, just replace one addiction for another throughout their lives.

Using this definition I'm definitely not an addict. I don't smoke, rarely drink, and just don't have the tendency to go to extremes with anything. I got addicted to Adderall because I took it regularly every day for years for depression and ADD symptoms. A friend of mine got addicted to painkillers in the same way. She broke her back in a horrible accident and took prescribed painkillers for years because of genuine chronic pain. When she tried to quit she couldn't because she was so addicted to them. Now that she's off them (she got an implant device for pain) I wouldn't call her an addict. She's was never addicted to anything else before. She was addicted to painkillers, and now she's not. I used to be addicted to Adderall, but that connection is getting weaker every day.

I respect yalls(hehe I'm an ADHD southerner) beliefs on addiction.

I can't say I fully agree. I haven't had an addictive nature my entire life, but I am an addict for Adderall. I just don't participate in this addiction any longer.

With that being said, I pray that no one is ever ASHAMED of their addiction or issues or whatever you believe the war with Adderall to be--I understand that some people want to be private, but part of the reason why I have my picture under my username is because I'm putting it out there: I had a problem;BUT..I'm getting totally better...and I don't care who knows.

I have a pretty serious job and of course I don't run around talking about it in the office- but if anyone asked, I would tell them.

Everybody has different ways of coping and handling these situations. I would rather just be open and overly honest--because for so long, I was hidden in a dark world where my whole life felt like a hidden lie.

Cassie, I REALLY enjoyed that quote you posted. DEFINITELY Awesome:)

[Kathleen]

I just posted your dad's quote on my facebook page. It really hit me hard. I altered the words a little to apply to drugs in general, I certainly didn't want to specifically mention adderall because I'm not even precribed it but I've taken it almost daily for the past year. No more though, I'm done. Finished my semester on Thursday, got rid of the rest of my supply and I'm ready to move on with my life. On my third day without it and im feeling worse but better at the same time. I look forward to the progress i'm going to make this month. I'm already feeling more social and that is one of my main reasons for quitting along with the on again off again depression. I feel I could become a completely different and much better and happier person by the end of the summer without it. I'm ready to be the person I was meant to be.

Ahhhh...that's so nice!

I know you're not feeling good--the first few days are hard. Your brain is begging for that amphetamine. My addiction started in College when Adderall was getting huge. It seems to be a huge part of college life...I understand how studying is a pain and sometimes Adderall gives you that push...but honestly..if I could go back...I wouldn't have taken it. Take this summer and relax....maybe exercise? Are you taking summer classes??

I think it's awesome that you're doing this! You can do this!!!