I just flushed my pills.

[idkanymore]

I can’t do it anymore. My addiction is so out of control, and I’m tired of it. I’m tired of taking it, I hate everything about it, but for some reason I’ve never been able to quit on my own. 
This last prescription I got filled i have been abusing worse than ever before and I just gave up, I gave up trying to convince myself I needed this shit. I am so tired, in a way that I can’t explain. This addiction has just drained my soul. 
i realized this while I was sobbing on the couch because I realized this pill has made me into a monster of a mother and girlfriend. How sick is it that my brain thinks it needs adderall to clean or work rather than play with my daughter who needs me. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t. So I gave up. I literally felt something pulling me up from the couch, to flush my pills. And I’m so happy I did. I’ve quit many times before but not on my own free will. I just can’t keep hiding this secret part of myself. I’m done with it. 
tomorrow morning I know I’ll feel like shit, I know I’ll regret it (the addict in me will be so fucking pissed lol) but also I know I did the right thing. I have to fucking do this for real this time. 
Sorry for the rambling, I’ve been abusing heavily for the last week and have barely slept so I’m out of it. 

[sweetupbaaby]

Wow..so proud of you!!! You took the very first step, and you need to give yourself props for having the courage to flush your pills! That's not an easy thing to do, even though you knew your addiction was out of control. Welcome to the forums. We have a great community here that will help you through your journey. A lot of us have only been clean from stims for a short while, while some of us have been clean for a longer duration. We're always here to offer any insight and advice that we can!! We all know how rough it can be to quit and stay sober. I myself, have only been clean for approx. 5 months but things are definitely looking up!!! Stay determined, I know you can do this!! I'm rooting for you.

[SleepyStupid]

7 hours ago, idkanymore said:

I literally felt something pulling me up from the couch, to flush my pills. And I’m so happy I did. I’ve quit many times before but not on my own free will. I just can’t keep hiding this secret part of myself. I’m done with it. 

i had a similar experience with very powerful resolve towards the end of my use 5 years ago. in my case, i was abusing so hard i was literally scared for my life. i could see my true self so clearly, and he was terrified. i decided that night, i. was. done. 

so don't second guess yourself - that "something" pulling you off the couch is a very real part of you that is fighting for it's life. listen to it, even when the addict's voice is louder.

you got this. (:

[sweetupbaaby]

3 hours ago, sleepystupid said:

i had a similar experience with very powerful resolve towards the end of my use 5 years ago. in my case, i was abusing so hard i was literally scared for my life. i could see my true self so clearly, and he was terrified. i decided that night, i. was. done. 

so don't second guess yourself - that "something" pulling you off the couch is a very real part of you that is fighting for it's life. listen to it, even when the addict's voice is louder.

you got this. (:

Yes!! This happened to me too. I was at the end of a 5-day bender and had taken god knows how many Addy..I looked in the mirror and my skin was grey, clammy, sunken in and my body was shaking. I thought I was dying (I was having a panic attack) and called the Ambulance. But looking at myself in the mirror and seeing myself like that-looking almost dead- I was done too.  (This included a long stint of dissociating and hallucinating at the hospital- it was messy)