Quit quitting

[sweetupbaaby]

Hey friends.

I am at the point in my recovery where I am seriously reconsidering my commitment to being clean from Adderall. I believe I have forgotten the initial reasons why I had quit in the first place. I know I was abusing large amounts of Adderall. But my mind is starting to justify a small, daily dose. I relapsed again this week due to the fatigue I am experiencing from my new SSRI script. The SSRI is doing wonders for my mental health, and I know the fatigue from my new medication is only temporary. But the SSRI combined with clonazepam and 20mg of Adderall a day is making me feel absolutely amazing and I am fearful that this will become habitual again. 

I have been able to moderate myself to 20mg a day due to the fact that I no longer chase the high, I am only taking the 20mg for the energy boost to get me through the day. The logic seems sound, but I am forgetting I am an addict. And for that reason, I have ONCE AGAIN decided to quit Adderall. I am exhausted with this back and forth mentality of whether or not I should continue usage or quit altogether. There cannot be any middle ground either. Although the cocktail of medication I am on is super helpful, there is still something that doesn't feel right within my soul- and I know the Adderall needs to go. 

If you guys can please provide me with reasons why you quit and the benefits you experience from being clean from Adderall that would be awesome. I need a refresher as to why I quit in the first place.

Sending love and many thanks

[EricP]

Gosh I feel for you... Even myself after 3yrs still have that lingering feeling of what would just one pill would feel like... The euphoria of Adderall has poisoned us all. Being sober now 3yrs besides an occasional drink; I look at my kids and their friends on how happy they are without a single substance having ever altered their minds. I often wish I knew what I know now when I was their age as I believe every substance is mind altering & has an additive effect in slowly altering our minds to dim a little more and more.

When I first took Addy it was like wow, this is my life saver. This is how I should feel... And it did last quite a long time until it slowly didn't. I found I felt good but I literally became a little frozen. I began to be less productive and didn't know why, I'd up my dose and feel better and be productive but it was temporary. I started having crashes and some days just didn't feel well. I started having angry moments that were more of a rage than anger in a situation that had some justification for anger but I couldn't control how angry I got. Oddly I also recall not feeling the effects of getting drunk while I was using. I could drink a decent amount and hardly get a buzz... I first started cutting back drinking and started eating healthier & tried exercising but nothing helped this up and down unwell feeling I had. Then I cut Addy and wow was my world upside down...

I think for me the combo of realizing what this made me feel like after years being on it and knowing the euphoria was running out, then getting off of it and seeing how it had full control of me; this was enough. Yes, I daydream about "one pill" but will never go back after all it put me thru!

I think the sooner you can quit 100% the more likely that one day you will have your full happy self without medication. 

[sweetupbaaby]

17 hours ago, EricP said:

Gosh I feel for you... Even myself after 3yrs still have that lingering feeling of what would just one pill would feel like... The euphoria of Adderall has poisoned us all. Being sober now 3yrs besides an occasional drink; I look at my kids and their friends on how happy they are without a single substance having ever altered their minds. I often wish I knew what I know now when I was their age as I believe every substance is mind altering & has an additive effect in slowly altering our minds to dim a little more and more.

When I first took Addy it was like wow, this is my life saver. This is how I should feel... And it did last quite a long time until it slowly didn't. I found I felt good but I literally became a little frozen. I began to be less productive and didn't know why, I'd up my dose and feel better and be productive but it was temporary. I started having crashes and some days just didn't feel well. I started having angry moments that were more of a rage than anger in a situation that had some justification for anger but I couldn't control how angry I got. Oddly I also recall not feeling the effects of getting drunk while I was using. I could drink a decent amount and hardly get a buzz... I first started cutting back drinking and started eating healthier & tried exercising but nothing helped this up and down unwell feeling I had. Then I cut Addy and wow was my world upside down...

I think for me the combo of realizing what this made me feel like after years being on it and knowing the euphoria was running out, then getting off of it and seeing how it had full control of me; this was enough. Yes, I daydream about "one pill" but will never go back after all it put me thru!

I think the sooner you can quit 100% the more likely that one day you will have your full happy self without medication. 

Thank you so much for your input. Yes, I use to be able to drink insane amounts of alcohol and never get a buzz. That's dangerous- because I was mixing uppers and downers with my liqour as well and who knows how that could have ended up. I think the biggest thing with me is that even if I were to continue using Addy my mind would be in constant conflict every single day saying "this isn't right" and that alone is enough to keep me away. That's alot of mental energy to expend and I'm big on saving my mental energy lol. What I have learned from these constant relapses is to be compassionate towards myself, so it has not been a total failure. Something has stuck with me this time I think. I do not need Adderall. I want it. But I do not need it. I am so much kinder and I listen to other people more intently without it. I am genuinally concerned for others problems when I am not medicated. Adderall makes me a cold, distant and an uninterested human. And that is no way to live. But- ONE DAY AT A TIME! I will get through today without Adderall and not worry about tomorrow!

Much love!

[happyinthepresentmoment]

10 hours ago, sweetupbaaby said:

Thank you so much for your input. Yes, I use to be able to drink insane amounts of alcohol and never get a buzz. That's dangerous- because I was mixing uppers and downers with my liqour as well and who knows how that could have ended up. I think the biggest thing with me is that even if I were to continue using Addy my mind would be in constant conflict every single day saying "this isn't right" and that alone is enough to keep me away. That's alot of mental energy to expend and I'm big on saving my mental energy lol. What I have learned from these constant relapses is to be compassionate towards myself, so it has not been a total failure. Something has stuck with me this time I think. I do not need Adderall. I want it. But I do not need it. I am so much kinder and I listen to other people more intently without it. I am genuinally concerned for others problems when I am not medicated. Adderall makes me a cold, distant and an uninterested human. And that is no way to live. But- ONE DAY AT A TIME! I will get through today without Adderall and not worry about tomorrow!

Much love!

Hey how is your ERMP therapy going? I forgot the acronym but the one where it digs up old traumas and helps for PTSD. I remember you mentioned you were going to start it awhile back. I hope that it is helping you! I want to get it. Stay strong! 

[sweetupbaaby]

18 hours ago, happyinthepresentmoment said:

Hey how is your ERMP therapy going? I forgot the acronym but the one where it digs up old traumas and helps for PTSD. I remember you mentioned you were going to start it awhile back. I hope that it is helping you! I want to get it. Stay strong! 

EMDR therapy is great. So far, I have been using all of my sessions as just talk therapy for now. Because in order to start the de-sensitization process of it where you actually access the trauma, you need to be able to stay in the present moment. My therapist gives me a dissociation quiz every few weeks to see if I am able to stay present while we access the trauma together but so far I am still engaging in high levels of dissociation, so once my new meds start to kick in, and hopefully incorporating mindfulness more, I will be ready to start the actual EMDR process very shortly. However, the talk therapy we do is great- she's really helping me to access some great understanding as to why I feel the way I do and that I am not abnormal, I am just in a state where my body and mind are feeling emotionally unsafe and I am actively reacting to trauma on a daily basis from various triggers. My aunt had done EMDR and she was BLOWN AWAY at how effective it was. It can be challenging to revisit old trauma but you feel so free after the thoughts surrounding the trauma have been desensitized. Mind you, the sessions are not cheap at all lol but I believe it's totally worth my money. I will keep you posted with my progress!