Another relapse...

[neilrealdeal]

My last relapse Was on August the 18th, and I made a post to remind myself how terrible I felt in that moment and why I would never do that again. Well that didn't work. I feel as an addict I have a very easy ability to forget those terrible times, no matter how gut-wrenching and depressing they were. I felt the effects of my last relapse for a couple weeks, until I guess my brain chemistry leveled out and I began to feel good and normal again. I went to the lake this past weekend with my friends, and told myself I was ONLY going to drink alcohol, and maybe smoke a little bit of weed. Well as someone said in my last post, (I believe it was sleepystupid) that's like playing Jekyll and Hyde because after a couple drinks I lost my self control. I ended up taking 40mg adderall and blacking out on alcohol the first night. The second night I went all out and took 60mg adderall, 0.3g molly, 3-4 lines of coke, 10+ lines of ketamine, and easily 20+ drinks throughout the night on top of ~400mg caffeine. I have a feeling I'm easily getting into overdose territory with this kind of consumption, and I know this in the moment of taking everything, but I literally just don't care. It's not that I want to die, but I chase any type of high so emphatically especially when on adderall and alcohol. I have blood pressure problems from my previous adderall abuse on top of everything. I shouldn't feel entitled to a crazy night after a month or two of hard work with my job and school, but I somehow justify it.

I guess I'm making this post because I'm curious as to what type of "self-talk" you all say to yourself to not consume adderall or anything else, especially when you've been feeling good and "normal" for awhile. Have any of you every developed the ability to consume alcohol in moderation after having a problem with it? I would love to be able to drink with my friends, and call it a night after 6-8 and still be able to go on fun trips with them out of town, to the lake, etc. But I guess I wont be able to do that for very long if I end up dead. 

I was able to break my adderall addiction from where I was taking 40-60mg every single day for over a year, but now I'm on a different type of drug abuse with my binge shit I do, which is probably more dangerous. I just know deep down something has to change, or something terrible is going to happen. What was your alls final breaking point to where you were like this is fucking enough? I need a reality check. 

[SleepyStupid]

9 hours ago, neilrealdeal said:

I shouldn't feel entitled to a crazy night after a month or two of hard work with my job and school, but I somehow justify it.

I guess I'm making this post because I'm curious as to what type of "self-talk" you all say to yourself to not consume adderall or anything else, especially when you've been feeling good and "normal" for awhile.

you know i've been thinking about this notion of relapse as a result of "feeling good". it seems counter intuitive because normally you'd imagine relapsing because you feel depressed and hopeless, but i've been seeing a fair amount of posts recently with a similar theme of "rewarding" yourself with a relapse. i think its pretty normal to reward ourselves - for me it has been food these past couple of years, which is tough because eating isn't optional!

i think when things are going well and feel "normal", we lower our guard. the rationale for use becomes "well even if i use JUST tonight, its still way better than last month when i was using every day!"  it sounds like a partial truth, but only because your framing the problem as specific to the substance. yes - technically you are consuming way less than you used to, but the real problem for us addicts is the consumption itself, not the amount. 

9 hours ago, neilrealdeal said:

I would love to be able to drink with my friends, and call it a night after 6-8 and still be able to go on fun trips with them out of town, to the lake, etc. But I guess I wont be able to do that for very long if I end up dead. 

it's always boggled my mind how evolution hasn't corrected for this pleasure over preservation problem. we understand that our behaviors are often dangerous and potentially life threatening, but we don't know it until it actually happens to us or someone close.

10 hours ago, neilrealdeal said:

What was your alls final breaking point to where you were like this is fucking enough? I need a reality check. 

fear was my motivator. i was a binge user just like you - i thankfully never OD'd, or ended up in the hospital, but towards the end of my abuse i could feel my body falling apart. people could see how fucked up i was - i looked like a speed junkie. that's when it became real for me - it wasn't a secret i could hide from myself or others, something had to change or i was going to die. 

 

regarding your friends and partying, i think you already recognize the triggers - you have about a 0% chance of going to a party and using anything in moderation at this point. it sucks, but that's your reality. it doesn't mean you can't still see your friends - maybe try inviting them out to more activities, sporting, outdoors stuff - be that guy that changes your group dynamic! if that doesn't work, then make new friends. eventually in a few years everyone will hopefully grow up a bit, the partying dies down and you can reconnect - that's life, but you need to be alive long enough for it to happen (:

[sweetupbaaby]

Hey my friend.

Above everything else- congratulations on your sobriety journey and for reflecting on your behavior, acknowledging that there is a problem, taking the step to quit Adderall, and actually doing it. As addicts, we are terribly hard on ourselves- and just those steps alone were an act of courage and you have maintained them for some time so give yourself props because we all know this is not easy!

I too, am similar to you in many ways. Before I quit Adderall, I was a bartender which led me to drink on shift and after shift every night. I was the manager of said restaurant and was able to make my own rules concerning how much alcohol consumption was allowed from myself and employees and I allowed a lot of it. Customers bought me shots, employees would bribe me with drinks to get off early, and I would sit down and drink excessively after every shift. The more I drank, the more it triggered Adderall cravings. In my worst days of Adderal abuse- around 240mg XR a day, I was drinking excessively as well. When I was taking Adderall, I could not feel the effects of alcohol and so I could drink like a bottomless pit. That's so dangerous and definitely in overdose territory. I was also on anti-psychotic meds which were not to be mixed with alcohol at all. Not to mention all of the recreational drugs on top of that. I didn't care though. I can relate, I didn't want to die, I just didn't really care what would happen if something bad were to happen. I would deal with it then I guess, was my thinking. Adderall triggered all of my other drug-related habits. It was a ritual for me. I would pop my addy, the initial buzz would creep up- that's when I headed outside with my cigarettes and a few rolled blunts- smoke a blunt and a shit load of cigarettes and either chill on my laptop for hours and hours and write meaningless, incoherent, manic-related posts on reddit forums...or I would head to a bar to get a better buzz. (looking back at the posts I made while tweaked out is so embarrassing btw)

Getting clean from Addy made me have to throw away all of my triggers. I quit smoking cigs. I quit smoking weed. I quit drinking alcohol. I now have to stay away from all recreational drugs because for me it's all or nothing. I party hard and don't give a shit, or I don't at all. I realize there is no gray area in my life and for that reason, I border on the safe side now. This wasn't easy and it took everything out of me to stay clean, with many relapses.

My self-talk to stay clean from Adderall is just experiences that came from many, many relapses. It was a process that taught me, and not something that I can teach someone else. It's something you have to go through. I just got fed up with relapsing and thinking that things would be different and it always led me back to square one. I have just come to realize that I love Adderall, and there are great pros to taking it but there are even greater cons- and the cons outweigh the pros every time. With weighing these pros and cons, it makes sense to then make the decision to not consume it any longer. However, certain days creep up, and I will justify taking a 20mg pill. Sometimes this will go on for a week or so. I have stopped keeping track of my relapses because it doesn't really matter how many times I relapse, to be honest. It matters the direction which I am headed- and my sober days outweigh my days on Adderall since I quit. Yeah, every few months, I might take a few addys for a week- then realize it's not worth it and come off them again. This is not a failure- it teaches me and strengthens my resolve every time. Learning to look at our relapse differently is so important. Making a big deal out of it and acting like you're the only one it had ever happened too strengthens the blow of the incident and makes you feel inadequate and like all progress is lost. This is not true. It's just a bump in the road and you get back up and try again. Every time I relapse, I get back up and try again. Life is a series of making mistakes or relapsing- in our experience, and then taking something from that experience and trying again. Get knocked down, get up. Over and over and over until something sticks. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. And that's life. It strengthens our character and makes us stronger people. 

The fact that you want to binge on all drugs as a reward leads me to think you are running from something. I was like that too and I sought therapy. It has really helped me to get a second opinion and to just tell my story to someone else has freed me from the weight of my experiences. I use to binge on drugs to cope. But the tools I received from therapy have helped to stop me in my tracks and observe what I am feeling- target the trigger, feel the emotion, investigate it, nurture it and let it run it's course. We will be tempted all the time throughout life- but you don't have to give in or act on your temptations. And if you do- it's okay. Take something from the experience and try again. Keep getting up. Over and over and over. The only time we truly fail is if we refuse to get back up. 

I wish you the best of luck my friend and I hope my words can be somewhat helpful. You will figure it out in your own unique way, using your own unique insight. You know your strengths and weakness and you will find a plan to stay sober that works for you. Keep coming to this forum too- we are always here to help.

[m34]

I made a commitment to run 6 days a week at 430/5 am. I swear it’s what has saved me, I do  give myself one day off. 100 percent of the time I don’t feel like running, but I always do and feel better. 
 

On my “day off” I don’t stress about running or plans or anything. It’s long enough to chill, but one day is not long enough for me  to get messed up... if that makes sense? because I have to run the next morning. 
 

It took a couple months to implement this where it’s like clockwork. Because I have this commitment to myself, I can’t be hungover. I’m almost 21 months clean off adderall and almost 11 months clean off alcohol. I also don’t take any other prescriptions, drugs, or anything that triggers the adderall cravings like sugar etc. 

 I don’t know if that helps at all. Commit to something that you have to do early in the morning and it may help. It’s the little things with this whole sobriety Game...

[sweetupbaaby]

4 hours ago, m34 said:

I made a commitment to run 6 days a week at 430/5 am. I swear it’s what has saved me, I do  give myself one day off. 100 percent of the time I don’t feel like running, but I always do and feel better. 

This is what it takes I swear!!! Dedication over motivation I always tell myself. I feel like working out 0% of the time, but I still do and I feel so much better afterward. If we live by our feelings we will never get anything done. Maybe someday I will feel inclined to actually want to work out, but while the passion is lacking right now, I have to lean on dedication to get me through. Actually, always leaning on dedication is what will get you through. Like I said, motivation is fleeting and cannot be depended on to get things done.

[sweetupbaaby]

8 hours ago, SleepyStupid said:

fear was my motivator. i was a binge user just like you - i thankfully never OD'd, or ended up in the hospital, but towards the end of my abuse i could feel my body falling apart. people could see how fucked up i was - i looked like a speed junkie. that's when it became real for me - it wasn't a secret i could hide from myself or others, something had to change or i was going to die. 

absolutely- fear was my initial motivator too!!! Well, it was fear combined with severe adderall-induced psychosis, so the fear was definitely exaggerated but it was a fear for my life nonetheless. I thank God for that psychosis, otherwise, I probably would have OD by now. I was headed for death, I really do think I was on death's door. Something had to give. Sometimes fear is the best tool to get things done, especially if your stubborn ASF like I am. Unfortunately, I never learn my lesson with anything until things get really bad and I suffer some sort of consequence to make me change. I wish I could learn to change bad behavior before it escalates to that point, and I am working on it and making progress!