October Month of Magic

[GeorgiaRigby]

Hi everybody, I hope everyone’s doing OK and getting through this time. I’ve come on and off this site so many times, with or without my contacts in, 11 in the morning or three in the morning, it varies and my experiences haven’t changed much day to day and month to month.  I haven't gotten better and I don't feel in control.  Of course not.  Although, knowing that this interface and that you all exist, gives me somewhere to turn. I suppose I could say that I didn’t take it at all today, although it kept me a bit happy knowing that I always could decide to.  I’m not sure what would be triggering, so I don’t really want to go into that as much.  I suppose all of us have had that feeling  knowing that it’s there to take.  Something about it gives me strength, even though it’s so much the opposite.  I’m feeling a little snips of a horrifying sadness, and that makes me really really afraid of what’s to come for me. I’ve  been on Adderall since I was 16 years old, pretty much taking 70 mg every day. I remember how it made me feel back then, in fact I believe I was on Vyvanse for the end of high school most if not all of college, along with a  “booster” amphetemine for afternoons.  I don’t take breaks. I won’t dare take the weekend off, either! how could I enjoy the marvelous colors and smells of changing seasons? how could I be confident to step out into the  world on my own?  I wake up in my first thoughts have to do with my dose and I completely depend on it to feel confident, to get myself going, beautiful, etc.

 

I get on here and I read through these forums, some of the posts are so detailed with paragraphs and paragraphs of descriptions and insights. I can’t believe how many posts get so in depth about the different supplements to introduce when quitting. I can’t imagine knowing that much about pharmaceuticals or medicinal solutions... about any one thing, really.  For me, it’s hard enough doing anything at all, by the time I read a couple paragraphs, it’s done. I can’t stay on it any longer, it’s far too overwhelming (this is on me and not this forum!) It seems like everything will and can overwhelm me scary scary easily and quickly.  My mind is consumed with so much clutter.... especially when I get on forums and see that people have been on Adderall for three months end at 20 mg a day… I’ve been on at least 70 mg, mostly abusing it lately (I’ll take extras, pop a pill in the bathroom out to lunch with my boyfriend, take one when I’m feeling sad, when I want to feel confident or more beautiful....) and almost 10 years of my life now. I’m also very feminine and have lots of worries about appearance and weight and all of the shit as well. I wake up so scared when I cry and sob my way through life right now… I really need help but I don’t know where to start and how to stick with it. I am trying to romanticize life in every way, I have magazines out with a movie on, paint my toes while spritzing perfume and eating chocolates.  I’m not sure how to live right now. I’ve rewritten this post a dozen times because I’m afraid I’m not acknowledging all the other people on here that need help and that are suffering. I see while I am here for you right back. I guess they’re just so many things, so many worries, so much noise. I’m so afraid of what I will feel like to be done with this. I’m afraid that I’ll take a day by day and feel confident one day or the next things are going to be OK and then Bam it’ll hit me that this is a fucking nightmare and it will be years before I feel even normal again. 

 

It also overwhelmes me to think that there is NO way that quitting Adderall will be easier than this forum makes it seem.  Could it possibly not be this horrible to withdraw?  There is a deep sadness in the pit of my stomach right now and I'm pretty afraid of my own feelings and suicidal ideations and fears.  Also, what about marijuanna?  I love to smoke as well, can I keep that up at least? Can I try to get through this in an easier way?  How much time do I need to spend researching and reading about the supplements and the helpful things... It all ends up overwhelming me into a darker and darker place of gloom.  Love to you all. Thank you.

[m34]

You kind of sound like me in the end of my use. It’s really hard to quit, but it’s really worth it. It won’t be easy at all. You have to commit to yourself and a better life. Just reading your post feels familiar. I remember spiraling out end the end and not sure where to turn. I couldn’t stop and I couldNt stay where I was. I hate this drug. Every story makes me angry. None of us should have gone through this.  You’re prob smoking to calm down from the come down of adderall. It is also prob making you even more paranoid. I’d quit both to start. You will prob find your other vices are nothing compared to your addiction to stims. I’ve been there and I understand. I’m 21 months clean of adderall. 11 off alcohol. I can’t smoke because it makes me anxious, so not sure how to help with that. I’m so grateful to be free from this drug. You can quit and be there too, I was on for well over a decade with a few breaks. It’s just making the decision to be done with it and staying clean every day that’s the hard part. Choose your health and your mental health. You won’t regret it. You will only regret staying where you are now. If you are suicidal please talk to someone. Maybe a rehab would be safer to quit 

[GeorgiaRigby]

I appreciate this so much.  I definitely was reading through your posts last night and thinking how much I felt I was relating!!, i That's phenomenal how far you have come, 21 months is just impossible for me to imagine right now.  You are right about the non-regret, and I know it to my core.  I have been trying to tell myself and my thoughts that I would never regret actually trying.  I would never regret going for it. It's maybe like how I read about our biological reaction to anxieties mirroring the reactions we'd have biologically to excitement.  When I am feeling the overwhelm and the fear, I can invite it in because for all my body knows, I'm actually excited! Who really knows, all I know all of a sudden, again, is that this is only the second day, and I'm barely half way through...  This is going to be much harder than I anticipated and I am definitely feeling queasy thinking about the journey ahead and the toll it's going to take on all things, really.  Thank you for your reply and for connecting with me on here!  Back to that, YOU inspired me and gave my mind a few topics to ponder!  

[SleepyStupid]

hi @GeorgiaRigby

welcome to the forums, so glad to hear that you've started on this journey!

On 10/23/2020 at 8:42 PM, GeorgiaRigby said:

I’ve been on at least 70 mg, mostly abusing it lately (I’ll take extras, pop a pill in the bathroom out to lunch with my boyfriend, take one when I’m feeling sad, when I want to feel confident or more beautiful....) and almost 10 years of my life now.

I’m not sure how to live right now.

I remember that period of my life where stimulants were my everything - as you say, I'd pop a pill for basically any damn reason (but especially when I was feeling sad or lonely). basically stimulants replace our need for validation, which normally comes from relationships (external validation) or our sense of accomplishment (internal validation). of course, those things require effort - that's how things are supposed to be: put in the effort and get the reward. Adderall flips that equation around, so you get the reward regardless of the effort. this is why you'll read so many stories here of people isolating, alienating and getting trapped in false "productivity". so when you say "I'm not sure how to live right now", I think it's helpful to understand how the drug has changed your behavior.

I know how overwhelming it feels to try to imagine this new life - who will I be? what will I like? how will I get there? don't worry about that for now - those things will become clear over time, but you need to put enough distance between You and the Addict first.

On 10/23/2020 at 8:42 PM, GeorgiaRigby said:

It also overwhelmes me to think that there is NO way that quitting Adderall will be easier than this forum makes it seem.  Could it possibly not be this horrible to withdraw?

we all have our own unique challenges and circumstances in life, but yes this will be one of the hardest things you'll ever do. but think back to what I said about that reward equation: the harder something is, the more reward you get from it!

On 10/23/2020 at 8:42 PM, GeorgiaRigby said:

Also, what about marijuanna?  I love to smoke as well, can I keep that up at least? Can I try to get through this in an easier way?  How much time do I need to spend researching and reading about the supplements and the helpful things...

I smoked a fair amount during my recovery, but this would depend on how marijuana affects you. the danger in using any substance during recovery is whether it will tempt you to use Adderall again under the influence. there is unfortunately no "easy" way through this, but there are certainly things that can help. I wouldn't go crazy with the supplements, just focus first on getting through the first couple of months (which is going to suck no matter what you do). once you're through that phase, you'll have enough clarity to plan for the next part of your journey.

stay close to the forums and keep us posted (:

[speedracer]

Thank you GeorgiaRigby! Great thread! I appreciate how you described your crazy relationship to this drug. I get it. I read it a couple of times to remind me what it was like. I would pop a pill to get something done, go to parties, long road trips, packing, moving, TAXES, or whatever. The pills gave me so much courage and motivation. With underlying ADD, the medications worked wonders for me. I thought of them as my glasses. I had clarity. I could see what needed be done. I had executive functioning. But like the info on the first pages of this website, I had lots of problems and the drug stopped working like it used to. 

My brain is selective. It only remembers the good times, and not all the negative side affects, the health issues, the loss of dignity in getting perscriptions filled, the combativeness and the hair trigger fights, the increased ego and loss of humility.  

I think there are strategies to accelerate the recovery which need to be tweeked for each of us. No pun intended. Diet, exercise, sleep, spiritulaity, a new daily routine to get the maximum results. I went to AA for the first 11 months of my sobriety and I loved the program and the 12 steps. Although I am not  the type of acloholic who cant stop drinking once he starts, I drank alcoholically for years and years while using adderall. AA states "the only requirement for membership is the desire to stop drinking". So I went to AA and made some new friends and the support really helped alot. 

But then after 16 months of total sobriety,  and with the encouragement of my wife, I decided to have a few margaritas on her birthday. She is convinced adderall is my nightmare, not alcohol. So I went for it and It was anti climactic. We had a great time but I lost interest in booze after 2 drinks. That never happened when I was on adderall.  I also had a few beers this last weekend socializing and again no big deal. So thats a good sign. I will keep you posted as time goes on.  

Best of luck on your road to recovery. 

[tuneum]

I took 130 mg today, and I've taken far more than that during my stupidly-short (yet not short enough) life span/relationship with this horrible drug.

you are not alone, and I'm really happy that you are here/have posted  !  I am non-binary, but I, like any other person of any gender (masculine/feminine/gender-fluid/non-binary.....),  have also struggled with appearance/weight, so I completely understand that horrible, uncomfortable feeling of being without the drug that temporarily allows us to ignore our body dysmorphia/ED/our physical appearance  !!

Unfortunately, I have had to experience both physical withdrawal and 'adderall' withdrawal recently, and I am so glad that I have; nothing else puts the reality of quitting adderall into perspective quite like going through actual (meaning physical; not psychological) withdrawal   . I think the scariest thing behind any addiction is not knowing who you will be /  how to cope with the real world without a substance 

if you need a friend to talk through this / rant about the confusion and fear  / just needing a friend  ! , i'm here, and I hope we can be friends .i am sending you all of the biggest hugs i can muster  . all of us will be okay , one day .