Flushed my pills, cut off my doctor, and am starting to regret it

[tuneum]

I quit drinking about 4 days ago, and I pushed through the WDs and made it to day 2 without dying/seizing. I was starting to feel better that morning, so I took my regular dose of adderall- 40 mg in the morning, then, when that wore off, another 30, and another 30 after that, and a final 30 mg dose around 8 pm, topping it off at 130 mgs in total. 

Of course, what I was noticing throughout the day was that, after the initial high wore off, I was hit with a severe, crippling wave of depression/hopelessness/despair, and I could barely get myself to do any of the productive shit I /actually/ needed to do. When the end of the day came around, and when I realized that now I was going to have to endure a horrible, sleepless night/anxiety-filled day the next morning, I panicked; I needed this to stop, but I didn't have any way of coping with the comedown. I caved, and I bought more alcohol. 

Before I drank, however, I realized something: 1.) I have never successfully been able to take my adderall in moderation, no matter how convincingly I try to tell myself that I can, and 2.) that my depression gets unbearably bad when I'm dealing with the adderall COMEDOWNS, and that I've been using alcohol to deal with that for a long time now. 

Yesterday, I finally did what I've been trying to do for a long time; I flushed my pills (save for 5, which I said I'd save for 'emergencies', but which I promptly took the next day, like the idiot that I am). I faxed my doctor a statement saying that I was quitting and to please not prescribe me anymore, and I left it at that. 

Today, I feel myself regretting this decision. I haven't left my room for almost a month now-- I've been binge drinking and contemplating suicide and generally isolating, and I feel physically and mentally like the most disgusting piece of shit alive. I have no friends or family who support me, and I don't think I've spoken to a real person-- besides my therapist-- in months. I don't know if I can do this; I feel like fucking garbage, and I don't know how I'll have the energy to deal with the backlog of shit I've put off in the weeks I've been isolating without that adderall boost. I'm scared, and I don't know what to do/how to get help. 

That's all. I'm scared. I want to kill myself. Thank you for letting me rant.  

 

[DrewK15]

I’ve been there. My recommendation for you is to seek out an AA, NA, CR, etc. fellowship. Millions have done it and gotten help from even worse situations than you are in. Don’t worry about steps or anything; you just need to connect with some people.

You’re not alone, COVID is isolating people and harming a lot of people’s mental health. One day at a time friend, focus on getting clean and you’ll get to through it.

[SleepyStupid]

hi @tuneum

congrats on flushing your pills and cutting off your doc! that was a huge step, even if it doesn't feel like it. give yourself some credit where it's due!

i'm sorry to hear about your isolation - we all know how lonely addiction can be, on top of all the craziness this year. it would be lousy advice to just say "you need to get out more" cause, well there's a pandemic AND that's probably the last thing you feel like doing right now! but it does sound like you'd benefit from checking out a local NA/AA meeting (in-person or virtual). you don't even have to share or speak if you're not ready. just go - and listen. being around people will help. also consider looking into some online video classes - there are tons of virtual meetups and sessions being offered these days which allow you to be as social as you feel comfortable with while gaining a skill or hobby in the process!

what is your current situation like? living alone? working? going to school? you need a plan to manage the first couple of weeks or your going to end up back on the pills. if you can, try to buy yourself some time - preferably a week to literally do nothing. if that's not possible, then take a serious look at that backlog of shit and reprioritize only the super bare minimum stuff.

17 hours ago, tuneum said:

I feel physically and mentally like the most disgusting piece of shit alive.

there's a shockingly easy solution to this - exercise. i'll be the first to admit that i'm terrible about staying physically active, but I remember that feeling you describe and literally jumping on the exercise bike for 20 minutes makes that feeling VANISH. this is honestly why many people here get obsessed with fitness during recovery, because its one of the few things that actually works! (:

[EricP]

I am so sorry to hear your situation! I was in your shoes 3yrs ago and I can tell you you are feeling the worst of it now but things do improve! 

I can tell you that the drinking will become a huge setback in your healing. You body needs to heal right now and while the alcohol is likely the only vice you have to feel somewhat normal when your buzzed, it's effects on a healing brain are terrible. Alcohol is a depressant and with the depressing nature and sensitivity of your healing this will only compound the problem worse and worse day by day. 

Do whatever you can to stop drinking, if you need something to calm your nerves I'd go to cannabis before alcohol. Exercise is huge also however one step at a time!