Bi Polar?

[Kathleen]

Does anyone feel Bi Polar as you become cleaner and cleaner? I'm well past 30 days now..

I exercise. I eat. I sleep...

BUT

As positive as I am--I still have very up and down mood swings--mania-down-mania-down..

Today was my first "down" day in awhile. My relationship with my boyfriend has majorly shifted and I've been needy to an extreme...and I know it's been driving him nuts. My personality off drugs is A LOT to handle..I recognize this because I am BLAHSFLKJSADGHDAGH893458375Q$%#$%@@$!!!HEYYYYY LOLOLOOOLOLOLOLOLO YAYYAYAYAYAAYAYAY one minute and then "........." to the next. I think it's about time to go back to the doctor--not for anything amphetamine...but maybe a mood supresent.

I'm extremely tired today...don't want Adderall...but..kind of dazed out...

[Cassie]

Hi Kathleen,

Your colorful post made me laugh! Mood swings/bipolar feelings are a totally normal part of quitting. I was really up and down the first few months - well, more down than up, but moody nonetheless. I'm still having physical and psychological withdrawal symptoms after 5 months and I took lower doses of Adderall than you did. The best thing you can do is be patient, wait it out. I don't think antidepressants (or whatever you're looking for) would necessarily hurt, but realize that you can't rush the pace at which the brain repairs itself. Mood swings are part of that process and supressing our natural healing processes isn't always the best idea. Culturally, we've been conditioned to believe that symptoms are bad and we should never have to tolerate discomfort. The results? Record pharmaceutical industry profits. The medicalization of human emotions. Huge increases in prescription drug addiction. Personally, I've severed the assumption that taking a pharmaceutical drug will make me feel better. That's the mindset I had on Adderall.

I've read stories of addiction counselors advising patients to wait six months to a year for the brain to balance out before considering an anti-depressant. Of course if you go to a medical doctor they will be happy to hand you a prescription, as it is in their best interests to do so (more $ and more time efficient). Whatever you decide to do, remember that your mood swings are a normal part of recovery!

Cassie

[Kathleen]

Cassie,

Thank you for your replay. Made me feel a tad better

It's been so strange--and I blame it on all the torment I put on my brain in the past feel years...but lately I have been tired and depressed and having panic attacks. I feel an extreme amount of guilt and yucky nostalgia towards the choices I made while on Adderall.

I don't know if this is the up and down part or if this has been underlying issue I didn't focus on because I was too wasted all last year. I'm just glad I'm not jacked up on Adderall AND feelings these things. It's so hard to find people to talk to these things about--last night I confided in someone and he pretty much said I was making a big deal out of nothing. Just kind of lonely I suppose..

Thank you again for the support and kind words--This too shall pass...

Are you feel good these days?

[Cassie]

I am still feeling up and down, although the depressive episodes get further between the longer I am sober. Last week I felt really physically weak and depressed and this week was the complete opposite. Today I feel great! Full of energy and positivity. It's hard when you get an attack of physical withdrawal many months down the road because you think, "What the f-? I feel like it's my first day off Adderall all over again!" To cope, it helps to stop viewing recovery as a linear process where you are going to feel a little better every day. Because it's not like that. It's more like 'two steps forward, one step back.' Once I accepted that recovery doesn't follow an intuitive linear path it got easier to see the patterns and adapt to them, rather than put up a fight.

As far as you having underlying bi-polar issues or anything like that, I highly doubt that's the case if you didn't have those issues before Adderall. In your original post, it sounded like your life was pretty normal before Adderall. I can't tell you how many times over the past few months I've said to myself, 'Maybe I do need Adderall. I think I really do have ADD. I should just call my doctor.' Then I remind myself that I never had ADD as a kid and that it's a bullshit diagnosis to begin with. So, occasionally I'm still getting into fights with my own thoughts. This is addiction. I would advise you to wait at least six months before deciding to go on another med. You will feel so much stronger and prouder of yourself if you can get through this with your mind unadulterated by yet another pill.

As far as your feelings of lonliness, I can totally relate. Only other Adderallics understand the nuances of this particular addiction. I might try out some NA meetings or something related, as I'm finally at the point where I feel comfortable talking about this face to face with real people.

[ashley6]

Kathleen,

I just want you to know you're not alone. I, too, have been feeling depressed and anxious. I think we stopped adderall at around the same time. I've struggled on and off with depression and anxiety my whole life, but I haven't had to truly DEAL with the emotions for the past five years. It's uncomfortable and just feels foreign. I keep reminding myself that these feelings are bad, but not in comparison to how adderall exacerbated them, while at the same time numbing me.

I hope you're feeling better.

Cassie, your thought on not looking at recovery as a linear process made something click in my brain. It's not like getting over a cold or the flu. It made me realize that I was viewing it as just that. I stopped, so I deserve to feel better....very flawed thinking, so thank you for that insight.

[Kathleen]

My life before Adderall was considered normal although i've always dealt with anxiety, hyper activity and depression. This is why I was quick fixed the Adderall from the get go. What sketches me out is why in the hell a doctor would prescribe to me Adderall for anxiety.....because there were days on Adderall where I played the same thoughts over and over and over again. I never want those ever again..

/\/\/_____/---\___/\/\/\/ <------me off Adderall with my mood swings:) I completely get what ya'll are sayin about this process NOT being linear....that's how I idealized it to be during the "beginning".....Ashley, I totally feel you on the whole numbing thing and Adderall. Last year, I don't remember really feeling too much except geeked and like TV static...so these up and down feelings are very new....

All in all...I just keep telling myself that I'd rather live my worst day sober than my best day on Adderall...<3 Thanks for all the input ladies.

[ashley6]

Kathleen,

I'm so on board with what you're saying about doctors prescribing powerful stimulants, especially to those of us with a primary diagnosis of anxiety. These two things together are a train wreck. I take responsibility for feeding my addiction as long as I did, but I will always wonder how a doctor could ever think this was a good idea. I was also prescribed klonopin the entire time I took adderall, so this was a "perfect" recipe for me to be able to abuse the hell out of adderall, but know I had the other pill that would calm me down and allow me to sleep. I will take responsibility for my own well-being from now on, that's for sure.,

[Kathleen]

Ashley,

I take responsibility for eating Adderall like potato chips...BUT I feel as though Doctors should be held responsible for releasing NARCOTICS. My Dad is head of Pharmacy and constantly tells me how infuriating-sad-unethical it is to see how many narcotic scripts are being written.

Do you remember the freak out experience in November? There was a huge national shortage of Adderall from 11-2011 to 1-2012.....because the DEA only allows a certain amount of the active ingredient to be released....and to control docs and liberal script writing. That says a lot....

I am spacey. I am vibrant. I am strange..I guess this was enough for me to be labeled the "ADHD" kid....Do you ever feel like you were robbed of who you were on Adderall? That's another sad issue. I AM responsible for this addiction...but I kept thinking..."Okay I'm not buying cocaine on the side of the road...this is legal..." I feel like a lot of guilt comes from a lot of the friends and experiences I missed out on....because I was a sketch ball. Adderall is also a freaking SELIFISH drug---even during my most depressing days...I still thought I was awesome...but I wasn't. I feel that when an individual choses to become a doctor...they are taking on the responsibility of the mental and physical health of human beings. Drugs, even legal ones....change people forever. Doctors go to school for years and should know this...

Doctors have aided in my change. I wanted to be on Adderall but truly believed I needed it to be smart or function. I am responsible for the abuse.

[sunamisurfer]

Do you ever feel like you were robbed of who you were on Adderall?

I feel like a lot of guilt comes from a lot of the friends and experiences I missed out on....because I was a sketch ball.

Kathleen,

Accepting yourself is the hardest part of this whole thing when guilt is in your veins.

Truly accepting myself as my situation is now, and understanding that there is nothing I can do to change the past, is hard. Apologizing to my family often feels more important to me than it will be mean to them. Like it is secretly still a selfish act to somehow feel forgiven for the time I may have lost with them. The more I've thought about it and talked about it, the more I think that the healthiest way to move on is just to love and accept yourself as much as I sound like a fruity little fairy saying that. ahaha. The best you and I can do is live more "vibrant" in the present rather than dwell in the past.

cheers,

Garrett

source: I'm 25. Started abusing it shortly after I entered college as an engineering major, 60-80mg/day, most days. Dropped the addies less than a month ago.

[ashley6]

Kathleen,

I do agree with what you said about doctors. I remember after being given an adderall in college while studying at the library, something clicked in me. It's what I thought was always missing, and I think it's a very similar experience for people who abuse adderall. I went to my doctor, filled out a short survey and was prescribed like that. I sincerely don't believe I was lying on the answers, and I think most anyone would answer that they sometimes have a hard time concentrating or feel a lack of focus....duh. Studying isn't supposed to be fun. It sounds like your dad really cares about people. I think pharmacists sometimes get it more than a lot of doctors.

I've heard of psychiatrists who simply won't prescribe adderall. I believe only a very small percentage of people who are prescribed truly need it, so it's great to hear that. It works for some people, but adderall itself lends itself to abuse, no matter how you look at it, in my opinion.

Adderall didn't only rob me. It OWNED me. I was buying pills illegally for the last year and a half, because I was only prescribed 30mg a day and was taking from 80-120. It feels liberating that I have broken the cycle for the past 60 days....yaay!

I can only pray and work hard for another 60 and another 60.... and a lifetime. I love your attitude towards your addiction and adderall. You seem so knowledgeable and determined....keep it up, girl!