Busy wife, mother, nurse....and addict

[Edie]

I could start from my childhood and disclose how I was raised and how it has directly impacted my thoughts, self esteem, behaviors, and life choices. However, lets face, we are all on this site because of our past, mental health issues, or some sort of trauma or we would not abuse drugs, we would not want to escape.

I will start in 2006 when I was offered my first stimulant, coke. I was 33, just had my second child, and was at a friends wedding with my husband. I made it through high school and college being able to count on one hand my experience with drugs. I was not sure what to do, but took a little sniff, went to a bar, felt nothing really, and then went to bed.

About a year later, my husband took a job out of state and was gone for 2 weeks and home for two weeks. A friend of his in town came by and had some coke. It was my assumption that my husband would say no to this, but they had worked together in Baltimore and it seemed like no big deal. I have always been a night owl and the kids were in bed, house was clean, bills paid, so what the hell ...right. WRONG....I was hooked after the first line that was bigger than the sniff close to a year earlier. I felt the rush, my teeth were numb, and I wasn't tired. I am a hospice nurse and I work 12 hour nights every weekend and I loved not feeling tired. My use of this stimulant was very slow in the beginning, but then my life began to spiral and being high to work, clean, deal with bills/household stuff, etc was so much more pleasant.

My husband John and I have known each other for 21 years. We met through mutual friends in high school and fell in love in our twenties. Drugs were not apart of our relationship until after we had our kids which is the saddest part of my story. I was responsible growing up and in college/living on my own. I regressed on the stimulants and became a whiny, selfish, angry teenager. John never had a problem with coke, he has horrible ADD and the stimulant made him calm, effective, productive person, and he could always go to bed. Me, I would be up all night reading, looking up stuff on the internet, working triage from home (yep, doing my job high). Then the damn birds would jolt me into reality...hey lady, you have kids that will be up soon...my heart would sink every time thinking what a piece of shit mother I am....but that feeling was never enough to stop me from the next all nighter. The viscous cycle of abuse and addiction, it's insanity.

As I mentioned, John has very bad ADD and so when I finally made the stance to stop the coke usage (it went on for close to a year) he went to his doctor to get his ADD meds again. He does need them, they work for him, he is still a good person on his meds, he does not abuse them. First it was concerta, then it was concerta and ritalin.. Did I know where he kept his meds, yep sure did, all 10,000 hiding places. Did I take his pills and lie about it, yep sure did. This went for a while until I had enough after we would argue all the time because of my erratic behavior. I went a year with not taking his meds and for a while our marriage got better and the kids were our absolute focus. This was 2010.

Then John lost his job and I became the breadwinner and he stayed with the kids while I picked up extra shifts and he collected unemployment. He continued his ADD meds and I stayed away from them at first.....

Soon the stress of working 16 hour shifts back to back to back got the best of me. I had the ability to work from home though and set up my home office. I would try to juggle my long work hours, motherhood, wifehood, school volunteering, and then taking care of the home. Thankfully John had the unemployment and is a good, caring father, but he is not mommy.

Soon my old friends came back to haunt me: clinical depression, low self worth, fear, anger, resentment, and unresolved issues with my parents and childhood. I was in for the worst 2 years of my life, 2010-April 2012.

The depression hit me like a ton of bricks around the holidays in 2010. I was so exhausted from working and would sleep all day while the kids were in school then go on call in the afternoon and be up all night working...viscous cycle as well. Sleep deprivation and the clinically depressed is not a good combo, but being the good little nurse that I am, I went to my doctor and got on Cymbalta that had worked well for me before and have been on 90 mg daily and it did help for a while. I soon began to like my nights working and would sleep all day if I needed to between shifts since John was home and could take care of the kids. It was not an unusual thing for triage calls to come in all night long, so I had a good excuse.

On my days off, I felt pressure to be the best mom and take the kids out and have fun, but we had no money and that began to wear on me. I resented John for putting me in the situation of having to work, work, work and then not have any time to myself. I began to pull away from him sexually as a form of punishment for him I guess...I was not aware I was doing that until much later. We would spend some nights during the week watching movies and have a few drinks. Well then it became 3-5 times a week and a 12 pack each movie. I had forgotten that alcohol worked well for me to forget my worries, loosen me up, and I could escape just like I did with the coke and stimulants I just didn't get as much done. I began to hide how much I would drink, hid beer cans, buy a 12 pack and hide it in my closet to replace the ones I drank while he was sleeping and put them back in the fridge. I never drank during the day, hangovers were rare since I just stuck with beer, but I was not functioning well. I became a binge drinker.All the while that this is going on, I am excelling at my job, people love me at work. Remember, I worked from home during this time. I did not have to shower, put on nice clothes or face anyone. All I had to do was be ready to answer the phones for 16 hours, check messages, chart, and be there for the patient's and families calling in. I mastered the ability to sound great, when I felt horrible. This too went on for a long while.

I began to get every tired at this point (Spring of this year) and John had been put on adderall by this point and was no longer on the concerta or ritalin and it had been 4 years since coke was around. I remember looking in his garage on a 16 hour shift and saw that orange bottle with the little orange pills in there. I took a quarter and slipped back upstairs and finished my shift, it was 0400 and I had 4 hours left and I was happy, awake, able to focus on my charting, more patience with the families and patients that called in that shift, and even paid the bills and organized my office which I was too tired or depressed to get done.

That quarter was the start of sneaking, begging my husband for some, becoming an expert at hide and seek while he slept and I had the on call phone on my hip and the kids were tucked in fast asleep. I loved my late nights working, adderalling, focusing. I would read, write, research. I got a lot done. I applied to a local university to go back to get my bachelors degree in nursing. I reduced some APR's on 2 credit cards, I researched parenting, did laundry, made the kids lunches, checked their home work...etc...all while the people I love more than anything slept and they thought I was getting at least some rest too if I was on call. I would lie about how much I slept or what time I fell asleep. Who lies about how much they sleep? Addicts do.

My little world began to unravel piece by piece. I became sleep deprived and since the script was not mine, I would have to take a few days off or even weeks to make sure John was not catching on that his script was a little low. The nationwide shortage this past year of the 20 mg IR tabs made his doctor move him up to 30 mg IR twice a day so he had left overs since he would take 30 mg mainly each day and not 60mg. He caught on after I became to not care that I was up all night and needing to sleep. He would get so angry with me and hide his pills and make me swear I would not touch them, but usually within 24 hours, I would find them and get my little 1/2 a pill and some beer and have my time.

Our marriage was taking major hits from my depression that would come from guilt of taking his meds, and my anger began to be more noticeable when I was off the pills and could not get anymore. I would drink heavier when the pills were not an option and I became I mean drunk. Now, all this happened after I was a "good mom" and made them dinner, went to the park, and did homework. I was able, somehow to have enough strength to be there for them and was never wasted in front of them...ever. Does that make it ok, no, but at least they won't have the mental image for the rest of their lives.

My drinking, pill popping got me arrested this past Spring. John and I went to a comedy club and had a great time. However, we were mixing liquor, beer, adderall (each had 10 mg) and we were out on the town, had a babysitter so we were living it up. Yet, we got into a fight in the parking lot when I told him not to drive (he was very buzzed) and we stormed off in separate directions. I went and drank martinis and him gin and tonics. I gave up trying to have a good night with him and opted to get a cab home and he could deal with getting home later once sober. I was very drunk, crying, mad as hell when I got to the ATM to get out cash for a cab and some guy said something to me I cannot remember now and I jumped down his throat. Another guy came over and tried to talk to me, but I was pissed and I told him to "fuck off" and stepped on his foot to get him to back off (was wearing flip flops) and turned to use the ATM. Next thing I know my face hits the ground, I have a knee in my back, and I cannot move. He was a cop and he was taking me down. I was immediately acutely aware that I had fucked up in a major way and sobered up quick. I was arrested and taken to jail and charged with assaulting an officer and being intoxicated/ disruptive Meanwhile, John was back at our car on the other side of the building and was not aware of this and my mom was home with our kids expecting us at any time. Nothing will humble you more than being in handcuffs and seeing how destructive one can become. This was a life changing night for me and I thank God for it because it saved my marriage, my career, and I hope one day it will save me.

What I mean by saying that is, it was not my bottom getting arrested and having my livelyhood jeopardized. I knew I needed help and went to AA meetings, started counseling, saved my job by telling them what happened and submitting to drug tests whenever they want.

I feel I am living my bottom now because I am a smart woman, I know what the right things are to do. I know what to do to be a good employee, a good client for my lawyer, a good wife and mom to get by. However, I'm very scared that my bottom is still to come, that my addiction to substances is not done with me. Of course I have a diagnosis of depression (long line on my dads side) and of all things ADD too. This diagnosis is new and it was made in the last month by more than on doctor and I am working with my counselor who specializes in addiction to make sure I stay on the right path. Adderall is now available to me and I don't have to sneak around anymore. I do find I am able to relax when I take the 10-20 mg of the IR and the anger and rage is gone and I am not drinking. I do feel more focused and not tweaked out anymore, but I am nervous...

It feels good to get all of this down and no matter how crazy I am or what may happen next. I feel I am open to suggestions from those with more experience, strength, and hope than I do now. I am going to my doctor in the morning to have my med dose checked and I am conflicted....my addict brain wants the pills to keep me from craving them if they weren't here. Thanks for reading this to those who had a lot of time on your hands...ha.

[highonlife]

I don't have a lot of time on my heads but when I am having trouble sleeping I get on the forums to read the posts. This site was very encouraging to me and I hope to extend help to others that need it as well. I hope it is not too late for you to read this, but please please do not get more Adderall from you doc. If you do, atleast inform him of your situation and maybe discuss options for winging you off. There is a lot I could say, but I would like to wait and see how you are going to handle this situation.

You sound like a very responsible hard working woman who truly cares about your children. Keep us posted on your decision to continue to take Adderall. That directly effects my response. Do what you know is right! We are here to help.

[Kathleen]

Wow.

Your story really hit me hard.

[ashley6]

Edie,

I wish I had read your story before we messaged back and forth. You're truly a fighter. I'm SO glad you're doing what you can to get yourself well. You are so honest and open with your story....good for you.

One thing that struck me is how similarly you described coke and adderall. Someone once told me they were very similar, coke more intense, adderall lasted longer...interesting. I'm pulling for you

[Jkamay]

Thank you for your story.

[Kathleen]

Edie, How is everything coming along?

[unod1a]

Damn, i am so glad i stopped in the early stages of addiction. Reading some of the stuff on here, i can see where i was headed and i applaud people like you who have the courage to quit. Having to take care of a family is a whole different thing to just worrying about grades and such.

I also do not think it helps if you keep taking it but if you think you can take it controllably, then you should but i am scared shitless of even taking 1mg. i know i can't do it so gave it up for good.

Good luck