Day 10. But... something happened and I could use some support.

[DelaneyJuliette]

Hi there!  I love this group.  Today is day 10.  I am doing this this time, and I know that is just words, but it's different this time.  I just know it in my soul.  I've done all the right planning, it's been years (like 10) of this stupid trying to get off this shit dance and I am seriously done.  I took off work all last week and took care of myself.  I felt horrible.  I spent the time alternating between sobbing and sleeping.  But I am finally starting to feel a little okay.  Here's the issue.  Today I have to pack b/c I'm traveling with my (very hard to get along with) husband and 4 kids) leaving late tonight.  Packing has always been a trigger but I know I can do this.  I have to remember, it's not adderall perfect packed I'm going for, it's "get the fuck in the van and make it to NC" packed I'm going for."  But here's the real issue: 

Last night looking for boggle paper, my husband found my journal that said first line, "day 4 off adderall, Nov 29th" (which isn't even accurate but who cares.)  He's not the snooping type, so he literally didn't read more (i don't get how he does that but he does) but he thought i quit adderall like a year ago. In my week off he asked me like 20 times if I'd gone back on it and this was withdrawal and i lied and lied b/c he is not the kind that would be compassionate about that and in my mental state i just couldn't handle more guilt.  He believed me, and thought it was a hormone thing that was getting fixed, and i felt like i was receiving the kind of support i needed from him (not support at all, just not overt disdain.)  But now, after reading that, naturally, he is angry and hurt and mistrustful and he takes it out on me in very passive aggressive ways.  I am 100% aware that I am COMPLETELY in the wrong here, i am just so raw.  When something like this happens I feel like a small child in trouble.  That is probably one of the most triggering feelings or me.  I just am reaching out for support that I am not alone in this crazy journey.  I can do this and I will do this.  

My mind tells me that its not fair that he is acting like he is, cold, cut off, trying to punish me (with words), not recognizing that i am actually packing all 6 of us ALONE.  (okay victim mode there, sorry.)  But the truth is that it doesn't matter if its fair or not.  The truth is that that is how he reacts to feeling hurt and angry and blindsided and i can't change that.  He can feel how he feels.  He can do what he does.  What i need to remember is that i am strong and his reaction is predictable.  What i need to remember is that i will not let his emotions cause me to do something that will negatively affect my life.  I am just so sad right now.  I hate this.  When i feel like this i just want to make it all better.   I want to get everything back to good.  I want to overcompensate.  But the truth is, that will do nothing.  Nothing will help.  What will help, is me staying sober and going on about my life sober.  And maybe an apology and an amends, but it may be too soon for that.  I am scared the whole trip is ruined.  I am scared all the things I have to talk to him about in the car that I've been making lists of (shit like housework, and orthodontist stuff b/c we literally never have time to talk) will now all be ruined.  But the truth is, who cares.  That shit will work itself out.  I do not need to make everything better b/c i CAN'T.  I don't need to feel like a little kid b/c i'm NOT.  I feel like i've just created a power differential that makes him the "right one" and he is very narcissistic so he will act on that.  But the truth is, so what?  There is literally nothing for me to do, but stay sober and keep going.  I am done sleeping all day now, so I am going to pack (unperfectly) and just be ready to go in the morning.  My "illusion" of the "perfect trip" may be gone but it was just an illusion anyway to make me happy b/c there could never be a perfect trip.  So it is what it is.  I need to accept what is and stay strong in myself.  I can do this.  Thanks guys for listening.  I will stay sober. 

[sirod9]

You are doing great! you aren't responsible for how he feels about it, feeling responsible for how everyone feels about everything is what caused me to return to adderall so many times. let it go, if you can. If he wants to discuss, discuss it, but try to be easy on yourself. this addiction is SO HARD. I am nearing month 5, and I'm in a depression. it is easy to think this is how I will always feel, but I know that it will get better, and it is helpful hearing from folks who are on month 1 because it helps me remember that it gets better. little by little. some weeks I feel like I backslide, but things improve. 

Keep up the good work, ask your husband for support. plain and simple. just say, hey, I need some help here. I hope he is strong enough to put his own stuff aside and just help. 

10 Days!!! that is huge! I took this medication for 6 years, often well over 100 miligrams. Sometimes over 200 milligrams. Just trying to be easy on myself. Let's all be easy on ourselves! 

[DrewK15]

Congrats on day 10 @DelaneyJuliette. I really hope to see it stick for you this time! For what it’s worth, it sounds like you have too much going on. I saw a website for a new amphetamine addy-like drug called Mydayis and the homepage is a picture of a mom making dinner, on the phone, and getting the kids ready for baseball practice all at the same time. (Very gross ad by the way, so blatantly manipulative). It kind of sounds like that’s what you’re trying to do. Recovery needs to be #1 in your life for a while if you’re going to do this successfully.

[Hopefulily]

@DelaneyJulietteCONGRATS on 10 days!!! Very very impressive. And seriously from one mom to another I can’t tell you enough how impressed I am with you and your dedication!! Sometimes as moms we feel like we have the weight on our shoulders. Sometimes I get angry and frustrated with the expectation women and moms are just supposed to be in charge of everything. It’s ridiculous but I have worked with a great therapist reminding me that basically all we can do is our best. She encourages me to ask my husband for help, plain and simple like stated above. If I tell him I am feeling overwhelmed then we can divvy up the massive amounts of chores that are required to keep a household running. My husband and I have been seeing a marriage counselors regularly for 7 years and are just now having some breakthroughs on this. I highly recommend that btw! It’s cheaper than a divorce and has helped us fall back in love with each other over and over again which tbh sometimes shocks me lol. When we assume the positive of each other it helps. I will say for me and my personal experience my adderall mood swings, ups downs and all arounds probably contributed to why we had to do so much counseling. I am now fully realizing that sadly. But sometimes laughing about it helps too. I actually sat down on the couch with my husband last night (I probably haven’t done that in years thanks so my obsession with adderall and “being productive”) and he was watching a show Yellowstone. I started watching it too and in a dinner scene there is a couple. The woman, Beth, is throwing a fit, smoking a cigarette and pouring a drink. I have on and off watched the show and she admits to one point being on adderall so she can drink more and not seem like it. Anyway back to her fit- Beth is emotional and her partner says “why don’t you just ask for what you want?” So she does and then gets it. It makes her happy and her partner gives her a kiss and laughs saying something like “I love you. You make life harder everyday” and they both laugh. This made my husband and me laugh bc I KNOW I do this with my during or post adderall times (which is a lot). So for me I’m realizing that I might have been harder to deal with and would always used to blame my husband. Turns out he just doesn’t read my mind but is happy to help when I ask calmly and then say thank you. It’s a tactic I’m embarrassed to say I had to learn in marriage counseling. But it helps and has improved our relationship! Now with me giving up adderall I’m hoping this will continue. I love reading on here that peoples relationships get better and they laugh and enjoy things with their spouse. I enjoyed it last night on the couch and am excited for all of the fun, silly and laughs to come bc I’m not strung out trying to get everything perfect aka adderall perfect. This is part of my story and I’m not saying it’s yours but I feel like adderall has done more to my relationship and the more I come clean with my husband the closer we have become. I’m honestly amazed at the support he is giving me- letting me sleep in as I come off this drug all of the way finally (on day 2 here after weaning down from 120 or more some days in January). I would have never thought he would be open to that but I opened up to him and he has been doing more than he ever has with cleaning and the kids! Also I have hormone issues too and take synthroid. I’m realizing that affects me more than I realized too- was taking too much of that bc adderall interferes with it and that was causing me hormone rage. I have to go my kids have probably painted all over the walls by now lol and not being on adderall I’ve just been laughing and shrugging it off. Who am I and how am I becoming a laid back mom?!!! Still exhausted though and haven’t even put their shoes on to get in the backyard. Going to try and do that now. Reading this site is amazing but sometimes I put in my earbuds and need to hear the quitting adderall message or see it. These videos are helpful:

 

[GeorgiaRigby]

On 12/19/2021 at 6:28 AM, DelaneyJuliette said:

Hi there!  I love this group.  Today is day 10.  I am doing this this time, and I know that is just words, but it's different this time.  I just know it in my soul.  I've done all the right planning, it's been years (like 10) of this stupid trying to get off this shit dance and I am seriously done.  I took off work all last week and took care of myself.  I felt horrible.  I spent the time alternating between sobbing and sleeping.  But I am finally starting to feel a little okay.  Here's the issue.  Today I have to pack b/c I'm traveling with my (very hard to get along with) husband and 4 kids) leaving late tonight.  Packing has always been a trigger but I know I can do this.  I have to remember, it's not adderall perfect packed I'm going for, it's "get the fuck in the van and make it to NC" packed I'm going for."  But here's the real issue: 

Last night looking for boggle paper, my husband found my journal that said first line, "day 4 off adderall, Nov 29th" (which isn't even accurate but who cares.)  He's not the snooping type, so he literally didn't read more (i don't get how he does that but he does) but he thought i quit adderall like a year ago. In my week off he asked me like 20 times if I'd gone back on it and this was withdrawal and i lied and lied b/c he is not the kind that would be compassionate about that and in my mental state i just couldn't handle more guilt.  He believed me, and thought it was a hormone thing that was getting fixed, and i felt like i was receiving the kind of support i needed from him (not support at all, just not overt disdain.)  But now, after reading that, naturally, he is angry and hurt and mistrustful and he takes it out on me in very passive aggressive ways.  I am 100% aware that I am COMPLETELY in the wrong here, i am just so raw.  When something like this happens I feel like a small child in trouble.  That is probably one of the most triggering feelings or me.  I just am reaching out for support that I am not alone in this crazy journey.  I can do this and I will do this.  

My mind tells me that its not fair that he is acting like he is, cold, cut off, trying to punish me (with words), not recognizing that i am actually packing all 6 of us ALONE.  (okay victim mode there, sorry.)  But the truth is that it doesn't matter if its fair or not.  The truth is that that is how he reacts to feeling hurt and angry and blindsided and i can't change that.  He can feel how he feels.  He can do what he does.  What i need to remember is that i am strong and his reaction is predictable.  What i need to remember is that i will not let his emotions cause me to do something that will negatively affect my life.  I am just so sad right now.  I hate this.  When i feel like this i just want to make it all better.   I want to get everything back to good.  I want to overcompensate.  But the truth is, that will do nothing.  Nothing will help.  What will help, is me staying sober and going on about my life sober.  And maybe an apology and an amends, but it may be too soon for that.  I am scared the whole trip is ruined.  I am scared all the things I have to talk to him about in the car that I've been making lists of (shit like housework, and orthodontist stuff b/c we literally never have time to talk) will now all be ruined.  But the truth is, who cares.  That shit will work itself out.  I do not need to make everything better b/c i CAN'T.  I don't need to feel like a little kid b/c i'm NOT.  I feel like i've just created a power differential that makes him the "right one" and he is very narcissistic so he will act on that.  But the truth is, so what?  There is literally nothing for me to do, but stay sober and keep going.  I am done sleeping all day now, so I am going to pack (unperfectly) and just be ready to go in the morning.  My "illusion" of the "perfect trip" may be gone but it was just an illusion anyway to make me happy b/c there could never be a perfect trip.  So it is what it is.  I need to accept what is and stay strong in myself.  I can do this.  Thanks guys for listening.  I will stay sober. 

Hi Delaney!  I hope you are being kinder and easier on yourself!! You are just fine, whatever it takes to be in the right place for YOU is alright, you aren't hurting anybody by declaring that your last day was such and such... It really is not important, what's important is that you have been on your healing journey and putting the work in to better yourself and how you feel.  This is hard work and much more than most people, (recovering people or not!) are doing in their day to day... I know that feeling of being a "little kid". and like you're "in trouble", but however you feel is OK!   and I think your husband is going to understand and I hope that he has shifted his perspective on this. That feeling of being raw, I feel that so much in the mornings and going to bed.  The alternating between sobbing and sleeping, yep!!! I wake myself up and fall asleep crying and I just have to remind myself that this is my healing journey!! I  know I'm not all that helpful right now and my brain is having trouble with word finding... I am just so sorry you are going through this time but know that you are loved by your family and others on here!!  We can get through all of it.   

[GeorgiaRigby]

On 12/19/2021 at 11:26 AM, sirod9 said:

You are doing great! you aren't responsible for how he feels about it, feeling responsible for how everyone feels about everything is what caused me to return to adderall so many times. let it go, if you can. If he wants to discuss, discuss it, but try to be easy on yourself. this addiction is SO HARD. I am nearing month 5, and I'm in a depression. it is easy to think this is how I will always feel, but I know that it will get better, and it is helpful hearing from folks who are on month 1 because it helps me remember that it gets better. little by little. some weeks I feel like I backslide, but things improve. 

Keep up the good work, ask your husband for support. plain and simple. just say, hey, I need some help here. I hope he is strong enough to put his own stuff aside and just help. 

10 Days!!! that is huge! I took this medication for 6 years, often well over 100 miligrams. Sometimes over 200 milligrams. Just trying to be easy on myself. Let's all be easy on ourselves! 

You are right, let's be easy on ourselves!!! We take these little orange pills to be brave or to feel more ready or capable or beautiful- it's us at the end of the day that really makes things happen, not the pill!! Our soul and essence shines through any medicated version of ourselves and we have to always attach ourselves to that soul/spirit and give him/her a hug...

[GeorgiaRigby]

2 hours ago, Hopefulily said:

@DelaneyJulietteCONGRATS on 10 days!!! Very very impressive. And seriously from one mom to another I can’t tell you enough how impressed I am with you and your dedication!! Sometimes as moms we feel like we have the weight on our shoulders. Sometimes I get angry and frustrated with the expectation women and moms are just supposed to be in charge of everything. It’s ridiculous but I have worked with a great therapist reminding me that basically all we can do is our best. She encourages me to ask my husband for help, plain and simple like stated above. If I tell him I am feeling overwhelmed then we can divvy up the massive amounts of chores that are required to keep a household running. My husband and I have been seeing a marriage counselors regularly for 7 years and are just now having some breakthroughs on this. I highly recommend that btw! It’s cheaper than a divorce and has helped us fall back in love with each other over and over again which tbh sometimes shocks me lol. When we assume the positive of each other it helps. I will say for me and my personal experience my adderall mood swings, ups downs and all arounds probably contributed to why we had to do so much counseling. I am now fully realizing that sadly. But sometimes laughing about it helps too. I actually sat down on the couch with my husband last night (I probably haven’t done that in years thanks so my obsession with adderall and “being productive”) and he was watching a show Yellowstone. I started watching it too and in a dinner scene there is a couple. The woman, Beth, is throwing a fit, smoking a cigarette and pouring a drink. I have on and off watched the show and she admits to one point being on adderall so she can drink more and not seem like it. Anyway back to her fit- Beth is emotional and her partner says “why don’t you just ask for what you want?” So she does and then gets it. It makes her happy and her partner gives her a kiss and laughs saying something like “I love you. You make life harder everyday” and they both laugh. This made my husband and me laugh bc I KNOW I do this with my during or post adderall times (which is a lot). So for me I’m realizing that I might have been harder to deal with and would always used to blame my husband. Turns out he just doesn’t read my mind but is happy to help when I ask calmly and then say thank you. It’s a tactic I’m embarrassed to say I had to learn in marriage counseling. But it helps and has improved our relationship! Now with me giving up adderall I’m hoping this will continue. I love reading on here that peoples relationships get better and they laugh and enjoy things with their spouse. I enjoyed it last night on the couch and am excited for all of the fun, silly and laughs to come bc I’m not strung out trying to get everything perfect aka adderall perfect. This is part of my story and I’m not saying it’s yours but I feel like adderall has done more to my relationship and the more I come clean with my husband the closer we have become. I’m honestly amazed at the support he is giving me- letting me sleep in as I come off this drug all of the way finally (on day 2 here after weaning down from 120 or more some days in January). I would have never thought he would be open to that but I opened up to him and he has been doing more than he ever has with cleaning and the kids! Also I have hormone issues too and take synthroid. I’m realizing that affects me more than I realized too- was taking too much of that bc adderall interferes with it and that was causing me hormone rage. I have to go my kids have probably painted all over the walls by now lol and not being on adderall I’ve just been laughing and shrugging it off. Who am I and how am I becoming a laid back mom?!!! Still exhausted though and haven’t even put their shoes on to get in the backyard. Going to try and do that now. Reading this site is amazing but sometimes I put in my earbuds and need to hear the quitting adderall message or see it. These videos are helpful:

 

Oh my goodness, I have been watching Yellowstone, also!! What a great show... I also sort of giggled at the adderall reference. I also relate so much to Beth's crying in the bathroom after seeing her dad and nephew together.. There is so much inner-child work I think our specific group needs to put in.  I feel so afraid and so small sometimes.  I am also amazed at the support my boyfriend has been giving me also.  I was laughing for real (out loud laughs) because I have been hyper fixated on the fact that others around me have these loud, belly laughs about everything and anything and I was even attempting to learn to "fake laugh" just to make sure others around me know that I am enjoying myself.... I couldn't even get fake laughs out on this medication.  I took 11 days off and then for a couple of days went back on and over the weekend and up until today I haven't taken any.  Sometimes I convince myself that things will also be more enjoyable or that I will love life again and feel the magic if I can just take a little bit.... But I even was able to laugh today without taking them and even though I've been by myself all day (my boyfriend and I had covid together and quarantined for 3 weeks) I did alright... Although I cried myself asleep and awake again knowing how much I would miss him being here and the feelings of being alone with all of this terrify me!  Then I remembered to come on here and talk with all of you and get my mind in a place that can feel there is love around me and people that are also experiencing this also.  

[Hopefulily]

Yes - you do!!! Sending you love and support vibes! You can do this! My motto for today has been “embrace the suck.”

That is such an interesting point about the inner child work…a therapist told me that one time. So sorry to hear you are crying but sometimes I think letting it out then makes room for the positive to start coming in. 
I might start regularly watching Yellowstone too! A nice distraction to enjoy! 
 
 

[GeorgiaRigby]

On 12/20/2021 at 4:52 PM, Hopefulily said:

Yes - you do!!! Sending you love and support vibes! You can do this! My motto for today has been “embrace the suck.”

That is such an interesting point about the inner child work…a therapist told me that one time. So sorry to hear you are crying but sometimes I think letting it out then makes room for the positive to start coming in. 
I might start regularly watching Yellowstone too! A nice distraction to enjoy! 
 
 

I took my medication today, I'm so bummed.  I have a migraine and I don't feel anything today..  I want to try again tomorrow.  Sending love right back and support vibes!!!!!! 

[DelaneyJuliette]

23 hours ago, GeorgiaRigby said:

I took my medication today, I'm so bummed.  I have a migraine and I don't feel anything today..  I want to try again tomorrow.  Sending love right back and support vibes!!!!!! 

It's okay!  You can start over any time!  Today is Day 2 now for me bc I ended up not being able to pack and get out of the house for my trip, but it's okay.  I feel great bc it was just like 24 hours and then I got right back on the plan!

[DelaneyJuliette]

On 12/20/2021 at 4:26 PM, GeorgiaRigby said:

Oh my goodness, I have been watching Yellowstone, also!! What a great show... I also sort of giggled at the adderall reference. I also relate so much to Beth's crying in the bathroom after seeing her dad and nephew together.. There is so much inner-child work I think our specific group needs to put in.  I feel so afraid and so small sometimes.  I am also amazed at the support my boyfriend has been giving me also.  I was laughing for real (out loud laughs) because I have been hyper fixated on the fact that others around me have these loud, belly laughs about everything and anything and I was even attempting to learn to "fake laugh" just to make sure others around me know that I am enjoying myself.... I couldn't even get fake laughs out on this medication.  I took 11 days off and then for a couple of days went back on and over the weekend and up until today I haven't taken any.  Sometimes I convince myself that things will also be more enjoyable or that I will love life again and feel the magic if I can just take a little bit.... But I even was able to laugh today without taking them and even though I've been by myself all day (my boyfriend and I had covid together and quarantined for 3 weeks) I did alright... Although I cried myself asleep and awake again knowing how much I would miss him being here and the feelings of being alone with all of this terrify me!  Then I remembered to come on here and talk with all of you and get my mind in a place that can feel there is love around me and people that are also experiencing this also.  

Hope, this was SO helpful.   My husband and I fight so much so often when he makes a bid for connection I'm angry or too bust or something.   This morning after reading your post, he wanted to cuddle for a few minutes and instead of being annoyed bc I had literally just started Journaling, I went back and cuddled and it was so nice to have had a different perspective.   I'm grateful for u guys! And now I wanna watch Yellowstone too!!  I love quitlit and movies and stuff.  While massively withdrawing last week I watched Candy, Flight and Four Good Days.