Almost 5 months - dealing with a lot of depression

[sirod9]

I'm in it, it is really hard. Last week, I received a text from my "in between dealer." aka - the gal I bought adderall from when my prescription ran out. She texted me a menu of what she had. I deleted her number, but I knew it was her. I kindly let her know I was not taking it, but thank you. Then deleted her number. my brain started trying to convince me to get some, or romantisising. The next day, boom! PAWS. I felt like I was back in the first month of recovery. Tired, depressed, hungry. so weird. I am just riding this, I guess. I'm also going through an very hard "fork in the road" rough patch with my boyfriend. I wouldn't even say he is my boyfriend right now, it is 50/50 either this will or will not move ahead. I'm not sure. It is just hard. The damage from my adderall use, and terrible emotional state during my adderall use has pretty much laid a very damaged foundation to what could have been a very sweet, loving relationship. I'm just trying to keep  myself together.

Apologies for the spelling and bad writing. I am mixed up  right now. I hope things get better, I know they will. This is just really HARD.

[DrewK15]

@sirod9 I just wanted to say what you did deleting your dealers’ number when they contacted you was awesome and no small feat. I and many others on here have been where you are! Here is a link to a post from when I was 6 months sober, the responses from some senior members on the site were awesome and I think would be encouraging. Hang in there! 
 

http://forum.quittingadderall.com/forums/topic/4302-letting-go-completely/?tab=comments#comment-31741

[Hopefulily]

@sirod9i too feel down from the issues I have caused in my relationship. I have come clean to my husband about everything and that has helped some but I’m stop going to promise to be better I’m just going to try and do it. The senior members and old posts on this site are so helpful. I can’t thank @Mikeenough for starting this. He is one amazing person to put all of this hard work into helping total strangers. 
I am taking Wellbutrin and it is helping me. I don’t think I could do this without it. I know that’s not ideal swapping one pill for another but I plan to get off eventually after I’ve been off adderall for 6 months. I also am trying to eat super clean and not eat gluten or dairy. I’ve read over and over that that helps. It’s no fun and I mess up all the time but it makes an incredible difference when I eat super clean. 
good luck and hang in there!!!!

[Hopefulily]

@DrewK15thank you for sharing that post! Wow so helpful and incredibly strong and true words!!!

[sirod9]

19 hours ago, DrewK15 said:

@sirod9 I just wanted to say what you did deleting your dealers’ number when they contacted you was awesome and no small feat. I and many others on here have been where you are! Here is a link to a post from when I was 6 months sober, the responses from some senior members on the site were awesome and I think would be encouraging. Hang in there! 
 

http://forum.quittingadderall.com/forums/topic/4302-letting-go-completely/?tab=comments#comment-31741

Thank you, DrewK15! Any encouragement helps so much!

[DelaneyJuliette]

On 12/19/2021 at 12:33 PM, sirod9 said:

I'm in it, it is really hard. Last week, I received a text from my "in between dealer." aka - the gal I bought adderall from when my prescription ran out. She texted me a menu of what she had. I deleted her number, but I knew it was her. I kindly let her know I was not taking it, but thank you. Then deleted her number. my brain started trying to convince me to get some, or romantisising. The next day, boom! PAWS. I felt like I was back in the first month of recovery. Tired, depressed, hungry. so weird. I am just riding this, I guess. I'm also going through an very hard "fork in the road" rough patch with my boyfriend. I wouldn't even say he is my boyfriend right now, it is 50/50 either this will or will not move ahead. I'm not sure. It is just hard. The damage from my adderall use, and terrible emotional state during my adderall use has pretty much laid a very damaged foundation to what could have been a very sweet, loving relationship. I'm just trying to keep  myself together.

Apologies for the spelling and bad writing. I am mixed up  right now. I hope things get better, I know they will. This is just really HARD.

You are so right that this is a temporary state due to your body and brain still readjusting to a new baseline without substances.  I am so proud of you!