Day 10

[Hopefulily]

I threw my remaining pills in the dog park trash can last Friday. I felt like such a sketch doing it but I knew I had to stop trying to wean and just do cold turkey.

Luckily my husband is keeping me on task (as best as he can) and finally told me my doctor is giving me a noose with all of these pills to hang myself with and he is so sick of watching it. It was intense to hear that and I know my doctor doesn't care how I am doing on all of the medications she gives me which started with adderall but for some reason I want her to care about me? And that she isn't the enabler that she really is... I know it is my fault but it is kind of scary to be reading The Amphetiamine Debate and to realize how much she was giving me and how she isn't more careful when perscribing. I hope to one day get the courage to send her the amphatmine debate or everything I am learning and asking her why this was never recommended. Why do doctors not really tell us what we are about to start taking/putting into our body and the dangers of it? I have learned about all of the people who overdosed from getting addicted to amphetamines and then downers - Elvis, Judy Garland, professional athletes. Just sad and shocking and yet I was on that train they were. I have thrown away all of my xanax, ambien, adderal. It is all out of our house. That feels good. I do take cbd oil some nights though and took a wellbutrin today.

I highly recommend The Amphetamine Debate if anyone wants to learn more about what the adderall is that we are putting into our body. I am not out of the woods yet as I am only on day ten and turned to alcohol this weekend to cope with the stress of this and then fished out some wellbutrin today. Also, I am not going to lie I am still scrounging around hoping to find one last little piece of a leftover pill. I know some people are strong enough that when they find one they would not. I am almost mad at myself for throwing away all of the adderall or "those precious pills" my mind told me one time as I think about them a lot. If only I could take one more. But I can't. I was so angry and depressed last week after taking 25mgs and going above where I had weaned down to yet again so the next morning I woke up and threw them all away. It felt liberating and good and exciting. But now I am tired and going through this tough part which for me- one year away seems like no end in sight.

This process really is minute to minute for me. One minute I am so proud of myself and the next I am scrounging for leftovers. And I have checked some of the same places over and over and over. Luckily my husband keeps telling me how much more patient I am and how he is enjoying it. We went to marriage counseling and our therapist is encouraging me to get lots of rest, etc. He told me how proud he is of me. But as a mom and wife who used adderall to be the perfect person I want to be it is so hard. I miss my "easy" button but it is not an easy button. It just creates chaos. And turns me into someone I hate. Who hates herself.

Random question - did anyone notice their driving got really bad? I guess I need to start up with my meditation again because whew I find myself so distracted as I am driving around whether with my kids or alone.

 

[Groundhogdaze]

Hi Hopefully, 

I know what you are going through.  I am on day 34.   I use the AA app to keep track.   

I have been on this forum previously, about three times, with that same scrounging around, mad I tossed it out; emptying purses, drawers, you name it to find those tiny fragments to use. I always ended up frantically making an appointment and getting more from my "dealer".   My doctor prescribed adderall 23 years ago. I've had twenty three years of this roller coaster and my heart is now damaged.  My echocardiogram result was the final straw to get me to go through withdrawal.

Now I have new medical results that are making me even more upset.  Adderall can lead to osteoporosis. I have it; though not 100% from adderall, I shouldn't have severe osteoporosis yet.  My endocrinologist told me adderall causes this as well.  I have to go on a painful infusion to prevent fractures, and I am/was an active cyclist/mountain biker/skiier/walker and yet have no stamina, I'm short of breath, and fragile. My teeth are shot. If you are young, I hope this information helps you to stay off and keep or regain your health. Once you are past a certain age, the heart muscle doesn't get much better. Our bones are always losing mass from age 30 and older so we don't need adderall to make things worse.  I'm in almost constant pain and almost always exhausted. Normal weight and good diet. Heart rate always at least 90. So...yeah. not happy. 

Even with all that bad news, I can only take it one day at a time. At ten days I didn't think I could make it another hour let alone another day.   I actually went to NA when I had severe cravings. It's getting better but still comes up strongly. NA helped me because I knew I wasn't alone with the damage I 've done to myself.  They teach you how to live life on life's terms and now my terms are kind of sucky. 

I hope you get strength from your husband and friends and wherever you need it.   If you have to go to a 12 step program or a residential program, I'd recommend it. This drug is not worth the damage it does.  Sometimes we can't do this alone. I wish I had reached out for help before I had done this much damage. 

Driving? Really struggling there. I rent; i don't own.  when I drive, I do listen to podcasts but I was so spaced out I almost ran a few lights and my friend in the car caught it.  

Stay current here. I'd hope you can look ahead to better days. I'll get that book later but right now it is too much.