It is time to find out if any of what I've built has mattered

[eyelashaddict]

My story began 8 years ago. I was in my second year of college and was struggling hard with depression and social anxiety. While I hit it off with my roommate, I could barely get the courage to go to class let alone hang out with people in a social setting. So I sought treatment at the school’s psychiatric center. I was prescribed Zoloft but didn’t take it regularly because I didn’t like how it felt. Still devoid of social connection I downloaded a dating app.  

One night, I decided to meet up with a guy named Alex I met on there. Because of how shy I was, this was my first date ever and I was actually excited despite my nervousness. I didn’t want to go to his apartment but social anxiety makes you comply with people even when you know you shouldn’t or don’t want to. Like, my very first kiss was a stranger in his car who yelled at me across the street and said I was pretty and "could he have a kiss?" Of course I didn’t want my first kiss to be a stranger in his car. But naive, not raised well, and feeling pressured, I complied. Romantic.

Anyways, for my first date, I drank and smoked weed with Alex while we listened to The Smiths. I remember nothing, then remember him tickling me and my heart beating really fast but in a bad way. Then he took advantage of me. I remember waking up in the dark in the middle of the night and hearing him snoring and I just left and didn’t tell anyone what happened.

I felt so disgusting and worthless and convinced I’d never be loved. That night I took all of the Zoloft I had and threw in some Advil PM for good measure. When I started hallucinating though, I panicked and called my roommate who took me to the hospital.

After a 3-day largely uneventful inpatient stay at the hospital, I was discharged with new medication. My dad picked me up and took me home, and I withdrew from college.

Back home, I enrolled in a PHP program that was basically like day camp for depressed/suicidal people lol. It sounds super cheesy but it was one of the best experiences in my life – hearing everyone else’s stories, giving and getting support, and having common goals. And arts and crafts. And it was there that I learned from others that I am actually a worthy person. I had never been told that before. I learned for the first time that I am really pretty and smart and actually began to be able to see it myself.

During that time I reconnected with high school friends who’d recently began drinking and I joined them, again, out of a desperation to “comply” socially. I disclosed this to the counselors who then believed I was an alcoholic (I know this sounds exactly like what an alcoholic would say, but I swear I didn’t actually have a drinking problem [back then, anyways]). So after I was done with PHP I joined their substance abuse program.

The substance abuse program was similarly intensive, with an on-house psychiatrist, group meetings, and drug testing. Ironically, it was this psychiatrist who prescribed me Adderall for the first time. After experimenting with a few different anti-depressants, I’d mentioned I was having trouble concentrating. In hindsight he seemed over-eager to prescribe me Adderall. I can’t recall exactly the progression, but I was soon taking 20 mg IR twice a day, which for a 5’4” 120 lb woman is INSANE and I don’t believe is even recommended.

I enrolled back in school and excelled. I got an amazing social life. I got a boyfriend who I moved in with immediately. I began blowing through my prescription in one week and then withdrawing for three.

My boyfriend took Adderall too, but XR. I once had a stable moral compass, but if I didn’t have any Adderall for 3 straight weeks, there’s no way I could keep up with my full time job and classes and I wouldn’t be “peppy” enough for anyone to like me. My perceived livelihood was at stake. And he had it so easy with his job where he could work from home and just play video games most of the day. Also I gave him sex even when I didn’t want to. So it was only fair for me to empty some of his capsules into my prescription bottle, lick my finger, and dip it into the stimulant fun dip whenever I wanted. Then I would fill my own prescription, blow through it, rinse and repeat.

I began performing poorly in school because I would fixate on other stupid shit instead of my classwork – literally organizing beads for 5+ hours. And then not sleeping all night, driving to school, then taking a nap in my car instead of actually going to class.

I began performing poorly in my new, fulfilling social life. I was far too energized and pressured everyone into staying out longer than they wanted to. I got way too angry and paranoid when interacting with friends.

I began performing poorly as a girlfriend, getting angry and paranoid about every comment and action he made. I fixated on his faults and how they affected me and neglected the emotional connection that I’d chemically, artificially, but willingly blinded myself to.

I somehow sustained this dynamic for four years. I graduated college and got my first real, career-related job. I left my boyfriend impulsively and moved out into my own apartment. Maybe it was because I didn’t want to admit I had been betraying his trust and stealing his medication for years.

I quickly moved onto a new boyfriend. This was the first time I’d felt like I was in love and it freaked me out. I felt like I needed to take Adderall in order for him and his friends to like me, so began abusing it more. Now, to compensate for the over-indulgence, I would go onto the dark web and order Adderall at $20/pill which would arrive concealed in magazines, teddy bears, packets of beads, etc. Sometimes it wouldn’t arrive at all and the money was completely lost. Regardless of whether I got it or not, it ate up my savings.

This new boyfriend and I had a relationship equally intensive in passion as it was abuse. When COVID hit, and I saw my opportunity to isolate, I did. I told him I was exposed to someone with COVID (which was true but perhaps over-exaggerated) and needed to quarantine for two weeks. Those two weeks I had a ridiculous amount of Adderall to my disposal and nobody to hold me accountable for my behavior and I went crazy.

I convinced my psychiatrist to prescribe more. Now I’m on both XR and IR. I began to rely on it for literally everything. I couldn’t clean or cook without it. I couldn't read or write without it. I loved how it helped me ignore the trauma I’d endured at its volition.

A few years later, (4 months ago), my lifelong best friend passed away of a heart attack. Like me, she had a heart condition and took Adderall. She also took other substances which I do not; and that was how I justified my addiction for a few months later. At her funeral, my boyfriend said she was the “oldest looking 25 year old he’d ever seen”. I lost my shit and broke up with him. I don’t know if I would have broken up with him were it not for the impulsiveness induced by the Adderall. This is the ONE time I am glad for that.

Following this I got my dream job. I knew now that I needed to get my shit under control, so I bought a timed padlock off amazon and a metal lock box so I could control my dosage. Just take one out per day, then lock it back up. Then the lock would open 24 hours later. This worked very well for a while.

Two weeks ago I hit a rut in my work and convinced myself all I needed was Adderall to overcome it. I broke out some pliers and a lighter and worked to break the hinge off the lockbox. And it worked! And I binged.

I went four days without sleep. I woke up today, Thursday, out of Adderall now though it is still definitely in my system. I am dazed and out of it but not yet lacking in motivation or energy. I am scared I am going to fail at my job, gain weight, and lose motivation for everything that gave me meaning. But I am more scared of losing my life like my best friend did 4 months ago and am tired of not connecting emotionally with people, making horrible decisions, and just not really living at all. I'm tired of living in a constant daze. I have a HORRIBLE memory. I couldn't remember what my door to my washer and dryer was. I'm scared what I've done to my brain.

I’m really, really tired of not having an actual life and just having it dictated by my accessibility to this stupid drug. I don’t want to be 30 like this. I don’t know what my real interests are because everything I’ve done in my 20s, even relationships, I think were just artifices created by Adderall. I'm scared to face that. I don't know if there is even a person left below the surface of artificially-induced interests and motivation. Will I care about anyone or anything? All the times I've withdrawn before I did not. I guess it is time to find out if any of what I've built has mattered.

My first substance abuse meeting is tomorrow night, then I see a new therapist on Saturday. It’s now or never. I pray I won’t refill come March 4^th.

[SleepyStupid]

Hi @eyelashaddict

welcome to the forums! The title of your post resonates strongly for me. I remember at the peak of my addiction thinking and justifying my addiction as a way to build a life for the "real me". of course as it generally turns out, that life wasn't as great as I believed it to be while under the influence anyway, but also I had forgotten who the "real me" even was. It's certainly an existential mind fuck, but there absolutely is a Real You waiting to be discovered. I think people often lose hope trying to remember a version of themselves before Adderall, but that's a trap - especially if you've taken it for a substantial amount of time, you are fundamentally a different person now than before, and you will be a different person when you get clean as well. You will find new interests, relationships and goals to pursue - focus on discovering rather than recovering.

All of that philosophy is well and good, but none of it matters if you can't get through the first few months. You need enough distance from the drug in order to see things clearly, so you need a short-term plan to get through work, take care of yourself and do whatever you have to just NOT USE for a few months. It is going to suck and there are no shortcuts available, but some things that have never failed anyone: sleep, nutrition and exercise!

Meetings and therapy should help, and stay close to this forum. Share when you feel able, and take this one day at a time. gl and keep us posted (:

 

[sirod9]

Yeah - I have been exactly where you are numerous times and I can tell you this - All of your fear surrounding quitting, and what you will "Lose" from quitting - you have already lost it. It is all an illusion, and really a nightmare. Everything you have is built on fake grounds fueled by amphetamines'. You don't even know what you want. Your job, your weight, your boyfriend, all of it - Not you. You have to allow that to dissolve into the abyss of withdrawal - let it dissolve, so you can build your life back up and realize who you really are - which is FAR cooler then who you think you are now. But it takes quitting, and surrender. If you have parents and family that will help, I suggest going home. If you are able to go to rehab, do it. You have your whole life ahead of you. Take your time. do something FOR YOURSELF for once. Research amphetamine withdrawal, and buckle up. Give your brain and body permission to heal and go through the process. that act of self love will pay dividends later.

Good luck to you!

[DelaneyJuliette]

I have been exactly where u are too!  You can do this!!  I too have broken through lock boxes in the past lol

[sirod9]

Actually, I remember trying to find a "timed" lock box for my prescription towards the end of my use. It is like this drug causes a lot of common thought patterns in users. Ugh, I know exactly where you are and how hopeless it feels...but it is NOT hopeless. you just have to choose yourself. 

[DelaneyJuliette]

One of my favorite songs is Break by Christine Kane.  Listen to it and to the lyrics.  It makes me cry every time I hear it.