Regressed to an irresponsible procrastinating depressed loser

[colourordie]

I am 22. I have ADD. I started taking adderall about two years ago. it worked wonders for me in the first five months. I completed all my assignments (and enjoyed them) got into the best shape of my life, and made so much money working overtime. After those initial first five months, my situation started deteriorating. What was motivation turned into lack there of and hyperfocusing (OCD like) on the internet and wasting vast amounts of time. I was so in the 'now'. I became very impulsive and got msyelf $7000 in debt. My clinical depression had also gotten to the worst point it had ever been. I got to the point of lying to my paretns to they'd get off my case about deadlines and what Im doing with school, about my debt. I pretended that i was going to school(which i wasnt because i couldnt afford it).not only that, but since "i'mgoing to college", i have a health plan, so adderall should only cost me about 25 dollars a month. LIE- it costs me 200 without a plan (Canada) All these things made me perpetuate my anxiety, stress and depression. I felt like an irresponsible child. a dependant little twit who coudlnt do anything right. If anything, i feel like aderall had worsened my ADD SO SO SO SO MUCH. I had never been this bad. I can't do anything unless i like it. I get bored at the drop of a dime. I can't even clean my room....its too boring, and there is so much cluttering my mind (anxiety, and pressing tasks...that dont get completed) that i say it has no priority. my parents look at melike what the hell is happening. I didnt realise it was the adderall until my father had pointed it out. He noted that ever since i had been on it, i had regressed. I also have to take it everyday, even on weekends if i want to get anything done...(anything means...not a lot....i literally barely do anything) i work once a week , I 'go to college"...just thinking about this makes me feel like the failure that i let adderall make me. Ritalin was much better...i had motivation on it...and i didnt feel like i needed to take it everday. i litereally feel like adderall is the worst thing that has ever happened to me (or that i let happen to me..or ccontinued to for solong anyway).... i loved it at frst...but now...my life is a disaster. the worst thing is that i cannot tell people about it. i have secrets and lies i have to keep becasue thje axiety stopped me somehow from telling the shemefull truth ("i didnt get around to it...becasue im pretty much an immature child...HI!") (omg...who have i become?) so that i look normal. maybe it works for some people, i dont feel it has any positive effect on me. i take 40 mg a day.... I made a plan today to taper off. I only took 20 mg today, and I plan on only taking that much for the next seven days... I feel ok i guess, but i have a headache. 7 days from now I'm going to tkae 10 mg for seven days....after that, ill take 5mg for seven days. After that, it's donezo. I will not swallow another pill. all together this is a three week plan. I am going to go back on ritalin, as I never felt it was not habit forming. I'm also going to try and get the skills I used to use in managing my ADD, which for the past year and ahalf have pretty much gone out the window...its going to be hard, but this depression caused by adderall (in many many contexts and capacities) is my motivation. I cannot be depressed anymore. Im depressed becasue my life is in havoc....my life is that way becasue of the devistating results i have let adderall have on it. NO MORE!

wish me luck!

plus, i feel a lot goofier and funnier without it- my bf says im wayyyyyyyyyy funnier and funner off it

[Mike]

colourordie,

Anxiety is like a balloon in your mind that's expanding and putting pressure on your every thought. When you quit Adderall (especially cold turkey), it's like you shrink your brain for a little bit so it only has enough room to focus on quitting and dealing with your withdrawals. This shrinking of your brain clears up a little extra room in your head, and relieves some of the pressure from the anxiety balloon. For a time, you don't care about your normal anxieties as much because you've got more pressing concerns (like how to get out of bed and get to work relatively on time without wanting to kill yourself).

After a while as you recover from the withdrawals and start growing into your sober self again, you start to feel the pressure of that anxiety balloon again.

Now, when that happens, here's the trick: you can't just pop the balloon and knock all the pressure out in one big wooosh so suddenly you're all better --- it's not like a dream where there's always some easy, magic way out. This is going to require very uncomfortable and unpleasant effort.

The way to get rid of the balloon is to pick one section in particular, and make a pin hole in it, so it leaks out a little air and relieves a little of the pressure. Coming clean with your parents about your debt and school situation makes a pin hole and leaks out a little pressure. Coming up with a budget that includes a consistent way to start paying down your debt a little makes a pin hole, and leaks out some more pressure. And knowing that for all your scars at least you've conquered the Adderall beast and are on the road to being better....that makes a pin hole too, and relieves a little more pressure.

Once you get into a groove with facing up to your anxieties and deflating them with action, the realization that you're able to face your anxieties and vanquish them will make several more pin holes, and leak out lots of pressure from that anxiety balloon.

And here's the final secret.

Every whisper of air that you release from that anxiety balloon flows into the happiness balloon in your heart, lifting you up and making you stronger.

Good luck. You can do this!

[colourordie]

thank you for your words. So far it's been a week. I have been taking half my dose. Today is the last day that I am on 20mg. However, I forgot my pills at home-I slept at my boyfriends house. No pill today. Maybe that will do me good considering for the next week it's going to be only 10 mg. I do feel like crap.... down...and tired, but I know I can do this. It's always the worst for the first 5 hrs after I wake up, after that, it's not as bad. I just want this to be over...... It's haaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrddddddddd

[LILTEX41]

How are you doing? Hope you are going strong!

[Alliee]

I've been taking adderall for three years. I am not 25 years old and look back and realize that I would have been better off in life had I not taken it. I am still "looking" for the perfect career, while all of my friends already have been working 9-5's mostly since they graduated from college. I would not have been comfortable in the situation I am in now had I not been on Adderall. I would have worked harder and pushed myself to have a more normal and expected lifestyle for my age.

[Confused84]

-Colourordie

I can totally identify with what you wrote.

I too have (serious) ADHD and was prescribed Adderall for it. I don't want to downplay any of the pain I know you've suffered but I totally envy your position in many ways. You've only been on it for two years and you're still very young. I've been on it for a little over 15 years now and I can safely say that it's ruined my life up to this point ... So please, do whatever you have to do to get off it now and stay off it. (I know, easier said than done but I know you can do it!)

Anyway, my real reason for posting is to comment on the Ritilin (methylphenidate). Before I was ever put on Adderall I was prescribed Ritilin for two years. I find it incredible that some of the people who post on this site seem to have just as many problems with methylphenidate as I do with Adderall. I don't doubt the problems it's caused them but for me, switching from methylphenidate to Adderall was like night and day. I know it did SOMETHING--but nothing like the drastic changes that Adderall caused in me. I never had any issues with withdrawal from taking the Ritilin and if I forgot a dose (which I did quite frequently) it was never an issue--at all!

As soon as I started taking Adderall though one of the first things I noticed was my ability to suddenly remember to take it consistently every day at the same time. At the time I just attributed it to Adderall's efficacy. However, as time went by I eventually came to a point when--for whatever reason--I missed my first dose (I don't remember the exact date or anything but it was within the first couple years of taking it).

Zang! It felt like I'd had a triple frontal lobotomy! I mean the withdrawal was unlike anything I'd ever heard of before! Horrendous!

Anyway, I'm not trying to advocate pharmaceuticals--I believe, in most cases--if you can--that completely detoxing from medications altogether is truly your best bet. But I find it interesting that some people can take methylphenidate and have it completely change them and ruin their lives, while other people--like you and me--can take it, suffer no discernible anxiety, withdrawal syndrome, or personality changes and simultaneously extract a therapeutic value from it (albeit weaker than Adderall's).

About a year ago I decided to try to get off of the Adderall by switching to the equivalent dosage of Concerta (time release Methylphenidate). It definitely was helping but I still got depressed, chickened out, and eventually switched back to Adderall again within a couple months (Errr!). Now I wish I'd just stayed with it.

Another advantage of Methylphenidate is that--according to wikipedia--it can actually protect against amphetamine-related development of Parkinson's Disease (Adderall [amphetamine] can increase the risk of developing Parkinson's Disease in later life--even at therapeutic levels).

As I write this it's June of 2013. Your post is from 2010 so, assuming you still visit this site, if you see this post I'd love to know how switching back to Methylphenidate has worked for you (assuming you followed your plan). Take care and good luck!